


Sincerely, E

by hopefulminty



Series: Sincerely, E [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Anxiety, F/M, Family, Friendship, M/M, Pen Pals, Protectiveness, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-03
Updated: 2017-12-13
Packaged: 2019-02-10 07:28:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 46
Words: 91,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12907098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hopefulminty/pseuds/hopefulminty
Summary: The rules for the private messages were simple. They were confidential. No one, not even Dr. Miller, could read what Connor wrote. Real names were not allowed on the site. The users were simply referred to by their first initials. This also applied to anyone they mentioned in their messages. (Connor had found that out when he ranted about Zoe to E one day and his final message was covered in Z**s.)All messages went through an automated censoring program before being delivered to their recipients. Swear words were redacted. (“One of the goals of You Are Not Alone is to help teenagers learn to express their feelings in a civilized manner,” Dr. Miller had explained. Connor was fairly certain that that aspect alone had won his father over.)In other words, an AU in which Evan and Connor are pen pals and things kind of snowball from there.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, the original idea for this story popped into my head a couple months ago when I caught part of _You've Got Mail_ on TV. I started writing it because, well, why not? I figured it'd be one of those stories that I wrote a couple pages of and then quickly abandoned. 
> 
> It's since turned into a monster of a fic (45 chapters, plus an epilogue...) that is now complete. I will keep posting chapters as I finish proofing them. It's going to take me at least a couple weeks to post the whole thing.
> 
> I'm purposely leaving out the relationship tags until the epilogue is up. Partially to avoid ruining the (not very surprising) surprise. Mostly because that's not really what this story ended up being about.
> 
> Rated T for swearing and because this fic deals with a lot of sensitive topics, including suicide, anxiety, and underage drinking/drug use.

**Monday, August 28, 2017 6:42 AM**

**Dear Friend:**

Would you say that we are actually friends? I just mean, if we knew each other in real life and I had to introduce you to someone, would you cringe or recoil or hurt yourself trying to correct me if I called you my friend?

I know you don’t have a choice in the matter here. YANA has made it impossible for any of us to change our greetings and signatures. 

And, really, I wouldn’t expect you to start your emails with the words “Dear Friend” if you had a say in the matter. I mean, who does that? It’s lame. Even I know it’s lame.

I was just wondering if you would call us friends. I guess pen pals would be a more accurate description for what we are.

So, forget I asked. I would delete everything I just wrote except I promised Dr. S that I would stop agonizing over these letters and would say what I’m thinking. Unedited. Uncensored.

I should take this opportunity to apologize for the craziness that’s going to be unleashed on you, but I also promised Dr. S I’d stop doing that all the time. Apologizing, I mean. He says I need to stop saying I’m sorry when it’s not really necessary.

Though, I’d argue that this time it is. Me - unedited, uncensored - is definitely something worth apologizing for. 

It’s the first day of my senior year of high school and my mother just finished her annual ‘you could have friends if you would actually talk to people and smile at them and make an effort’ speech.

It was exactly as sad as it sounds. She’s been giving me the same lecture each year since I started kindergarten. It was normal enough when I was five and I wasn’t the only kid refusing to let go of his mother’s leg, but now it’s pathetic.

“The other kids want to be your friends. You just have to be nice to them. Smile. You have such a lovely smile. Ask them about their summers. You can tell them about our trip to the beach. I bet they’ll like that. You can take a seashell with you, if you want.”

Except, this year she substituted the idea of getting my cast signed for the beach part. We didn’t take a vacation this summer. She wasn’t able to take any time off work. 

Not that it makes a difference what topic of conversation she suggests. It’s wistful thinking on her part to imagine that this will be the year things change. 

Here’s hoping your day is better than mine is bound to be.

**Sincerely,  
E**

 

Evan heard his mother approaching a solid minute before she reappeared in his doorway. It was a habit of hers now, loudly rambling as she walked down the hall to his room. She had developed it when he was fifteen and she made the mistake of bursting in while he was--

No, no. He wasn’t going there. Not today. Not when he was about to leave for school. That was the last memory he wanted on his mind as he braced himself to face the day.

“Evan,” Heidi sighed, one hand on her hip, the other waving a cup of coffee. “You haven’t been listening to a word I’ve been saying, have you?”

“What?” Evan blinked up at his mother. “No, I mean, yes. I mean-”

“Evan,” Heidi shook her head as she stared at her son. “I was just saying you should come eat something before you go. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, you know.”

“Actually, I heard that’s just a myth,” Evan said. His eyes traveled from his mother to his laptop screen. He could feel a knot forming in the pit of his stomach as his mother beamed at the computer.

“Oh, have you been writing to L?” 

“I-” Evan started.

“Don’t forget to print out your message log when you get to school,” Heidi reminded him. “Dr. Sherman wants to see it when you go to your appointment this afternoon. Not the actual messages, of course. Dr. Sherman only wants to see how many you’ve been sending and how long they are. That kind of thing.”

“I-I thought my appointment wasn’t until next week,” Evan frowned.

“Oh, well, I bumped it up a week,” Heidi said. “I told you that, didn’t I? I thought you might need a session today. Start the year on a good note.”

Evan’s gaze dropped to his feet. There was a spot he’d never noticed on the floor by his desk. He poked at it with his toe until he felt his mother’s hand on his shoulder.

“It’s going to be a good year, Ev. I can feel it. I can’t believe my little boy is all grown up and getting ready to enter the real world. Just think, this time next year, you’ll be sitting in a dorm somewhere ignoring my texts and living on ramen noodles and cereal.”

“I already live on ramen noodles and cereal,” Evan pointed out. 

Heidi rolled her eyes and affectionately ran her hand through Evan’s hair. “Speaking of cereal-”

“All right, all right,” Evan relented, his hands flying up in surrender. “I’ll come grab a bowl before we leave.”

“That’s my boy,” Heidi grinned. She nodded at Evan’s computer as he pulled himself out of the chair. “It’s helping, isn’t it? Writing to your pen pal.”

Evan resisted the urge to cringe at the words ‘pen pal.’ Even his mother thought L was only his pen pal. He was suddenly overwhelmed with the desire to hack into the You Are Not Alone server and delete his message before L had the chance to read it. 

Not that he would’ve been successful if he tried. Evan barely knew how to do anything on the computer besides the basics. He would’ve had to recruit Jared to try to hack the site and that could only have ended in disaster.

For starters, Evan would never have heard the end of it if Jared knew his friend was enrolled in a site devoted to helping emotionally troubled teenagers work through their issues.

And then there would be the issue of stopping Jared from reading his messages. And printing them. And sharing them with the school.

No, no, Jared was definitely not the solution to this problem.

“Evan.”

Evan started at the sound of his name. “Yeah?”

“You weren’t listening again,” Heidi sighed. Her face was wearing its patented pained expression. The expression she reserved for Evan whenever she was wondering what was going through her son’s mind.

“Sorry. What were you saying?”

“It’s helping you, isn’t it? Writing to L. You seem happy whenever you get a message from him.”

“Yeah, yeah, it’s helping,” Evan nodded eagerly. He tried to force a smile onto his face, but was fairly certain it came out as a cross between a grimace and a smirk.

“Good, I’m glad,” Heidi said. “Now, let’s go eat before it’s too late. We need to be out the door in ten minutes if I’m going to drop you off.” 

Evan followed her out to the kitchen where they each inhaled a bowl of cereal and split a pop tart. Evan gulped down a glass of orange juice and refused the coffee his mother tried to pour for him. Coffee wrecked his system. The one and only time he’d tried it had been the previous spring. He had stayed up late working on a history presentation and had then been unable to sleep as he panicked about giving his speech in front of the class. His mother had insisted that he drink some coffee the following morning to keep himself awake.

Needless to say, the combination of caffeine, nerves, and lack of sleep had resulted in a train wreck presentation that had already become a school legend.

Evan supposed there were worse ways to become infamous, but he couldn’t think of any off the top of his head.

 

They made it into the car with mere seconds to spare. Evan knew there were mere seconds to spare because his mother kept glancing at the alarm on her phone while she prattled on about how he needed to be more optimistic and try harder to make friends.

“I don’t get it, Evan,” Heidi said as she eased the car into traffic. “You have no trouble talking to me. Your teachers always say your papers are well-written. You obviously have a lot of interesting things to say. Why can’t you say them out loud? Why do you always look like a deer caught in the headlights when someone tries to talk to you?”

And here it came. The part where Evan felt guilty. The part where his mother expressed her concerns, her confusion, her uncertainties. The part where Evan wished he could be different, that he could be the kind of son his mother deserved to have. Even if she wasn’t always the kind of mother he deserved.

Evan squeezed the bottom of his shirt and stared blankly out the window. There was no need for him to respond. 

“Dr. Sherman thinks you’re showing progress,” Heidi said brightly. “He said you’ve been working on making eye contact and speaking clearly. That’s really good. I am proud of you, Evan. You know that, right?”

Evan nodded numbly. His eyes squinted as he stared at the sun peeking out from behind the clouds. It was a beautiful day. Evan wished he didn’t have to spend it trapped inside. 

Heidi fumbled with the radio dials and mumbled about how there weren’t any good stations on the air anymore. “I guess that means I’m officially old, huh? I don’t know any of the artists they play nowadays.”

Evan smiled weakly while his mother chuckled self-depreciatively. He knew she expected him to roll his eyes and declare that his mother was totally out of touch, but the truth of the matter was that he wasn’t much better than she was at identifying popular musical acts.

“Do you want to get out here?” Heidi asked suddenly.

Evan blinked in surprise, only then noticing that they had pulled over a block away from school.

“I was just thinking, you’re a senior now,” Heidi grinned. “I remember being a senior. I would’ve rather died than be spotted getting dropped off by my parents.”

Evan bit his lip as he considered her words. He didn’t mind walking, but he’d been banking on that remaining block to gather his thoughts. If he got out now, he’d run the risk of seeing some of his classmates earlier than he’d been anticipating. 

The school suddenly felt like it was miles away.

“I can take you the rest of the way, if you’d rather,” Heidi continued on quickly. “It’s just, well, traffic’s a bit slow by the school and I’m afraid I’ll be late if I get caught behind a bus.”

“It’s fine,” Evan assured her. He opened the door and grabbed his bag off the backseat. “I’ll see you-”

“After school,” Heidi confirmed. “I’ll pick you up for your appointment. I don’t think I’ll be able to stay though. Do you mind taking the bus home? I can try to rearrange some things, but-”

“It’s fine,” Evan muttered. He gave her a firm nod and exited the car. 

The look on his mother’s face was heartbreaking when he glanced over his shoulder. It was so sad, so hopeful, so concerned that Evan couldn’t help thinking it must be hard to be a parent. He wished he could make it easier for her, but he didn’t know how.

 

The walk to school was uneventful. Evan managed to make it into the building without tripping or dropping anything or speaking to anyone. 

The atmosphere in the senior hallway was festive, to say the least, when Evan arrived. Everywhere he looked, he saw familiar faces running around, hugging their friends, and being merry in the way that he supposed was normal for your average twelfth grader on the first day of school.

Evan barely managed to duck out of the way as two girls he only vaguely recognized flew at each other, squealing excitedly about their summers.

“Hey,” someone said from behind him.

Evan spun around to see Alana Beck leaning against the locker next to his. He blinked at her in surprise and glanced around quickly to make sure she wasn’t talking to someone else. “Uh, hi.”

“Hey,” Alana repeated with a nod. “How was your summer? Mine was good. Busy, but good.”

Evan nodded along as she continued to speak. He was suddenly very aware of his heart rate and where his hands were. His palms were beginning to feel sweaty, so he shoved them in his pockets and nodded once more as Alana finished her story.

“-It really was so rewarding. I’d recommend it to anyone. Have you done a lot of volunteer work? I could help you set something up, if you want. It looks great on college applications. Oh, there’s Tracy. I need to ask her something. See you later!”

And, just like that, Alana was gone.

In an ideal world, Evan would have been given the opportunity to sit down and recover from the cyclone that was Alana Beck, but this was not an ideal world and he knew that he only had a few minutes left to get into his locker and hightail it to his homeroom. 

Of course, getting into his locker proved to be more difficult than he had anticipated. Evan had gotten used to doing a lot of things one-handed. There were times when he actually forgot about the cast on his arm. He could eat, sleep, and shower normally, or close to it at any rate. He could type with the cast on. He didn’t know what he would’ve done if he hadn’t been able to do that.

Manipulating his lock and juggling his belongings while sporting a cast on his arm was proving to be too much for him to handle though.

It didn’t help matters that he was beginning to attract attention. He could feel the eyes boring into the back of his head as he struggled with the lock. His brow furrowed and the sweat on his palms increased as he tried the combination again. 

Maybe he had memorized the wrong numbers or he was at the wrong locker. He had done that once in tenth grade. He had spent what felt like hours attempting to get into a locker that had turned out to belong to Connor Murphy. He had lucked out when Connor’s sister, Zoe, spotted him and asked why he was trying to break into her brother’s locker.

Evan was quite certain that Zoe Murphy had saved his life that day. He didn’t think he’d have lived to tell the tale if Connor had been the one to catch him.

Evan pulled back from the locker and stared at the number. There it was, clear as day. Number 121. Just like the welcome back packet had said. 

He reached for the lock again, only to have his hand swatted away.

“Okay, okay, would you stop already?” Jared said with a roll of his eyes. “You’re going to hurt yourself and I can’t just stand here and witness it. My parents will kill me if they hear I stood by while you went and broke your other arm trying to get into your locker.”

Jared grabbed the lock and looked at Evan expectantly. “Well?”

“Well what?” Evan asked. His eyes dropped to the ground and he tried to take a deep breath. The stares were dwindling now that people no longer had the option to watch the loser with the cast battle his locker.

“What’s your combination?” Jared asked as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“Oh, sorry,” Evan stammered. “Um,” he leaned forward to whisper in Jared’s ear, “33-10-17.”

“Ugh, personal space. You’ve heard of it, right?” Jared jumped away so quickly that Evan wondered if he felt any whiplash. “You don’t need to be so secretive. Who do you think would want to break into your locker? No one’s that desperate for pictures of trees.” Jared turned to smirk at Evan. “Or Zoe Murphy.”

“Wh-what?” Evan practically choked on the word. “I-I don’t-”

“Relax,” Jared sneered. “It was a joke.”

“N-not funny,” Evan wheezed.

“You need to learn to laugh at yourself,” Jared shrugged. He turned his attention back to the lock and, within seconds, it popped open so easily that Evan half-wondered if it hated him already.

“There,” Jared nodded triumphantly. “Make sure you tell your mom how I helped you out. You know the deal, right?”

Evan nodded to show that he did. He suddenly wanted nothing more than for Jared to leave him alone. He knew better than to expect that to happen instantaneously though.

“My parents are only going to keep paying for my car insurance if-”

“If you’re nice to me,” Evan finished. He turned to start unloading his books into his locker when a thought occurred to him. “Hey, Jared, do you want to sign-”

“Well, well, would you look who’s back?” Jared’s eyebrows shot up as he nodded at a figure coming down the hall. Evan tilted his head to see.

“Is that-”

“Connor Murphy,” Jared confirmed. “Doesn’t look like rehab did him any good, does it?”

“Rehab?”

“Or juvie or military school or wherever it was he went last spring.”

“Oh, yeah, right,” Evan nodded. He vaguely remembered hearing something about that. Rumor had it that Connor had been sent away after he got into some kind of major trouble. The specifics of the crime varied depending on who was telling the tale. Evan had heard that Connor had been caught doing everything from shoplifting to running over someone with his car.

The latter seemed far more likely than the former to Evan. Everyone knew that Connor had a nasty temper and it wasn’t exactly a secret that the Murphys had money. Of course, having money hadn’t stopped all those famous actresses from shoplifting. Somehow, Evan was having trouble imagining Connor swiping nail polish or jewelry though.

“Hey, Connor,” Jared exclaimed, waving his arm so enthusiastically that he resembled a cartoon character. “Good to see you, buddy. That vacation you took last spring really did wonders for your complexion.” 

Connor froze in his tracks and turned to glare at Jared. “Excuse me?”

Jared snickered and threw a shrewd look in Evan’s direction. “I’m just saying you look so relaxed. It must’ve been all that good, spa-living. I bet you loved all the herbal remedies.”

Evan stared at the inside of his locker and wondered if he could fit in it. He was seriously contemplating trying when he realized that Jared was inching closer and closer to him. He looked at his friend in alarm. He knew that look. It was the look of someone who should stop talking, someone who knew he should stop talking, but was suddenly, inexplicably unable to do just that.

“I’d ask for a refund for your hair though,” Jared continued. “Unless that’s how all the other guys are styling it juvie these days.”

Evan’s good hand froze in mid-air as he turned to stare at Jared again. He took a breath and prodded Jared’s arm. “Come on. We-we need to get to homeroom. The bell’s-the bell’s going to ring any second now.”

“It was a joke,” Jared said defensively. “You people really need to learn to laugh at yourselves.” He nodded in Connor’s direction. “Connor knows I was just messing around, right?”

“Oh, yeah, you’re freaking hilarious,” Connor snapped. Evan recoiled instinctively. Jared, for the first time, seemed to get that he had been sticking his fingers in the lion’s cage. “Go ahead and make fun of the class freak. Did you ever stop and think that you might be the fucking freak, you fucking moron?”

“Whoa, whoa,” Jared chuckled nervously. “There’s no need for name-calling, Murphy. But, seriously, you think I’m the freak? Have you looked in the mirror lately?” 

The laughter that escaped from Evan’s mouth was so involuntary that he didn’t realize what had happened until he looked up and saw Connor glaring at him. If looks could kill, Evan knew for a fact that he would have dissolved into a pile of ash.

“You think that’s funny?” Connor demanded.

Evan’s mouth opened and closed several times as Connor’s wrath redirected itself onto him. “No, I-”

“CONNOR!” 

Zoe Murphy screamed her brother’s name from the other end of the hallway before making a beeline for the three of them.

Connor’s fist slammed into the locker next to Evan with such force that the vibrations made Evan jump and Jared flinch. 

Connor spun around to face his sister. “WHAT?” 

Zoe’s hands flew to her hips as she met her brother’s glare with one of her own. “What the hell do you think you’re doing? You’re going to get yourself suspended on the first day. The bell’s about to ring. Go to your homeroom now or I’ll tell-”

“Oh my God,” Connor sneered. “Are you seriously babysitting me at school too?”

“Well, someone has to,” Zoe snapped. Her chin jutted out as she gestured down the hall. “Now go.”

Connor adjusted the bag on his shoulder, slapped the locker one more time, and turned to leave. Evan could hear him muttering under his breath as he stormed down the hall towards Mrs. Jensen’s classroom. 

Because, of course, Evan was in the same homeroom as Connor Murphy. That sounded about right.

“I’m sorry about my brother,” Zoe said softly. It was like her whole demeanor had changed the moment Connor was out of sight. Gone was the girl with fire in her eyes and venom in her mouth. Just like that, she had been replaced by the sweet, funny, gorgeous girl Evan had been admiring since tenth grade. “Are you two okay?”

“Y-yeah,” Evan managed to stammer while nodding emphatically and staring resolutely at the floor.

“We’re fine,” Jared assured her. He opened his mouth to say more, but the warning bell beat him to it. “Shit. I’m going to get written up on the first day. My homeroom’s all the way downstairs.”

“I’ll walk with you,” Zoe offered. “I’m in Mr. Berger’s homeroom. If we hurry, we can make it before the final bell rings.”

Jared agreed with a grin and they set off. Evan lingered by the lockers for a moment, watching them go, before turning to leave himself.

“You coming, Evan? It is Evan, right?” Zoe called over her shoulder. Her smile was so angelic that Evan could feel his heart skip a beat.

“Oh, um, n-no,” Evan mumbled and grabbed the back of his head, squeezing the hairs there until he nearly whimpered in pain. “I mean, yes, I’m Evan. But, no, I’m-I’m not coming with you. I’m in Mrs. Jensen’s homeroom.”

“Oh.” Zoe’s eyes widened as she realized what that meant. “Look, don’t worry. You’ll be fine. Connor is usually good when there’s a teacher around.”

“Except for that one time with the printer,” Jared pointed out. He used his hands to mimic a bomb exploding.

“That was a long time ago,” Zoe sniffed. “Look, just, I don’t know, just ignore him.”

“Evan can do that,” Jared nodded eagerly. “He’s great at ignoring people.” He nudged Zoe’s arm with his elbow. “Bell.”

“Oh, yeah, the bell,” Zoe sighed and shook her head. “Good luck, Evan. I’m sure you’ll be fine.”

Zoe offered him one more weak smile before following Jared down the hall. Their voices echoed when they reached the stairwell. Evan could hear Jared asking her about her summer.

To his amazement, Evan was not the only straggler who darted into Mrs. Jensen’s classroom just as the bell rang. There was a flurry of activity as the other three latecomers searched for their friends and claimed the seats that had been saved for them. When they were settled in, Evan began to scan the room for an empty desk.

There was only one left. 

It was the one next to Connor Murphy.

That sounded about right.


	2. Chapter 2

**Monday, August 28, 2017 6:57 AM**

**Dear Friend:**

What kind of a jerk would actually recoil if you called him your friend? That’s so messed up, man, that I don’t know what to say.

Except, are you sure you really want to hang around someone who pulls stuff like that?

Things like that make me feel like I’ve had the right idea all along. Sometimes it’s better to be the class loner than it is to be forced to put up with that kind of thing.

(Did you notice that I managed to vent my anger on your behalf without being auto-censored? Aren’t you proud of me? I know I am.)

So, anyway, to answer your question, no I would not cringe or recoil or hurt myself trying to correct you if you called me your friend.

We’re friends. Online friends, but friends nonetheless. 

And, seriously, why are you still agonizing over these letters? I thought we were past that. 

Don’t you dare apologize for being the unedited version of yourself. That’s the E I want to hear from. Not the polite, weather-obsessed version I was stuck with two months ago.

It’s my first day of school too. Senior year, here we go. Can’t you just feel my enthusiasm oozing through your screen?

The one good part of all this is that it’s my last first day of school ever. I’m not the collegiate type, no matter what my parents say. I’m going to stick it out and get my high school diploma because I’ve come this far and it seems stupid to give up now. I think I might even try this year, if for no other reason than to get my parents off my back. 

Though, I will admit that I have been thinking about dropping out. I’ll be eighteen next month. Legally, there will be nothing my parents can do to stop me if I decide to quit school.

Of course, my mother will cry if I do that and my father will throw a fit and kick me out if I don’t re-enroll.

I promise I’ll send you a farewell message if that happens. I’d hate for you to spend the rest of your life wondering what happened to me.

Speaking of parents, don’t hate me for saying this, but I think it’s kind of adorable that your mother still gives you pep talks about making friends. That sounds way better than what I had to sit through this morning. 

My parents lectured me about being responsible and living up to my potential and clean living. They’re freaking out about the fact that I’ll be out of their grasp for seven hours today. They’ve convinced themselves that I’m going to, in their words, make bad choices the second they’re not hovering behind me.

They have a point, of course, but I promised you I was going to make an effort to stay sober and I plan to stick to it.

For now, at least. 

We'll see how long that lasts.

**Sincerely,  
L**

 

Connor stretched his arms over his head and yawned while he watched the circle spin on his laptop screen. The You Are Not Alone website was being slower than usual that morning. He supposed there were probably a lot of anxious teenagers out there panicking about going back to school.

He couldn’t believe he was one of them now. Not that he was panicking, exactly. He wasn’t nervous about going back to school. Resigned, sure. Reluctant, definitely. Dreading it with every fiber of his being, absolutely.

Connor simply couldn’t believe how much he used the site now. 

He had treated it as a joke at first. His therapist had recommended that he join. Dr. Miller thought it would help him gain some perspective, to see that he wasn’t the only one suffering. 

Connor had thought Dr. Miller was full of crap.

Of course, his parents had insisted he sign up. “Anything to help you get better,” his mother had said while stroking his hair and smiling beatifically.

It had taken him exactly three minutes and fifty-two seconds to get banned from the group chat section of the site. Connor hadn’t used that many swear words since the day his father made him pay for a plumber to fix the mess Zoe made when she got mad and flushed all his weed.

“I know better than to clog the fucking toilet like that, you fucking assholes!” Connor had screamed at his parents over and over until his mother was in tears and his father’s face resembled a bruised tomato. 

Even Connor had to admit that hadn’t been one of his finest hours.

After the disaster that was the group chat experiment, Dr. Miller suggested that he arrange for Connor to be paired with another boy on the site. “It’s a sophisticated screening process,” he had assured the Murphys. “We’ll find a boy who’s Connor’s age. A peer, if you will. Someone he can relate to.”

The rules for the private messages were simple. They were confidential. No one, not even Dr. Miller, could read what Connor wrote. Real names were not allowed on the site. The users were simply referred to by their first initials. This also applied to anyone they mentioned in their messages. (Connor had found that out when he ranted about Zoe to E one day and his final message was covered in Z**s.) 

All messages went through an automated censoring program before being delivered to their recipients. Swear words were redacted. (“One of the goals of You Are Not Alone is to help teenagers learn to express their feelings in a civilized manner,” Dr. Miller had explained. Connor was fairly certain that that aspect alone had won his father over.) Trigger words were flagged for review by an impartial committee. (“I won’t be seeing any of his messages,” Dr. Miller had insisted. “I don’t have the clearance. The messages will be flagged if there are any, let’s say, questionable words in them. Anything that might be cause for alarm. If the committee finds that there is a reason to be concerned, I will be notified at that point.”)

At first, Connor had amused himself by setting a series of personal goals. His first goal was to write a message that got totally redacted without repeating any words [that had been harder than he’d thought and had required him to rely on the Thesaurus on his computer way more than he liked to admit]. His second goal was to write a message that got flagged for review [that one had been far too easy, but had backfired in the sense that it made him feel really depressed and, of course, he didn’t have any pot in his room anymore, so he’d ended up resorting to downing some Nyquil and passing out for the rest of the day]. His third and final goal was to find a way to get his pen pal’s message flagged [that one had also been incredibly easy once he’d asked E about how the forests were being destroyed].

E, for his part, had been decidedly unamused about being roped into Connor’s antics.

 _Why are you even on this site?_ E had written. _Why don’t you tell your parents or your therapist or whoever that you’re not getting anything out of this? I’ll back you up._

 _I don’t know. Why are you on this site?_ Connor had retorted. 

_Because I want to get better. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I don’t know if this will help, it certainly hasn’t so far, but I’ve got to do something. I can’t go on like this forever._

Connor had stared at that message for longer than he was comfortable admitting. He read it so many times that he thought he could recite it in his sleep.

_I’m on here because I tried to kill myself last month._

He had hit send before he could overthink it, before he could talk himself out of sharing that information with someone he hardly knew. 

It hadn’t occurred to Connor that that message would be flagged for review, so he was caught off-guard when Dr. Miller brought it up in their session the next day.

Dr. Miller thought it was a sign that Connor was making progress, that he was finally realizing what he had almost done to himself.

The thing of it was, though, that Connor had always known what he had tried to do. He hadn’t tripped and landed with his head in a noose. He had done it carefully, purposely, with full knowledge of the fact that he wouldn’t be coming down alive. 

He would’ve succeeded if Zoe hadn’t come home from band practice early and found him.

Connor’s parents had decided to view the whole incident as a wake-up call. Their son needed help. Real help. It wasn’t just a phase, like his father had always claimed. Nor was it something that could be solved by the latest remedy his mother had picked up from her friends or seen in one of her magazines. He needed actual, doctor-approved help and it was up to them to provide it.

Connor had spent five days in the hospital under observation, followed by three weeks in a place that Zoe had mockingly called “the nuthouse.” Once he had been thoroughly evaluated and cleared, he was sent home. 

His mother had arranged for him to meet with Dr. Miller twice a week. Dr. Miller had suggested that Connor also attend his weekly group sessions, but Zoe had told their parents they were crazy if they thought that was a good idea. Connor knew his mother would have sent him if she’d gotten her way, but his father had sided with Zoe.

The topic of medication had come up at least a dozen times since Connor’s hospitalization. Dr. Miller was in favor of putting him on a low dosage pill, but was willing to wait and see how things went. Connor’s mother was open to the idea while his father was decidedly against it. Connor could tell that there was still a part of his father that blamed marijuana for the whole situation. 

Connor wasn’t surprised when he came home from the facility and found that his room had been ransacked. Everything that his parents found concerning was gone. His weed, his booze, his razor, his scissors, even his scarves and ties – all gone. And that wasn’t all that had changed. There was a lock on the liquor cabinet, their knife set had been relocated to an undisclosed location, and there wasn’t any rope to be found anywhere in the house.

Of course, Connor could still think of ways to off himself (no one had thought to hide the cleaning supplies, for instance), but his sense of self-preservation kicked in when he realized how seriously his parents were taking this. He didn’t want to spend the rest of his life under lock and key after all.

 

Summer was normally Connor’s favorite season simply because it meant no school. His family usually spent several weeks traveling. His parents were always careful to pick vacations that allowed their children to go off on their own. They had gone on a cruise or to a resort each year since Connor was ten. 

Every year until this one, that is. Connor knew Zoe blamed him for getting their Parisian cruise canceled and he honestly couldn’t blame her. That didn’t stop him from taunting her about it every chance he got though. 

Tormenting Zoe and writing to E had ended up being the only bright spots in Connor’s summer. He had actually been grateful for the distraction when his mother told him that he would have to take a couple online classes in order to be a senior in the fall. If the classes hadn’t been so mind-numbingly boring, he may have actually enjoyed his schoolwork for once.

E’s messages proved to be far more interesting than the insights that his classmates shared on the class message boards. 

Telling E that he had tried to kill himself had changed things between them. Their messages slowly, but surely got longer and more personal. Connor soon discovered that E actually had a sense of humor. When he joked about missing the good old days when E would only talk about nature, he was treated to what must have been a five-page essay about their state tree.

 

_Do you still want to kill yourself?_

The words had appeared in the middle of what Connor had thought was a perfectly innocent message about the pros and cons of frequenting the local snowball stand. ( _Pros: snowballs are delicious and perfect when it’s hot out. Cons: there’s always a line and the owner is that chatty lady who knows my mom._ )

_It’s just, I wouldn’t blame you if you did. Not that you should kill yourself. That’s not what I meant. You shouldn’t kill yourself. You should get better. Get better and live a long, happy life._

_I don’t know why I said that. Wrote that. I need to stop typing and go to bed. This isn’t making any sense and I know it’s going to be flagged for review. My mother’s definitely going to get a call from Dr. S tomorrow._

_I think I’m too tired to care. I just need a good night’s sleep. Everything will seem better in the morning. It usually does, at least for a little while._

Connor hadn’t heard from E for four days after that message. It was the longest they went without communicating the whole summer. Of course, Connor realized he had to shoulder some of the blame. It had taken him almost a day to respond.

_I don’t know if I still want to kill myself. I don’t know that I actually wanted to die in the first place._

_I know that sounds stupid. I knew what I was doing when I hung the noose. I knew what would happen and I wanted it to happen. I wanted it to stop. I just wanted everything to stop._

Connor wasn’t surprised when he got an alert that his message had been flagged for review. He was surprised when nothing came of it. He supposed the committee had decided he was safe, that he wasn’t in immediate danger of harming himself.

He was amazed to realize they were right. He didn’t think he would try again anytime soon at least. He couldn’t rule out the possibility that he’d have a really shitty week in the future and would let it all build up inside him again until he felt like he was going to explode.

When E finally got back to him, it was like their previous conversation had never happened. E was hopped up on pain medicine and wrote a long, rambling, somewhat hilarious, somewhat pathetic story about how he had broken his arm falling out of a tree.

Connor wasn’t sure whether to laugh or be concerned. He’d settled on a mixture of the two.

After that, things returned to normal in a way that was almost pleasant. E was stuck at home too then, so their messages flew around at record speed. At one point, they even spent an entire weekend bantering back and forth while they watched a Harry Potter marathon on TV.

 

Two weeks before school resumed, Connor was finally allowed out of the house. It had been nearly two months since he had gone anywhere other than Dr. Miller’s office, so he hadn’t even complained when his family took him to Zoe’s favorite Tex-Mex restaurant. Of course, he hadn’t been able to get through the night without grumbling about the food and mocking the waiter’s sombrero. 

Zoe came home drunk three nights before they went back to school. Connor had been even more shocked than their parents. He stood in the doorway of Zoe’s bathroom and watched while their mother held Zoe’s hair back so she wouldn’t get any vomit in it. 

“Shh, it’s okay, Zo,” their mother had whispered soothingly. Connor couldn’t help thinking that no one had ever held his hair or comforted him when he was drunk. 

“I’m-I’m sorry,” Zoe choked out between heaves.

“Shh, I know. Listen, your father’s furious.” Zoe held back a sob at those words and looked up at their mother before leaning back over the toilet and gagging again. “He’s set on punishing you.”

“Mom-”

“I know. I get it, I do. I know why you let yourself get so drunk at that party. I wish you hadn’t, but-”

“Mom, would you please ask Connor to go away?”

Connor instinctively inched backwards at her words and his arms flew up in surrender. “I’m going.”

“Did you write your letter yet?” Connor could hear his mother ask as he padded across the room.

“Mom-”

“Zoe, this is important. Dr. Weinstein thinks it’ll help you process all this.”

The rest of their conversation had been lost to Connor as he headed back to his room and flopped onto his bed. It came as no surprise the next morning when he learned that Zoe’s only punishment was to lose car privileges for a week.

 

Of course, it was only natural that Zoe’s punishment would end up being Connor’s punishment as well. Connor’s car privileges had already been taken away for an indefinite period of time, so the Murphy siblings found themselves in a bind as they prepared to leave for school.

“I can’t even drive to school?” Zoe yelped when their father told her just that. She nearly spilled her coffee all over the table as she leapt from her chair.

“No car for a week. That was your sentence.”

“Mom-”

“Larry, really, they need to get to school. I can’t take them. I signed up for an early yoga class. I’ve been missing it all summer because-”

“Because she’s been stuck here, babysitting me,” Connor filled in. 

“Connor, no. I-I didn’t stay home to babysit you. I stayed home to-”

“What if Connor drives and I hang onto the keys for safekeeping?”

“That could work. Larry-”

“I said no car, Cynthia. That goes for both of them. They can always take the bus.”

“The bus? Dad!” Zoe craned her neck to look at the clock over the sink. “The bus will be here any second. There’s no way we can-”

“You should’ve thought of that before you got drunk the other night.”

“Mom!”

“Larry, honestly, surely there must be something-”

“I said no car!”

“That’s it. I’m texting Nicole. Maybe she can pick me up.” 

“Ask her if she can take Connor too.”

“Mom!”

“Zoe, we don’t have time for this. If Nicole can’t fit Connor in her car, we’ll have to come up with another solution.”

“I could always walk,” Connor suggested.

“It’ll take you all morning,” Cynthia said.

“So?” Connor shrugged.

“You’re not missing the first day of school, Connor.”

“Nicole said yes,” Zoe sighed. She dropped her phone back on the table and reached for her yogurt.

“To Connor too?”

“To Connor too.”

“Good. I’m glad that’s settled. Now, I better go get dressed or I’ll be late.” 

Cynthia started to leave, but stopped before she reached the stairs. “Oh, I almost forgot. I got you something, Connor.” She quickly crossed the room and pulled a box off the pantry counter. “I ordered it months ago, but it took forever to get here. I noticed your old bag was looking pretty worn, so I thought you could use a new one.”

Connor opened the box and glanced inside. The bag was nothing like the messenger one he’d been using since tenth grade. It was a navy backpack with six different sections and his initials, LCM, stitched on the front.

“No thanks,” Connor said, handing the box back to his mother. “I’m good.”

“Oh,” Cynthia’s voice shook as she accepted the package. “Right, of course. Well, I’ll-I’ll put it up in your room just in case.”

Connor merely shrugged and took another bite of his cereal. It was so soggy that he nearly spit it out before he pushed the bowl away and stood up. “I’ll be outside.”

“Nicole will be here in ten minutes,” Zoe told him. She picked up her phone again and typed out a quick response. “She said there’s a homecoming committee meeting this afternoon.”

Connor leaned against the wall and regarded her. He had a sinking feeling he knew where this was going.

“It’s just a preliminary one, kind of a meet and greet thing,” Zoe continued. “Alana’s having it at her house. Nicole wants to join the committee and I said I’d go with her.” Zoe paused a beat while she waited for a response. “Connor will have to take the bus home.”

“I’m supposed to go to the library this afternoon,” Connor reminded his family.

“Oh, of course!” Cynthia exclaimed. She looked so excited that Connor half-expected her to jump up and down and clap her hands. “I nearly forgot. Well, that simplifies things. I’ll call Aunt Jamie and ask her if she can pick you up. She usually takes a late lunch break, so it shouldn’t be a problem. She’s so excited you’re going to be volunteering there this year.”

“Oh, yeah, I’m sure,” Connor mumbled under his breath.

“What was that, honey?”

“Nothing,” Connor shrugged. 

For a moment, no one spoke. The only noises were the rapid clacking sounds coming from Zoe’s phone as she typed out text message after text message. 

“How is Aunt Jamie?” Zoe asked without looking up from her phone. “I thought she was supposed to come for dinner last week. I was looking forward to seeing her.”

“Why? Are you that broke?” Connor scoffed. Their aunt always gave them each an envelope stuffed with cash whenever she came to visit. Though, Connor supposed that might change now that Aunt Jamie had moved back to town.

“No!” Zoe snapped. “I wanted her opinion before I get my hair cut.”

“I can go with you,” Cynthia offered. “I’m due for a trim myself. Why don’t we have a spa day this weekend?” Cynthia frowned as she turned to look at her husband. “You’ll be home Saturday, won’t you?”

“Why?” Larry glanced up from his phone long enough to squint at his wife.

“Because I still need a fucking babysitter,” Connor shot back. He pushed himself off the wall and stormed out of the kitchen before anyone could respond. 

Connor hadn’t really expected things to return to normal now that school was back in session, but he’d been hoping his family would ease off a bit. He hadn’t been left home alone since his hospitalization. His mother and Zoe had shared the bulk of the babysitting duties, but his father had pitched in a couple times.

Larry was, surprisingly enough, Connor’s favorite babysitter. He had spent his turns holed up in his study, only poking his head out to shout for Connor every half hour or so. Zoe had left Connor alone for the most part, but she made sure to check on him every fifteen minutes like clockwork. Cynthia rarely left him alone. She was always there, hovering in the background, wanting to chat, never going more than two rooms away. She even refused to close the door when she went to the bathroom. It was almost enough to make Connor glad he was heading back to school.

 

The air inside the house felt stifling as Connor fled from the kitchen. He realized that for the first time in months he could actually go outside without someone panicking and thinking he was running away.

He grabbed his bag from the hall seat and stepped out onto the porch. It was a hot day. The sun was shining brightly above and the air outside was already humid. 

It felt even better than Connor could have imagined. 

Connor had only been outside a minute when Zoe appeared behind him. She perched herself on the table next to him and resumed her texting.

“I’m not here to spy on you,” she said without looking up. “They’re fighting again.”

Connor nodded knowingly and squinted up at the sun. There was always an unspoken truce between the Murphy siblings when their parents got into an argument. 

They sat like that for several minutes until a silver sedan pulled up in front of the house. Zoe jumped up and waved excitedly as she sprinted across the lawn. A girl (Nicole, Connor assumed) opened the passenger side door and practically yanked Zoe inside.

Connor slid into the backseat without saying a word. Nicole glanced at him in the rearview mirror before turning back to Zoe.

“So, Zo-zo, how was the rest of your summer? I haven’t seen you since, what, the carnival?”

“I didn’t make it to the carnival.”

“Oh, yeah. You-” Nicole cut herself off with a shake of her head. Connor could feel her eyes on him, but he refused to meet them. “How’s all that going anyway?”

“Not here,” Zoe hissed back. Connor caught her eye in the mirror as she looked up at him. Zoe quickly broke the stare and looked down at her jeans. “Do I look okay? I think I had a growth spurt this summer because none of my clothes fit right. Mom and I were supposed to go shopping last week, but we didn’t, so I ordered some tops online. I didn’t get any jeans though. They never fit right when I order them.”

Connor tried his hardest to tune out the rest of their conversation, but that proved to be difficult as the volume and pitch increased each time one of them spoke. By the time they reached the school, he felt like he had learned enough about shopping and clothes and the importance of accessories to last him a lifetime and beyond.

There were two other girls waiting for them in the parking lot when they arrived. Zoe squealed excitedly and hugged each of them in turn. Connor started to walk around them when he felt Zoe grab his arm.

“Connor-” Zoe started to say. She bit her lip and looked back at her friends. They were giggling and whispering and pretending they weren’t listening. Connor couldn’t help but wonder how much they knew.

“Connor,” Zoe tried again. She released his arm and shook her head. 

“Zoe!” One of the girls yelled. “Come look at this. My sister sent me a picture of her dorm. It looks like something out of a horror movie.”

“Oh, God. It really does,” Nicole laughed as she waved the phone at Zoe. “Is she sure her room isn’t haunted?”

Zoe joined in the laughter as her friends caught up to her. Connor could hear them chattering away behind him as they all walked up to the building.

 

There was so much commotion in the school that Connor lost track of his sister and her friends within seconds of stepping inside. He kept his head down as he hurried up the stairs to find his locker. He could feel people staring everywhere he went. He managed to ignore them all until he got to the senior hallway and ran into Jared Kleinman.

Because, of course, there had to be at least one asshole with a smart mouth who had to go and try to start something with him.

Connor didn’t think that Jared or his sidekick, Evan, knew how lucky they were that Zoe took her babysitting duties so seriously. 

Mrs. Jensen’s classroom was only half-full when Connor arrived, so he actually had his pick of seats. He grabbed one in the last row and stretched himself out while he waited for class to begin. 

The final bell rang and the last few students hurried inside. Connor couldn’t help smirking when he saw that Evan Hansen was one of them. He knew before Evan did that the other boy was going to get stuck sitting next to him. 

The look of panic on Evan’s face when Mrs. Jensen called for everyone to take their seats gave Connor a strange sense of satisfaction. It really was true what they said. Misery loves company and all that shit.

Mrs. Jensen called roll as soon as the morning announcements were over. Connor slumped down in his seat and closed his eyes. The whispers around him were so loud that Mrs. Jensen had to stop twice to ask for silence.

“What’s he doing here?”

“I thought he was dead.”

“Girl, no, he got caught smuggling drugs.”

“I heard he-”

“Can hear every fucking word you’re saying,” Connor erupted. He jumped out of his chair and stepped forward to face the girl in front of him.

The girl (Jenna? Jill? Julie? Connor wasn’t sure.) stared at him with her mouth wide open. She looked around at her friends and let out a nervous chuckle. “Sit down, you freak.”

“There will be no name-calling in this class, Jocelyn. You’re all seniors now. Do I need to remind you that we have a zero-tolerance bullying policy here?” Mrs. Jensen snapped. “But, please sit down, Connor, and watch your language. Words like that will land you in detention.”

Mrs. Jensen rubbed her forehead and picked the class list up again. “Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Hansen, Evan.”

Connor drummed his fingers on his desk and waited for Evan to speak up so that they could all move on with their lives. 

“Hansen, Evan,” Mrs. Jensen repeated. She looked around the room uncertainly. 

Connor glanced over at Evan. He sighed when he saw that Evan had buried his face in his arms and was showing no signs of budging. 

“He’s over here,” Connor called, pointing at the desk next to him.

Evan lifted his head up slightly and blinked at Connor before sliding back down in his seat. Connor could hear the sound of Evan’s skull hitting the desk, but the other boy did not react at all.

“Ah, Evan, I thought I saw you,” Mrs. Jensen nodded. “All right, let’s see. Hunter, Kelly.”

And so, it went until Mrs. Jensen got to ‘Zimmerman, Jeremy.’ 

The bell rang just as Mrs. Jensen dismissed them. Connor grabbed his bag and was out the door before she finished wishing them all a good first day.


	3. Chapter 3

**Monday, August 28, 2017 3:02 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

This will be quick because I have to head out in a minute. My mom’s picking me up for my therapy appointment. She was supposed to be here already, but she just called and said she’s running late.

So, I figured what better way to kill some time than to check in with you?

It beats standing around outside and pretending to text anyway.

How was your day? I hope it wasn’t too terrible.

The word ‘sucked’ isn’t strong enough to describe mine. 

I’d tell you more, but I guess I should go wait for my mom. She said she has to rush back to work and I hate to make her late.

**Sincerely,  
E**

 

Evan snapped his laptop shut and stuck it back in his bag. It had taken him an embarrassingly long amount of time to screenshot his message log and send it the school printer. It wasn’t that hard, really. It was just that he had started feeling nervous about the fact that he was using the YANA website at school.

Which was ridiculous because he was the only one in the computer lab.

Who did he think was going to see? The freshmen who were roaming the halls, trying to find the exit? The soccer players roughhousing as they headed out to practice? The crazy squirrel hitting his tail on the window? 

Knowing he was being crazy did not make it any easier to stop being crazy though.

Evan could feel the bile rising in his throat the moment he reached the printer. It was empty. How could it be empty? He knew he had hit print. He had heard it print. He had heard the paper come out. He had seen it there before he grabbed his bag off the floor.

“Looking for this?”

Evan spun around in the direction of the voice. Connor Murphy was standing behind him, waving a paper that was unmistakably Evan’s log.

“W-what?” Evan stammered. He tried to grab the sheet, but Connor snatched it away.

“I didn’t think you had this in you, Hansen,” Connor sneered. “What are you? Some kind of hacker? Some kind of fucking computer hacker?”

“What?” Evan tried again. 

“Do you think this is funny? Do you even know what this site is? What were you planning to do? Leak people’s personal information? Expose their fucking mental issues? That’s some kind of messed up, life-ruining shit.”

“I-”

Connor took a step towards him. Evan automatically shrank back against the desk behind him. 

“If this gets out,” Connor growled. “If I get even one hint that you’ve exposed anyone on this site, I will end you.”

Connor crumpled the paper and chucked it at Evan’s head before stalking out of the room. 

Evan’s entire body shook as he reached down to grab the paper off the floor. He swallowed several times and tried desperately to catch his breath while he attempted to smooth it out again.

What the hell had just happened?


	4. Chapter 4

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Connor did not see his aunt Jamie coming until she had managed to sneak up and pull him into a side hug.

“Connor!” Jamie exclaimed, beaming up at him. “It’s good to see you, kiddo. I had to park down the street since traffic’s kind of nuts around here. That crossing guard wouldn’t let me through.” 

Jamie shook her head and continued, “So, slight change of plans. The air conditioner in the library crapped out on us this afternoon, so we decided to close early.”

Connor’s eyes narrowed as he analyzed his aunt’s behavior. He had been wondering how much Aunt Jamie knew about what had happened to him. He knew that his grandparents knew next to nothing. It was easy to see that Jamie had heard at least some of it. She was never this chipper and liked giving hugs even less than Connor did. In fact, that was one of the reasons she was his favorite relative. Her idea of showing affection was clapping someone on the shoulder or swatting the back of their head as she walked by. 

“So, I was thinking-” Jamie said as they crossed the street. “I was thinking that you could give me a tour of the town this afternoon. It’s been, oh, what?” She looked up quickly and wiggled her fingers as though she were counting. “Twelve years since I lived here. Damn, I’m getting old.”

“I think I'll just go home, if that’s okay,” Connor shrugged.

“Oh,” Jamie blinked. “Of course. I get it. I wouldn’t have wanted to hang out with me either when I was your age. Maybe we could just grab a coffee or something. My treat, of course. What’s your favorite coffee shop? All the ones I’ve tried have been mediocre at best.”

“I have homework,” Connor replied. It was taking all of his self-restraint not to lash out at Jamie, to keep from telling her to leave him alone. He inhaled sharply and exhaled through his nose.

“Oh, right, of course,” Jamie nodded. “I’ll-I’ll just drop you off then.”

They reached her car and Connor waited while Jamie dug through her purse for her keys. “It’s one of those unexplained phenomena,” Jamie laughed, waving her keys triumphantly. “The black holes that form in ladies’ purses.”

Jamie pointed to something outside Connor’s window as she started the car. “Did you drop something?”

Connor looked out and saw a paper on the ground. He picked it up. “My English notes,” he explained. “I thought I lost them.”

Jamie shrugged and checked her mirrors before pulling out of the parking spot.

 

They drove in silence. That was another thing Connor liked about his aunt. She almost never felt the need to fill silence with awkward chatter.

Connor leaned back in his seat and stared blankly out the window. He didn’t know what his notes had fallen out of, but they hadn’t been in the binder he thought he’d shoved them in. 

He had only gone back to the computer lab after school to look for them. If he hadn’t checked the printer…

Connor could feel the anger rising up in him again. He tried to concentrate on his breathing the way Dr. Miller suggested. In and out. In and out. 

Jamie glanced over at him, but refrained from speaking.

Evan fucking Hansen. Connor couldn’t believe it. The more he thought about it, the less sense it made.

He didn’t know Evan well. He barely knew him at all, really.

Evan didn’t seem like the type to pull this kind of shit though.

There was an alternative theory, of course. It hadn’t occurred to Connor until he was halfway down the hall.

Evan could be E. 

It made sense in a way. The name for one thing. The cast, for another. 

Connor tried to remember if he’d ever heard Evan talk about trees. He couldn’t even think of one time when he’d heard Evan say anything that was totally coherent though.

The thought that Evan could be E made Connor shift uncomfortably in his seat. He had reacted on instinct when he saw the print-out from the YANA website. He had recognized the tree avatar at the top and had seen red. 

Connor’s head throbbed as he mentally replayed the incident in the computer lab. He couldn’t think about that just now. He would have to deal with it later. Much later. Maybe never.

His hands twitched against his thighs. The day had been too much for him. Too many stares, too many classes, too much to process. He longed for something to take the edge off. 

“Connor,” Jamie said softly. Connor opened his eyes and looked at her. He hadn’t realized he’d closed them. “We’re here.”

Connor nodded and reached for the door handle. 

“Connor, listen,” Jamie sighed and ran a hand through her hair. Connor noticed for the first time that it was solid brown. He couldn’t remember ever seeing his aunt without any rainbow-colored streaks in her hair. “If you ever want to talk-”

Jamie shook her head and looked down at her lap. Connor didn’t need a mirror to know that his expression had turned murderous.

“I’ll see you next week, yeah?” 

Connor didn’t bother responding. He simply flung the door open and staggered out of the car.

 

The house was quiet. Quiet and empty. Connor couldn’t believe his luck. Jamie must have neglected to tell his mother about the library closing early.

It occurred to Connor that for the first time in months, he could do anything he wanted. It was a shame he didn't know any dealers who did house calls. Connor considered the possibility of heading back out, but the throbbing in his head was getting worse by the second. He needed to lie down and regroup.

Connor didn’t see her until he reached the top of the stairs. His head tilted as he glanced out the window. The driveway was empty. It was just the two of them.

“What are you doing?”

Zoe jumped. Her body hit the wall behind her and a hand shot up to her chest as she turned to face him. “Jeez, Connor. What’re you doing here? I didn’t think-”

Connor’s eyes narrowed as he realized where she was coming from. “You were in my room.”

“What? No.”

“Why were you in my room?”

“I wasn’t in your room.”

“What were you doing in my fucking room?”

“Oh my God,” Zoe cried. “Did all that pot mess with your hearing? I wasn’t in your fucking room.”

Connor advanced on her. “Did Mom put you up to this?”

“No!”

“You know I don’t like people going in my room.”

“Okay, seriously, for the last time-”

“What were you doing in my room?”

“LET GO OF ME!”

Connor recoiled at her words. He dropped her arms and took a step backwards. His head was spinning. He couldn’t even remember grabbing her.

“Why. Do. You. Hate. Me? What. Did. I. Ever. Do. To. You? Besides. Be. Born.” Zoe punctuated each word with a fist to one of Connor’s shoulders.

“ZOE!”

Connor didn’t think he had ever seen their mother move so quickly. One second, she was at the bottom of the stairs. The next, she was standing beside them.

“Zoe, stop hitting your brother!”

“He-”

“I don’t care if he started it. We do not resort to violence in this house!”

Zoe’s expression turned blank, but she lowered her arms and moved past Connor. “I’m out of here.”

“Zoe-”

“Nicole’s picking me up. She had to go drop her brother off at baseball practice. She’ll be back any second.”

“Will you be home for dinner?”

Zoe shook her head. “I’ll probably eat at Nicole’s tonight.”

“Zoe-”

“I’ll text you later, Mom.” Zoe gave their mother a quick peck on the cheek and ran down the stairs. Connor heard the door slam behind her.

“Well, that was…” Cynthia shook her head. “I guess it’s just the two of us tonight. Your father has a dinner meeting.”

Connor didn’t know what to say, so he kept his mouth shut and started towards his room.

“Connor,” Cynthia said brightly. “I was just thinking it’s been ages since I’ve watched any of the Harry Potter movies. I was thinking we could have a mini-marathon tonight, like we used to when you were little. We can order Indian food and eat in the living room.”

“What about your diet?” The words left Connor’s mouth before he realized that he was actually engaging with his mother.

“What are diets for if you don’t cheat once in a while?” Cynthia grinned. “So, what do you say? Tandoori Chicken and Garlic Naan?”

Connor knew she was trying. He knew she wanted to connect with him, to feel like things were getting back to the way they once were. He knew he should say yes.

“I have homework.”

“Oh,” Cynthia said. Her voice was heavy with skepticism. “Well, I’ll be in my room if you change your mind.”

Connor adjusted the bag on his shoulder and stalked down the hall. 

His door was closed when he got there. He opened it slowly and looked around. Nothing seemed unusual or out of place. The navy backpack on his bed was the only sign that someone had been there since he’d left. Connor scoffed at the backpack and threw it under the bed. He didn’t know what his mother had been thinking. It looked like the kind of bag he would’ve used in elementary school, when he didn’t know any better.

Connor dropped his belongings on the ground and collapsed on his bed. He had just rolled onto his side when he saw it. There was an envelope on the floor. An envelope that must have been shoved under his door.

It had his name on it. Even from across the room, Connor could tell that it was from Zoe. 

His cheeks filled up with air and he exhaled slowly. Whatever Zoe had to tell him would have to wait. He didn’t think he’d have the energy to focus on anything other than his breathing for quite a while.


	5. Chapter 5

_Dear Connor,_

_I don’t know how to start this. I’ve been trying to write this for days. I keep opening a document, staring at the screen, typing for a while, and then deleting everything._

_I’m not going to do that anymore. I need to get this done. I have an appointment with Dr. Weinstein tomorrow afternoon and I don’t think I can handle seeing her disappointed stare again._

_Dr. Weinstein is my therapist, by the way. I don’t know if you know that. I’m in therapy now. I have been for almost three months._

_Mom started making me go when she realized I wasn’t sleeping right. She thought it would help me if I talked to someone._

_It does, kind of. I don’t know. I feel better than I did. I’m sleeping more at any rate._

_So, why, you may ask, am I sitting in the computer lab writing to you instead of hanging out with my friends?_

_Dr. Weinstein thinks I won’t be able to recover from my “trauma” unless I tell you how I feel._

_She suggested that I sit down with you and Mom and Dad and we discuss it as a family. I told her that could only end in disaster._

_She then suggested that she coordinate with Dr. Miller to arrange a sit-down for the two of us and our therapists. Strangely enough, I wasn’t exactly keen on that one either._

_That’s when she suggested the letter idea. I was going to ignore it, but she told Mom and Mom latched onto it and_

_Shit._

_Nicole just asked me what I was working on. She was freaking out because our schedules have been the same so far today and she thought I was working on an assignment that she didn’t know about._

_I snapped my laptop shut before she could see this. I told her it was nothing, but she didn’t believe me and… I don’t know. I didn’t mean to sound rude, but I guess I must have. She’s sitting with Maya and Jenny now and they’re all whispering and taking turns glaring at me._

_See, that’s the thing. I can’t be rude. I can never be rude or angry or mean or anything that will make anyone look at me and say that it must run in the family._

_I have to be the anti-Connor._

_So, now I’m going to have to go buy cookies for my friends and spend the rest of the day bitching about cramps, even though it’s not time for my period._

_Stop staring at this letter in disgust. Do you have any idea how many disgusting things (bodily fluids, jokes, stories, I could go on) I’ve had to put up with while you’ve been high?_

_And that’s just when you’re in a good mood. Which you almost never are._

_I almost left you up there that day._

_I seriously considered it._

_It all happened so fast, but there was a moment. A flash of a moment where I wanted to leave you._

_I wasn’t supposed to be home. I wouldn’t have been there if band practice hadn’t let out early._

_I froze when I came in. I froze and my body went numb._

_I wanted to flee, to put as much distance between us as I could manage._

_It occurred to me that no one knew I was there. I thought about the fact that I could slip right back out the door and no one would ever know._

_I didn’t though. Of course, I didn’t._

_I cut you down. I called 911. I stayed with you and followed the operator’s instructions. I rode with you in the ambulance and acted as your advocate until Mom showed up._

_I didn’t cry. Not one tear. I didn’t scream or yell or throw myself on the floor._

_I didn’t beg you to live or to stay with me._

_I saved your life because it was the right thing to do. Because what kind of a monster would I be if I didn’t?_

_I didn’t sleep at all that night. I think Mom slipped something in my tea because I got really loopy at one point, but I never fell asleep._

_Dad drove me home eventually._

_I stayed home from school and watched cartoons all day._

_I was watching an old episode of SpongeBob SquarePants when the tears finally came. I curled up in a ball and cried. I was so tired. Everything hurt. I cried until I couldn’t breathe, until I felt like I was going to pass out._

_I started thinking about when we were little, how we used to watch SpongeBob together. How Mom hated it and Dad thought it was stupid, but they let us watch it whenever we wanted because it was one of the few things that we actually enjoyed doing together._

_I thought about the fact that I would, for all intents and purposes, be an only child if you didn’t pull through._

_I thought about family vacations and trips to the orchard and zoo visits and holidays and everything I liked about our childhood._

_I thought about how the last positive memory I have of you is over five years old._

_I thought about what it would be like if you were gone. No more tiptoeing around the house. No more screaming matches. No more claiming that my parents won’t let my friends spend the night at our house._

_I thought about what it would be like to be the dead guy’s sister, about how it would be different from being the weird loner’s sister._

_I thought about how we don’t even know each other anymore._

_I wondered if we ever really knew each other._

_I started wondering what had made you do it. Even on my worst days, on the ones where it feels like everyone and everything is out to get me, I’ve never even considered killing myself._

_It made me sick to my stomach, thinking about it. Had there been signs that I should have noticed? I knew Mom and Dad were in denial about your issues, whatever they may be, but I knew there was something wrong. I never imagined things were that bad though._

_I must have fallen asleep at some point during all that because the next thing I remember is looking up to see Mom standing over me._

_She looked even worse than she did when Grandma had her stroke._

_She got on the couch with me and put on some old, black and white movie. We didn’t talk. We just stayed like that until it was over and she decided we needed to eat something._

_Dad came home then. We stood around the kitchen and ate in silence. Dad didn’t even look at his phone one time._

_It felt wrong. Unnatural. Like something was missing._

_That’s when I made a decision. I decided that I would be there for you. If you survived, I would be there for you._

_And I’ve tried to be. Not very successfully, I’ll admit, but I don’t really know what to do._

_I’m not going to claim I understand what you’re going through. I’m not going to promise I can help you. I’m not going to swear that I will listen to you and refrain from passing judgement._

_I know you hate me and, honestly, the feeling is often mutual, but you’re my brother._

_I love you and I want you to be safe._

_And I’m here. If you need me, I’ll always be there for you._

_I can promise you that much._

_Sincerely,  
Zoe_

 

“So, then, Maya said she was going to get a tattoo of a pink elephant on her butt.”

“Okay,” Zoe nodded absentmindedly. She picked up a lock of her hair and started checking it for split ends. The world passed by in a blur as Nicole took the exit ramp and turned onto Elmwood Road.

“I told her that would be awesome since then we’d be tattoo twins.”

“Mmhmm.”

“Zoe!”

“What?” 

“You haven’t been listening to me at all, have you?”

“Not really, no,” Zoe admitted sheepishly.

“So, what’s going on with you anyway?” Nicole demanded.

“Nothing.”

“Zo-zo, I’m your best friend. I know something’s-”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Okay, but-”

“It’s private, all right?” Zoe snapped. She pressed her forehead against the window and bit her lip. She needed to get a handle on herself. Her voice had come out much harsher than she’d intended.

“Look, I know you’re PMSing or whatever, but you don’t need to take it out on me.”

“This has nothing to do with you, Nic. If I want to talk, I’ll let you know.”

“Is this because of the whole Sophie thing?”

“No, but, now that you mention it-”

“Oh my God!” Nicole slapped the steering wheel as she pulled up to a red light. “I’ve apologized a million times.”

“You’ve apologized twice, but I can see how-”

“If I’d known Sophie was going to spread all that shit about your brother-”

“How could you not know?” Zoe straightened herself up and turned to face her friend. “Sophie Ventura is the biggest gossip in our school. What did you think was going to happen when you told her that my brother was gone?”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Nicole said defensively. “I wasn’t thinking. I just-”

“If you’d kept your mouth shut, no one would’ve even noticed that Connor wasn’t around.”

“Sure, they would have. People would’ve eventually realized how much safer the halls were when he wasn’t there.”

“Stop the car.”

“What? No.”

“Pull over, Nicole.”

“Zoe!”

“Just… Can you please just pull over for a minute?”

Nicole exhaled loudly through her mouth and spun the wheel sharply as she moved to the side of the road. “Fine. You want to have it out here? Let’s go, girl.”

“What?” Zoe shook her head and gestured to the bus stop next to them. “No. I just need a minute.”

Zoe reached for the door handle, but Nicole beat her to it. “Let me out.”

“Are you seriously going to take the bus home?”

“No,” Zoe sighed. “I just saw someone I need to talk to.”

“Who?” Nicole frowned and leaned forward to look at the crowd gathered at the stop. Her eyes lit up when she spotted someone in the back. “That guy? He goes to school with us, doesn’t he? Ethan something-or-another?”

“Evan,” Zoe corrected. “I’ll be right back. Promise.”

Nicole rolled her eyes as she unlocked the doors. “Alana’s going to kill us.”

“Tell her we’re on our way,” Zoe instructed as she climbed out of the car.

Zoe absentmindedly smoothed out her shirt as she approached Evan. He was leaning against a tree next to the bus stop and kept squinting up at the sun. Zoe made two attempts at greeting him before she realized he had his headphones on. 

“Hey, Evan,” she said as she stepped in front of him and waved. Zoe instantly regretted her actions as Evan started so violently that he almost took her down with him.

“Uh, um,” Evan started. One of his earbuds had fallen out and his knees wobbled as he tried to regain his balance. “Hi?”

“Hi,” Zoe said in the kindest tone she could manage. “Sorry. I didn’t mean-”

“N-no,” Evan shook his head fiercely. “Don’t apologize. I should apologize. I didn’t mean to-”

“You’re fine, really,” Zoe assured him. “Listen, I saw you as Nicole and I were passing by.” She gestured towards Nicole’s car and was relieved to see that her friend was too preoccupied with texting to pay attention to them. “And, well, I thought I’d check in. Make sure you’re doing okay after the whole Connor thing this morning.”

Zoe’s tone was light, but she could feel her expression shifting as she studied Evan. This wasn’t the first time she’d checked on someone who’d had an encounter with her brother. It was the first time she was genuinely concerned about how the other person was handling it though. Evan had looked like he was going to faint when she’d left him earlier.

“Oh, um, yeah-yeah,” Evan nodded. “I’m fine. Never better. No harm done. Thanks for asking.”

The words tumbled out of him so quickly that it took Zoe a second to process what he’d said. “I’m Zoe, by the way,” she told him. “I don’t think I introduced myself this morning.”

“Oh, yeah, I know,” Evan said. 

“You know?”

“No, I mean, I, um,” Evan shifted uncomfortably against the tree and swallowed. “Jared! He-he told me that was your name. Not that we were talking about you. We weren’t. He just mentioned it. In passing. Only in passing. Like, he said you know that girl Zoe who-who saved us this morning. That was it.”

“Oh, okay,” Zoe said calmly. Her head tilted as she tried to read his expression. “Are you sure you’re-”

“Fine!” Evan filled in. “I’m totally, one hundred percent fine.”

“Okay, good,” Zoe smiled weakly. “So, I should probably-”

“Go, yeah.”

Zoe turned to leave when a thought occurred to her. “Hey, do you need a ride?”

“A ride?” Evan repeated. He blinked several times and pointed to the street. Zoe wasn’t sure which one of them was more relieved to see that a bus had pulled up to the stop. “There’s my ride.”

“I guess I’ll see you around school then.”

“School, yeah. See you,” Evan mumbled. His head dropped down as he hurried to join the throng of people boarding the bus.

Nicole was tapping the steering wheel and singing along to the radio when Zoe slid back in the car. She froze in the middle of a long note and raised an eyebrow at Zoe.

“So, are you going to tell me what that was about or this is yet another thing we’re not talking about?”

Zoe fastened her seatbelt and looked out the window as the bus pulled away from the curb. She could see Evan sitting in the back. His head was still down. She didn’t know why that bothered her, but it did.

“Zoe?” Nicole tried again.

“Yeah?”

“What’s going on with you? Why won’t you tell me anything? It was like pulling teeth last year just to get you to admit that something was going on with your brother. Do you have any idea what that was like? People kept coming up to me. They figured I must know the whole story. Except, of course, I didn’t know squat. I kept saying it was drugs, but they wanted to know more and-”

“That was you?” 

“What?”

“That was you?” Zoe snapped. “You started the drug thing?”

“I didn’t start it!” Nicole insisted. “Everyone knows Connor’s a burnout.”

“He’s-” Zoe shook her head. “God, Nicole. Why would you do that? How would you feel if I went around saying stuff like that about Mattie?”

“That would be totally different.”

“How? Mattie’s your brother, Connor’s mine.”

“The difference being that I actually like Mattie. You can’t stand Connor.”

“I-” Zoe bit her lip and looked down. She didn’t know why this was making her so angry. Nicole was right. She didn’t like Connor. She loved him because he was her brother, but she couldn’t stand him as a person. She’d never felt the need to defend him or feel upset on his behalf.

This was all Dr. Weinstein’s fault, Zoe decided. She had been the one who made Zoe write that letter. Writing that thing had pulled all of her emotions to the surface. It had been darker than she’d expected. She’d already talked about everything she’d written in the letter during her sessions with Dr. Weinstein, but it hadn’t felt real until she put it in writing. She’d had to rush to the bathroom and splash water on her face when she’d finished it.

Nicole had followed her in. She’d tried to comfort Zoe and had offered to buy her a chocolate bar. They had commiserated about how horrible hormones were. 

And now, here they were, arguing in Nicole’s car while traffic zoomed by all around them.

“It’s been a long day. Let’s not do this now,” Nicole sighed. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and slumped down in her seat. “So, Alana texted me while you were gone. She said the meeting’s been postponed until next week.”

“Oh,” Zoe said. “Well, you can take me back home, if you want.”

“I was thinking we could hit the mall actually,” Nicole replied. “Get you some new jeans.”

Zoe quickly weighed the pros and cons of going along with Nicole's suggestion. Nicole was her best friend. They’d been friends since they were in the third grade. They’d had their ups and downs, but they always got through them.

Nicole was trying. She was willing to sweep their argument under the rug and move on. For now, at least.

Zoe felt tired. She suddenly felt so exhausted that she didn’t want to move, to think, to do anything at all.

“Okay, sure, sounds good,” she said. “I’ll text Maya and Jenny. Maybe they can meet us.”

“I already did,” Nicole grinned. It was a forced grin, but a grin nonetheless. 

“Great minds think alike,” Zoe chirped. Her tone sounded so fake that she couldn’t help cringing internally.

“I told them to meet us at the food court,” Nicole replied. “I need a hit of caffeine.”

“Oh, I am so with you on that one,” Zoe nodded eagerly.

“Coffee and cheese fries,” Nicole said as she flicked her turn signal on. “Just what the doctor ordered.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Wednesday, August 30, 2017 6:19 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

Testing, testing, one, two, three.

Is this thing on?

**Sincerely,  
E**

 

**Wednesday, August 30, 2017 6:22 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

Ok, so I just refreshed my sent folder and my latest test message is in there.

Looks like we’re back in business.

I thought the site was back online yesterday. I wrote this whole long message about how great it is that my school lets seniors eat outside. I waxed poetic about the memorial garden I’ve decided to sit in this year. I think I painted quite a picture with my descriptions of the trees I saw. It was beautiful, really. You would’ve been impressed.

Then, I hit send and the site decided to crash again.

Figures.

I’d try to type it out again, but I don’t think I could do it justice this time.

Yesterday was actually an okay day. Today, not so much.

I’ll spare you the details. I don’t feel like getting into it at the moment.

My mom will be home any minute and she’s going to want to talk about my day while we eat. It’ll be a lot harder for me to pretend everything’s fine if I vent about it here first.

And, there’s the door. I better go before she comes looking for me. She’ll try to read this if she sees what I’m doing.

I hope you’re having a better week than I am.

**Sincerely,  
E**

 

**Thursday, August 31, 2017 4:18 AM**

**Dear Friend:**

I shouldn’t be on here now. I have to get up in two hours. I should keep trying to get some sleep, but I don’t think it’s happening tonight.

I keep replaying things in my head. Every time I shut my eyes, I can’t stop thinking about every awkward or embarrassing thing I did today. Yesterday. Technically, yesterday now.

This isn’t an unusual thing for me to do, but some nights are worse than others.

I don’t know why I’m writing this. I don’t really have anything to say.

Somehow, I doubt you want to hear about how I dropped my science textbook in front of the whole class today.

And, besides, you still haven’t replied to my previous message.

I’m breaking all the rules by writing to you when it’s your turn to respond. Though, I guess I’ve already broken that rule several times now.

Are you getting these messages? It looks like they’re going through, but I’m not sure. The site’s being weird.

**Sincerely,  
E**

 

**Saturday, September 2, 2017 5:11 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

My mom keeps asking me if I’m going to the event they’re having at my school tonight. I think it’s some kind of fundraiser for the football team. 

“J’s mother said he’s going. Do you want me to see if he can give you a ride?”

She looked so disappointed when I said no that I almost agreed to go just to make her happy. 

She keeps saying that I should try going, that I can’t say I won’t like it since I’ve never actually gone to something like this.

I know exactly what would happen if I went though.

J would spend the whole car ride complaining about what a pain it is to be my chauffer. He would then manage to ditch me within five minutes of arriving at the event.

I would end up having a nervous breakdown due to the noise and the size of the crowd and would have to find a quiet place to sit until it’s over. 

I wouldn’t leave early because I wouldn’t want to worry my mom.

J would track me down eventually, if his car insurance bill hasn’t been paid yet this month, or I’d have to take the bus home, if it has.

I don’t think I’m in the wrong here. I think it’s perfectly reasonable for me to stay home instead of putting myself through that.

And, besides, there’s a nature program on PBS tonight that I want to watch. It’s starting at 8 if you’re interested.

**Sincerely,  
E**

 

**Monday, September 4, 2017 8:36 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

I promised myself I’d be good and wait for you to respond before writing again, but it’s been a week since I heard from you.

You said you were going to send a farewell message if something made you leave.

I hope you’re just having technical difficulties or something.

I think the site’s still glitching. It was doing this weird blinking thing when I checked it yesterday.

I get it if you’re busy or don’t want to talk, but could you at least let me know you’re still alive?

**Sincerely,  
E**


	7. Chapter 7

“So, a noose, huh? That’s hardcore, man.”

Aunt Jamie’s words alone would have been enough to alarm Connor, but the fact that they came out after a half hour of total silence made him jump.

It was getting late. Connor wasn’t sure exactly what time it was, but it felt like they’d been working for hours. 

“Apparently, my predecessor thought that filing was optional,” Aunt Jamie had explained as she led him to the library basement. 

She hadn’t been exaggerating. Connor would normally have refused to touch the piles of papers, but the idea of doing something mind-numbingly tedious had felt very appealing to him that day.

It hadn’t taken him long to work out a system and get into a groove. It had occurred to him at one point that he was working twice as fast as Aunt Jamie. Now, he could see why. She obviously had something else on her mind. 

“I couldn’t have done that,” Jamie continued without looking up from the stack in front of her. “I have this thing about not being able to breathe, so I went with pills.”

Connor’s head shot up and he spun around to face her.

Jamie laughed, but there wasn’t any humor in it. “I tried to kill myself when I was sixteen. You know, I thought I was being so clever. I was obsessed with Sleeping Beauty when I was growing up, so I decided to down a bunch of sleeping pills on my sixteenth birthday. It didn’t work, obviously. It turned into a real mess. I’ll spare you the details.”

“You tried to kill yourself?” Connor repeated the words slowly. His eyes narrowed as he studied her expression. This felt like a trap. Yet another desperate attempt by his family to get him to open up. 

“I’m flattered. Is it that hard to believe that I was once a miserable teenager? Believe it or not, I wasn’t always the fabulous figure standing before you today.” Jamie laughed again and patted her stomach so that it jiggled. 

Connor quickly dropped his gaze and slumped over the stack in front of him. He hoped his aunt would take the hint, but he didn’t expect that to happen. He recognized the glint in her eyes. It was the same one his mom got when she was gearing up for a lecture.

“This is nothing compared to what it was like when I was sixteen,” Jamie said. “I’m chubby now. I was fat then. I was fat and awkward and horribly shy. I didn’t have any friends. My best friend from elementary school moved across town when we were twelve. She was the only person I ever hung out with before she left and I found it impossible to make new friends when she was gone.

“Being fat isn’t a bad thing as long as you’re healthy otherwise. I will argue that to the death with anyone who disagrees. It was awful when I was a teenager though. My mom, she, well, you’ve met her. You’ve seen the pictures, you’ve heard the stories. You know what she’s like. She was a beauty queen, a model. She can still fit into dresses she wore thirty years ago.

“She didn’t try to make me feel bad about myself, exactly, but she didn’t try to make me feel good either. She was always trying to get me to diet. She kept telling me how much better I’d feel if I could just lose ten pounds. That was always her solution. The other kids made fun of you? Lose ten pounds and they’ll stop. You don’t have any friends? Lose ten pounds and they’ll start inviting you to parties. Bad grade? Lose ten pounds. It’ll make your brain work more efficiently. 

“My dad wasn’t any better. He always agreed with whatever Mom said. When he was around, that is. He was always working. I used to tease your mom about that. You know there are people who say women marry men that remind them of their fathers. I think there might be some truth to that.

“So, anyway, my parents weren’t what you would call supportive. I didn’t have any friends. I was invisible to my classmates unless they were making fun of me. I spent four years pretending the name ‘Giant Jamie’ didn’t make me cry into my pillow at night.

Jamie paused for a moment and bit her lip. “I don’t know how much you know about our family’s history, but I’m guessing whatever your mom has told you isn’t the whole truth. You know that we’re half-sisters. We share a dad, but have different mothers. My dad was still married to your grandmother when he met my mom. I won’t traumatize you by going into it all, so let’s just call my mother a homewrecker and move on.”

Connor swallowed his laughter. He cursed internally when he realized he hadn’t totally hidden his amusement. The fact that he was still listening seemed to bolster Jamie. Her voice sounded lighter when she resumed her story.

“Your mother was eleven when her parents split up, thirteen when I was born. We were never close when I was growing up. We’re not all that close now, but at least we’ve learned to be civil to each other. Growing up, I only saw her during the holidays and for a month each summer. She spent most of her time in the house talking to her friends and ignoring me. When she did talk to me, it was almost always to make snide comments about everything from my weight to my taste in cartoons. 

“I shouldn’t say this, but I’ve always thought I’m the reason she stays with your father. She doesn’t want you and Zoe to end up in a situation where you feel like you’re being replaced.”

“So,” Jamie took a deep breath and stretched her hands out on the desk. “My reason for telling you all that is that, well, I get it. I get what it’s like to have parents who don’t understand you, who don’t care enough to pay attention to what’s really going on with you. I get what it’s like to have a sister who hates you. To be hated by your classmates. To feel invisible. To feel like it would be better for everyone in your life if you just disappeared.

“I wish I could tell you that it magically gets better, but that’s not the case. It does get better, bit by bit. The older I get, the more comfortable I get in my own skin. The less I care about what other people think when they look at me. The less I care about what my mother says.

“Life is messy though. No matter how old you are, things happen that you don’t know how to handle. I never thought I’d be back here. When I left home, I swore I’d never live in this town again. Now, here I am. Back here. Living in my parents’ basement and sneaking donuts at work to get rid of the taste of my mother’s cooking.

“I came back because I don’t trust myself to be on my own right now. Things have been… I don’t know if you remember Louis. You met him at Thanksgiving last year. We dated for almost two years. I thought things were going well. Then, I came home and found him in bed with our next-door neighbor.”

Jamie shook her head and chuckled sheepishly. “I really shouldn’t be telling you all this. Please feel free to tell me to shut up at any time.” She looked up and caught Connor’s eye. He could tell she was surprised to see that he was still paying attention. 

“Right, well, so Louis and I broke up, obviously. It sent me into a bit of a spiral. It’s stupid, I know, but I started thinking all these things that I hadn’t thought since I was in high school. I was talking to your mom one day and she told me what had happened to you. She wanted my advice. She kept asking me what my mom said after I tried to kill myself. It threw me through a loop. I felt like I was sixteen again, standing in my bathroom and staring at my reflection. I couldn’t think of anything useful to tell her. She ended up hanging up on me and, for once, I can’t say I blame her. 

“I just-I just felt so lost and confused and I needed to get out of there. Louis and I worked together. I had to see him every day. I had to dodge our co-workers’ stares everywhere I went. It felt like everything in my life was crumbling and I couldn’t make it stop. So, when my mom told me there was a job opening at the library here, I seized it.

“So, now I’m back. And I’m here. And, well-”

Jamie stood up and crossed the room to kneel down next to Connor. “I need to know that you hear me when I say this, that you understand me. If you remember anything about what I’ve said tonight - anything besides the fact that your aunt is a raving lunatic who needs to find a new therapist...” Jamie pulled a face and shook her head. “If you remember anything, let it be this. I’m here if you need me. If you want to talk, if you feel the way you did when you hung that noose, if you just need to get out of the house, you can always call me. Or text me. Or whatever. I don’t care what time it is. I don’t care if you’re drunk or high or bleeding from self-inflicted wounds, I will be there. I will come get you. No questions asked.”

Jamie rocked back on her heels and shook her head again. “And, no, I won’t tell your mother. I’d actually appreciate it if you don’t tell her what I said tonight. I know she was hoping I’d be able to help you, but somehow, I don’t think she’d be happy I took it in this direction. I think she was just hoping that I’d tell you to open up to her. That mothers can heal all wounds.”

Jamie stood up and stretched her arms above her head. “But, they can’t. Of course, they can’t. And aunts can’t either. I’m not saying I-”

Jamie’s eyes widened as they landed on the clock by the stairs. “Jeez, would you look at that? How’d it get this late? I guess that explains why my stomach’s been rumbling. Are you hungry? We can order a pizza if you want. Or I can take you home, if you’d rather eat there. I think I can finish up on my own.”

Connor stared down at his hands. “Pizza sounds good.”

“Oh, good, great,” Jamie nodded and grabbed her phone. “Pepperoni and extra cheese, okay?” 

Connor nodded vaguely and picked up another stack of papers. His mind felt dizzy and numb at the same time. Part of him wanted to lash out, to make some kind of derogatory comment about how he didn’t want to be welcomed into whatever club Aunt Jamie thought they were both in, to say that their situations were not the same at all. 

Part of him still wondered if this was all some sort of trick. 

He watched his aunt out of the corner of his eye. Her hands were shaking and her eyes looked more than a little unsettled. She stammered her way through the phone call and repeated the order twice before she hung up.

“Pizza will be here in 25 minutes,” she said.

They worked in silence until the pizza came. Connor waited for Aunt Jamie to start prattling on about whatever book she was reading or the show she was binge-watching, but she didn’t say a word. He supposed she was all talked out.

 

 

It was just after eight when Connor finally got home. His mother was waiting for him by the door. She tried to feed him the casserole she’d made for dinner, but he ducked past her and went up the stairs before she could ask how his day had been.

Zoe’s door was closed when Connor reached it. He could see light shining through the cracks and could hear music playing inside. He didn’t recognize the song, but knew it was by one of the artists she listened to while studying.

He stood there for a moment with his hand fumbling through his bag. He pulled out the letter and stared at his sister’s door. He had been carrying it around for days with no intention of actually delivering it. He had almost torn it up that morning after Zoe accused him of eating her yogurt.

He didn’t know if he needed to give it to her, but he was starting to feel like she needed to read it. 

Connor shoved it under her door before he could talk himself out of it, before he could lose the nerve.

He heard Zoe’s door open right as he closed his own, but he didn’t go back out in the hallway. He stood by the door and listened for her footsteps. They didn’t come. He wasn’t sure if he’d really expected to hear from her that quickly.

He sat at his desk and opened his laptop. He had an English essay due the next day that he needed to finish editing. It was a six-page paper on one of the books they’d been forced to read that summer. Most of his classmates had grumbled about the assignment, but Connor hadn’t minded it. 

It had been a lot easier to write the paper than it had been to write to Zoe. He knew he didn’t have to respond to her letter, that she didn’t expect him to, that no one - not even their mother - thought he would write back to her. 

He had kept it short and simple, but he knew Zoe was going to analyze it to death. That alone was almost enough to make the whole thing worthwhile.

 

_Dear Zoe,_

_I don’t hate you._

_Sincerely,  
Connor_


	8. Chapter 8

“Alex, turn that off and listen to your grandmother. She asked you to pick up your toys.”

“But, Mom-”

“No buts. Turn it off or I’m taking it.”

“Has anyone seen my yellow hoodie? I thought I left it on the couch.”

“Aliza, give Aunt Alicia her hoodie.”

“I don’t have her hoodie. Sally has it.”

“Alice, your daughter put my hoodie on the dog!”

“Aliza Mae!”

“Sally was cold!”

“I’m sorry, Alicia. I’ll wash it when I do our laundry tomorrow morning.”

“Ugh, forget it. I’ll throw it in the wash now. I need it for practice tonight.”

“Alicia, you cannot wash one thing by itself. Does anyone have anything to throw in?”

“I’ll throw it in with my lights.”

“Thanks, bro. That’s why you’re my favorite!”

“I’m everybody’s favorite.”

Alana stood in the kitchen doorway and shook her head as she watched the chaos unfolding around her. Her family had managed to hold everything in for less than a minute after Tracy, the last of Alana’s guests, left. Alana supposed that she should be grateful that they had managed to stay quiet as long as they had. 

Alana fought back a frown as she watched Tracy get into her car and drive off. She’d been hoping her friend would stay for dinner so they could rehash everything that had happened during the meeting. Tracy had thanked Alana for the invitation, but said she already had plans with John. Tracy had grinned when she’d said it. She’d had an actual dreamy grin on her face. Alana had forced her face to stay neutral as she encouraged Tracy to hurry up and go on her date. 

Alana looked up just in time to see her brother wiggle his eyebrows at her before disappearing down the stairs to the basement. Alana turned around and followed him back down the stairs. She could hear her mother requesting help with the salad, but she decided that someone else could be the assistant chef for a change. It had been nearly a month since she’d seen her brother and she knew this would be their only chance to catch up in private. 

 

The basement, aka Alana’s bedroom, was still set up for the homecoming committee meeting. Alana started picking up the fliers that her classmates had left behind while Alan sorted his clothes.

“So, my roommate… I told you about Earl, didn’t I?”

“The Cheeto junkie?”

“That’s the one,” Alan grinned. “You’d like him. He’s crazy intense when it comes to his résumé. It’s all he talks about some days. So, the other day he was-”

Alan’s voice cut off abruptly as he nodded at something behind Alana. She turned around to see Zoe Murphy standing outside the bathroom and looking around uncertainly.

“Zoe?” Alana tilted her head at her classmate.

“Uh, hi,” Zoe said, running a hand through her hair. “Sorry. Is Nicole upstairs? I thought she was going to wait for me down here, but…”

Alana shook her head. “Everyone left a minute ago. I thought you-”

“Yeah, I ran back down to use the bathroom first,” Zoe said. “Nicole was behind me and-”

Zoe’s phone started buzzing inside her bag. She quickly grabbed it and stepped to the side.

“Nicole? Where are you? … You had to get Mattie? … No, I get it, but you couldn’t have waited 30 seconds for me to get out of the bathroom? … No, no, it’s fine. I’ll figure something out. … Yeah, sure, see you tomorrow.”

Zoe let out an exasperated sigh and shoved her phone back in her bag. “Sorry. Nicole had to leave. Is there a bus stop near here? I need to go home.”

“I can take you,” Alana offered.

“What about dinner?” Alan reminded her. “Mom will kill you if you leave now.”

“You want to come with me? She won’t kill you. You are her favorite after all.”

“True, but I promised Alice I’d help the twins with their homework.”

“They’re giving kindergarteners homework now? That’s lame.” Alana’s tone was light, but she couldn’t help wondering why Alice hadn’t asked her to help the kids. Alan wasn’t the only scholar in the family after all.

Alan shrugged. “I’d do it later, but I need to get back to the dorm so I can finish my reading for tomorrow.”

“You mean you couldn’t get it done here? It’s so quiet you could hear a pin drop!”

“Lanie,” Alan shook his head. “I like what you’ve done down here. It looks good.”

“Thanks,” Alana grinned. Her eyes widened as she turned to face Zoe again. “So, Zoe-”

“Seriously, I’m fine. Just point me in the direction of the nearest bus stop.” 

“Are you sure?” Alana relented. “There’s one around the corner. I can take you there.”

The girls headed back up the stairs while Alan started putting his clothes in the washer. Alana forced a smile on her face as she ushered Zoe through the kitchen. Her mother and Alice were putting the finishing touches on their dinner while simultaneously shouting at Alice’s kids. Alicia was lounging on the couch and facetiming with her boyfriend. She pulled her feet down as Alana and Zoe passed by, but did not bother lowering her voice at all.

Alana’s father was halfway up the walk when the girls stepped outside. He ran a hand across his brow and smirked when he spotted his youngest. “Uh oh. You’re running away already? Should I even bother going inside?”

“Hi, Daddy,” Alana greeted him. “Zoe, this is my father. Dad, this is Zoe. She goes to school with me.”

“Hello, Zoe,” Mr. Beck beamed. “Are you staying for dinner?”

“I need to get home actually,” Zoe said. “Alana was just walking me to the bus stop.”

“Why don’t you take my car?” Mr. Beck suggested.

“But, dinner-”

“I just heard your sister tell Aliza to get the broom. Dinner won’t be ready for a while.” Mr. Beck handed Alana his keys. “Go on. I’ll tell your mother where you went.”

Alana didn’t need to be told twice. She grabbed the keys from her father and scurried over to the car before he could change his mind. She loved driving her father’s car. It was so much better than the clunker she shared with Alicia. 

“So, where do you live anyway?” Alana asked as she pulled out of the driveway. Zoe rattled off her address and started to give directions, but Alana cut in to say she knew the way.

“Your dad seems nice,” Zoe said politely.

“He is,” Alana agreed. “My dad and Alan are the only sane ones in my family.”

“Are you including yourself in that assessment?” Zoe wondered.

“I’m somewhere in the middle,” Alana decided. “Sorry about the craziness back there. My family’s a bit much when we all get together.”

“I didn’t know you had so many siblings. I mean, I know Alicia. We were in jazz band together last year.”

“Oh, yeah. She was really into that for a while.”

“What’s she up to now? Her Facebook posts are so vague I can’t tell what she’s been doing since she graduated.”

“Alicia’s, well,” Alana puffed her cheeks out while she debated how to explain her sister. “She’s taking some time off.”

“From what?”

“Life,” Alana replied sharply. “She’s working part-time at our uncle’s restaurant and she joined some kind of dance group. I don’t know. They rehearse a lot, but never seem to have any shows.”

“Oh,” Zoe said softly.

“Yeah, it’s pretty pathetic. I kept telling her she needed to take school more seriously or she wouldn’t get into college, but she didn’t listen. She refused to listen to anything I said about doing volunteer work or interning or anything. She’s almost as bad as Alice, honestly.”

“Alice is-”

“The oldest,” Alana filled in. “She’s 22. She’s the mother of the twin terrors you saw running around. They just moved back in with us since she finally decided to leave the twins’ father.”

Alana swallowed and cleared her throat as she pulled up to a red light. She was starting to feel like she was oversharing, but didn’t really care enough to stop. 

“That’s why I live in the basement now. I had to give up my room for them.”

“Oh… I’m sorry,” Zoe said tentatively.

“Yeah, well,” Alana shrugged. “So, you have plans tonight?”

“Plans?”

“You sounded pretty definite back there when you told my father you needed to get home.”

“Oh, yeah,” Zoe said. “My parents are going out tonight, so I, um, I need to be home.”

“To keep an eye on Connor,” Alana nodded knowingly.

Zoe’s head spun to the side so quickly that Alana was surprised she didn’t hear something snap. “What?”

“Connor and I have three classes together this year. I’ve noticed that you seem to be herding him into them every day,” Alana explained. “I figured your parents must be making you keep an eye on him after his problems last year.”

Zoe frowned in a way that made it clear that she didn’t think her actions were that obvious.

“If it makes you feel any better, I don’t think anyone else has really noticed,” Alana said consolingly. “I always make it a point to pay attention to what’s going on around me.”

Zoe’s mouth twisted to the side and she turned to stare out the window.

“I’m glad this came up actually,” Alana continued. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about it. Connor and I have three classes together, like I said. If you want, I can pitch in and make sure he attends them.”

“Wait, what?” Zoe’s eyes narrowed as she turned to face Alana again.

“I know it can’t be easy, what you’re doing. I’d imagine you’re having a hard time making it to your own classes on time. I’m just saying, I’d be happy to help if I can. It’s the least I can do for one of my acquaintances in his hour of need.”

“That’s-”

“Nice of me, I know,” Alana beamed.

“Unnecessary, I was going to say,” Zoe retorted. “This is a private matter, Alana. It’s not-”

“Oh, I understand completely. I can be very discreet.”

“I’m sure you can, but that’s not the point.”

“Think about it and let me know. I can make sure he attends English, Environmental Science, and Trigonometry.” Alana pulled over to the side of the road and put the car in park. “Is that your house?”

Zoe stared at her for a beat before nodding. “Thanks for the ride.”

“Anytime,” Alana chirped. 

Alana waited until Zoe was safely inside the house before heading back out. She knew she should go straight home, that she could be there in a matter of minutes, but she also knew that her parents had no idea where Zoe lived. It would be so easy to lie and say that the drive took her longer than she’d expected.

And, really, it wasn’t like anyone would notice she wasn’t there. Despite what her father had said, Alana knew that her family had sat down to eat as soon as he walked through the door. The twins associated their grandfather with dinnertime and there would be no ignoring them once they started begging for food.

Alana debated whether it was necessary to text Alan and ask him to save her a plate. She decided she trusted her brother’s ability to think of that on his own. If he hadn’t been there, she would have needed to swing by a drive-thru on her way home.

Alana flicked on her turn signal and went right instead of left. She didn’t know where she was going, but the thought of having a half hour to herself was proving to be too tempting to resist.


	9. Chapter 9

Lunchtime had been difficult for Evan for as long as he could remember. The fact that he had chosen science as his favorite subject in elementary school had been one of his first clues that he wasn’t like the other kids. Jared had laughed for a solid minute when he realized that Evan had written down science instead of lunch, gym, or recess. 

Things only got worse as Evan grew older. In elementary school, each class was assigned a specific row of tables. The number of chairs at the tables corresponded with the number of students in the class. It didn’t take Evan long to realize that he could hang back and take whatever seat was free after his classmates had all sat down.

Middle school had been torture. The cafeteria was loud and crowded and the social politics changed so quickly that he never knew what was going on. He usually sat at Jared’s table, if there was an empty spot, or he spent his lunch period roaming around the room, claiming he was looking for a trashcan whenever he was stopped by a teacher.

At first, high school had felt like middle school on speed. The cafeteria was bigger, louder, and smellier. Jared didn’t have lunch at the same time as Evan, so clinging to his one and only family friend was not an option. It was all so overwhelming that Evan had ended up hiding in the bathroom every day.

It took Evan nearly a month to realize that no one was keeping tabs on the students eating lunch. There were teachers monitoring the room and stepping in when tensions started to rise, but no one was taking roll call. No one would notice if he didn’t go to the cafeteria.

And, so, Evan didn’t. 

Before he started the twelfth grade, Evan spent most of his lunch periods in the library. The librarian was a kind, middle-aged woman who would always ask to see his schedule once at the beginning of the year. After that, she never questioned him when he showed up at lunchtime. She even told him he could eat his lunch there as long as he didn’t make a mess and cleaned up after himself. 

Eating lunch in the library had been tolerable for Evan. There were days where he actually enjoyed it. Jared teased him about it, but started joining him occasionally when their schedules permitted it. Jared always claimed that he was only eating with Evan because of his parents, but Evan sometimes got the impression that Jared wasn’t a fan of the cafeteria either.

Seniors were allowed to leave the grounds during lunch, but Evan never felt the need to venture that far. He didn’t have a car, for one thing. He couldn’t think of anywhere to go, for another. Evan decided he was content just to be able to go outside for some fresh air and sunshine.

It had taken him the entire lunch period on his first day back to find a spot he liked. He had walked by The Emily O’Connell Memorial Garden countless times since starting high school, but had never really paid attention to it.

It was a small garden next to the administrative offices. There were two trees, a patch of flowers, and a bench with a plaque with the words “Emily Anne O’Connell – March 23, 1984-May 11, 2002” on it.

The garden had two big selling points for Evan. It was secluded enough that he didn’t feel like he was in a fishbowl when he ate there, yet its proximity to the principal’s office ensured that he was one of the few students who would feel comfortable frequenting the spot. It was the only place on campus where he actually felt comfortable.

 

It was sprinkling when Evan made his way outside on the third Monday of the school year. The threat of rain seemed to be enough to scare his fellow seniors away from the grounds, but it didn’t bother Evan. He simply pulled his hood up and kept his head down. It would take more than a light drizzle to force him back inside.

He touched Emily’s plaque like he did every day before sitting down. He didn’t know if it was due to the gloominess of the day or the fact that he needed a distraction, but he was suddenly overwhelmed by the need to know more about Emily O’Connell. How had she died? What was she like? Would she have been okay with having a school garden dedicated to her? Evan knew he would have haunted anyone who dared to memorialize him at school. 

A quick Google search provided him with some insight into what had happened to her. Emily was killed by a drunk driver a few weeks before she was supposed to graduate. She was driving home after a lacrosse game when the driver went through a red light and knocked her car into a ditch. She spent two weeks in a coma before passing away. 

Her senior portrait was displayed at the top of every article Evan clicked on. She was beautiful, that much was indisputable. She had long blonde hair and blue eyes that were so bright he wondered if she was wearing colored contacts. 

The articles all mentioned that she had been on the homecoming court and was considered a frontrunner for class valedictorian. There were quotes from her classmates scattered throughout the articles. They all talked about her loving spirit, her amazing generosity, and her wicked sense of humor.

Evan closed the tabs when he realized he was trying to read between the lines. It didn’t seem right to try to figure out whether “wicked sense of humor” was code word for resident mean girl.

The only thing that seemed clear to Evan was that Emily O’Connell would not have minded the fact that her parents had dedicated the garden to her. He had a sinking feeling that she would have hated the idea of someone like him sitting in it though. 

Evan put down his phone and started digging through his backpack. He was hungry, but he didn’t have anything to eat. His mother hadn’t had time to go shopping all week, so he hadn’t been able to pack a lunch that morning. He usually grabbed something from the vending machine by the faculty lounge when that happened, but it was out of order.

Evan’s hand shot up triumphantly when it landed on a granola bar in the bottom of his bag. The bar was squashed and slightly melted, but it was a huge improvement on the piece of gum that he had thought he would be calling lunch.

He had just inhaled a bite when his phone buzzed. He looked down to see a text from his mother informing him that she wasn’t going to be home for dinner. She told him that she had left take-out menus and cash on the counter for him. He grabbed his phone and quickly replied that that was fine. She responded with a line of smiley faces. 

Evan dropped his phone back on his lap and stretched out his legs. He’d actually been looking forward to having dinner with his mother. She’d been working late all week, so their paths had only been crossing in the morning. She had promised to pick up some real food on her way home that day. The idea of finding something other than cereal in the kitchen had been very appealing. His nose scrunched up while he tried and failed to make himself excited about the prospect of eating Cheerios for dinner.

The bell rang, signaling the end of lunch. Evan swung his bag onto his shoulder and started walking back toward the building. He stared at his feet while he walked. The rain was getting steadier by the second and it was taking all his energy to focus on avoiding mud puddles.

The wind changed direction and Evan breathed in a waft of cigarette smoke. His heart began to pound as he briefly considered finding another entrance. There weren’t many students who dared to smoke on the school grounds. Evan didn’t need to see who the culprit was to know that it was someone he should avoid.

The skies chose that moment to open up completely. Evan swallowed his fear and ran for the door before he got drenched. 

Connor Murphy was standing under the awning, stomping on the cigarette butt he’d thrown on the ground. Evan’s head dropped down even further as he hurried past Connor. The prickling sensation spreading through his body was so severe that it took him a moment to realize that Connor had opened the door and followed him inside. 

“So,” Connor started. His eyes were as narrow as Evan’s were wide. “How’d you break your arm?”

The hallway was jammed with students rushing around, talking to their friends, slamming their lockers shut. Evan blinked at his surroundings. The second bell was going to ring any second. He knew he had to rush if he was going to make it to Environmental Science on time. 

“Wh-what? I, um, I have to get to class,” Evan stammered. He kept walking. He hoped that Connor would take the hint and leave him alone, but then he realized that they were in the same science class. They sat at the same table. There would be no escaping him, not unless Connor was going to skip. And, judging from the fact that Evan could see Zoe Murphy maneuvering her way through the crowd, he had a feeling that wasn’t about to happen.

“Hey,” Connor stepped in front of Evan, effectively stopping him in his tracks. “I asked you a question.”

“I-” Evan looked past Connor. Zoe was getting closer. Part of him was desperate for her to save him from her brother. Part of him just wanted to avoid a scene. Evan ran a hand through his hair and blinked again. 

The whole thing felt surreal. This was the second time that day that Connor had spoken to him. Connor had asked about his cast right as the bell rang at the end of English. Evan had pretended not to hear him and had managed to slip out the door without having to respond. He didn’t understand why Connor was suddenly so interested in his arm. It made him feel like there was something sinister at work. 

Evan exhaled deeply and shifted his weight from foot to foot. “I fell out of a tree.”

Connor stared at him for a moment. A barking laugh escaped from his mouth and he stepped to the side to let Evan pass. “That’s the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.”

“Yeah, well, it’s the truth,” Evan let out an awkward chuckle and shrugged his shoulders. He continued walking down the hall. He was only mildly surprised when he realized that Connor was still walking next to him.

“What were you doing in the tree in the first place?” Connor wondered.

Evan chewed his lip while he debated how to answer that question. He was spared from having to choke out a reply by Zoe’s arrival.

“Is he bothering you?”

Evan started when he realized that Zoe was staring right at him. He could feel his face heating up as she scrutinized him. “I, um-”

“Connor,” Zoe said warningly. “You can’t-”

“God, Zoe, why-”

“-go around harassing-”

“-do you always think I’m fucking-”

“-people. Can’t you see you’re terrifying-”

“-with everyone. I was just-”

“-him? Why are you-”

“-talking-”

“He wasn’t bothering me.”

Evan’s eyes shot open as the Murphy siblings turned to face him. He hadn’t meant to say anything. Their argument had made him feel dizzy and the words had slipped out accidentally. 

“I mean, he was bothering me, kind of, but not really. It’s fine. I’m fine,” Evan quickly clarified.

Connor gave his sister a triumphant look as the second bell rang.

“Shit,” Zoe mumbled. “I’m late for gym. Coach Gregory’s going to make me run an extra lap. Connor, don’t skip, um-”

“Environmental Science,” Connor filled in. “Evan can make sure I don’t get lost walking down the hall.”

Zoe’s eyes narrowed as she looked between the two of them. “Evan can… You know what, fine. I don’t have time for this.”

She turned to go, but doubled back at the last moment. “Evan, let me know if he does anything to you. I’ll kick his butt if he does.”

And then she was gone. Evan’s eyes followed her until she rounded the corner and took off in the direction of the locker rooms. His heart was still pounding. He contemplated whether or not he could count that as a successful social interaction with Zoe. He was fairly certain that he could not.

 

Connor and Evan were the last ones in their class to arrive. Evan was relieved to see that their teacher, Ms. Thomas, was still trying to set up her PowerPoint presentation and did not seem to be paying attention to the class. Jared’s eyebrows shot up as they took their seats and he mouthed the words ‘what the hell’ at Evan. 

Evan merely shrugged and pulled out his laptop. He could feel Jared’s eyes on him. That wasn’t a surprise. It was a bit unnerving when he looked up and saw that Alana Beck was very pointedly observing him though.

The class flew by in what felt to Evan like a matter of minutes. He took notes and listened as his classmates got into a lively debate about deforestation. He didn’t join in. He never joined in. Whenever he got a class syllabus, he always mentally deducted whatever percentage went towards class participation and figured out the highest grade he could get. 

He was tempted to correct Alana when she rattled off a series of false facts at one point, but satisfied his urge by typing out the right information. Ms. Thomas modified Alana’s statements as soon as she was done speaking. Evan couldn’t help feeling smug as he watched his classmates frantically edit their notes. He caught Connor’s eye and was surprised to see that the other boy looked nearly as amused as he felt. 

Ms. Thomas dismissed them before the bell rang. Evan had a feeling their teacher wanted a minute of quiet before her next class. Alana and her friend Tracy were still arguing about the effects of global warming as they exited the room.

Evan fetched his sketchbook from his locker and set off towards art class. They were learning how to draw action poses. Mr. Nelson announced that they would be spending the period in the gymnasium, sketching one of the P.E. classes. 

The class filed into the gym and claimed spots on the bleachers. Evan wanted to go all the up to the top so that he could be alone, but Mr. Nelson ordered them to the stay in the first three rows.

Evan opened his pad to a blank page and watched the students playing basketball. He could hear laughter all around him as his classmates debated who to draw. Some of the players were hamming it up, running by the bleachers and flexing their muscles. Others were very clearly trying to stay as far away from the art class as they could manage.

Evan decided to focus on Coach Gregory. The gym teacher felt like the safest choice. Evan picked up his pencil and started sketching the coach as he ran up and down the court.

The fire alarm went off just as Evan was finishing his first drawing. Coach Gregory blew his whistle and shouted for his students to line up. Mr. Nelson motioned for his class to follow him.

It was still drizzling when they made their way outside. Mr. Nelson had them line up by the curb before turning to talk to the other teachers that were gathered there.

Evan stared at his feet while conversations broke out all around him. Several of his classmates whipped out their sketchbooks and showed their drawings to the history class that was standing next to them.

Five minutes turned into ten, ten minutes turned into fifteen. Teachers and students alike were looking around uncertainly. Evan couldn’t remember a fire drill ever taking this long. 

Mr. Nelson finally broke away from the pack of teachers and returned to his class.

“We’re still waiting for the official word, but it seems there was a small fire in the kitchen,” Mr. Nelson said. “From the sounds of it, we’re looking at an early dismissal today.”

Cheers erupted from every class in the area as the students were all updated on what was happening. Evan knew he should be happy, but he only had one more class that day and he didn’t mind Calculus. He actually enjoyed working out complicated math problems. He could do them independently and they almost always made sense to him.

The announcement came over the loudspeaker less than two minutes after Mr. Nelson addressed them. The teachers led their students into the building to gather their belongings. There was a lot of chaos and excitement in the hallways as students ran all over the place. Evan quickly shoved his things into his backpack and hurried back outside. 

 

The buses weren’t there yet. Evan had a sinking feeling in his gut when he realized that he’d most likely be stuck at school for another hour. He hoped that wasn’t going to be the case, but decided to find a place to sit while he waited.

The stairs outside the building were already filled with students waiting for their rides. So were the picnic tables, stone walls, and bleachers. Evan could even see several students sitting in the memorial garden.

There were clusters of students standing under most of the trees by the entrance, but Evan managed to find a vacant one. He leaned against it and pulled out his phone to text his mom what was happening. He didn’t know why he was bothering to keep her in the loop. It wasn’t like it would make a difference in how her day was going.

He dropped his phone into his pocket without waiting for a reply. He didn’t expect to get one. He knew she wouldn’t have an official break for another hour or so.

He heard leaves crunching nearby and looked up to see Connor approaching him. Evan glanced around quickly and cursed his decision to choose the furthest tree he could find. 

“Shouldn’t you be avoiding trees?” Connor asked, gesturing at Evan’s cast. His tone was strangely calm, almost conversational. 

“Uh-um-” Evan stuttered. His eyes were blinking rapidly and he didn’t think his mouth had ever felt this dry. The last time they had been alone like this, Connor had threatened him and thrown his YANA log at his head. He realized that Connor had been relatively polite when they’d talked earlier, but there had been witnesses then. Evan was suddenly very aware of how far he had roamed from the other students.

It occurred to Evan that Connor could be high. That would explain any sudden mood swings that he might have, wouldn’t it? Evan gazed at Connor while he tried to remember what marijuana did to someone’s pupils. Did it make them bigger or smaller? He couldn’t remember. His heart felt like it was going to explode in his chest when he realized that he was staring at Connor’s face. He dropped his gaze and slumped back against the tree. He was sure that his face was either deep red or chalk white.

“Would you relax?” Connor frowned. “If I wanted to kill you, I would’ve done it by now.”

Evan didn’t say anything. He continued to stare at his shoes like they were the most fascinating things he’d ever seen.

“That was a joke,” Connor snapped. “I’ve been known to tell a fucking joke from time to time.”

Evan looked up and was surprised to see that there was something very defensive about Connor’s tone and expression. “Sorry, I just… I-”

“You’re scared of me,” Connor said it so plainly that Evan felt guilty.

“No, I mean, yes, I mean-” Evan took a breath before continuing. “You… The computer lab-”

Connor flinched at his words. “I was out of line that day.”

Evan couldn’t mask the surprise on his face. “No, well, yeah, but-”

“I shouldn’t have said those things to you,” Connor told him.

Evan nodded. “I was thinking about it and I should’ve explained. You-you caught me off-guard, so I…” He swallowed and cleared his throat. “I wasn’t hacking into that site. I use it. I would never-I would never expose anyone like that. Like you thought I would.”

Connor stared at him for a moment. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

Connor shrugged. “I believe you.”

Evan opened his mouth to speak, but changed his mind. He’d given their conversation in the computer lab more thought than he liked to admit. He’d come to the conclusion that Connor must be using the site too. That was the best way to explain how Connor had known what his log was. Somehow, Evan didn’t think it was wise to bring that up though.

“No one’s signed your cast,” Connor observed.

Evan looked down at his arm. He didn’t know why. It wasn’t like he had to verify the fact that there weren’t any signatures on it.

“No, they haven’t,” Evan said quietly. He’d given up on the idea of having people sign it by the end of the first week of school. His mother still looked disappointed whenever she glanced at it. Evan had decided to stop caring. He would be getting it removed soon enough. Who cared if he hadn’t collected any signatures?

“I’ll sign it,” Connor offered.

“Oh, um, you don’t have to,” Evan assured him.

“Do you have a Sharpie?”

Evan nodded numbly and pulled one out of his bag. It was still in its original packaging.

Connor tore it open and grabbed Evan’s arm to write on it. Evan stared up at the leaves above him until he heard Connor put the cap back on. He looked down and saw that Connor’s name was covering the entire cast.

“Oh,” Evan chuckled nervously. “That’s different.”

“Yeah, well,” Connor shrugged. “It’d look weird if you just had one small name on it.”

“I guess,” Evan nodded, even though he wasn’t quite sure he understood that logic.

“Besides, now we can both pretend we have friends. There’s no way anyone’s going to miss that.”

Evan’s eyes dropped down as he nodded again. He could feel Connor studying him.

“Except, I guess you already have a friend,” Connor continued. 

Evan squinted at him in confusion. “I-”

“Kleinman,” Connor said. “He’s your friend, right?”

“Family friend,” Evan confirmed. 

“Family friend,” Connor repeated. “The hell does that mean?”

“It means we’re not really friends,” Evan said stiffly.

A look crossed Connor’s face that Evan couldn’t decipher. Evan twisted a loose thread on his shirt around his finger. He could hear shouts in the distance and craned his neck to watch as the buses approached.

“I should go,” Evan said, nodding at the students swarming the buses. He started to walk away, but something about his conversation with Connor felt unfinished. He turned to face Connor again. “I’ll-I’ll see you tomorrow?”

It came out like a question. Evan wanted to cringe at how unsure of himself he sounded. His mother was right. How was he ever going to function out in the real world when he couldn’t even carry on a simple conversation with a peer? 

“Yeah,” Connor nodded. “See you tomorrow.”

Evan nodded once more, gripped his bag tighter, and strode across the lawn to find his bus.


	10. Chapter 10

**Tuesday, September 12, 2017 5:12 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

I think I owe you an apology. I didn’t mean to scare you or worry you or whatever my lack of response has done to you.

Going back to school was harder than I’d expected. For a lot of reasons. I don’t think I’m ready to get into them yet. 

I’m still here though. And I’m back. I’m not going to shut you out again.

I’ll understand if you don’t want anything to do with me now, but I’m here if you want to talk.

**Sincerely,  
L**

 

Connor hit send before he could change his mind. It would be so easy to walk away from this, to stop writing these messages. He knew Dr. Miller would notice eventually and that his parents would be called. His mother would fuss and his father would yell, but what else was new? There wouldn’t be any real consequences if he stopped using YANA.

It was different now that he knew the identity of his pen pal. It was more personal in a way, but he also knew it was going to be hard for him to be as open as he had been over the summer.

He didn’t regret confirming E’s identity though. It had bothered him for two weeks before he finally decided to do something about it. Whatever doubt he’d had was gone now. Evan Hansen was E. Connor was certain of that fact. Evan had a friend who wasn’t really a friend. A friend with the first initial J. He ate lunch in a memorial garden. He had broken his arm after falling out of a tree. He liked trees. He knew a lot about them. Connor had caught a glimpse of Evan’s Environmental Science notes the day before. Connor expected that he was going to end up barely passing the class, but it looked like Evan could give Ms. Thomas a run for her money. 

Connor wondered if Dr. Miller realized that his pen pal went to school with him. It seemed like a strange arrangement when he thought about it. He would have thought that the people pulling the strings at YANA would take care not to do something like that.

He had to admit that it was kind of fitting that his pen pal was the only person in school who was as big a misfit as he was though.

Connor kept wondering what would happen if he told Evan what he’d figured out. He couldn’t imagine that it would go over well. Evan would stare at him and blink and stutter and flee. They wouldn’t talk again. Not on YANA, not in person.

Connor couldn’t lose this, any of it. He liked their letters. He liked that there was someone out there who listened to him, who responded to him without always assuming the worst. He also liked the fact that he actually had someone to talk to at school now. Evan hadn’t looked like he was going to have a heart attack when Connor had spoken to him that morning. They’d managed to have several brief conversations throughout the day about topics ranging from the kitchen fire to their English essays to the sophomore who decided to serenade his girlfriend during the morning announcements.

So, no, Connor couldn’t lose this. He couldn’t tell Evan the truth. He’d have to find a way to keep his friendship with E separate from his conversations with Evan. It was going to be weird and messy and complicated, but he’d figure it out somehow. 

 

Connor sighed and closed his laptop. His ears perked up as he listened to the sounds above him. His parents were getting ready to go to a function of some kind. He could hear his mother talking to Zoe on the phone. Apparently, band practice had run late and his sister wasn’t sure she’d make it home before they left. Connor could hear the panic in his mother’s voice as she scolded Zoe for losing track of time.

Connor grabbed the TV remote and idly flipped through the channels. There was nothing good on. He finally landed on a random sitcom he’d never seen before. He stretched out on the couch and stared blankly at the screen.

Footsteps sounded on the stairs. Connor looked up to see his father step into the room.

“Did you finish your homework?” Larry demanded. His eyes flickered toward the screen in a way that made it clear he was skeptical about his son’s choices.

“Yeah,” Connor mumbled. He turned back to the TV and let out an excessively loud laugh at the corny joke that was making the studio audience guffaw. 

“Are you sure?” Larry asked. He crossed the room and positioned himself between Connor and the TV. “Don’t you have some reading you could be doing? Have you started your college essays?”

His meaning was clear. Wasn’t there a more productive way that Connor could be spending his time?

Connor wanted to snap that at least he wasn’t high, but he didn’t feel like getting into that argument again.

“Are you ready?” Cynthia appeared in the doorway and looked at the two of them. “Zoe should be home any minute. I told her we can’t wait any longer. We’re already so late as it is.”

Larry nodded and stepped out in the hallway to wait while Cynthia went to speak to Connor.

“I left some cash by the stove,” Cynthia told him. “Zoe’s going to order Chinese for you. Sweet and sour chicken, your favorite. We’ll be home by eleven. Zoe’s on her way. She’ll be here any second, so don’t-”

Connor looked up in alarm as his mother’s voice got caught in her throat. She shook her head. “Sorry, sweetie. You’ll be fine until she gets here, won’t you?”

Connor knew he should be insulted that she was treating him like a kid. And he was, at least part of him was. He hated seeing his mother look at him like that though, like she thought he was going to slit his wrists the second he was left home alone.

He nodded and reached for the remote. The shrill, forced laughter was starting to get to him. He found a nature program about some kind of weird Australian fish and settled back to watch it. He had a feeling it would give him plenty of material for his next letter to E.

To Evan.

It still felt weird to look at it that way.

His mother swooped down to kiss his forehead before leaving. He looked out the window to watch his parents go. They were whispering to each other as they walked to the car. He didn’t think he wanted to know what they were saying.

 

The program turned out to be more interesting than he had expected. He could almost understand why E – Evan – was always telling him to watch shows like this. 

The narrator was going on about the fish’s mating habits when Zoe came bursting through the door. Connor glanced up long enough to see that she looked like she’d run all the way home. Her ponytail was a mess with loose strands popping out all over the place. She was juggling her backpack and her guitar case in a way that made it obvious she had scooped them up in a hurry. She cursed when she dropped her car keys under the table by the door. She put the guitar down carefully, but threw her backpack on the ground before squatting down to look for the keys.

Connor kept his eyes glued to the TV and pretended not to notice when she bumped her head on the table.

“So,” Zoe said when she finally emerged rubbing her head and clutching her keys. She tossed them in her bag and came over to sit next to Connor. He could practically feel the sense of relief emanating off of her. He couldn’t help thinking about what she’d expected to find when she came home. He had a feeling her mind had gone straight to the same place as their mother’s.

He raised an eyebrow and waited for her to continue.

“So,” Zoe tried again. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and stretched out her legs. “You don’t hate me?”

It was the first time she had mentioned his letter. Connor frowned slightly until he realized it was also the first time they’d been alone in a week. Zoe had stayed with him the week before while their parents attended a dinner, but she’d spent the whole night cooped up in her room studying for a French quiz. She’d actually forgotten to check on him two times that evening. 

“Not at the moment, no,” Connor replied. He could see her watching him out of the corner of his eye, but he refused to look away from the TV.

“Okay,” Zoe nodded. Her face scrunched up as she looked at the screen. “What’re you watching?”

“Some fish program,” Connor shrugged.

“A real-life SpongeBob?” Zoe’s face lit up at the idea.

“Not really,” Connor said. “It’s…”

They both recoiled in disgust as the scene changed to show the fish eating a shark.

“That was gross,” Zoe said when it was over.

“Yeah,” Connor concurred.

“Are you hungry?” Zoe wondered. “I mean, maybe not right now, not after that, but we can order Chinese later if you want.”

Connor looked at her curiously. “I’ve been meaning to ask, are Mom and Dad paying you to babysit me?” 

“What?”

“It’s fine,” Connor assured her. “I was just wondering. They really should be if they’re not.”

“They’re not,” Zoe said, looking down.

“I can trash your room if you’d like,” Connor offered. He tapped his chin while he tried to think of other possibilities. “Or, I don’t know, eat your homework or-”

“Eat my homework?” Zoe laughed. “That would be a new one. Sorry, Mrs. Jensen, I don’t have my paper on _Jane Eyre_ because my crazy brother decided to eat it.”

Zoe’s laughter cut short when she realized she’d used the word “crazy.” Connor could tell she was about to apologize, so he quickly cut in, “I’m just saying I can give you some leverage if you want. Something that will make it clear to Mom and Dad that they should be paying you for your services.”

“They don’t need to pay me,” Zoe maintained.

“You should be getting something out of this,” Connor insisted. “Did you ask Ms. Schneider if it can count towards your service learning requirement?”

“It’s not-”

“Or you could use it for your admissions essays next year. How babysitting my crazy big brother changed my life. I bet colleges love crap like that.”

“Connor-”

“Mom and Dad should at least get you a new guitar or something.”

“My guitar’s fine. I don’t need anything. I’m here because I want to be. Because it’s-”

“Because it’s the right thing to do,” Connor filled in.

Zoe cringed and twisted her hands in her lap. “I shouldn’t have said that in my letter. I shouldn’t have said I cut you down because it was the right thing to do. I mean, it was, but that wasn’t the only reason I did it. You know that, right? You would’ve done the same if it had been the other way around. At least, I hope you would have. We’re family.”

Connor scoffed at her words and slumped down in his seat.

“We are,” Zoe hissed. “I’m trying to help you.”

“How? By spying on me for Mom and Dad? By babysitting me when they go out? By stalking me at school and dragging me to class?”

“Yeah, well, about that,” Zoe sighed. “I don’t think you’ll have to worry about the class thing any longer. Mom got a call today. I’ve been written up, like, twelve times now for being late.”

“Only twelve?” Connor couldn’t help but laugh at the idea.

“I was able to talk my way out of some of them,” Zoe grinned. “I can be very persuasive when I want to be.”

“What does that mean?” Connor demanded.

Zoe bit her lip and shook her head. “And I haven’t been spying on you.”

Connor narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms across his chest.

“I haven’t!” Zoe exclaimed. “Didn’t you wonder why Dad extended my sentence?”

“He did?”

“Why did you think Nicole was still driving us to school last week?” Zoe rolled her eyes. “Dad claimed that I was showing a serious lack of responsibility because I refused to answer their questions about how you were doing in school.”

Connor drummed his hand on his knee. He didn’t know what to make of that information.

“Look,” Zoe continued. “I’m not saying I’ll never tell Mom and Dad anything. If I see something that I find really concerning, then, yeah, I’m going to tell. But, I’m not their spy.”

Connor stared at her for a beat. She looked so earnest that it was easy for him to believe that she was telling the truth. He wanted to believe her. It would make his life simpler if she was being truthful.

It took him a moment to realize that she hadn’t disputed the babysitting accusation, but he supposed there was no way to deny that one. He didn’t think he cared enough to bring it up again.

“So, Chinese?” 

“Okay,” Zoe nodded. “You want your usual?”

Connor nodded and watched as she stood up to get her phone. 

It felt strange talking to Zoe like this. They’d talked more in the last three months than they had in the last three years, but their previous conversations had never been this civil. Connor couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt like they might actually be on the same side.

They’d never been close, not even as kids. Zoe had never idolized her big brother. Connor had never protected his little sister. They’d never had joint birthday parties or shared friends. Connor hadn’t even had a birthday party since elementary school, back when it was mandatory to invite everyone in his class. He’d refused to give his mother a list of people to ask after that, so he’d simply stopped celebrating. He was still forced to attend Zoe’s parties though until she turned thirteen and begged their mother to stop making him come.

Her letter had hit home for him when she said that the last positive memory she had of him was over five years old. The truth of the matter was that it was a two-way street. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d actually enjoyed spending time with his sister.

Zoe flopped back on the couch and announced that their dinner was on its way. She unceremoniously grabbed the remote and scrolled through the channel guide. 

Connor opened his mouth to argue, to claim that he was still watching the fish show, but he decided it wasn’t worth it. The narrator had started talking about underwater vegetation. Somehow, that just wasn’t as interesting as learning about a weird, shark-eating fish. 

Zoe’s grin was contagious when she found an episode of SpongeBob SquarePants. She put the remote between her legs to ensure that it stayed under her control, but Connor knew it really wasn’t necessary for her to do that. He had no intention of changing the channel.

Their food came and they ate it in front of the TV. They didn’t talk much, but they weren’t drowning in the stiff, uncomfortable silence they usually landed in when left alone. Zoe disappeared at one point and returned with a tray containing a bag of popcorn, two bowls of ice cream, and an assortment of cookies. 

Connor bit back a comment about how their mother was going to kill her for having so much food in the living room. Zoe was a big girl. She was smart enough to understand the consequences of her actions. And, besides, there was still a part of Connor that was looking forward to seeing his parents’ reactions when they saw the state of their living room. 

Zoe eventually moved to the other end of the sofa and stretched out with her ice cream and her copy of _Jane Eyre_. She didn’t seem to have any plans to clean up the mess they’d made and Connor was feeling too lazy to suggest they put everything away before their parents returned. 

 

He heard their parents’ car pull into in the driveway at eleven o’clock on the dot. He looked around the room and smirked at the array of bags and containers on the floor. Zoe had been dozing on and off for the last hour. She bolted up at the sound of their parents’ key in the door and blinked around at her surroundings while she struggled to wake up.

Their mother came in first. Her jaw dropped as she looked around at the mess her children had made. Her eyes zeroed in on Zoe, but their father’s laughter distracted her before she could speak.

“Finally!” Larry exclaimed as he stepped into the living room. “Real food.”

He grabbed an egg roll off the table and took a big bite. “Is that sweet and sour chicken?” He pointed to one of the containers by Connor’s feet. “Is there any left?”

Connor handed over his leftovers and watched in amazement as their father devoured them.

“I still have some vegetable fried rice.” Zoe waved a carton at their mother.

Cynthia smiled and shook her head. “I shouldn’t.”

“You can cook us all a pound of plain, unseasoned tofu tomorrow,” Larry said with his mouth full. 

“With extra kale and organic carrots,” Zoe added.

“Don’t give her any ideas.” Connor winced at the thought.

Cynthia’s smile widened as she turned to face her son. “Well, if you insist…”

Zoe stood up and dropped the carton into their mother’s hand. Cynthia practically moaned with delight as she took a bite. “Oh, this is so much better than that… I don’t even know what they were serving tonight.”

“It was green and looked something someone sneezed into a tissue,” Larry clarified.

“That bad?” Zoe laughed.

“Let’s just say we would’ve had a much better time at home,” Cynthia said diplomatically. She glanced from Connor to Zoe and back again. “It looks like you had a good night.”

Zoe bit her lip and looked down. Connor knew his sister’s answer wasn’t the one that mattered though. Their mother was looking at him so hopefully, so anxiously that he felt like his stomach had dropped to his feet.

“Cynthia-” Larry began.

“It was a good night,” Connor confirmed quietly.

Zoe’s head shot up and she smiled when he caught her eye. “Yeah, it was.”

Cynthia sighed and looked around the room again. “It’s getting late. You two should go to bed.”

“But-” Zoe started, gesturing at the mess.

“Oh, go on,” Cynthia insisted. “I’ll clean this up. Larry, go get a sponge for the table. It looks like there’s ice cream and soy sauce all over it.” She frowned as she studied the floor. “And the carpet sweeper too. We’re going to need that.”

Larry lifted his hand to salute her and set off to find the cleaning supplies. 

“Are you sure you don’t want me to help?” Zoe yawned.

“No, no,” Cynthia shook her head. “You look like you’re going to keel over any second now. Go get your beauty sleep.”

Zoe nodded. “Night, Mom.” She hesitated for a moment. “Night, Connor.”

“Night,” Connor parroted. He turned to follow her out, but their mother stopped him with a hand to his arm.

“Did Zoe tell you she has detention for the rest of the week?” Cynthia asked as she bent down to pick up the take-out containers. “I know you won’t to want to hang around until she’s out, so I made a few calls and I can pick you up Thursday and Friday. I have book club tomorrow afternoon, so I won’t be able to get you then. I was talking to Aunt Jamie earlier and she mentioned that you’re supposed to help her tomorrow. Do you think you can take the bus there? One of her co-workers has a dentist appointment, so she’s not sure what time she’ll be able to take her break.”

Cynthia straightened herself up when she finished speaking. Her lips were pursed together and her head was slightly tilted as she watched him. The expression on her face was nearly as apprehensive as her tone had been. Connor was suddenly vividly reminded of what Zoe had said in her letter about needing to tiptoe around the house.

“That’s fine,” Connor shrugged. He forced his voice to stay as calm as possible.

“Good,” Cynthia nodded. 

Connor looked down as she continued to stare at him. He knew that look. He knew what it meant. She wanted to talk and she wasn’t going to be happy until she felt like she’d connected with him. He was slowly, but surely realizing just how much it was eating at her that she felt like she kept striking out.

“Aunt Jamie said you’ve become a real asset at the library,” Cynthia said brightly. “She said you revolutionized the filing system there.” 

That was an exaggeration. Connor was fairly certain they both knew that. She seemed so pleased with the idea though that he didn’t bother correcting her.

“She also said she’s liked getting to spend so much time with you. That-that you’ve really gotten the chance to talk a lot.” Cynthia shut her eyes and took a breath. 

Connor wondered exactly what his aunt had told his mother. He didn’t think that Aunt Jamie would give away any specifics about their conversations. There really wasn’t anything incriminating that she could tell his mother anyway. She had been the one spilling her guts, not him. They’d kept things light both times he’d been back since she talked about her suicide attempt. They’d spent Sunday afternoon playfully arguing about the words to various nursery rhymes while they set up a display in the children’s section.

“I tried asking her how you’re doing with-with everything, but she said she’s sworn to secrecy.” Cynthia let out a hollow laugh. “And I get it, I do. I’m sure it’s much easier to talk to your cool aunt with the rainbow-colored hair and the nose ring than it is to talk to your mother. I just… Can you tell me something? Anything? Your classes, they’re going okay?”

Connor nodded slowly. 

“Do you feel like you’re all caught up? Did the online classes do the trick or should I look into finding you a tutor?”

“I think I’m doing okay so far.”

“Okay, good,” Cynthia nodded eagerly. “And the other kids, are they-have you had any problems there? Zoe said something the other day. I don’t know. I think it slipped out by mistake and then she refused to elaborate. She started panicking about whether her straightener was still on and ran out of the room before I could figure out what she meant.”

Connor could only imagine what Zoe must have said. Probably something about how she felt she had to protect everyone he encountered from his wrath. It was somewhat gratifying to hear that she really wasn’t tattling on him though. Not on purpose, at any rate.

“Do I need to call someone? The guidance counselor, perhaps?” Cynthia asked softly when it became clear that Connor wasn’t going to answer her.

Connor gaped at her in horror and shook his head. “No.”

“Kids can be mean. I remember that well. If things are-”

“I made a friend.”

A million curse words started resounding through Connor’s head when he realized what he’d blurted out. He sounded like a fucking five-year-old. Look, Mommy, I made a friend. Can he come over and play trucks with me? Connor could barely manage to meet his mother’s stare.

Cynthia’s mouth dropped open and, for a moment, Connor was sure she was going to hug him. She resisted the urge by hugging herself.

“A friend? Oh, well, that’s wonderful, Connor!” Cynthia exclaimed. “I don’t know what to say. What’s his name? Or hers?”

Connor grit his teeth as he debated how to answer her. Saying a name would be dangerous. His mother would want to know more. She’d do her own research if he didn’t give her any other information. If she said something to Zoe… Connor couldn’t imagine that his sister wouldn’t react when she heard that he was friends with someone named Evan.

“I’m not trying to pry,” Cynthia said. Her tone was light, but Connor could see the disappointment in her eyes. “Forget I asked. You should be in bed now. If you see your father, remind him about the cleaning supplies.” She shook her head and looked down at the table again. “On second thought, I’ll get them myself. He probably got sucked into something on TV and forgot what he was doing in the first place.”

She gently prodded Connor out of the room and watched as he started to go upstairs.

“You know, Connor, you’re always welcome to invite friends over, if you’d like. I know Zoe doesn’t have people over very often, but that’s her choice, not ours. Maybe your friend would like to come to dinner sometime. Just a thought.”

Connor nodded vaguely and made a point of yawning as he continued up the steps. When he reached the landing, his mother was gone.


	11. Chapter 11

**Wednesday, September 13, 2017 6:33 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

Welcome back.

Glad to hear you’re still alive.

**Sincerely,  
E**

 

It gave Evan a slightly warped sense of satisfaction to hit send after writing such a short message to L. He knew he was being passive aggressive, but that didn’t bother him at all. L had terrified him by disappearing for two weeks. He kept thinking something horrible must have happened to his friend. 

He promised himself that he wouldn’t punish L for too long, that he’d write a longer message after Jared’s family left. The stubborn part of his brain told him that he could wait a day or two before writing again. Evan decided he’d wait and see how he felt after dinner.

His mother was moving at a breakneck speed when Evan emerged from his bedroom. She quickly gave him a list of instructions (fluff the pillows, put away your backpack, stack the magazines neatly) before running back into the kitchen. Evan didn’t know what she was cooking, but there was a strong smell of garlic filling the house. 

Evan tried to swallow his bitterness as he thought about the fact that their house almost never smelled like food. They rarely took the time to sit down and eat a homemade meal. For a second, Evan actually felt grateful for the Hansen/Kleinman semi-annual get-togethers. 

“Here,” Heidi said as she stepped out of the kitchen with a wooden spoon in hand. She held it up to Evan’s mouth. “Try this. It’s your grandmother’s recipe. I think I put too much salt in it.”

Evan tried the sauce and hummed his satisfaction. “Tastes fine to me.”

Heidi’s expression was skeptical as she sniffed the spoon. “Are you sure? Maybe I should start over. What time is it?”

“They’ll be here any minute.”

“All right, fine,” Heidi sighed. “This’ll have to do then. Did you set the table?”

Evan nodded and followed her into the kitchen.

“Keep an eye on that pot,” Heidi said, gesturing towards the stove. “Put the pasta in when it starts boiling. I’m going to go change.”

She clapped a hand on his shoulder before heading for the stairs.

Evan kept himself busy by straightening up the counters and scrubbing the pans in the sink while he waited for the water to boil. The doorbell rang before he could add the pasta. He yelled up the stairs to his mother and she shouted back that he should let their guests in.

Evan swallowed nervously and took his time walking to the door. He could see Jared peeping through the window as he approached. 

Mrs. Kleinman was the first to step inside. She handed Evan a tray of brownies and fussed over his cast. Mr. Kleinman shook Evan’s hand and asked how his senior year was going so far. Evan managed to mutter that it was fine before directing them towards the couch and excusing himself to check on the food. 

He breathed a sigh of relief as soon as the door shut behind him. He placed the brownies on the counter and eyed the stove. The water was finally starting to boil. Evan dumped the pasta in the pot and leaned against the sink.

The door flew open again as Jared came in. Evan looked up expectantly.

“Here.” Jared shoved a piece of paper at Evan. “Sign this.”

“What is it?” Evan asked curiously. His nose crinkled as he examined the sheet.

“It’s a sort of disclaimer, I guess you’d call it,” Jared replied. “It releases me from blame for any harm that might come to you from your friendship with Connor Murphy.”

Evan’s mouth opened and shut so many times that he was sure he resembled a fish. There were so many things wrong with that statement he didn’t know where to start. 

“It’s in French,” Evan finally said. 

“I wrote it in French class,” Jared said, rolling his eyes.

“I’m not signing that.” Evan tried to hand the paper back, but Jared was too quick. He jumped out of the way before Evan could reach him.

“Come on,” Jared pleaded. “My parents will take away my car if Connor kills you. They’ll say I should’ve warned you not to hang out with him.”

“That’s-I’m not-Connor and I-”

“You sit together in class. You’ve started eating lunch with him,” Jared pointed out.

“He eats lunch with me,” Evan corrected. There was a small, but distinct difference between the two statements. Evan had been eating in the memorial garden for weeks. Connor had just started sitting there the day before. Evan hadn’t invited him. He had showed up of his own volition. 

“You talk to him between classes,” Jared continued on as though Evan hadn’t spoken. “You-”

“Evan!” 

Both boys jumped as Heidi flew into the room. 

“The stove! You weren’t paying attention,” Heidi hissed. She grabbed a towel and started sopping up the water that had spilled out. 

“Go talk to the Kleinmans while I clean this up.”

Evan clenched his fists and stared at his feet. He knew his mother didn’t mean it as a punishment, not entirely anyway, but it felt like one to him.

“It’s okay, Mrs. Hansen,” Jared said sweetly. “I’ll help Evan. You can go sit with my parents.”

Heidi’s eyes widened as her gaze went from Evan to Jared. She sighed and handed Jared the towel. “Thank you, Jared. That’s nice of you to offer. Can I trust you boys to finish up in here? The pasta should be done in a few minutes. The serving dish is on the middle shelf over there.” She gestured to the cabinet above Evan. “I’ll come get everything else before we sit down.”

The boys nodded and assured her that they could handle the responsibility. The smile on Jared’s face didn’t waver until the door shut behind Heidi.

They worked together in silence. Evan stirred the pasta while Jared finished wiping the stove.

“Are you actually friends with him?” Jared asked abruptly. His voice was so quiet that Evan almost didn’t hear him.

“I-” Evan started. “I don’t know. We just… He just started talking to me the other day.”

“Monday,” Jared nodded. “I saw you with him after lunch. I started to go over. I thought you might need back-up, but then it looked like you were okay.”

“Because Zoe showed up.”

“Before that. It looked like you were okay before that.”

“I guess,” Evan said. “He didn’t, um, hurt me or threaten me or anything like that.”

“That’s a first,” Jared snickered. 

“Yeah,” Evan agreed. He put the spoon down and rubbed his hands on his jeans.

Jared stared at him thoughtfully for a moment. “Can you at least write a note that you refuse to sign the disclaimer?”

Evan snorted and shook his head. A burst of laughter bubbled out of him. Jared joined in a moment later and they both laughed until they couldn’t breathe.

“I’ll take that as a no,” Jared choked out as their laughter subsided. 

Evan turned back to the pot and swirled the noodles around while Jared went on about a girl he’d met at camp that summer. They’d been emailing for weeks and were now talking about meeting up somewhere between their two towns.

“She wants to get sushi,” Jared told him. “I’ve never had sushi. I’m pretty sure it isn’t kosher.”

Evan didn’t know what to say. Neither of their families were particularly observant, but Jared liked to bring the subject up at random from time to time. 

“Why don’t you suggest getting a pizza?” Evan recommended. “That sounds safe.”

“Except, then I’d have garlic breath. You can’t have garlic breath on a first date.”

“I wouldn’t know,” Evan shrugged.

“Well, I know that,” Jared smirked. His eyes lit up as a thought occurred to him. “Is that why you’re hanging out with Connor? You’re trying to find a way to get with Zoe?”

“I-” Evan started at the idea. He hadn’t thought about it like that at all. He liked Zoe. He had since tenth grade. She was pretty and confident and there was just something cool about her. Effortlessly cool. She wasn’t like some of the other girls, the ones who seemed to spend most of their time figuring out how to appear cool.

And she was nice. Evan didn’t know her well. They’d only spoken twice before the school year began. Once when she stopped him from trying to open her brother’s locker and once when she asked if he had any gum. He hadn’t had any that day, but he’d been carrying a pack with him ever since.

The truth of the matter was that he sometimes wondered if he idolized Zoe, if he’d built her up so much in his mind that there was no way she could really be that amazing. There were times when he realized that his crush on Zoe was just like the crushes he’d developed on various celebrities. He liked to look at her. Jared had teased him on more than one occasion about his slightly creepy habit of scrolling through Zoe’s Instagram. He liked the idea of her. He liked the idea of dating a beautiful, caring girl who accepted him, flaws and all.

He hadn’t thought about any of those things while talking to Connor though. It was easy to forget that Connor and Zoe were related when they weren’t at each other’s throats.

“I’ve struck a nerve,” Jared grinned. “Suddenly, it all makes sense.”

“That’s-that’s not what’s happening,” Evan said adamantly.

“Sure, it’s not,” Jared winked.

“No, really-”

Evan was cut off as the door swung open and his mother returned.

“All right, boys,” Heidi said as she swept into the room. Jared’s parents were right behind her. “The garlic bread is on the counter over there.”

Jared’s mother picked up the basket and took it to the dining room.

“I already have a bottle of wine on the table. Evan, show Jared where the sodas are. Or would you rather have juice?”

“Soda’s fine,” Jared assured her. Evan handed him a can of Coke.

“Glasses, Evan,” Heidi said primly. “Get him a glass.”

Evan quickly obeyed.

Jared and his father gathered up the salad and the condiments before joining Mrs. Kleinman at the table. Evan hung back to help his mother finish the spaghetti.

The dinner itself went a lot smoother than its preparation. Heidi and the Kleinmans chatted about their jobs and the TV shows they were watching. All three adults tried to ask the boys about their college plans. Evan was relieved to see that Jared was just as evasive as he was when forced to talk about his future.

When Heidi brought out ice cream to eat with the brownies, they all moaned about how full they were. That didn’t stop them from devouring the desserts though.

The Kleinmans finally left after having coffee and promising to have dinner with the Hansens more often. Evan didn’t expect that to happen. His mother had made the same promises the last time they visited Jared’s family.

Evan loaded the dishwasher while his mother boxed the leftovers. He nodded and stifled yawns as she recapped the night.

“Did you have fun with Jared?” Heidi wondered. “You know he’s always welcome here, right? Maybe he can come for dinner sometime when I have to work. You could get a pizza and order a movie. That sounds fun, doesn’t it?”

Evan humored her by nodding, but he couldn’t imagine ever asking Jared if he wanted to hang out when his parents weren’t making him. Actually, he could imagine it and that was the problem. Jared would laugh mercilessly and make sure everyone in the area heard him say no.

“It was good to see Eileen and Harold,” Heidi went on. “We really should make this a monthly thing.”

Evan nodded again and closed the dishwasher. 

“Did you finish your homework?” Heid asked.

“Yeah,” Evan said. He’d done it before she’d gotten home.

“Good,” Heidi beamed. “I was thinking we could watch a movie and play a game.”

“It’s after nine,” Evan frowned.

“So?” Heidi said.

“It’s a school night,” Evan reminded her.

“I know, but I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages. I’ll write a note if you want to skip your first class. You just have gym in the morning, don’t you?”

Evan bit his lip and nodded.

“And you hate gym. You’re always saying how much you hate it. I don’t have to be at work until ten tomorrow. We can play hooky and go to breakfast at Louie’s.”

Evan considered her offer. He did hate gym. He hated everything about it. He hated being picked last. He hated the locker room. He hated feeling like he was the odd one out when his classmates joked around with each other.

He’d hoped that he would be able to get out of it while the cast was on his arm, but that hadn’t been the case. Coach Gregory still insisted that he get dressed and participate as much as possible. The coach had decided that Evan could watch the games and advise his classmates on how to improve their skills. Evan had yet to offer advice to anyone.

“Yeah, okay,” Evan finally agreed.

Heidi grinned and told him to get a game from the closet. Evan decided on Monopoly and they settled in to watch a comedy she found on Netflix.

 

Evan missed the first part of the movie because his mother immediately launched into a breathless summary of everything that was going on in her life. She told him all about the doctors who had broken up and were barely managing to be civil to each other. (“I swear I thought Natalie was going to stab Trevor with a needle the other day.”) She told him about the father of three who had died in a car crash. (“It was the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. I went into the breakroom and cried.”) She told him about the man who was being treated for fourth degree burns after saving his neighbor’s baby from a house fire. (“His family has started collecting money for his medical bills. I donated $25.00. I would’ve given more, but you know…)

She finally ran out of steam after talking for nearly half an hour. Evan was glad that she’d chosen one of their favorite films or he wouldn’t have understood what was happening.

“Don’t forget you have an appointment with Dr. Sherman on Friday and we have a follow-up with Dr. Tyler on Monday,” Heidi reminded him. She rolled the dice and pumped her fist when she saw where she’d landed.

“I’m getting my cast off then, right?” Evan asked.

“If all goes as planned,” Heidi nodded. “I have to work Friday. Will you-”

“I’ll take the bus,” Evan finished. “You’re coming Monday, right?”

“Of course, sweetie,” Heidi said. “I wouldn’t miss it for anything.”

Evan nodded, though he had his doubts. If someone called out or she was offered overtime, he knew he’d end up going alone.

They lost interest in the game before the movie was over. That was always how it went for them. They left the board on the floor and stretched out on the couch. Heidi covered herself with a blanket and rested her head on a pillow. Evan knew she’d be asleep in no time.

He turned the TV off when the end credits came on. He debated whether he should wake his mother, but decided she looked comfortable where she was.

He changed into his pajamas and brushed his teeth and got in bed. He stared at the ceiling for what felt like hours before he gave in and grabbed his laptop. 

Evan logged onto YANA. He gazed at the screen and impatiently tapped his fingers on the keyboard while he waited for the page to load.

There was nothing new in his inbox. Evan refreshed the page in case it hadn’t loaded right.

Nothing.

He logged out and shut his computer down for the night. 

That settled it for him. L could wait a few days before getting a longer reply.


	12. Chapter 12

_Conversations  
Evan (Mobile)_

_Thursday 9/14_  
_7:15 AM  
where r u? i have a recipe for ur mom. _

__

__

_7:17 AM  
id leave it in ur locker but ppl will think its a love letter._

_7:20 AM  
r u sick? or did u oversleep?_

_7:21 AM  
zoe murphys looking fine today._

_7:22 AM  
nothing?_

_7:23 AM  
bell rang. text me when u get here._

_8:32 AM  
srsly. where r u? _

 

Jared shut his locker and looked around nonchalantly. At least, he liked to think he did it nonchalantly. He was feeling particularly glad that there weren’t any mirrors near him at that moment. 

It wasn’t like Evan to miss school. It also wasn’t like Evan not to answer his texts. Evan was usually annoyingly fast when it came to answering texts. It was like he sat around waiting for people to text him. The idea made Jared feel kind of sad when he stopped to think about it, but it usually worked out to his advantage.

Jared spotted Connor Murphy at his locker down the hall. Jared considered asking Connor if he’d seen Evan, but decided he didn’t have a death wish.

The bell rang, signaling that second period was about to start. Jared glanced around one more time before heading down to French.

He checked his phone again as he made his way down the stairs. He nearly dropped it when a pack of freshmen ran past him.

Nothing. No new texts. No missed calls. Nothing to suggest that Evan had received his messages.

There wasn’t anything from his parents either. That was something. If Evan had been in a car accident, he would’ve been with his mother. Surely, Jared’s parents would have heard by now and let him know.

Except, Jared realized, his family probably didn’t make the list of people who would be informed if something bad happened to the Hansens.

Jared quickly hid his phone as he walked past the administrative offices. He was so lost in his thoughts that he had to double back to verify who he’d seen talking to Ms. Jones, the administrative assistant.

“Evan, Mrs. Hansen!” Jared didn’t care what his voice sounded like. It was such a relief to see them alive and well that he didn’t even try to mask his excitement. 

“Good morning, Jared,” Heidi said kindly. 

Evan tilted his head and looked at Jared like there was an alien sitting on his shoulder. 

“I texted you earlier,” Jared told Evan. “About the recipe my mom promised your mom.” 

Evan pulled his phone out of his backpack. His mouth shifted to the side as he started scrolling through it. 

“Oh, for the chicken casserole,” Heidi chirped. She frowned as Evan continued to stare at his phone. She nudged his arm, but Evan refused to look up.

“Yeah,” Jared said. He dug through his bag until he found it. “Here.”

Heidi took the card from him and examined it for a moment before putting it in her purse. “Thank your mother for me. I’ll give Evan the recipe for my mother’s tomato sauce tomorrow so you can take it to her. I forgot to bring it with us. We had a bit of a slow start this morning.”

“Is everything all right?” Jared asked curiously.

“We decided to play hooky,” Heidi whispered. Her eyes lit up mischievously as she watched Ms. Jones pull a paper out of the copier.

“All right,” Ms. Jones said as she came back to the counter. “I’ll make sure Coach Gregory gets this note. And I took the liberty of writing a slip for your second period teacher explaining why you’re late.”

Evan mumbled his thanks and shakily accepted the note.

“Would you mind writing one for Jared?” Heidi asked. “I’m afraid it’s my fault he’s going to be late too.”

Ms. Jones gave them a beady stare before hastily scribbling something on a pad and handing it to Jared.

Jared gave her what he thought was a charming smile, but it didn’t seem to improve her mood at all.

“I better get going. I have a few errands to run before work,” Heidi announced. Jared could tell that she wanted to hug Evan goodbye and was only resisting because he was there.

 

They walked out of the office together. Heidi reminded Evan that she had class that night and wouldn’t be home until ten. She told Jared that they had plenty of leftovers if he wanted to come over. Evan’s head shot up at that and he looked at his mother like she’d suggested they join a cult and dye their hair pink.

“It was just a thought,” Heidi shrugged good-naturedly as she turned to go. “I’ll see you boys later.”

“Which way are you heading?” Jared asked once Heidi was gone.

“Upstairs,” Evan replied. “I haven’t been to my locker yet. Then, I-I have American Government.”

Jared nodded. “I have that this afternoon. I’m supposed to be in French now.”

Evan squinted at him in a way that made Jared realize he was thinking about the disclaimer from the night before.

“See you,” Jared said quickly. He hurried away before either of them could laugh.

It occurred to Jared as he went down the hall that he hadn’t said anything about Mrs. Hansen’s invitation to come over. Evan hadn’t looked thrilled about it, but Jared suspected that was mainly due to the way it had been issued. 

Jared knew his parents would be ecstatic if he called them to say he was eating dinner at the Hansens’ house. They would probably buy him the subwoofer he’d been eyeing for months.

The truth of the matter was that Jared didn’t really need any incentives to hang out with Evan. The thought flittered through his mind quickly, without warning, and he grit his teeth as though that would make it go away.

The only thing more pathetic than being Evan Hansen was seeing Evan Hansen as your best friend.

Jared had come to that realization the year before. He had tried and failed to talk himself out of it. The problem was that he didn’t really have any alternatives.

He had his camp friends, but he hardly ever saw them. He was friendly with his co-workers at the movie theater, but they never socialized outside of work. He’d been eating lunch with the same group of boys since middle school, but he wouldn’t actually call them his friends. They’d banded together because, well, he wasn’t really sure how they’d ended up at the same table. Some of them seemed like they really were friends with each other. Others were like him. They sat there out of habit. They rarely talked. Jared didn’t even know all their names.

Evan had always been a constant presence in Jared’s life. They’d known each other since they were in diapers. There were dozens of embarrassing pictures of them that could very easily be used as blackmail if one of their parents wanted to go down that road.

They didn’t hang out very often, but Jared knew that was his doing. He couldn’t imagine Evan saying no if he ever seriously suggested they do something outside of school. 

Dinner at the Hansen household started to sound like a great idea to Jared as he stepped into Madame Reid’s classroom. He handed her his note, apologized in French, and took his seat. His mother had said something about cooking liver for dinner. Anything was better than that.

There were ten people in Jared’s French class. Students were only required to take two years of a foreign language, so most people stopped after sophomore year. Jared liked French though. There was still a part of him that thought it would be a good way to impress girls.

Madame Reid told the class to pair up and practice having conversations about the reading she’d assigned. Jared quickly looked around for a partner. Eight of his classmates had sorted themselves out automatically. The only one remaining was Zoe Murphy, the one junior in a class of seniors.

Jared stood up and moved to the desk next to her. “Bonjour, Zoe.”

“Bonjour,” Zoe echoed. She opened her binder and Jared could see a page filled with notes. Jared suddenly felt very ill-prepared when he thought about the messy paragraph he had jotted down that morning.

Jared quickly pulled his French book out of his backpack and flipped through it until he found the page he’d written. Several papers flew out of his bag when he dropped it on the ground. Zoe bent over to pick them up while he tried to get himself organized.

“Merci,” Jared said as she handed them over. 

Zoe tugged them back at the last second. A scowl formed on her face as she read the one on top. “What’s this?”

Jared blinked and leaned over to see what she’d found. The disclaimer. Because, of course, he’d thrown it in his backpack by mistake. He really was that stupid.

“Uh, that’s-”

“This is about my brother,” Zoe said slowly. 

Madame Reid breezed by them and reminded Zoe to speak in French.

Zoe’s face was getting redder by the second and Jared had a feeling it had nothing to do with the fact that a teacher had corrected her.

“Madame Reid!” Zoe’s hand shot up in the air. She quickly asked to be excused, claiming she’d left her notes in her locker. 

“Meet me by the fountain in two minutes,” Zoe hissed at Jared before hurrying from the room.

Jared’s head dropped into his hands while he tried to calm down. Two minutes passed, then three, then five. He had hoped that Zoe would come back, that they could simply carry on discussing the reading, but it was becoming obvious that wouldn’t be happening.

Jared shuffled across the classroom until he was standing behind Madame Reid. The teacher was deep in conversation with Alana Beck and Tracy Jacobs. He cleared his throat until Madame Reid turned to face him.

Jared usually prided himself on his ability to converse in French, but he suddenly found it very difficult to ask to use the restroom. Madame Reid dismissed him with a wave of her hand. Alana and Tracy, on the other hand, seemed to be extremely amused by the situation. Jared saw the girls exchange a look as they glanced at Zoe’s empty desk. He knew that look. He knew no good could come from it.

 

Zoe was rocking back and forth impatiently when Jared joined her in the courtyard. It had been a lot easier than he’d expected to sneak outside. There were security guards at every entrance to the school, but most of them ignored the students as long as they weren’t doing anything overtly wrong. The one guarding the courtyard was a guy named Ray. He’d been a senior when Jared was a freshman and still liked to think he was one of the cool kids. He winked as Jared went by, but didn’t say a word.

“What the hell is this?”

Jared flinched at Zoe’s tone. So much for preamble.

“You wrote some, I don’t know, contract between my brother and Evan Hansen?” Zoe squinted at the paper. “What-”

“It was a joke,” Jared managed to say.

“A joke?” Zoe’s eyes were glued to the page. Jared could practically see the wheels turning in her head as she translated what he’d written. “This is messed up. Why would you write something like this?”

“I-I don’t know,” Jared squeaked. “I didn’t mean for anyone to see it besides Evan.”

“You showed it to Evan?” Zoe asked. “What did he say about it?”

“He refused to sign it.”

“Well, that’s something, I guess,” Zoe sighed.

“They’re friends now,” Jared told her. “Did you know that?”

Zoe’s eyes narrowed as she looked up at him. “My brother and Evan?”

“Yeah,” Jared nodded.

“So?” Zoe shrugged.

“So, I just-”

“Thought you should get Evan to sign a document releasing you from blame if Connor decides to kill him?”

“Or maim him.” Jared smiled weakly.

Zoe shook her head and tore the paper in half. Jared forced his face to stay blank as she continued to shred the disclaimer. She handed the pieces back to him and folded her arms across her chest.

“This is unbelievable.”

“I’m sorry. It was a joke. A stupid one, I know, but-”

“Not that.” Zoe plopped down on the edge of the fountain. Jared hesitated a moment before joining her.

“What then?”

“French class was supposed to be my sanctuary,” Zoe said quietly. “I picked French because Connor chose Spanish. I figured it was my one shot to do something that didn’t have anything to do with my brother. All my other classes are taught by teachers who’ve had Connor or know all about his reputation. Even jazz band isn’t a totally Connor-free zone. Whenever there’s a concert, my parents either moan about the fact that Connor didn’t show up or that he was stoned the whole time.”

Jared flexed his hands in his lap. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think-”

“No one ever thinks before pulling crap like this,” Zoe laughed harshly. “Everyone thinks Connor’s a lost cause, so who cares what they say about him?”

Zoe blinked her eyes and stared up at the sky. “And, honestly, I don’t blame them. He’s earned that rep and then some. For what it’s worth, I think he’s trying to get better now. We… He’s not as bad as he was before. If he’s actually friends with Evan, then I don’t think you have anything to worry about there.”

He only had to worry about the possibility of losing his best friend, Jared realized bitterly. Evan didn’t go around talking to just anyone. And no one ever talked to Evan. Not willingly, at least. The fact that Evan and Connor had been hanging out all week meant that Evan now had a real live, actual friend, not just someone who constantly reminded him they were family friends.

He pushed the idea out of his mind and stood up. “We should go back to class.” Jared ran a hand through his hair and grinned ruefully. “Hey, um, just a heads up, don’t be surprised if Alana and Tracy start spreading rumors about us.”

Zoe stared at him for a moment before laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of that statement. Jared chuckled too. Like anyone would ever believe that someone like Zoe would go out with someone like Jared.

Jared made a mental note to find Evan as soon as possible. He decided it would be a good idea to give Evan a brief summary of what he’d discussed with Zoe before the rumor mill started spinning yarns.

Of course, knowing Evan, it would take days before any of this reached him.


	13. Chapter 13

**Thursday, September 14, 2017 4:11 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

Did you know that a Queensland grouper named Bubba was the first fish to receive chemo?

That’s just one of the many fun facts I learned while watching a nature documentary the other day.

See what kind of influence you’re having on me? I never used to watch stuff like that unless I was getting credit for it.

Which, actually, isn’t a bad idea. I wonder if my science teacher would give me extra credit if I wrote a paper on what I saw. I’ll definitely be needing it if I’m going to pass her class.

**Sincerely,  
L**

 

**Saturday, September 16, 2017 6:58 AM**

**Dear Friend:**

I feel so important. All hail E, the amazing, nature-loving trendsetter. 

I think I saw that program a while ago. Is that the giant fish that eats sharks?

Or was that the other fish they talked about? The one with the spikes?

It’s too early to think.

My mom signed me up to volunteer at her hospital. They’re having a fundraiser for a man who’s being treated for fourth degree burns. She decided it would be fun for the two of us to man the table for a few hours this morning.

Because watching me stutter my way through the man’s tale of woe will definitely inspire people to hand over their hard-earned cash.

I think I’ll let my mom do all the talking. 

**Sincerely,  
E**

 

**Saturday, September 16, 2017 7:10 AM**

**Dear Friend:**

My mother just informed me that she won’t be volunteering with me today.

The fundraiser’s being hosted by the man’s family, not the hospital. It isn’t even going to be at the hospital. It’s being held at the man’s church. She said her supervisor told her that it would be considered a conflict of interest for her to help out.

But, apparently, it isn’t one for me to be there.

I think I’m going to be sick.

I’d refuse to go, but Mom showed me pictures of the man and his family and the baby he saved.

And I still need the service learning hours. I know I haven’t racked up enough to graduate. 

**Sincerely,  
E**

 

**Saturday, September 16, 2017 5:31 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

Good luck with the fundraiser. 

Or I guess I should say I hope it went well.

You must be done by now, right?

Have you tried volunteering at the library? That’s how I’m getting my service learning hours. It’s actually not that bad.

**Sincerely,  
L**

 

**Saturday, September 16, 2017 6:57 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

The fundraiser ended around eleven. We ended up closing early because they received several large donations that took them over the top. I don’t know how much they raised, but my mom said she heard it was more than enough to cover the man’s bills.

The woman running the fundraiser was so happy with the final total that she wrote I volunteered for six hours when I really did three.

So, the day ended up being ok after all.

The library isn’t a bad idea, actually. I finally looked it up and my school requires us to volunteer for 75 hours in order to graduate. I now have 21.

My mom and I always end up volunteering at a local soup kitchen during Thanksgiving weekend, so I’ve racked up some hours that way. I don’t really mind doing that. They usually have me stay in the back and peel potatoes all afternoon. Then, my mom and I get turkey sandwiches from the grocery store and eat them while we watch Charlie Brown. 

It’s not as sad as it sounds.

**Sincerely,  
E**

 

**Sunday, September 17, 2017 1:14 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

Your Thanksgivings sound a lot better than my Thanksgivings. But, what else is new, right?

My mother still likes to host a big, happy family Thanksgiving every year, even though we’re nowhere near being a big, happy family.

Her parents got divorced when she was eleven, but she still insists on inviting both of them and their spouses. That plays out exactly as horrifically as you’re imagining.

We also have a horde of aunts, uncles, cousins, third cousins, seventh cousins twice removed, etc., etc. who descend upon the house every year. I still don’t know all their names or how I’m related to them.

I used to end up smoking in the garage with my cousin J***. We’d get high and sneak into the kitchen for snacks when my mom wasn’t looking.

That stopped two years ago when my sister caught us and ratted us out to our parents. Last year, J*** spent the whole day trying to talk to me about God. I wound up locking myself in my room until everyone left. 

It actually ended up being the best Thanksgiving I’ve ever had.

**Sincerely,  
L**

 

**Monday, September 18, 2017 9:22 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

I got my cast off today! 

My arm feels really weird now. I keep staring at it. 

It looks weird. Pale and gross and weird.

It’s kind of awesome.

I’m sorry your Thanksgivings suck. 

I don’t know how you do it, to be honest. It sounds exhausting, being surrounded by that many people all day. All of them expecting you to be a good host and talk to them. 

I’ve never been high, but I can almost understand why you wouldn’t want to go through a day like that without smoking something.

Almost.

That doesn’t mean I’m giving you my blessing to have a relapse.

Speaking of getting high, you’re still clean, right? That isn’t why you disappeared for two weeks, is it?

I really hope not. I am rooting for you, for whatever that’s worth.

It’s funny, I sometimes wish I had a bigger family. I just have my mom. She’s an only child. Her father died when I was two. Her mother lives in Florida and only visits us twice a year, usually at random times when airplane tickets are cheap. My mom used to send me to stay with her for a week every summer. She stopped when I was twelve and wouldn’t tell me why for years. She finally let it slip that my grandmother didn’t know how to handle me when I got into one of my “moods.”

Mood being code word for panic attack.

So, it’s usually just the two of us. My mom and me. I don’t have any siblings (unless you count the half-siblings I’ve never met). I don’t have any aunts or uncles or cousins. Well, actually, I think I have an aunt out there somewhere. She’s my father’s sister. I’ve never met her, which really isn’t surprising since I haven’t seen my dad in years.

My mother has a large extended family. Lots of cousins. Dozens of cousins. I don’t even know how many. We hear from them from time to time. One of them visited us last winter. She showed up out of the blue with her husband and two kids. My mom was at work, so she told me to entertain them until she got home.

I tried suggesting they go out to eat and stop by our house for dessert.

Of course, that backfired since they insisted I come with them. 

They kept teasing me about how I must know all the hot spots in town. They wanted to know all about my school and my friends and my girlfriend. Because the fact that I was sixteen automatically meant I had a girlfriend.

They kept going on about how adorably shy I am until it became clear that there really isn’t anything adorable about it. 

We wound up grabbing a quick bite at the deli down the street. They dropped me off and said they’d stop by to see my mom the next day. I claimed I had too much homework to go to brunch with them when they came back. No one seemed disappointed or told me to blow it off.

So, now you know enough about my family that you can write an extra credit report on us. Does your school have a class on dealing with dysfunctional families?

**Sincerely,  
E**

 

**Tuesday, September 19, 2017 5:02 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

Congratulations on getting your cast removed. I bet that’s a weight off your mind. Or arm, as the case may be.

My school doesn’t have a class on dealing with dysfunctional families, but I’d write about mine if it did. Yours really doesn’t sound that bad. I’ll respect your right to disagree because what’s that saying? The grass is always greener on the other side?

I haven’t been high in months. I swear I haven’t. I don’t blame you if you don’t believe me, but I’m telling the truth.

Did you know that today is Hermione Granger’s birthday? I used to think it was really cool that I shared my birthday week with her. I had a Harry Potter-themed party when I turned eleven. I was devastated that I didn’t get a real Hogwarts letter that day. I kind of still am.

**Sincerely,  
L**

 

**Wednesday, September 20, 2017 4:19 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

I did know that it was Hermione’s birthday yesterday. I have a list of all the characters’ birthdays saved on my computer. I think I have most of them memorized now though.

When’s your birthday? I forgot you said it’s this month. It isn’t today, is it? If so, then Happy Birthday!!!

Don’t forget – you don’t have to buy cigarettes just because you can do so legally now.

Of course, I suppose smoking cigarettes is better than smoking pot. 

I believe you, by the way. If you say you’re staying clean, then you’re staying clean.

Do you think there’s a college for wizards? I think I read somewhere that there isn’t, but how cool would it be if there was? Let me know if you get a letter for your eighteenth birthday.

I think I’m still a little upset about not getting my Hogwarts letter too. I think we all are.

**Sincerely,  
E**

 

**Friday, September 22, 2017 11:52 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

It’s my birthday today. Was my birthday.

No, wait, still is. It isn’t midnight yet.

Before you panic, don’t worry about not wishing me a happy birthday on my actual birthday. I know you would have if I’d said something sooner.

My family celebrated last night (if you can call having a “special dinner” consisting of a whole wheat vegetarian pizza and lemon sorbet celebrating) because my parents had a wedding to go to tonight.

Because attending the wedding of the daughter of one of my mother’s college friends is way more important than being with their only son on his eighteenth birthday.

I ended up going to dinner and a movie with my sister and Aunt J tonight. Afterwards, they surprised me and took me to this ice cream place my family used to go to when I was a kid. I guess I’d say it was a decent birthday. Aunt J’s usually okay to be around and my sister and I are actually getting along these days.

So, when’s your birthday? Do you share your birthday week with any Harry Potter characters?

**Sincerely,  
L**

 

**Saturday, September 23, 2017 10:40 AM**

**Dear Friend:**

Happy (belated) Birthday!

I’m glad you had a good night. 

My birthday’s March 10, same as Remus Lupin. I was kind of ridiculously proud of that when I was ten.

Are you doing anything else for your birthday weekend?

I decided to take your advice and sign up for a volunteer job at the library. I start Monday. I’m trying not to think about it too much because I’ll get myself all worked up if I do. The lady who interviewed me seemed nice enough, I guess. She said I’ll spend most of my time making copies and shelving books. That doesn’t sound bad. Much better than my mother’s suggestion about volunteering at a nursing home.

As I was leaving, the lady asked if I’d like to read books to kids or help run any workshops. I think she could tell from my expression that there’s no way that’s happening.

**Sincerely,  
E**

 

**Sunday, September 24, 2017 8:08 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

My parents decided to make up for the fact that they missed my birthday by planning a family outing. For all four of us. In the car. All day. Together. No breaks.

I don’t think any of us are on speaking terms at the moment.

My mom got it into her head that we should go to this orchard I liked when I was a kid. She insisted we go there, despite the fact that my father kept telling her it’s been closed for years.

They argued the whole way there. At one point, my father purposely took the wrong road and announced that we were going to the industrial museum instead. My mother screeched and hit his arm until he made a very illegal U-turn.

But, of course, he was right. The orchard was totally shut down when we got there. My sister suggested we go to the ice cream shop she took me to on Friday, but my parents were too worked up to listen.

Then, we got a flat tire as we were leaving. And we didn’t have the spare because it’s on the car I share with my sister. Because she got a flat last week and took it without telling anyone. And somehow it ended up being my fault for not realizing we had the spare on our car.

I yelled at my sister and she yelled back that the entire day was my fault.

So, it’s been really quiet here today. My father left early, claiming he had to work. I saw him grab his golf clubs on his way out though. My mother’s been cleaning all day. Deep cleaning. She was wiping down the lightbulbs in the kitchen the last time I saw her. My sister left this morning and hasn’t been heard from since. That’s probably for the best. Hopefully, she’ll cool down by the time she returns.

I’m still under house arrest, so I’ve spent the day doing schoolwork, looking at random things online, and watching TV. It wouldn’t be a bad way to spend the day if it weren’t for the fact that my mother keeps coming in and asking if my sister has responded to any of my texts. I finally told her that I haven’t texted my sister today. So, now my mother’s upset with me too.

Happy Birthday weekend to me.

**Sincerely,  
L**

 

**Friday, September 29, 2017 4:37 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

Sorry I haven’t written all week. We had a huge storm here Monday and it knocked out our internet. My mom called to have someone come out, but she had to make the appointment for a time when she’d be home because I, well, you know. I couldn’t have handled having the tech here when I’m home alone.

And, besides, I’m still a minor. I’m pretty sure there are rules preventing techs from coming into houses when there aren’t any adults present. At least, that was the excuse I gave my mom so she’d stop looking at me like I need to have my dosage increased.

So, how’s your week been? Have things calmed down at your house? I hope you’re on speaking terms with your sister again, at least. It sounds like you could use an ally there.

My week’s been okay. I aced my Environmental Science test on Wednesday. My teacher actually told me I got the highest grade in the class. She then went on about how she wishes I would speak up more. She said my classmates would benefit from my insights and that she doesn’t want to have to dock my final grade because I won’t participate in class. She made it sound so easy. Like it’s my choice not to talk. I wish I could explain it to her, to everyone, but it would come out in gibberish if I tried. 

In other news, I started at the library on Monday. It turns out my friend C is volunteering there too. I’m pretty sure he ran interference the whole afternoon to make sure people didn’t sneak up on me and ask questions. I probably should be embarrassed that someone I just became friends with realizes it’s in everyone’s best interest if I’m not forced to talk, but it really was for the best. 

Dr. S suggested that I try working in the children’s section. He thinks I’ll have an easier time talking to kids than I do to adults and people my age. I told him that I don’t think the parents would appreciate a guy with sweaty, shaky hands trying to talk to their kids. I’m fairly certain that I’d end up being the first volunteer in the history of our library to be let go for cause.

**Sincerely,  
E**


	14. Chapter 14

_My friend C…My friend C…My friend C…_

Connor knew those words shouldn’t make him as happy as they did, but he couldn’t help it. He’d been wondering if he’d ever make an appearance in Evan’s messages. 

Evan talked about his mom a lot. He’d mentioned Jared several times. It wasn’t unusual for Evan to say something about his therapist.

And now…

_My friend C…My friend C…My friend C…_

Connor’s happiness quickly turned to panic as he reread Evan’s message. 

He didn’t think Evan had put two and two together yet, but he was starting to feel like he was giving too much away. Did Evan think it was just an odd coincidence that his pen pal and his friend Connor both volunteered at the library? Did he suspect anything? If he did, he hadn’t mentioned it.

Yet. He hadn’t mentioned it yet.

And, really, would he ever say anything if he did think something was up? It was hard to imagine Evan taking the risk that would be required to confront Connor about whether he was L.

Connor scrolled through his previous messages and tried to look at them through Evan’s eyes. 

He hadn’t attempted to refer to Zoe by name since the message with a dozen auto-censored Z**s. That had been months ago. Back when he was still trying to get kicked off the site. What were the odds of Evan remembering that letter?

He had mentioned Aunt Jamie on his birthday, but he’d referred to her as Aunt J. He had never told Evan about his aunt. Evan had met her at the library, but Connor wasn’t sure if Evan knew they were related. He’d never told Evan that the librarian was his aunt and he didn’t think Aunt Jamie had talked to Evan for more than a minute or two on Monday. He made a mental note to have a word with her before Evan returned to the library. He wasn’t exactly sure how that conversation would go, but he trusted his aunt to go with it, even if she didn’t understand what he was talking about.

There were also the donations for the burn victim. Connor was aware of the fact that Evan could think that the timing of it was strangely lucky. It hadn’t taken much convincing for Connor’s parents to write a check and to get their friends to do the same. His mother had been thrilled that he was taking an interest in something she deemed to be a worthy cause. His father had already been considering making a donation because the victim was somehow connected to one of the partners at Larry’s firm. It would be easy to justify the situation if Evan ever found out who was responsible for the contributions that had ended the fundraiser early.

The marijuana thing could be a clue, Connor realized. He was hardly the only teenage boy who got high though. He may be seen as the poster boy for it at school, but, even there, he could think of at least ten others who bought from the same dealer he’d used.

The suicide attempt… Well, that was one thing he didn’t have to worry about. No one at school knew exactly what had happened to him the previous spring. No one except Zoe and he really didn’t think she was going to tell anyone. 

He hadn’t told Evan anything about his extended family. He hadn’t said anything about what he’d done that weekend. He’d forced himself to act like he was bored when Evan started talking about a documentary he’d watched recently. He had overdone that one a bit. Evan ended up looking hurt and had excused himself before Connor could apologize. 

He hadn’t said anything to Evan about his birthday. His birthday had gone unnoticed at school. He definitely wasn’t the kind of person who had friends who took it upon themselves to decorate his locker or bring him cupcakes. Zoe had bought him a Twinkie, but he’d eaten it before he joined Evan in the memorial garden on Friday.

Connor sprang from his chair as a thought popped into his head. He ran down the stairs and nearly collided with his mother as she walked out of the kitchen.

“Connor!” Cynthia cried out. “Watch where you’re-”

“Sorry,” Connor mumbled quickly. “Do you know where the pictures are from my eleventh birthday?”

“Your… what?” Cynthia shook her head as she stared at her son.

“My birthday. The year we had the Harry Potter party.”

“Oh, right,” Cynthia nodded slowly. “They should be in one of the albums in the living room. Why-”

Connor hurried over to the bookshelf and started pulling albums off the shelf. Zoe’s dance recitals. His one and only soccer match. Middle school graduations. Halloweens. Christmases. Zoe’s birthday parties.

His birthday parties.

Connor flipped straight to the end. He looked at the partygoers. He recognized some (Alana Beck, Jared Kleinman – Jared had been at his birthday party?). He had no recollection whatsoever of at least half of them.

No Evan anywhere.

Connor heaved a sigh of relief and went through the pictures again. There was Zoe, her hair all teased out to look like Hermione’s. Jared was sporting a lightning scar and round glasses, like nearly every boy at the party. Alana was wearing a Ravenclaw scarf and had a stuffed owl attached to her shoulder.

The last picture was a group shot of everyone singing to Connor while he scowled at his cake. Connor ran his finger along the photo, examining each and every face. 

The breath caught in his chest. There, in the back, hovering at the edge of the crowd.

Evan.

His head was down and his eyes were closed. He was wearing a plain black robe without any other accessories. He didn’t appear to be singing.

It was definitely, unmistakably Evan Hansen.

Connor shut the album and put it back on the shelf. What did this mean? Did Evan remember his party? It had been seven years. He barely remembered it and it had been his birthday.

He must’ve gone to dozens of birthday parties in elementary school. He only had vague memories of them. There had been a couple pool parties. Zoo parties. Circus parties. At least two other Harry Potter parties, Connor was happy to note. There was even one party at a farm where they all had to try to milk a cow. He couldn’t remember who the party was for, but he vividly recalled getting frustrated and kicking the stool over. His father had gone with him that time for a change. They had left the party in a hurry after that. Connor could still remember how his father had gripped the steering wheel and stayed silent the whole trip home. 

Had he ever gone to a party for Evan? Connor couldn’t remember. He couldn’t remember Evan ever having a party. That didn’t mean he hadn’t, but…

“Connor?”

Connor turned to see Zoe standing in the doorway.

“Mom sent me to-”

“Spy on me?” 

“No!” Zoe snapped. She crossed the room and perched on the stool across from him. “To check on you. She said you-”

“Tried to kill her? Send her to the hospital? Give her a heart attack?”

“Would you stop? She said you were looking at old pictures.”

“I didn’t realize that was a crime.”

“It’s not,” Zoe said impatiently. “You have to admit it’s weird though.”

Connor shrugged.

“What’s going on?” Zoe asked softly. 

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

Connor nodded and narrowed his eyes.

“Okay,” Zoe huffed. “Well, obviously, nothing has something to do with your birthday parties.”

“Mom told-”

“Mom didn’t say anything except that you were acting weird and demanding to see old photos. You’re the one who didn’t push the album back all the way.”

“How do you know which one is for my birthday parties?” Connor snapped.

“I look at the pictures sometimes,” Zoe said quietly. “I… After you… While you were in the hospital, I kept all the albums in my room for a week.”

“You did?”

“Yeah, well,” Zoe sighed. “I wasn’t being nostalgic or anything. I just-I think I just needed to try and replace the image of you hanging with something a bit more cheerful.” 

Zoe closed her eyes and pushed her hair behind her ears. “So, why were you going through the photos?”

Connor stared at her for a moment. He was suddenly tempted to tell her everything. About E. About Evan. About the mess he was getting himself into. 

He knew what she’d say though. Zoe would, without a doubt, tell him that he had to come clean with Evan before it was too late. 

He knew there was a valid point there, but he wasn’t ready to go in that direction.

“No reason,” Connor said shortly. 

Zoe stared at him for a moment. Connor could see the questions forming in her mind. Zoe rolled her eyes and stood up. “Okay, fine, whatever.”

Connor felt a quick pang of… Not guilt. Something. He wasn’t sure what. He watched her go. Things between them felt so fragile, like one wrong move would undo everything. They hadn’t spoken for two days after the orchard outing. It had taken a pack of SpongeBob fruit snacks just to get Zoe to look at him. He knew he had to do something, to say something, or it would all fall apart again.

“What’s that smell?” Connor spoke up just as she reached the door.

Zoe slowly turned around and crinkled her nose. “Mom’s making a lima bean casserole for dinner.” 

“Oh. I think I’ll pass,” Connor decided.

“You’re going to skip dinner? Mom won’t like that.” Zoe put a hand on her hip and leaned against the doorframe. 

Connor let out a breath and pushed himself off the couch. “No, I’m going to make other arrangements. Go get your keys.”

“What?” Zoe blinked at him.

“Mom’s not going to let me take the car.”

“So, you want me to give you a ride somewhere,” Zoe said pointedly.

“To Evan’s,” Connor replied. The words came out before the idea had fully formed in his head. Connor absentmindedly reached for the phone in his pocket. This was going to take a bit of work.

“To Evan’s,” Zoe repeated. The look on her face was one of pure confusion. “He invited you to come over?”

“He didn’t. Jared did.”

“Jared-” Zoe shook her head. “Okay, you’re going to have to walk me through this because I don’t understand.”

“Jared ate lunch with us yesterday and he said that he’s been going to Evan’s house for dinner whenever his mom cooks something he doesn’t like, which, from the sounds of it, is almost every night.”

“Okay…”

“So, Jared said I should come over sometime,” Connor said. “Apparently, they’re going to go all out tonight because they had to fast today. Jared said I should come help them break the fast, whatever that means.”

“And Evan was okay with this?” Zoe wondered.

“Well, he didn’t say he wasn’t okay with it,” Connor said with a slight frown. “He said they’ve been ordering pizzas.”

“Pizza,” Zoe said eagerly. “They’re eating real pizza?”

“Real pizza with real cheese,” Connor confirmed.

Zoe’s eyes lit up excitedly. “Okay, fine, I’ll give you a ride under one condition. I get to stay.”

“I thought that was already implied,” Connor retorted. 

Zoe wrinkled her nose and marched upstairs to get her things. Connor took her place in the doorway while he waited. He pulled his phone out and sent Evan a quick text asking if it was all right to come for dinner. The response was instantaneous. Jared had just managed to escape from his relatives and they were about to place their order. There was a brief discussion about toppings and appetizers and soda preferences. Connor told them to add a salad for Zoe. He knew his sister would complain the whole night if she didn’t feel like she’d put something healthy into her body.

The phone rang as Connor was putting it back in his pocket. He picked it up and saw that Evan was calling him.

“Evan?” Connor said by way of greeting.

“What? Oh. Shoot. Sorry. I-I didn’t mean-”

There was a rustling sound, very quickly followed by a thump. 

Connor gazed at the phone and waited. Nothing happened. He put it back to his ear and said, “Hello?”

More rustling. The sound of laughter. Then, finally, “Evan can’t come to the phone right now. He’s too busy breathing into a paper bag.”

“N-not funny,” Evan rasped in the background.

“N-not far from the truth.”

“Is he okay?” Connor demanded.

“He’ll be fine,” Jared said snidely. “So, why are you calling? You lost?”

“We haven’t left yet,” Connor told him. He peered up the stairs. It was taking Zoe an awfully long time to get her purse and keys. “And I didn’t call Evan. He called me.”

“He-” Jared burst out laughing. “He must’ve hit the call button by mistake.”

“Oh,” Connor said.

“Yeah. So, Zoe’s coming too?”

Connor pulled the phone back and stared at it for a moment. “Is that a problem?”

“Nooo,” Jared exhaled slowly. “We just thought this was going to be a guys’ night. You know, we figured we’d all sit around in our boxers, scratching ourselves and burping. That kind of thing.”

“Jared!”

Connor’s eyebrows shot up at the sound of Evan’s voice. It had reached a pitch he hadn’t known Evan was capable of producing.

“What? You mean you haven’t told Connor what we’ve been doing here every night?”

“Why would you-would you just-”

“Oh my God, would you stop? Do you want to break your arm again? Here. You can have your phone back if it means that much to you.”

“Connor?” Evan wheezed breathlessly into the phone.

“Still here.” Connor bit his lip to keep from laughing.

“You-you know he’s joking, right? We’re not… I mean, we’re fully dressed. We’re not-”

“I knew he was joking,” Connor assured him.

“Oh, right, good,” Evan said quickly. “So, you and-you and Zoe. You’re coming?”

“As soon as she finishes primping or whatever she’s doing up there.” Connor glanced up the stairs again. He thought about yelling up to Zoe, but decided that would only make her move slower.

“Okay, good-good. We’ll see you soon then.”

“I’ll text you when we leave,” Connor promised before hanging up.

Connor started to sit on the stairs, but changed his mind and went up instead. He listened for the tell-tale sounds of Zoe getting ready. There were none. No hairdryer. No closet doors banging open and shut. No upbeat music or animated conversations with friends. Total silence.

Zoe’s door was half-open. Connor peered inside. Her room was empty. So was her bathroom. He did a quick sweep of the upstairs and found the other rooms vacant as well. 

The door leading down to the kitchen was cracked open. Connor came to a stop by it when he heard voices below. Zoe must have joined their mother in the kitchen because he could hear them arguing. It only took Connor a moment to realize they were fighting about him. 

“You can’t keep him here forever.”

“We’ve been through this, Zoe. He’s still grounded.”

“He’s eighteen. How much longer do you think you can keep him here against his will?”

“Your father said there are ways of-”

“Ways of what? Are you going to have him committed or something?”

“If it comes to that. We’re taking it one step at a time.”

“He’s getting better. He’s trying to-”

“I know. I can see it too, but that doesn’t mean I think he’s ready to go out like this.”

“What do you think is going to happen? Evan and Jared are-”

“I’m sure they’re perfectly nice boys, but I don’t know anything about them.”

“They are nice guys, Mom. Well, Evan is. Jared’s… He’s harmless. For the most part. I honestly think they’re having a good influence on Connor. Especially Evan.”

“That may be, but-”

“And I’ll be right there. I won’t let anything happen to him.”

“That’s the thing, Zoe. Your father and I… We’re worried we’re putting too much on you.”

“I told you I wanted to help!”

“I know, but-”

“I actually like spending time with Connor and I’m fine. Trust me. If you don’t believe me, ask Dr. Weinstein. That’s what you’re paying her for, isn’t it?”

“Zoe-”

“Mom, it’s been four months. You have to loosen the reins.”

“I know.”

“What?”

“You’re right. I know you’re right. Even your father has been saying I need to ease up.”

“He has?”

There was a pause. For a moment, Connor thought they had stopped speaking. He imagined them having a staring match. He knew from experience that there was no way Zoe would lose.

Connor finally realized they had simply lowered their voices. He could hear them whispering, but couldn’t make out the words. He inched forward to listen. The floorboards creaked under his feet. He decided it wasn’t worth the risk to try creeping down the stairs.

Connor reluctantly returned to the hall and took a seat on the bottom step. Several minutes passed before the kitchen door finally swung open and Zoe emerged.

Connor opened his mouth to confront her about what he’d heard, but something in her expression made him pause. His eyes narrowed as she leaned against the wall and typed out a quick text. 

“Everything okay?”

Zoe’s chin dropped down as she put her phone back in her bag. “Just some stupid girl drama. Nicole’s mad because she thinks I’m bailing on her, even though I never actually agreed to come over tonight.”

“Oh. We don’t have to go to Evan’s if you need to go see Nicole. I can stay home.” Connor was surprised when he realized how much the thought of staying in disappointed him, but he tried to keep his displeasure out of his tone.

“No, it’s fine,” Zoe insisted. “I’m pretty pissed at Nicole at the moment anyway.”

“Are you sure?” 

“Positive. I didn’t just spend all that time arguing with Mom so that I can go listen to Nicole gush about her new boyfriend."

“Did Mom-”

“She said we can go.”

“Oh,” Connor said. He opened the door and followed her outside. There was a slight chill in the air. Connor couldn’t remember the last time he’d been out after dark without a chaperone. An adult chaperone. He was starting to feel like Zoe didn’t really count.

“Oh,” Zoe repeated. She spun the keys in her hand while they crossed the lawn. “That’s all I get? I just spent the last ten minutes convincing Mom to let you leave the house and all you can say is ‘oh.’”

Connor stared at her as they climbed into the car. Zoe met his stare and raised her eyebrows.

“Thank you,” Connor mumbled. 

“What was that?” Zoe grinned.

“You heard me.”

“I think I did, but I’m not-”

“Thank you,” Connor cut in.

“You’re welcome,” Zoe beamed. 

Connor settled back in the seat and texted Evan that they were on their way. He received a kissy face emoji in response. Connor automatically told Jared to give Evan his phone back. The emoji he got after that would have been auto-censored on YANA.

“Hey, so, Evan doesn’t play chess by any chance, does he?”

“I don’t know. We’ve never talked about chess.” Connor tilted his head in confusion. “Why?”

“Mom asked me a million questions about him. I didn’t really know any of the answers, so I started making stuff up. I kind of, maybe, told her he’s a major chess fanatic.” 

“You what?”

“Yeah, so we may want to make sure he knows how to play,” Zoe huffed. “Mom said something about having Dad challenge him to a match.”

“That can never happen,” Connor said adamantly. 

“Yeah, I know. It’d be a disaster.”

“That’s an understatement.”

“Believe me, I know.”

“So, what does this mean? We’re going to have to teach Evan how to play chess tonight?” Conner wondered.

“I don’t know, maybe,” Zoe shrugged.

Connor chewed his lip thoughtfully. “Is this normal?”

“What do you mean?”

“Is this a normal thing for people our age to do on a Saturday night?”

Zoe looked at him quickly. Her hands slid down the steering wheel and she readjusted herself in the seat. “I don’t know. Sort of, I guess, but what does it matter? Didn’t you always say that normal is highly overrated?”

Connor stared down at his feet. “I haven’t said that in years.”

“Yeah, but it holds true. Twelve-year-old you was wise beyond his years.”

Connor looked up as Zoe pulled up to a stop sign. “Let’s hope the Hansens own a chess board then.”


	15. Chapter 15

_Monday, October 2, 2017 3:22 PM_  
_To: Senior Class_  
_From: Alana Beck_  
_Re: Homecoming  
_

____

__

__

__

____

__

__

__

__

_The countdown is on! We are now less than two weeks away from Homecoming. As seniors, it’s our responsibility to make sure this is the best one yet._

_I would like to take this opportunity to thank those of you who have been working so hard to prepare for this year’s festivities. We still have lots to do, so please see me if you would like to help work on our float or make decorations._

_Congratulations to everyone who was selected for this year’s Homecoming Court. Don’t forget to cast your vote for King and Queen. The polls will open on Wednesday and close next Monday. The winners will be announced during the pep rally next week._

_Spirit Week starts next Monday. The senior class has won for the last nine years and I don’t want us to break the streak. I’m sure you’ve seen the fliers around school, but I’ve attached one to this email in case you need a reminder. We’ll need everyone to participate if we’re going to get the trophy._

_So, make sure you get out there and show your Tiger pride next week, class of 2018!_

_Alana Beck  
Homecoming Committee Chair_

_Attachment – Homecoming_2017.pdf_

 

Alana bolted up at the sound of the basement door flying open. She yanked her earbuds out and swung her legs around until they were dangling from the side of her bed.

“Hey! How many times do I have to-” Alana cut herself off when she saw the intruder’s face. “Tracy! Sorry. I thought you were-”

Tracy leaned against the railing and frowned while she studied her phone. “You sent the email?”

“What?” 

“About Homecoming. You already sent it?”

“Oh. Yeah.”

“I thought we were going to send it tomorrow morning.”

“I won’t have time. I have to drop Alicia off at work. I thought I told you that.”

“No,” Tracy said slowly. “You told me to meet you in the computer lab before school.”

“Oh,” Alana sighed and shook her head. “Sorry. Things are kind of-”

“Crazy, I know. How many projects are you working on?”

“Too many,” Alana laughed. “Do you need something because I really should get back to…” Alana gestured at the many piles surrounding her bed.

Tracy looked down and bit her lip. “It’s just…”

“What?”

“You forgot the attachment about the Homecoming Court. I put all the bios together and everything.”

“I did?” Alana’s eyes narrowed as she pulled up the email. “Did you send it to me?”

“Yesterday,” Tracy nodded.

Alana bit her lip and scrolled through her inbox. “Oh. Here it is. I can send another email if you want.”

“No, it’s fine,” Tracy shook her head. “It’s really not a big deal. None of us are taking this seriously, you know. It helps that we’re all friends.”

“Friends. Right.”

“We’re all going to Kayla’s to work on our posters tonight. You’re welcome to tag along if you want.”

“Can’t. I have too much-”

“To do,” Tracy finished. “Hey, where were you at lunch today? We all went over the plans for Homecoming. You know everyone’s meeting at Drew’s, right?”

“I can’t,” Alana said firmly. “I’m going to be stuck at school all day. It’s going to take me all morning to make sure everything’s set up. Then, there’s the game itself. Then, I have to give tours to alumni and prospective donors. Did you decide if you want to help with that? It’ll be a great way to make connections.”

“Kayla and I are getting our hair done after the game.”

“Suit yourself,” Alana shrugged. “I’m going to bring my dress with me. I can change in the locker room, if I’m even able to make it to the dance.”

“You’re not going?”

“I didn’t say I’m not going. I said I might not go.”

“Alana-”

“Do you need something?” Alana asked again. “I really should, you know…”

“Your glue gun. Can I borrow it tonight?”

“It’s over there,” Alana gestured at her craft table.

“Thanks,” Tracy nodded. She looked down quickly as she put the glue gun in her bag. “Are you sure you don’t want to come to Kayla’s? I could really use your help with my posters.”

“I’m sure you’ll be fine. Making posters is easy. Now, the Trig test, on the other hand…”

“Ugh, I almost forgot about that. I guess I’ll be up late tonight.”

Alana stared at Tracy for a second before leaning back into her pillows. “You should go. You don’t want to keep everyone waiting, do you?”

“What?” Tracy frowned at the sudden shift in Alana’s tone.

“I have to study.”

Alana picked up her Trigonometry textbook and shoved her earbuds back in. She knew it wasn’t the most mature way to end a conversation, but she didn’t particularly care at that moment. Tracy shook her head and sighed before heading up the stairs. She nearly collided with Alicia when she reached the top. 

“Hi, Trace-Bye, Trace,” Alicia snickered as she meandered down the stairs.

“Haven’t any of you ever heard of knocking?” Alana yelled at her sister. She took a breath and paused her music.

“The door was open,” Alicia rolled her eyes. “Besides, I’m just here to get my clothes out of the dryer.”

“From the dryer that’s in my room.”

“Uh-uh,” Alicia shook her head. “Your room starts here.” She jabbed her foot at a point past the stairs. “This-” Her foot moved back to the laundry machines. “-is communal territory.”

“Where’d you hear the word ‘communal’?” Alana demanded.

“I read,” Alicia snapped defensively.

“Yeah, beauty magazines.”

“Websites, actually. Much better for the environment.”

Alana glared at her sister for a moment before grabbing her pillow and curling up with her textbook. She stared at the page, but found it almost impossible to focus. None of the formulas were making sense. She pulled her notebook out of her bag and attempted to remember what her teacher had demonstrated that day.

It was useless. Her conversation with Tracy had given her a headache and Alicia’s presence wasn’t helping matters at all.

“Do you mind?” Alana snapped as her sister threw the laundry basket on the floor. “I’m trying to study.”

“When are you not trying to study?” Alicia demanded. 

Alana closed her eyes and tried to tune out the noises around her. She hated feeling this way, like things weren’t going the way she’d planned. Tracy should have stayed to study. She hadn’t brought it up because she didn’t think she had to. It went without saying. They always studied for tests together. It had been that way forever.

Tracy and Alana had gravitated towards each other in middle school because they were so alike in so many ways. They were both smart, often the smartest ones in the room. They were both doers. They weren’t happy unless they were busy. They were ambitious. That was what had really grabbed Alana’s attention. Tracy was the only other girl in their sixth-grade class who did every extra credit assignment their teachers offered.

They’d been practically inseparable until the year before. Until John. Until his teammates’ girlfriends took Tracy under their wings. Until Tracy somehow beat the odds and became popular.

Tracy hadn’t abandoned Alana. No matter how popular she got, she refused to abandon Alana. They were still inseparable in school. They still sat together and worked together and helped each other out. Tracy had cut back on her extracurriculars, but she still made sure to spend time with Alana outside of school whenever possible. 

That part stung a lot. Alana hated feeling like she was something that had to be forced into Tracy’s schedule.

And, so, Alana had turned Tracy into something that had to be forced into her schedule. She had always been one to keep herself busy. She had just taken it to another level for her senior year. She had so many things going on that she’d had to buy a white board to help her keep everything straight.

The sound of her phone buzzing brought Alana back to reality. She expected to see an apologetic text from Tracy, but wasn’t disappointed when Alan’s name popped up instead. She grinned when she saw that he’d passed his Economics mid-term. She typed out a quick congratulatory text and picked up her notes again. If Alan could get through Economics, a class that had been driving him insane all semester, then she could figure out Trigonometry.

“Hey,” Alicia said suddenly.

Alana bristled at the disruption and took her time looking up. She’d allowed herself to sink so deeply into her thoughts that she’d forgotten her sister was still there. “What?”

“You’re in for the night, right?” Alicia shifted the laundry basket in her arms from one hip to the other.

“I don’t know. Why?”

“Alice and I have been wanting to go out for ages, just the two of us. We haven’t been able to because of the kids. If you’re staying in, do you think you could-”

“No!” Alana cried. “Absolutely not. I am not babysitting the twins so you and Alice can go out.”

Alicia dropped the basket by the foot of the stairs and marched across the room. She used the corner of Alana’s bed to prop herself up so that she could lean over her sister. “God, Lanie. Why are you so selfish? We all have to pitch in and help out around here.”

“Are you effing kidding me?” Alana snarled. “All I ever do is-”

“Alice needs a break!” Alicia’s voice grew louder as she struggled to talk over her sister. “She’s going crazy. Would it kill you to keep an eye on her kids for a couple hours?”

Alana clenched her teeth and looked down. Dozens of responses flew through her head. She wanted to say that Alice should’ve thought about the consequences of her actions before letting herself get knocked up at seventeen. She longed to shout that she was the one who helped with dinner every night, who vacuumed the house every other day, who did twice as many chores as her sisters did combined. She was dying to remind Alicia that she was the one who volunteered to give up her bedroom when Alice came crawling back home. Alicia hadn’t argued, hadn’t even pretended to argue. It was like it was a given. Of course, Alana would be the one to move to the basement. What other solution could there possibly be?

“Lanie, please,” Alicia said softly. 

Alana slammed her textbook shut. “Fine.”

“Really?” Alicia squealed. “You’re the best! The absolute best!”

“Yeah, yeah, tell me something I don’t know,” Alana smirked.

“Let me go tell Alice the good news.” Alicia bounced off the bed and clapped her hands. “You’ll be okay fixing dinner for them, won’t you? Mom and Dad have a thing tonight.”

“I’ll be fine,” Alana assured her.

Alicia let out another excited shriek and practically flew back up the stairs. Alana’s eyes landed on the laundry basket her sister had left behind. Part of her wanted to leave it there, to walk away and pretend she hadn’t noticed it. She couldn’t do that though. She couldn’t in good conscience allow Alicia’s clothes to stay there all clumped together and wrinkly. 

Alana turned on the iron and listened to the sounds above her. She could hear the twins stampeding through the house and yelling her name. Alana didn’t bother responding. They would find her soon enough. Her sisters would make sure of that.


	16. Chapter 16

**Monday, October 2, 2017 6:03 AM**

**Dear Friend:**

My father’s standing in the doorway lecturing me about college. He actually woke me up early so that we could have a “little chat” about my future.

It’s too early for this ****. 

That’s going to be auto-censored and I don’t even ******* care.

**** 

He just realized I’m not listening to him.

**Sincerely,  
L**

 

**Tuesday, October 3, 2017 4:27 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

So, I take it that things haven’t exactly calmed down at your house?

I’m sure your father means well. At least, it sounds that way to me. You’re lucky you have a father who cares. Try to keep that in mind when he gets on your case. 

I will admit that I feel your pain though. My mom’s starting to hound me about my applications. I keep telling her I have plenty of time, but I know she has a point. I really need to get cracking if I want a chance at getting a scholarship.

I’m not even sure where I want to go, to be honest. I like the idea of doing something in science, possibly with trees. Shocking, I know. I’ve been looking into a couple programs that sound interesting, but none of them are near here. The closest one is three hours away. I don’t think I like the idea of living that far from my mom. I don’t know if that makes me lucky or pathetic. Or both. Probably both.

That sounded lame, didn’t it? Let’s pretend I said something cooler. I’d edit it myself, but Dr. S keeps reminding me not to do that. 

**Sincerely,  
E**

 

**Wednesday, October 4, 2017 9:19 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

Things are somewhat calmer here actually. My sister and I made up. My mom’s trying to relax a bit. My dad’s trying to be a dad. 

I think that’s the best way to describe it.

My mom’s still consumed with healing me. She checks in constantly. She wants to know how I am, what I’m up to, if I’m feeling alright. I’m only seeing Dr. M once a week now. She keeps asking me if I need to double up on my appointments again. She keeps a list of the exercises that Dr. M wants me to try on my own. I come home every day to find reminders stuck to my mirror.

My dad, on the other hand, is trying to look beyond this. My sister explained that to me tonight when she saw us screaming at each other.

She said he wants me to feel like I have a future, like I’m moving towards something.

Of course, in his mind, college is the only acceptable path for me to take. I doubt that will ever change.

**Sincerely,  
L**

 

**Thursday, October 5, 2017 8:09 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

Have you tried telling your dad how you feel about going to college?

That was a stupid question, wasn’t it?

You don’t seem like the type to hold back that kind of information.

Forget I asked. This is what happens when I try to write to you and finish my Calculus homework at the same time.

Or, actually, don’t forget.

Have you tried telling him? I mean, really telling him. You know, with words. Calm words. 

Maybe he’d listen if you tried explaining it calmly with a plan to back it up. 

You could come up with a solid plan for what you’re going to do if you don’t go to college. Something that he can understand and accept. 

I mean, you do have a plan, right? Or, at least, some idea of what you want to do?

**Sincerely,  
E**

 

**Saturday, October 7, 2017 10:22 AM**

**Dear Friend:**

No.

No.

A world of no.

You remember when you said that you knew you’d hate going to that football thing at your school, even though you’ve never actually gone to anything like it? That’s what this is like for me.

I know what would happen if I tried talking to my dad. 

There’s no way it would end well.

For either of us.

**Sincerely,  
L**

 

**Monday, October 9, 2017 7:02 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

So, was that a no for the plan thing too? Because, not to be a nag or anything, but you should probably try to come up with one. 

If for no other reason than to pacify your parents.

You like reading, right? And you said you volunteer at the library. Maybe you should do something with that?

Except, you need to go to college to be a librarian.

So, I don’t know. Maybe you could work in a bookstore? 

Or not. It’s totally up to you.

Sorry. I should really stop sticking my nose in your business.

**Sincerely,  
E**

 

**Tuesday, October 10, 2017 3:33 AM**

**Dear Friend:**

Why are you apologizing? We’ve been over this. You don’t need to apologize to me. Not unless you do something really horrible. 

Being a friend and offering advice doesn’t count.

Besides, you’re not the only one sticking your nose in my business.

Far from it, really.

In fact, I’d say you’re the least obnoxious one at the moment. By far.

I already told you about my dad. He’s getting worse every day. It’s all he’ll talk about when he sees me. Which, thankfully, is not that often. He’s been working a lot this week.

You and Aunt J must be on the same wavelength or something. She keeps printing out information about different library science programs. 

I actually wanted to be a librarian when I was younger. Aunt J’s one and I used to think her job sounded kind of fun. She’s convinced I should follow in her footsteps. I keep telling her to stop wasting her time, but she won’t listen. 

I see your point, but I don’t think I’d like working in a bookstore. I have a feeling the store’s sales figures would rapidly decline once I was behind the register.

The truth is that I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I’ve never had that moment where something just clicks with me, where I instinctively know what I’m meant to do.

There isn’t even anything that I’m especially good at. 

My sister told me I should stop fighting this and just go to college. She thinks I’ll figure it out there.

I don’t know. I can’t picture myself fitting in anywhere in the real world. I mean, who would want to hire me? No one with any sense, that’s for sure. 

What kind of a future can I possibly have? Seriously. I have no idea. It feels like I’m staring into a black hole.

**Sincerely,  
L**

 

**Tuesday, October 10, 2017 6:33 AM**

**Dear Friend:**

****

I never realized I got so emo when I’m sleep-deprived.

Please disregard my previous message.

**Sincerely,  
L**

 

**Tuesday, October 10, 2017 4:57 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

I’ll disregard it if you want me to, but I don’t think you should.

I think you need to talk to someone about what you said. 

I know from experience that sleep-deprivation can make you face things you’d rather ignore.

**Sincerely,  
E**

 

**Saturday, October 14, 2017 11:11 AM**

**Dear Friend:**

Are you ok? Your last couple messages have left me feeling kind of worried about you.

It’s fine if you don’t want to talk or whatever you call this, but can you please let me know you’re ok?

**Sincerely,  
E**


	17. Chapter 17

“Up and at ‘em, sunshine!”

Connor grumbled under his breath and threw a pillow in the direction of his door. His face sank further into the mattress when he heard the pillow hit the wall. Apparently, Aunt Jamie was faster than he thought.

“It’s a beautiful day outside,” his aunt chirped as she pulled the shades up. Connor moaned and reached for the covers he’d kicked off mere minutes before. Jamie grabbed them too and they found themselves trapped in a quick game of tug of war. It took Jamie less than a minute to pry the bedding from his hands.

“Why are you here?” Connor rubbed his eyes as he pulled himself up to glare at his aunt.

“I’ve been summoned to come get you,” Jamie said brightly.

“Get me? For what?”

“For your sister’s concert.”

“I already told them I’m not going,” Connor snapped.

Jamie rolled his blankets up and put them at the foot of the bed before settling herself down on top of them. “I know. I heard all about what you screamed at your parents this morning.”

“Then, why-”

“Connor,” Jamie said softly. “Zoe wants you there. She’s the one who texted me.”

“Zoe texted you? Why didn’t she come ask me herself?”

“Maybe she thought you’d yell at her, like you’ve yelled at everyone else who’s tried to talk to you this week?”

“I wouldn’t-” Connor cut himself off and leaned back against his headboard. “It doesn’t matter. I’m not going. There’s no fucking way I’m going to the Homecoming game.”

“What if we just go for the concert?” Jamie suggested. “Zoe said she’s only playing in the pre-game show. We can leave as soon as it’s over.”

Connor considered the idea for a moment before shaking his head. “My mom will never go for that.”

“Let me worry about my sister,” Jamie said firmly. “I’ll make sure we get out of there quickly. Trust me, that’s the last place I want to be seen today.”

Connor’s eyes narrowed as he stared at her. “What do you mean?” 

“My class is having our fifteen-year reunion this weekend. The bleachers are bound to be packed with my classmates. I almost grabbed a disguise before I came to pick you up.”

“Knock, knock.” 

Connor’s chin jutted out at his mother’s words and he shut his eyes as the door swung open again.

“Are you-” Cynthia shook her head when she saw the state her son was in. “You’re not even dressed yet? Your father’s already in the car.”

“I’m not going!” Connor shouted. “What part of this don’t you people understand?”

It took all of Cynthia’s willpower not to recoil at his tone. “Oh, honestly, Connor, we don’t have time for this. We’re going to miss Zoe’s solo if we don’t hurry up.”

“Why don’t you go ahead?” Jamie suggested quietly. “Connor can ride with me.”

Cynthia frowned as she stared at the two of them. “Do you think you can…” Cynthia pursed her lips and looked down quickly. Her voice was barely above a whisper when she continued. “Are you sure?”

“Positive.”

Cynthia bit her lip and glanced at the door. “All right, fine. We’ll try to save seats for you.”

Connor glared at his mother’s back as she retreated from the room. Eggshells. They were all still walking on eggshells around him. He raised an eyebrow at his aunt when their eyes met. He folded his arms across his chest and waited for her next move.

“There,” Jamie beamed. Her voice was bright, but Connor could tell she wasn’t feeling nearly as certain as she was trying to appear. “One hurdle cleared. Now, I don’t have to come up with an excuse to take my car.”

“I’m not-”

“Zoe wants you there,” Jamie reminded him. “I thought you were getting along these days. Isn’t that what you were saying last week? Do you want to mess that up by skipping this?”

“She won’t notice if I’m not there,” Connor shrugged. “She’ll forget about me as soon as she starts playing.”

“That’s not true. You know-”

“I’m not going. Final answer.”

“Your friend Evan’s going.”

“What?” Connor’s head snapped up at her question. The idea of Evan going to the Homecoming game was so ludicrous that he wondered what tactic she was trying now. 

“That’s what he said yesterday, at least,” Jamie told him. “He was kind of a wreck on the floor since you weren’t there to run interference, so I had him help me put together booklets for a workshop we’re hosting tonight. I asked him about his plans for the weekend and… He can really talk when he gets going, can’t he?”

Connor nodded knowingly. “Especially when he’s nervous.”

“Well, I think it’s safe to say he had a slight case of the nerves yesterday. He kept going on about the game and how his mother and his friend Gerald-”

“Jared,” Connor corrected automatically.

“That’s the one.” Jamie snapped her fingers. “He kept saying they were forcing him to go. Apparently, Jared’s mother called his mother and they decided their families should go together. Evan didn’t seem too happy about it.”

It wasn’t hard for Connor to imagine exactly how that conversation had gone. He could practically hear Evan stammering his way through it. He could picture Jamie nodding enthusiastically as she tried to appear nonthreatening. Connor’s eyes widened as a thought popped into his head. “What does he call you?”

“What?” 

“I mean, does he call you Jamie or-”

“He doesn’t really call me anything,” Jamie said uncertainly. “I think I introduced myself as Ms. Cooper, but that was before I knew he was your friend. I guess he should call me that at the library. They’re sticklers for that sort of thing there, but outside he can-”

“No,” Connor cut in sharply. “Don’t tell him your first name.”

“What?” Jamie tilted her head in confusion. 

Connor sighed and shook his head. “It’s a long story, but he can’t find out your name is Jamie.”

“I don’t-”

“Please,” Connor begged. “It’s bad enough… I’ve-I’ve told him…”

Jamie stared at him for a moment before she reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. “What’s going on? Are you-”

Connor shook his head again and slapped her hand away. He looked down quickly to keep from seeing her expression. “We should leave now or we’ll miss the jazz band’s performance.”

“You’re going?” Jamie’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Are you…” She blinked and took a step backwards. “I mean, okay, um, great, I’ll-I’ll wait outside while you change.”

Connor glanced down at his clothes and shrugged. “I’m ready.”

“Your mother will skin me alive if I let you leave the house in your pajamas. At least, put on some jeans.”

Connor nodded vaguely and headed for his closet while she stepped out into the hall. 

He scowled at the door as it closed behind her. He couldn’t believe he’d given in that easily. Or that he’d given in at all.

Part of him wanted to lock his door and barricade himself in the room. The other part felt like he owed it to Zoe and Evan to show up. That was the part he knew was ultimately going to win out.

He knew Jamie was right about Zoe. He knew it would be a huge step back for them if he skipped her performance. 

As for Evan… Well, he didn’t know how much good it would do Evan to have him there. He didn’t plan to seek Evan out, especially not with Jamie in tow. It was the principle of the matter. He knew he was being a bad friend. He’d been ignoring Evan online and avoiding him in person all week. Forcing himself to attend the game so that Evan wouldn’t be the only miserable person there was the least he could do. 

The whole situation with Evan was bothering him more and more. He was starting to feel like he was putting too much information into his letters on YANA. There were times when he wondered if part of him wanted to be found out. He was fairly convinced that his sleep-deprived self was determined to let Evan in on the secret.

There were times when he was sure that Evan had figured it out, moments where he felt like there was no way Evan didn’t know the identity of his pen pal.

Deep down, he knew that was ridiculous though. There was no reason for him to be this paranoid. Evan probably thought he was writing to some random guy across the country, across the world even. 

For all Evan knew, he was writing to an Eskimo. That sounded about right. Evan definitely thought he was writing to a fucking Eskimo.

Connor grit his teeth and tried to silence his brain. He could hear Jamie jingling her keys impatiently. He knew they had to head out soon or there wouldn’t be any point in going at all. He grabbed a hoodie and a pair of jeans from his closet and changed into them before he could talk himself out of leaving the house. 

 

The drive to the school was quick, but the parking situation was a mess when they got there. Jamie was nearly rear-ended twice and came dangerously close to hitting a group of pedestrians that darted out in front of her.

“Not a word,” she hissed when she finished spewing profanities.

Connor could hear the musical acts warming up as he followed Jamie into the school. According to Zoe, all of the school’s musicians were supposed to participate in the pre-show. The mishmash of sounds coming from the field made it clear she hadn’t been exaggerating.

“I’m sure the actual performance will be better,” Jamie said as they hurried down the hall. Connor wasn’t sure which one of them she was trying to reassure with that statement. “Zoe said-”

“Jamie? Jamie Cooper? Is that really you?”

Connor nearly collided with his aunt when she came to a sudden stop. He saw a quick look of terror cross her face before she turned around to face the person calling after her.

“It is you!” 

Connor squinted as a blonde woman dressed entirely in the school colors of blue and silver came barreling down the hall towards them.

“It’s Amy. Amy Beckett,” the woman squealed excitedly. “Well, Amy Henderson now.” She stuck out her hand so that they could see her wedding ring. “I can’t believe you came! It’s been forever since we’ve seen you!”

“Uh-” Jamie opened and closed her mouth several times, but no further sounds came out. 

“Look at you!” Amy grinned as she circled Jamie. “You look exactly the same. I can’t believe it. You haven’t aged at all.”

“Thanks?” Jamie finally managed to squeak. Her eyes widened as she turned to stare at Connor. “We, uh, we better hurry up and head outside. My nephew’s a senior here and I don’t want him to miss the game.”

“This is your nephew?” Amy exclaimed. “I didn’t know Cynthia had a son.” Her eyes narrowed as she quickly appraised Connor. There was a glint in her eyes when she turned to face Jamie again. “Did your sister tell you we’re in the same book club? I met your niece – Zoe, was it? – when Cynthia hosted last spring. Such a lovely girl, just like her mother.”

“She is. Lovely, I mean. Don’t let her hear you say she’s just like her mother though.” Both women laughed weakly. “She’s playing today, actually. Not in the game. She’s playing with the jazz band. So, we’d really better hurry if we’re going to make it out there before the concert starts.”

“Oh, of course, go, go,” Amy said dismissively. “But, before you do, let me give you the schedule for tonight. I sent it to everyone earlier this week, but I didn’t have your email address. I should have a printed out copy in here somewhere.” Amy stuck her hand in her tote bag and started rifling around.

“That’s really not-”

“Here we go,” Amy said triumphantly. She handed a paper to Jamie and pointed to a line at the top. “We’re all meeting here at seven. We’re going to gather in Emily’s garden and have a little service, I guess you’d call it.”

“Oh,” Jamie inhaled sharply.

“I’m glad I ran into you, actually. Molly and I were just saying it was a shame we couldn’t get ahold of you. Molly’s putting a slide show together for the service. You don’t have any old pictures of Emily laying around, do you? We have grades seven through twelve pretty well-covered, but everything before that is missing.”

“I, um, I’m not sure,” Jamie said hesitantly. 

“Here’s my cell.” Amy quickly scrawled her number on the top of the sheet. “Send me anything you’ve got. If I get it by six, we should be able to add it to the presentation.”

“Okay, uh, sure, I’ll see what I can do,” Jamie agreed quietly. Her hands started twitching as she stared blankly at the paper in her hands. 

“Aunt Jamie?” Connor nodded in the direction of the field. He could hear the marching band starting up as the crowd began to cheer.

“The concert!” Jamie hissed. “Right. Let’s go.”

Jamie shoved the paper in her purse as she led the way outside. 

“You knew her?” Connor asked curiously.

“What?” Jamie blinked at him. “Amy? Yeah, I knew her.”

There was something about his aunt’s tone that made Connor think there was a story there. That wasn’t the subject he was interested in hearing about just then though.

“No, I mean, Emily O’Connell. You knew her?”

Jamie froze in her tracks. “How do you know that name?”

“Evan and I eat lunch in the memorial garden,” Connor explained.

“Oh.” Jamie swung her arms restlessly. 

“What was she like?” Connor didn’t have to look at his aunt to know that she was staring at him oddly. “Evan’s really curious about her. He has this whole theory about how she was probably the meanest girl in school, but people don’t like to speak ill of the dead, so they glossed over all her flaws when the reporters interviewed them.”

Jamie looked down quickly while she tried to compose herself. “Oh, well, that’s-that’s not true. At all.” Jamie bit her lip as her eyes darted sideways. “Emily and I were friends growing up. She lived down the street from me. We were inseparable when we were kids. She, um, she moved when we were twelve. I didn’t see her much after that. We didn’t go to school together again until high school and by then… Well, she was popular and I wasn’t.”

Jamie cleared her throat and flexed her hands. “She was always nice to me though. We didn’t travel in the same circles during high school. I mean, I was pretty much off in my own orbit by that point. She always made a point of saying hi to me when our paths crossed though and the other kids knew not to say anything bad about me when she was around.” 

Connor didn’t know what to say to that, so he merely nodded and they continued on in silence. Connor half-expected his aunt to launch into a long, rambling tale about her childhood friend, but she seemed to be too caught up in her thoughts to say them out loud. 

The loudspeaker crackled as the principal announced that the glee club was up next. There was a high-pitched squealing sound before a group of singers started performing a song from _Grease_. 

“Do you want to sit down?” Connor asked after they purchased their tickets. The stands were packed, but he could see a few empty spots near the top. 

“No,” Jamie shook her head. “We’re leaving as soon as the jazz band’s done, right?”

“Yeah,” Connor replied tentatively. He knew that had been the plan, but he hadn’t really expected his aunt to follow it.

“Then, let’s just stand over there.” Jamie gestured to a spot by the stairs.

“Should we look for my parents?”

“I’ll text your mom that we’re here,” Jamie decided. 

Connor glanced around while she pulled out her phone. There were dozens of people near them, but he didn’t recognize any of them. Most of the people attending the game looked like they had graduated decades before.

His eyes finally landed on two familiar faces sitting in the last row. Evan was sandwiched between Jared and a woman that Connor assumed was Evan’s mother. The woman (Mrs. Hansen?) was looking down while she had what appeared to be a rather tense conversation with someone on her phone. Connor watched as she reached up and stroked Evan’s arm. Evan jumped at the touch and blinked around at his surroundings like he wasn’t entirely sure why he was there.

“Okay,” Jamie said as she stuck her phone back in her purse. “I told your mother we’re leaving after Zoe’s performance because I have to finish setting up for the workshop tonight.”

Connor nodded and turned his attention back to the field. The glee club sounded like they were almost done. He could see the jazz band lining up in the background. It only took him a second to spot Zoe. She was standing in the middle of the pack, giggling with another girl while they watched the glee club spin around the field.

The principal introduced the jazz band as soon as the singers made their exit. Zoe and her bandmates set up their chairs in a semi-circle and sat down to play.

The jazz band’s performance was very subdued, especially compared to what had come before them. Connor had to lean forward in order to hear every note. It took all of his willpower not to order the people in front of them to shut up.

Zoe’s solo concluded the set. Connor joined in as the audience applauded. Jamie let out a shrill whistle and yelled, “Yay, Zoe!”

Zoe looked up in surprise and waved in their direction as she followed the group off the field. 

“I didn’t know she could play like that,” Connor said quietly.

“You’ve never been to any of her concerts?”

“Not really,” Connor said sheepishly.

Jamie nodded knowingly. She reached into her purse and dug out her keys. “So, shall we?”

Connor looked down at the field and watched as Zoe and her bandmates packed up their instruments. His eyes then flickered towards the top of the stands. He did a double take when he saw that Evan’s mother was gone.

He felt a chill run down his spine when he saw Evan’s expression. Even from his spot below, he could tell that Evan was barely holding it together. He watched as Jared elbowed Evan and made a comment that caused Evan to look slightly seasick. 

“I think I’ll stay, actually,” Connor decided.

Jamie’s eyes followed his gaze until they landed on Evan. “Okay. I’ll let your mom know about the change of plans.”

Her phone was out before Connor could respond. He supposed he shouldn’t be surprised that she was keeping his parents in the loop. Even his aunt knew better than to leave him totally unsupervised.

“I’ll see you Monday, right?” Jamie asked as she turned to go.

Connor assured her that she would before he started up the stairs. He could feel Jamie’s eyes boring into his back until he reached Evan’s row. 

“Is this seat taken?”

Evan started so violently at the sound of Connor’s voice that he nearly landed on top of Jared.

Jared rolled his eyes and pushed Evan off of him. Connor could practically see the wheels turning in Jared’s mind. He could only imagine the kinds of things Jared would have said if his parents weren’t sitting next to him.

Connor hesitated a moment before deciding just to sit down. It was becoming increasingly clear he wouldn’t be getting an answer. 

Jared eyed him for a moment before hastily introducing Connor to his parents. The Kleinmans greeted him politely and turned their attention back to the field.

Connor pushed a strand of hair behind his ear and stretched his legs out as far as he possibly could. He kept his eyes glued to the field, but he watched the others out of the corner of his eye. He could tell that Evan was determined not to look in his direction while Jared was making it a point to glare at him every few seconds.

He supposed that was fair. He had yelled at them the one and only time he’d bothered talking to them that week. Connor knew he owed them both an apology, but he wasn’t sure how to start it. He also knew that Jared’s restraint had its limits and he suspected it would be tested if he brought up their argument.

“Scoot over.”

Connor tilted his head to squint at Zoe as she stared down at him. “What?”

“Scoot over,” Zoe repeated sharply. “Or else I’m climbing over you to sit next to Evan.”

“Are you…” Connor cut himself off before he could ask whether she was there to babysit him.

Zoe shook her head. “Mom called me, but I told her I was going to sit with the jazz band. It turned out there wasn’t enough space down there though.”

“So, we’re your last resort since you can’t sit with your real friends?”

“Connor,” Zoe whined. “Stop being a jerk and move down. There’s plenty of room.”

Connor sighed and scooted over just enough that she could squeeze onto the edge of the bench. He shifted his legs so that they were touching hers. He had a feeling Evan would panic if he moved his body the other way.

“There, that wasn’t so hard, was it?”

Connor was spared from having to answer her because Jared spoke up then to introduce his parents. Zoe automatically reached out to shake their hands. Connor cursed internally as he watched the Kleinmans smile at her. She really was the lovely Murphy sibling.

“You guys sounded awesome today,” Jared told her.

“Thanks,” Zoe beamed. “We’ve been practicing like crazy lately.”

Jared’s parents leaned forward to ask about her part in the concert. Zoe eagerly told them all about the jazz band and how insane things were in the backstage area that day. She managed to crack everyone up as she talked about the violinist who nearly took out someone’s eye with his bow when he was warming up.

The chatter kept up as the game went on. Mr. Kleinman was the only one who seemed to be fully invested in what was happening below. Jared occasionally joined in when his father stood up to cheer or jeer, but then he sat down looking more than a little confused.

Zoe and Mrs. Kleinman carried the bulk of the conversation. Zoe eventually climbed over the boys so that she could sit next to Jared’s mother. They talked about everything from the glee club’s performance to the unseasonably warm weather they’d been experiencing.

They were discussing a reality show that they both liked when the game finally ended. Zoe frowned as she looked around at the people standing up. “Is it over? Did we win?”

“That was a close one,” Mr. Kleinman sighed and stretched his arms above his head. “Maybe next time.”

“Are you sure you’re okay taking the bus?” Mrs. Kleinman asked Evan as they joined the queue of people trying to leave. “We can take you as far as Church Street, but then we have to get on the highway if we’re going to make it to my mother’s for dinner.”

“Do you need a ride, Evan?” Zoe chimed in. “We can take you.”

“Oh!” Mrs. Kleinman exclaimed. “That would be wonderful. His mother had to leave and, well, ordinarily it wouldn’t be a problem for us to drop him off, but we really must get going.”

“It’s no problem,” Zoe assured her. “I’m parked in the student lot. I actually got a spot since I was here so early.”

Zoe’s phone rang when they reached the bottom of the stairs. She glanced at it quickly and held up a finger to tell Connor and Evan to hold on. The three of them moved to the side and waved goodbye to Jared and his family. 

“Hey, Mom,” Zoe answered. “Yeah… No, it’s okay. I’m with Connor and Evan now… Yeah, Evan’s still with us. We’re going to drop him off on our way home … Um, I don’t know… I can ask, I guess…”

Zoe covered the phone with her hand and turned to face Evan. “My mom wants to know if you’d like to come over for dinner.”

“Wh-what?” Evan stammered. His eyes bulged as he glanced around nervously. “Um. Sure. I guess. I mean-”

“He said yes,” Zoe quickly said into the phone. “Okay… Yeah, we’ll see you in a bit.”

She hung up and put the phone back in her jacket pocket. “You just made my mom’s day.”

Evan breathed in harshly. “Um, well, actually, I-I don’t know if I can-”

“You can’t stay for dinner?” Zoe frowned.

“No, I mean, yes, I mean-”

“Do you have plans?” Zoe demanded.

“No, not-not really” Evan whispered. His hands twitched against his thighs and he rocked back on his heels.

“Aren’t you going to the dance tonight?” Connor asked his sister. Evan gave him a quick, grateful look before staring down at his shoes.

“What? No, I’m definitely not going to that.” Zoe’s nose crinkled at the suggestion. 

“I thought you were on the homecoming committee,” Connor pointed out.

“Were being the operative word,” Zoe huffed. “I quit weeks ago.”

“You did?” Connor stared at his sister curiously. Six months ago, this type of news wouldn’t have phased him at all. Now, it seemed strange to think that there were still things going on with her that he didn’t know anything about.

“Yeah, right after Nicole and I had our fight.”

“Nicole? Isn’t she-”

“Can we go please?” Zoe bit her lip as she looked around at the people passing by. “I’d rather not discuss this here, okay?”

Connor nodded slowly and the three of them rejoined the crowd that was heading towards the parking lot.


	18. Chapter 18

“So, what happened with Nicole?” Connor asked before they’d finished buckling their seatbelts.

“Why do you care so much about this? Do you even know who Nicole is?” Zoe demanded. She turned the car on and smacked Connor’s hand away from the radio dial. “Driver controls the music!”

“What if the driver’s outnumbered? Evan doesn’t want to listen to this crap.” Connor smirked as he caught Evan’s eye in the rearview mirror.

“I’m sure Evan doesn’t share your hatred of all things Adele,” Zoe countered. “Do you, Evan?”

“I, uh-” Evan began shakily. He stared down at his hands as they twisted around in his lap.

“You’re making him nervous,” Connor said accusingly. 

“Me? I’m not the one who-”

“What happened with Nicole?” Connor asked again.

“Ugh!” Zoe honked the horn as someone cut her off. “Idiot!”

“Do you want me to drive?” Connor offered.

“No!” Zoe hissed. “I just wish people would learn proper parking lot etiquette.”

“You didn’t have your signal on,” Connor pointed out.

Zoe made a face at him and dramatically flicked the turn signal as she pulled up to a stop sign.

“So, you and Nicole-”

“Who’s Nicole?” Evan wondered. He slumped down in his seat when he realized that his curiosity had gotten the better of him and he’d asked his question out loud. 

“She’s been Zoe’s best friend since we were kids,” Connor told him.

“How did you know that?” Zoe’s eyebrows shot up as she quickly glanced at him. “I didn’t think you knew anything about Nicole until this year.”

“I’ve known the name for years. She’s been featured in all the stories you’ve been telling Mom and Dad since we were in elementary school.”

“Oh,” Zoe said quietly. “I didn’t realize you were listening to those.”

“Yeah, well, it’s pretty much impossible to tune you out when you get going. Your voice really carries.”

“Shut up,” Zoe snapped. The car suddenly darted across two lanes and she slammed on the brakes as she joined the line of vehicles waiting to turn onto Kennel Avenue.

Evan tugged on his seatbelt to make sure that it felt secure. Connor grinned as he caught Evan’s eye again, but didn’t say anything.

“Seriously though, what happened-”

“We had a fight,” Zoe shrugged. “A bad one. A potentially friendship-ruining one, okay? Are you happy now?”

“No,” Connor shook his head. “That really sucks.”

“Yeah, it really does,” Zoe agreed. 

“What did you fight about?” Connor wondered.

Zoe’s cheeks turned pink and she chewed on her lip for a moment. “Nothing. It was stupid.”

“Nothing? You had a potentially friendship-ruining fight over something stupid?”

“Yup,” Zoe nodded.

Connor tilted his head as he stared at her. “So, when you say nothing, you mean me, right? Because that’s how I’m interpreting this.”

Zoe tightened her grip on the steering wheel until her knuckles turned white. She let out a breath and looked up at the rearview mirror. “Hey, Evan, last chance to back out. I have to turn at the next light if we’re going to drop you off.”

“Oh, uh-”

“I mean, you’ll totally crush our mom if you don’t show up, but that’s okay. We can tell her you already had plans or whatever. So, no pressure.”

Evan dug his nails into the palms of his hands as he quickly considered his options. No pressure. Easy for her to say.

“Just know that she’s not going to give up easily,” Zoe continued. “She’s hell-bent on meeting Connor’s new friend.”

“She is?” Connor looked at Zoe in alarm.

“Um, yeah,” Zoe laughed uncomfortably. “She hasn’t stopped asking me about him since we had dinner at Evan’s house.”

“What have you been saying to her?” Connor demanded.

“Nothing bad,” Zoe said defensively. “I mean, there really isn’t anything bad I could say about Evan.” She smiled as she caught Evan’s eye in the mirror. Evan broke the stare quickly and looked down as he tried to ignore the pounding in his chest.

“So, I guess you’re coming for dinner, then?” Zoe pointed at the traffic light above them. 

“Uh-” Evan blinked as he realized that they’d just passed the turn.

“We can still make a U-turn,” Connor offered gently.

“Uh, no,” Zoe snapped. “I’m not doing that in this kind of traffic. I will go around the block though, if you really want to go home, Evan.”

“No, no, it’s fine,” Evan decided. “I’ll-I’ll come for dinner.”

“You sure?” Connor turned around to look him.

“Yeah,” Evan said slowly. “I mean, I don’t really have plans, I guess. I was just going to have cereal for dinner and we’re actually out of milk, so you’re saving me from eating dry Cheerios.”

“I wouldn’t thank us yet,” Zoe told him. “Mom’s on a health kick, so we’re probably having something disgustingly nutritious for dinner.”

A barking laugh escaped from Evan and he looked down quickly as his cheeks turned red.

“She’s not joking, just so you know,” Connor said. 

“I’ll consider myself warned,” Evan nodded gravely.

Zoe started humming along to the music. She glared at Connor when he rolled his eyes at her. “What? _Rolling in the Deep_ is a classic.”

“Can you work some of your Zoe magic and get Mom to let me drive again?”

“Zoe magic? Really?”

“What else would you call it?”

“How about being a decent person who actually treats her parents with respect?”

“Well, that’s out then.”

“Connor-”

“Don’t.”

Zoe pursed her lips and shifted in her seat. “I’m just saying, maybe if you-”

“Don’t.” 

“Fine,” Zoe snapped. She hit a button on the steering wheel and the CD’s volume went up several notches. 

“Really mature!” Connor shouted over the music. He pressed his forehead against the window and closed his eyes.

Zoe turned the volume back down when the song was over. She looked at Evan in the mirror and asked, “Hey, Evan, are you Jewish?”

“What?” Evan blinked up at her.

“Connor said you were fasting before we went to your house. That was for Yom Kippur, wasn’t it?”

Evan nodded slightly. His head tilted as he waited to see where she was going with this.

“I was just thinking, don’t Jewish people have special diets? Maybe we can convince Mom that you can’t eat whatever she’s made and get her to order a pizza instead.”

“I don’t keep kosher, if that’s what you mean,” Evan said uncertainly. “I’m actually only half-Jewish or quarter, technically. My dad, um, he’s Methodist, I think. Or possibly Lutheran. I don’t know. My mom’s half-Jewish, half-Catholic, so that’s pretty much what I am.”

“Oh.” Zoe sounded so disappointed that Evan briefly considered going along with her idea. He didn’t think he could pull it off though. He knew he’d crack the second Mrs. Murphy questioned him about his so-called diet.

“We’re here,” Zoe announced as the car came to a stop.

Evan’s eyes darted around as he took in his surroundings. He wasn’t surprised by the size of the house or the quality of the cars parked in front of it. He hadn’t spent a lot of time imagining what the Murphys’ home looked like, but, if he had, he would have pictured a lavish house with an immaculate lawn and an ornate garden. He wouldn’t have been disappointed. 

“You have got to be kidding me,” Zoe mumbled as she climbed out of the car.

Evan followed her gaze and watched as two girls he vaguely recognized from school got out of a car and walked over to them.

“Maya, Jenny,” Zoe greeted coldly. Her eyes narrowed as they drew closer.

“Zoe,” the girl on the left started. “We’ve been trying to call you all-”

“Connor,” Zoe turned to face her brother. “You guys can head inside.”

“You sure?” Connor looked the girls up and down. The one on the right recoiled at his stare.

“Yeah,” Zoe nodded. “Tell Mom I’ll be in in a minute. This won’t take long.”

Evan looked over his shoulder once as he followed Connor up to the house. He watched Zoe cross her arms over her chest as she listened to whatever the other girls were saying. He couldn’t hear their voices, but he had a feeling it wasn’t a particularly pleasant conversation.

An outside light came on when they reached the top of the stairs. Evan blinked as his eyes adjusted to it. He stumbled backwards and grabbed onto the railing as his heart began to speed up.

“You okay?” Connor asked. 

“Yeah,” Evan muttered. The panic was setting in again. He suddenly felt incredibly stupid for agreeing to this. “I just… I, um, I… I don’t make the best, um, the best first impression. I don’t want-”

“Would you relax?” Connor stepped back down and put a hand on Evan’s shoulder. He quickly dropped it when Evan glanced at his arm. “My parents are going to love you.”

“N-no, they-”

“Seriously, just the fact that you exist, that you put up with me,” Connor grinned ruefully. “That pretty much makes you a saint in their book.”

“I, um, I didn’t think of it like that.”

“Well, you wouldn’t,” Connor retorted. He cleared his throat and looked down quickly before continuing, “Look, I’m fucking awful at apologies, but I owe you one. I shouldn’t gone off on you guys the other day. That was a really shitty thing for me to do.”

“You were mad,” Evan shrugged. He tried to keep his voice calm, but he could hear a slight tremor in his tone. “It happens.”

“It shouldn’t, not like that,” Connor insisted. “I’m, well, I’m working on it, you know. I shouldn’t have yelled at you guys for having an inside joke.”

“We weren’t laughing at you,” Evan told him. “It’s just-”

“No, I get it,” Connor cut him off. “You don’t have to explain.”

The door swung open before Evan could respond. He blinked up at the figure standing above them.

“I thought I heard voices!” Cynthia exclaimed. She beckoned them to come inside. “Did I see Jenny and Maya pull up a few minutes ago? I hope they’re not staying for dinner too. I don’t think I made enough.”

“I don’t think you have to worry about that,” Connor said as she shut the door behind them.

Cynthia nodded vaguely before turning to face Evan. A grin spread across her face as she looked at him. “You must be Evan! It’s so good to finally meet you.”

Evan automatically glanced at Connor, who smirked in what Evan thought was meant to be an encouraging way, before reaching out to shake Mrs. Murphy’s hand. “Nice to meet you.”

Evan resisted the urge to wipe his hand on his pants when she let go. That didn’t stop him from worrying about how sweaty it may or may not have been though.

“It’s just the four of us for dinner,” Cynthia told them. “I’m afraid Larry had to go deal with a work emergency.”

“On a Saturday night?” Connor asked skeptically.

“Connor,” Cynthia said warningly. “Your father is a very busy man.” She shook her head to clear it and gestured at the living room. “Come sit down. Dinner will be ready soon. We’re having whole wheat pasta with zucchini and mushrooms. I hope that’s all right.”

It took Evan a second to realize that she was watching him anxiously. He nodded and told her that it sounded great. 

They had just started towards the living room when the front door opened and Zoe hurried inside.

“Mom!” Zoe cried. 

“Zoe?” Cynthia looked at her daughter in alarm.

“I can’t believe you! I told you I didn’t want to do anything for my birthday and then you went and called…” Zoe shook her head as her voice trailed off. She rocked back and forth on her heels and mumbled something incoherent under her breath.

“Connor, why don’t you go show Evan the upstairs?” Cynthia suggested softly. “Zoe, let’s go talk in the kitchen.”

“A spa day? Really? You thought it would be a good idea just to go and-”

“Zoe, please, we have company.”

Zoe looked at the boys quickly before rolling her eyes and storming into the kitchen.

“Dinner will be ready in ten minutes,” Cynthia said as she scurried after Zoe.

The room felt empty when they were gone. Huge and quiet and almost scarily empty. Evan played with the bottom of his shirt as he looked around. They were standing at the foot of the stairs. He could see there were at least two levels above them. The living room was to his right and a room that he assumed was the kitchen to his left. There were also several closed doors straight ahead. Evan didn’t think it was an exaggeration to say that two houses on his block could easily fit inside the Murphys’ home.

“Come on,” Connor nodded towards the stairs. “My room’s upstairs.”

Evan followed him up the stairs and down the hall. Most of the doors they passed were closed, but the one that he assumed belonged to Zoe was half-open. He caught a quick glimpse of purple walls and turquoise linens.

Connor opened his door and flicked the light on. Evan blinked in surprise as he took it in. He didn’t know what he’d been expecting (black walls? posters of deathrockers? a disemboweled corpse?), but this definitely wasn’t it. The room was almost completely devoid of any kind of personality. The walls were blue, so were the blankets and sheets. The only artwork was a large painting of a sailboat. There was a desk positioned across from the bed. It was almost entirely covered in notepads and papers. Evan could see their Environmental Science textbook peeking out from under Connor’s laptop. 

“It’s very…” Evan started. His mouth twisted to the side and he ran a hand through his hair when he realized he couldn’t think of anything nice to say.

“Blue,” Connor filled in.

“Yeah,” Evan laughed.

“My mom had it redone last spring. Someone told her blue is supposed to be a soothing color.”

“I like blue,” Evan said lightly.

“This much?” Connor asked. He gestured around the room.

“Uh,” Evan blinked anxiously.

“No one likes blue this much,” Connor insisted.

Evan nodded uncomfortably. “Um, is there a bathroom up here?” 

Connor pointed to a door behind them. “In there.”

Evan nodded briskly and ducked inside. He tried not to think about the fact that Connor was right outside the door and that every sound he made seemed to be magnified. 

He took his time washing his hands. There was something comforting about the water and the movements involved. He stared at his reflection and tried to steady his breathing. He wasn’t panicking, not completely at least. He just felt a bit on edge, like he couldn’t really be at ease.

It took him a second to notice it. There was a post-it stuck to the medicine cabinet. Evan did a double take when he read it.

_Count to ten before reacting._

Evan reached up to touch it. He wasn’t sure why. It was like his arm suddenly had a mind of its own.

It fell into the sink the moment his fingers made contact. Evan cursed and scooped it up, but it was too late. The paper was a soggy mess and the words were smeared. He shook it out and clutched it between his fingers as he headed back into Connor’s bedroom.

“Sorry. This, um, this fell while I was washing my hands,” Evan said sheepishly. He carefully handed it over.

Connor frowned as he looked at the post-it. He crumpled it up and tossed it into his trashcan. “It’s fine. It’s just a stupid note from my mom.”

“Oh,” Evan nodded.

“She leaves them for me all the time,” Connor went on. “She thinks it helps.”

“Oh,” Evan said again. He looked around uncertainly. He didn’t know what to say or where to go. The room wasn’t exactly designed for company. Connor was sitting at his desk and there weren’t any other chairs to be seen. Not even a beanbag one, like the chair in Jared’s room.

“You can sit on my bed,” Connor told him. “You won’t get a STD, I swear.”

Evan’s eyes widened at his words, but he quickly plopped himself down by the foot of the bed. “I don’t think that’s how it works.”

Connor laughed shortly. “I don’t know. Probably not. I’m pretty sure I was high when we covered that topic in health class.”

Evan gestured at his desk. “Are you working on your paper for Environmental Science?”

“I started it last night,” Connor said stiffly. 

“I finished mine a couple days ago. Do you need any help?”

“I think I can manage on my own.”

“Okay,” Evan nodded swiftly. “It’s just, well, I was thinking about how Jared used to only want to hang out whenever he had a math test coming up and so I-”

“Thought I’m hanging out with you to help boost my science grade?”

“That was one explanation,” Evan mumbled. He stared down at his lap when Connor narrowed his eyes at him.

“What were your other explanations?”

“What?” 

“You said that was one explanation. What were the other ones you came up with?”

“Uh.” Evan swallowed harshly. It felt like his heart had been replaced by a pound of lead that was trying to break out of his chest. “I, um, I haven’t really thought about it that much. I-I just saw your textbook there and I don’t know… It all suddenly made sense.”

“I started hanging out with you because my therapist suggested it.”

Evan’s head flew back up. “Your therapist told you to hang out with me?”

“He told me I should work on making friends. He’s very into that idea.”

Evan nodded numbly. Part of him wanted to ask why Connor had singled him out, but he was fairly certain he already knew the answer. Out of everyone they knew at school, he was by far the least likely to rudely rebuff Connor’s attempts at making friends.

“You don’t seem surprised that I have a therapist,” Connor observed. There was something different about his tone. It almost sounded cautious.

“No, I mean, well, I kind of figured-” Evan’s mouth snapped shut as his brain caught up with it.

“You figured I was in therapy?”

“You, um, you knew what my print-out from YANA was. I, uh, kind of, um, thought you might use it too.” The last part tumbled out of Evan so quickly that he found himself hoping that Connor hadn’t understood him. The spark in Connor’s eyes made it immediately clear that that wasn’t the case.

Connor didn’t say anything for a minute. An entire minute. Evan watched the seconds tick by as he stared at the antique clock on Connor’s bureau. He somehow managed to resist the urge to amend what he had said, to try and make it better. He knew no good could come from that.

“I don’t use it,” Connor finally said.

Evan’s eyes quickly darted from the clock to Connor. “Oh. Okay.”

“My therapist showed it to me during one of our sessions. He thought it might help me, but I refused to use it.”

Evan bit his lip and nodded slightly. His mind felt completely blank. He wasn’t used to talking about things like this with anyone besides his mother and Dr. Sherman. And L, he supposed, except that was different. He could take his time writing to L and revise his letters as many times as he wanted. He still liked to edit them before hitting send, no matter how many times Dr. Sherman told him to stop doing that.

“Does it help you?” Connor asked curiously.

“Yeah,” Evan said quietly. “It actually does.”

Connor didn’t respond. He simply sat there, twirling one of the strings on his hoodie around his finger. 

“It’s funny,” Evan continued. “My, um, my pen pal on YANA said his mom leaves notes on his mirror too. It must be a pretty common thing that therapists suggest doing. I’m actually kind of surprised my mom hasn’t tried it. I guess she doesn’t have time.”

Connor stared at him for a beat before spinning around in his chair and standing up. “Speaking of time, I think that was more than ten minutes. We should head back down.”

Zoe was halfway up the stairs when they reached the landing. She looked over her shoulder quickly before hissing, “Don’t leave me alone with her again. I cannot be held responsible for anything I do to her tonight!” 

“That doesn’t sound like someone who treats her parents with respect,” Connor said. He shook his head sadly and clucked his tongue at her.

“Oh, shut up!” Zoe snapped. She covered her mouth with her hand when she realized how loud her voice had been.

“Zoe?” Cynthia called from the dining room. “Did you find them?”

“We’ll be right there!” Zoe called back. “Seriously-”

“Consider us your shadows for the rest of the night.”

“Thank you.” Zoe bowed her head gratefully. 

The siblings continued to whisper to each other as they made their way down the stairs. Evan hung back to give them their privacy, though he realized it didn’t seem to be necessary since Zoe kept refusing to tell Connor exactly why she was mad at their mother.

Evan’s phone buzzed when he reached the bottom of the stairs. He pulled it out of his pocket and read a text from his mother.

“Everything okay?” Zoe wondered. Evan looked up to see that both Murphy siblings were staring at him with identical concerned expressions.

“Yeah, it’s my mom. She got off work early and was wondering where I am.”

“Oh,” Zoe nodded. “Do you have to go home?”

_At Connor’s._ Evan quickly wrote back. His phone buzzed again immediately, but he ignored it and put it back in his pocket.

“No, it’s fine. I can stay.”


	19. Chapter 19

**Sunday, October 15, 2017 4:38 AM**

**Dear Friend:**

Ok, so, I’m a jerk. You already knew that, right? If not, lesson learned, I guess.

I’m sorry if I scared you. I know I’ve said that before. I meant it then and I mean it now and I’m sure I’ll mean it the next time I disappear.

At least, this absence was short compared to last time. Does that earn me any points?

I’ve been looking back at my previous messages and I get why they freaked you out.

Things have been kind of rough lately. 

I know this message is going to get flagged, but I don’t care. I feel like you deserve to know what’s been going through my mind.

Besides, it’ll give Dr. M something new to talk to me about. I don’t know how much more we can cover in the area of anger management.

You asked me once whether I still wanted to kill myself. Well, I’ve been asking myself that a lot lately.

Sometimes, the answer’s a definite no. Other times, I feel less certain. 

When I tried last spring, I’d been thinking about it almost non-stop for weeks. I had reached a point where it felt like I had nothing good in my life. I hated myself. I hated every single part of myself. I couldn’t imagine things ever getting better. I felt like the world and everyone in it would be better off if I removed myself from the equation. 

Things are better now than they were last spring. I wouldn’t say that I like myself, but it’s been a while since I felt the overwhelming sense of hatred that I did then. I get along with my sister now, for the most part. My mom is trying to be there for me, even if she drives me kind of crazy. My dad is trying too in his own, mostly ineffective way. I can see that I have people in my life now that care about me. I know it would upset them if something happened to me and I’ve come to realize that I actually don’t want to cause them more pain than I already have.

I’m doing ok in school so far. Despite what some people may think, I’ve never been a horrible student. I’ve always managed to pass my classes, at least. I mean, a D is still a passing grade, right? I should definitely be able to graduate this year. My guidance counselor even thinks I could get into college if I wanted. She dragged me in to see her last week at my parents’ request. She thinks my grades (despite being mediocre, at best) combined with my surprisingly solid SAT scores would be enough to get me into some of the local schools. 

Because, of course, my parents have decided they don’t think it would be wise to send me somewhere that’s not within driving distance.

I’m still not sure about this whole college thing, but I’ll admit I’ve been giving it a lot of thought recently. I feel like everything’s almost ok right now, like I can actually handle the present. It’s the future that worries me, that makes me wonder if I should keep going. 

On the bright side, everything feels different now than it did last spring. I don’t know if it’s the therapy or the breathing exercises or my newfound sobriety, but I’m calmer than I used to be. The one thing I know for certain is that these letters have definitely helped with that.

Part of the problem is that I can’t silence my thoughts. I’m not used to being trapped in my own mind all the time. I used to be able to numb myself by getting high. Or I’d let myself unleash all of my anger, all of my negativity onto someone else and it would disappear. I still get angry sometimes, but I think I’ve developed a conscience or something because I almost always feel bad about it afterwards.

If I stayed up all night like this last year, you can be sure it wasn’t because I was analyzing my thoughts and trying to understand my actions.

Maybe I should go to college and major in Psychology. Wouldn’t that be fitting? What do you think, Dr. M? If you’re reading this, we can discuss it at my appointment next week.

The one good thing about college is that it would be a way of delaying the inevitable. It would give me another four years to try and sort myself out. 

That might be reason enough for me to start applying.

**Sincerely,  
L**

 

**Sunday, October 15, 2017 12:12 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

Ok, first of all, this whole disappearing thing has to stop. Especially when you go all emo on me like you did last week. 

If you don’t respond to this message in a timely manner, I’ll… 

I don’t know. I really can’t think of an appropriate threat to put in there.

I’ll do something though and you won’t like it!

I’m glad you’re ok, by the way. 

Please stay ok.

I kind of hope Dr. M sees your message because he’ll know the best way to help you work through this. I don’t want to say the wrong thing and make things worse.

I will say I get where you’re coming from though. I’ve been there too. I don’t ever want to feel that way again.

And I get what you mean about the future. The future is terrifying. Part of me thinks that things will be better in college. That’s what everyone says, right? The other part keeps imagining how much worse it’s going to be. Dr. S and I have been working on that lately. He wants me to be prepared to meet new people and explore a new environment next year.

I’m glad you’re thinking about college now. I think it might be good for you. Psychology could be an interesting subject to major in. 

Have you started looking at any particular schools yet? You said you’re going to stay local and I just realized I don’t know what local means for you. I don’t even know what state you live in. I’m not going to ask you to tell me that though because I’m pretty sure it’s against the rules for us to give out information like that. 

So, on second thought, you probably shouldn’t tell me the names of the schools you’re looking at or I’ll be tempted to google them.

I won’t tell you which ones I’m applying to either. I’ve decided I’m definitely going to stay in-state. I’ve been working on my essays a lot lately. I’m hoping to start submitting some of them by the end of this month. 

**Sincerely,  
E**

 

**Monday, October 16, 2017 8:58 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

FYI: I seriously considered not replying to you for a few days, just to see what kind of threat you’d come up with.

**Sincerely,  
L**

 

**Tuesday, October 17, 2017 4:44 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

Silent treatment.

That’s what I’ll do.

If you disappear on me again, I’ll disappear on you.

See how you like it.

**Sincerely,  
E**

 

**Wednesday, October 18, 2017 9:18 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

So, I met with Dr. M this afternoon.

We had a long talk about these messages and my future and my “insecurities.” 

His word, not mine.

I’m not going to say anything else about it because I really don’t want this message to get flagged too.

**Sincerely,  
L**

 

**Thursday, October 19, 2017 10:25 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

I hope it helped you. Talking to Dr. M, I mean.

The message I sent you before I broke my arm last summer got flagged. Dr. S was really concerned about what I wrote. 

He didn’t come out and say it, but I think he was wondering whether my accident was really an accident. 

I can’t blame him, I guess. The timing of it was suspicious. 

It helped though, talking to him about what had been going through my mind. 

I don’t know. Sometimes, it helps. Other times, it really, really doesn’t.

I’m guessing you understand what I mean.

**Sincerely,  
E**

 

**Friday, October 20, 2017 9:46 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

It’s my sister’s birthday tomorrow. My aunt took me to the mall tonight to get her a gift. It was hard. This was the first time since we were kids that I got her something other than soap. It was the first time I actually wanted to get her something she’d like.

It didn’t take me long to realize that I still have no idea what she likes. I don’t know her favorite color. I know she has really ****** taste in music, but I have no clue who her favorite singer is. I don’t know what books she likes or if she even likes to read. She’s always reading for school, but that doesn’t count. I know she was really into the Hunger Games at one point. I think that was at least three years ago though. 

I ended up getting her a pair of earrings that I thought she’d like. Then, I went home and realized why I thought she’d like them. They’re almost identical to the pair she’s been wearing all week.

Oh well. I also picked up a bar of soap for her. I mean, what kind of brother would I be if I didn’t stick to our traditions?

**Sincerely,  
L**


	20. Chapter 20

_Group Conversation Nicole (Mobile) Maya (Mobile) Jenny (Mobile) Me (Mobile)_

_Saturday 10/21_  
_Jenny 9:58 AM_  
_ugh… my parents are the worst. mom just said i have to babysit my cousin today.  
sorry, zoe. hope you have a happy birthday! _

__

__

_Maya 10:02 AM_  
_i think i have the flu. it feels like i’m dying.  
see you all monday. i hope._

_Nicole 10:05 AM  
were we doing something today? oops. i forgot._

 

Zoe’s eyes narrowed as her phone chimed for the fourth time. She nearly dropped it when she saw the image she’d been sent.

 

_Nicole 10:09 AM  
oops. didn’t mean to hit send. guess the cat’s out of the bag now…_

 

Zoe’s fingers hovered above the keyboard on her phone while she debated how to respond. She could feel the fire burning in the pit of her stomach. She longed to fight back, to say something articulate that would make them feel bad about how they were treating her. 

She typed the words ‘screw you guys,’ but erased them before she hit send. This was the kind of thing that had to be dealt with in person, she decided. 

Zoe stumbled around the room, collecting her belongings. She threw a hoodie on over her tank top and shoved her feet into the first pair of shoes she found. 

She heard footsteps behind her when she reached the front door. She turned around to see Connor standing in the doorway to the kitchen. 

“Alarm’s on.” He swallowed a spoonful of cereal as he looked her up and down. “You’re going out like that?”

Zoe gripped her purse strap a bit tighter and tried to forget about the fact that she was still wearing her pajamas with the cupcakes on them. “Why’s the alarm on? Did Mom and Dad go somewhere?”

“Dad had an early golf game and Mom had some errands to run. She set the alarm before she left. She figured it’d wake you up if I decided to make a run for it.”

“Great,” Zoe sighed. “So, they just assumed I wouldn’t mind spending my birthday babysitting you?”

“Where are you going?” Connor asked curiously. He put his bowl on the counter by the door and crossed the hall to stand next to her.

“I was going to Louie’s,” Zoe told him. “Guess I’m not now.”

“I’ll go with you, if you want,” Connor offered. “I can wait in the car or you can drop me off at the library. Aunt Jamie’s working there today.”

Zoe studied him for a second. She didn’t really want company just then and she knew their mother would be furious if she ever discovered that both of her children went out in their pajamas. She also wasn’t sure that she trusted Connor to wait in the car while she stormed the diner. Her gut told her there was at least a fifty percent chance she’d end up stranded at Louie’s if she left him alone in the car. 

Her phone buzzed again. Zoe unlocked the screen and squinted at a picture of her friends’ meals. “Yeah, okay. Let’s go.”

She ran over to the control panel for the alarm. She looked over her shoulder and asked, “They still haven’t told you the new code?”

Connor shook his head. “Nope.”

“It’s your birthday,” Zoe said hurriedly. “Don’t tell Mom I told you.”

Connor looked at her suspiciously as she locked up the house. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“Your hands are shaking. Do you want me to drive?”

“No,” Zoe snapped. “I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine.”

“I will be after I deal with my so-called friends.” Zoe slapped the door when her key stuck in the top lock. She tugged on it until it finally came out.

“Woah, okay, you are not driving like this.” 

“Hey!” Zoe cried as Connor suddenly swooped down and pried the car keys from her hand.

“So, Louie’s?” Connor beamed.

“Give those back or I’ll tell Mom you took the car without permission.”

“Then, I’ll tell her you told me the alarm code.”

“Really?” Zoe glared at him. “That’s how you want to play this? I was doing you a favor.”

“I already knew the code,” Connor shrugged. “You and Dad are really slow when you push the buttons.”

“I-” Zoe started. She closed her eyes and extended her hand. “I’m calm. See, no shaking.”

“You’re a scary driver on a good day,” Connor insisted. “I’m driving or we’re going back inside.”

“Ugh, fine,” Zoe relented. She scowled at him for a moment before striding across the lawn to their car.

Connor tried not to look smug as he climbed into the driver’s seat. “I’ll let you control the music since it’s your birthday.”

“Gee, thanks,” Zoe sneered. She studied his expression as he backed out of the driveway. “You’ve known the code all this time?”

“Pretty much,” Connor nodded.

“Have you ever snuck out?”

Connor looked at her quickly. “What?”

“I’m just curious. I won’t tell Mom, I swear.”

“No,” Connor shook his head.

“Really?” Zoe asked doubtfully. 

“Really,” Connor confirmed.

“Why not? I mean, all this time I kept thinking it was weird that you’ve been so, I don’t know, obedient, but you’ve known the code and you’ve never-”

“Obedient? What am I? A dog?”

“That’s not what I meant. I just-”

“I’ve been following their rules. Seriously.”

Zoe raised an eyebrow at him and shrugged. “Okay, if you say so.”

She leaned forward and played with the radio dials for a minute before settling on the classic rock station. 

“So, are we on some kind of revenge mission?” Connor wondered.

“Sort of,” Zoe said hesitantly. She pulled her phone out when they stopped at a red light.

Connor bent over to see the picture she was showing him. “Your friends are at Louie’s?”

“Yeah,” Zoe nodded. “We were supposed to meet there for lunch this afternoon. Then, they all texted me this morning to say they couldn’t make it.”

“Those fucking bitches,” Connor murmured.

“Yeah,” Zoe agreed. “Couldn’t have said it better myself. You know, things have been bad with us lately, but I didn’t think they’d pull something like this. I talked Mom into canceling the spa day and asked them if they’d go to lunch with me instead. I thought something lowkey would be good for us. I’ve really been making an effort this week. Nicole and I were even civil to each other during English yesterday. She actually asked me to be her discussion partner.”

“And then they all went to brunch without you,” Connor finished.

Zoe slumped down in her seat. “Happy birthday to me.”

“Why are they so mad at you? And don’t say it’s stupid.”

“It is!”

“I know it has something to do with me, so-”

“It’s not because of you, exactly. They’re jealous and confused and… I don’t know. It’s mainly Nicole. Maya and Jenny are just going along with it because she got to them first. Nicole’s pissed that I won’t tell her what happened to you last spring. She’s mad that I keep canceling plans and not telling her why.”

“You shouldn’t be doing that.”

“What? Canceling plans?”

“Yeah,” Connor said. “They’re your friends.”

“And you’re my brother.”

“Your brother who you can hardly stand.”

“That’s not true. Anymore. It’s not true anymore.”

“It was when you started though,” Connor maintained.

“Family comes before friends, especially when my friends are being stupid.”

Connor didn’t say anything for a minute. He stopped the car across the street from Louie’s and put it in park. “So, what’s the plan?” 

“Plan?” Zoe’s face scrunched up as his words sunk in.

“You have a plan, right? Or were you simply planning to storm into Louie’s looking like you just rolled out of bed?”

“Do I look that bad?” Zoe looked down at her outfit and made a face. “I’ve seen worse.”

“So-”

“I don’t have a plan, okay?” Zoe admitted. “I just had to do something. I’m so sick of this passive-aggressive crap they keep pulling. I would think you of all people would get that.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You never keep things bottled in. At least, you never used to. You used to explode any time something bothered you.”

“And look where that got me.”

“Connor-”

“I’m just saying…”

“Is that why you’ve been behaving?” Zoe asked quietly. “Why you’re not fighting back?”

“Have you been paying attention lately? I fight-”

“Okay, you fight. You yell. You don’t do everything they tell you to. But, you stay home. You don’t drive. You leave that stupid sailboat on your wall. You’ve been following their ridiculous rules.”

“So have you.”

“The rules they give me are way less ridiculous than the ones they give you.”

“You didn’t try to hang yourself last spring,” Connor pointed out.

Zoe bit her lip and leaned back in her seat. “I know, but still... I’ve been talking to Mom about easing up on you.”

“I know,” Connor nodded.

“You know?”

“I heard you the night we went to Evan’s.”

“Of course, you did,” Zoe sighed. “And that didn’t bother you?”

“That you were sticking up for me?”

“That I was butting in on your life. The old Connor would’ve told me to go to hell.”

“The old Connor would’ve used much stronger language than that.”

“So, you see my point?”

“Not at all.” 

Zoe’s lips pursed as she debated how to explain what she was thinking. Her thoughts had made perfect sense to her when she’d started voicing them, but that sense of clarity was rapidly disappearing and a pounding headache was taking its place.

Connor gestured towards Louie’s. “Isn’t that Nicole?”

Zoe’s eyes widened when she saw her friends step out of the diner. She cursed and quickly ducked down. “Did they see me?”

“No, but they saw me. I gave them the middle finger.”

Zoe laughed and squinted up at him. “Are they gone?”

“They just got in their car and… Yeah, they’re gone.”

Zoe rolled her neck and straightened herself back up. “So much for that then.”

“You would’ve regretted it,” Connor told her. “It wouldn’t have been nearly as satisfying as you expected it to be.”

“I guess,” Zoe said uncertainly. “It would’ve made me feel like I’d done something though.”

Connor tapped the steering wheel while he watched her. “Do you still want to go to Louie’s?”

“Not really,” Zoe decided. She glanced down at her phone when it chimed again. She let out a burst of laughter after she saw the message. “Nicole just asked if I put a hit out on them.”

Connor stared at her for a moment before laughing too. “You want me to play that up? I can follow them around school whenever I see them.”

“No, that’s all right,” Zoe chuckled. “We could drive down Wendover though. I bet they’re going to Millie’s Boutique now and it’ll totally freak them out if they see you go by.” 

Connor smirked as he turned the engine back on. “Sounds like a plan to me.”


	21. Chapter 21

**Sunday, October 22, 2017 8:21 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

Did your sister like the earrings? I’m sure she appreciated the thought even if she already has a pair like them. 

My grandmother used to send me a dreamcatcher for my birthday every year. I don’t know why. I honestly have no clue how she got it into her head that I like them. I have a whole box of them in my closet now. I tried hanging one above my bed once and it ended up falling on me while I was asleep. I went to school the next day with a feather in my hair. It took me over an hour to realize why people kept asking if I had a pet bird.

So, anyway, I had a point when I started that story and the point was that last year my grandmother gave me a book about trees. I already had a copy of it, but I was still really excited when I opened the gift. It meant that she had actually made an effort to learn something about me and had then chosen to put that information to use when she bought my present. 

My mom told me I should exchange the book for one I don’t already own, but I insisted on keeping it. So, I now have a copy of it at home and a copy that I keep in my locker at school. Because, in my mind, there’s absolutely nothing weird about that.

Or, actually, there probably is, but it’s not like I go around telling people that I have a tree book in my locker. I keep it at the bottom and there’s almost always something piled on top of it.

I mean, all things considered, it’s a pretty harmless thing to have around. It’s not even that embarrassing when you stop and think about it. I just have to make sure my friend J never sees it. I’ll never hear the end of it if he does.

**Sincerely,  
E**

 

**Monday, October 23, 2017 6:09 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

Don’t be embarrassed about having a tree book in your locker. That isn’t embarrassing at all. I bet you’ll find something much worse than that if you look in your friend’s locker. It’ll give you some ammunition in case he ever sees your book.

And my sister did like the earrings, actually. She was so surprised when she saw them that she hugged me. It was weird. 

Then, she saw the soap and couldn’t stop laughing.

Our mother looked like she was going to cry the whole time. In a good way, I think. 

Even Dad seemed impressed by my gift. Of course, he did ask me where I got the money for the earrings, but then my mother glared at him, so he changed his tune and said I have good taste.

So, all in all, it wasn’t a bad day. I think it’s safe to say my sister had a better birthday than I did.

**Sincerely,  
L**

 

**Tuesday, October 24, 2017 4:59 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

You were right about J having weird stuff in his locker. I hadn’t looked inside it this year since he usually tracks me down, not the other way around. Our friend C and I caught up with him before lunch today though and, well, let’s just say I’m no longer worrying about J seeing my tree book.

Are you doing anything for Halloween this year? I just realized it’s almost here. I think there’s a dance this weekend, which I will definitely not be attending, and at least one person’s throwing a party, to which I will definitely not be invited. I don’t know why I mentioned that. It’s not like I would’ve gone, even if I had been invited. 

If my mom’s home on Halloween night, we’ll stay up late watching movies (happy ones – no slasher flicks allowed) and giving out candy to the handful of trick-or-treaters that come to our door. If she’s out, I’ll probably end up watching movies (still happy ones – I can’t handle a lot of gore) in the dark and sticking a basket of candy on the porch.

**Sincerely,  
E**

 

**Wednesday, October 25, 2017 7:12 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

I used to love Halloween. It was my favorite holiday as a kid. It was way better than Thanksgiving and Christmas and Easter because it didn’t involve my entire extended family. I liked dressing up and getting candy. I even found that I could get away with growling at people if I chose my costume carefully. I was a lion when I was really young, then a werewolf, then a Dementor. That one was my favorite. I refused to speak the whole night because I didn’t want to break character.

I haven’t really done anything for Halloween in years though. I stopped trick-or-treating when I was twelve. Ever since then, I’ve just stayed home. My parents have always banned me from answering the door. I have a feeling that rule is still in place this year.

My sister’s going to a party this weekend. Our mother managed to guilt her into asking me if I want to tag along, but I declined. She didn’t press the issue. I think she was relieved that I said no.

**Sincerely,  
L**

 

**Friday, October 27, 2017 9:33 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

I think I’m dying.

Ok, that’s an exaggeration. 

Except it currently doesn’t feel like one.

Hey, committee members, if this message gets flagged, I’m not talking about suicide or anything like that here. I just have a cold. A bad one.

I’ve been running a low-grade fever since last night. My throat feels like I swallowed a bunch of knives. I’ve been coughing and sneezing and shivering like crazy. It feels like there’s an elephant sitting on my head and squeezing it.

I hate colds, in case you can’t tell. 

I stayed home from school today and slept all afternoon. I was coughing too much to sleep this morning. Or last night, for that matter.

I think I’m feeling a little better now. I can put together coherent sentences, at least. I mean, I think they’re coherent. If they’re not, ignore this message please.

I think I’m going to turn my laptop off until the fuzziness in my head goes away.

**Sincerely,  
E**


	22. Chapter 22

Evan nearly fell off the couch the first time the doorbell rang. He startled awake so violently that he had to grab onto the coffee table to keep himself from landing on the floor.

It took him a minute to fully wake up. He blinked around at his surroundings and swallowed several times. His throat felt dangerously dry. He grabbed the cup of water he’d poured earlier and downed the remainder in one gulp.

By the time the doorbell rang a second time, he was awake enough to feel annoyed.

“Mom?” he called out hoarsely. 

There was no response. “Mom? There’s someone at the door.”

A piece of paper fluttered to the floor when he stretched his arms to the side. Evan picked it up and read a hastily scribbled note explaining that his mother had been called into work unexpectedly. He crumpled it up and got off the couch just as the doorbell rang a third time. 

It was dark outside. Evan scratched his head while he tried to figure out how long he’d been asleep. He performed a quick body check as he stumbled over to the door. His head wasn’t throbbing anymore, but he still felt achy and stiff. He needed to blow his nose and it still felt like there was something stuck in his chest. His eyes weren’t as watery as before though. And his throat was more scratchy than sore. 

All in all, he thought that it was a vast improvement on the last time he’d been up.

Evan could faintly see two shadowy figures standing on his porch. They both jumped when he flicked the light on. His face scrunched up in confusion as he unlocked the door.

“Um, hi?” Evan greeted uncertainly. He sniffled loudly and pulled a tissue out of his pocket. He could feel his cheeks burning as he wiped his nose.

“You didn’t tell him we were coming over, did you?” Zoe whacked her brother’s arm.

“I did!” Connor yelped. “I texted him, like, five times.”

Evan frowned as he looked across the room. His phone was plugged in next to the couch, but he knew from experience that it was entirely possible that he had slept through whatever sounds it had made. “Sorry. I’ve, uh, I’ve been sleeping all day.”

Zoe’s eyes narrowed as she studied his face. “Wait, are you sick?” She turned around to glare at her brother. “Did you know he’s sick? Is that why you insisted on picking up soup?”

“It was your idea to get dinner on our way here,” Connor reminded her. 

Zoe shook her head as she looked between the boys. “Look at him. We should go. This was a bad idea.”

“I’m not going with you,” Connor said shortly.

“You can sit in the corner all night. I’ll tell everyone to leave you alone.”

“I’m staying in the car if you make me go.”

“Connor-”

“What’s going on?” Evan wondered. He sniffled loudly and dabbed at his nose again. 

“Zoe’s on her way to a party,” Connor informed him.

“Connor was supposed to hang out with our aunt tonight, but she canceled at the last minute,” Zoe chimed in.

“So, Mom told Zoe she had to stay home or bring me with her,” Connor explained.

“Connor isn’t exactly into the idea, as you can tell,” Zoe said pointedly. “It’s a jazz band party and he won’t know anyone, not that that matters anyway.”

Connor made a face at her. She made one in return.

“So,” Zoe continued. “Connor suggested that I drop him off here while I go to Adam’s. But, obviously that’s not going to work if you’re sick…”

“I’m not that sick,” Evan spoke up. “I mean, I was, but I feel better than I did yesterday. I think I just have a cold.”

“You sure?” Zoe tilted her head as she examined him. “Because, no offense, but you look like crap.”

“I kind of feel like crap still,” Evan admitted. “But, Connor can stay if he’s willing to risk catching my germs.”

“Better that than go to a jazz band party,” Connor declared.

Zoe rolled her eyes and looked at her watch. “Well, okay. If you’re sure, then I guess… I won’t be gone long. Two hours, tops. I’ll text you when I leave.”

“We’ll be fine,” Connor assured her.

Evan watched as they exchanged a glance. There was a whole conversation in that look. A conversation that he couldn’t follow.

“Call me if he goes anywhere or does anything,” Zoe told Evan as she reached for the door. 

Evan nodded numbly. He was suddenly struck by the idea that he may have gotten himself into something he didn’t fully understand.

“Have you eaten?” Connor asked once she was gone.

Evan shook his head. “Not recently.”

“We stopped at the deli around the corner. I got a couple sandwiches and a container of chicken noodle soup.”

“Soup sounds good,” Evan decided. He led the way into the kitchen and grabbed a couple bowls from the cabinet over the sink. “We can eat in the living room. I’m all set up in there and that’s where my mom and I usually eat dinner anyway, unless we have guests. Which, I guess, technically, you are, so we should probably eat in the dining room, but-”

“The living room’s fine,” Connor assured him. 

Evan nodded and tried not to look too relieved. He kind of hated the chairs in the dining room. They were stiff and old and made weird creaking noises when he sat on them. 

“Um,” Evan stuttered when they stepped into the living room. His eyes widened as he looked around. He hadn’t stopped to think about what condition he had left the room in. The couch was covered in blankets and pillows. There were cough drop wrappers and tissues scattered all over the floor. The room reeked of eucalyptus and was filled with steam from the humidifier his mother had set up. The TV was still on, but Evan realized that his mother must have muted it before she left. 

Evan jumped as he watched a killer in a mask behead the girl on the screen. He quickly grabbed the remote and changed the channel. “That is not what I was watching earlier.”

“Not a horror movie fan?” Connor looked more than a little amused by the idea.

“Not at all,” Evan confirmed. He bunched up one of his blankets and stretched out on the couch. “My mom and I were going to watch Halloween movies tonight, but, you know, more _Hocus Pocus_ , less _Friday the 13th_.”

“I could go for some _Hocus Pocus_ ,” Connor said. 

“Our DVDs are over there,” Evan said. He pointed to a bookcase next to the TV. “It should be on the bottom shelf.”

“So, where’s your mom tonight?” Connor asked as he sat down on the armchair next to the couch. 

“Work. I don’t know what time she left, but I’m guessing she won’t be home for a while.”

“She works a lot, huh?”

“Yeah, she has to. I mean, it’s just us,” Evan shrugged. He swallowed a spoonful of soup and stared at the screen for a moment while the movie started playing. “She stayed home with me yesterday, but she had class this morning and then the hospital must’ve called her in this afternoon.”

Evan quickly turned to cough into his arm. His eyes were watering by the time he finished his coughing fit. “Sorry. I-I probably shouldn’t talk.”

“It’s fine,” Connor shrugged. “We can just watch the movie.”

“My mom has a bunch of surgical masks in the bathroom, if you want one,” Evan offered. “She’s been wearing them all week, ever since I started sneezing. She can’t afford to get sick.”

“Nah,” Connor grinned. “I have a Trig test on Monday. You’ll be doing me a favor if you get me sick.”

Evan went into another coughing fit as soon as he started laughing. He reached for his water, only to find the glass empty.

“What do you want?” Connor asked. He stood up and grabbed the cup before Evan could argue. “Water? Juice?”

“Water would be good.”

Connor nodded and disappeared into the kitchen. 

Connor was carrying a mask when he returned with Evan’s water. Evan raised an eyebrow at him, but refrained from commenting.

“On second thought,” Connor said as he sat back down. “Mr. Lemon’s make-up tests are always way harder than the originals.”

Evan smiled slightly, but refused to let himself laugh. He didn’t think his lungs could handle coughing again. He settled back into the cushions and started gulping down his soup. The liquid burned his throat in a way that almost felt good.

They watched the movie in silence. Evan had seen it so many times that he could practically recite the lines along with the characters. His eyes started feeling heavy and he decided to let them close for a few minutes. They popped open when he heard a knock at the door. Connor jumped out of his chair before Evan had a chance to sit up.

“What’s with the mask?” Evan heard Jared ask from the hallway. Connor mumbled something that Evan couldn’t make out.

“Oh,” Jared sniffed as he walked into the room. “You really are sick.”

Evan squinted at him in confusion. “Huh?”

“Your mom called my mom and asked if I could check on you,” Jared explained. “I told them I’d swing by on my way home from my date.” 

“Date?” Connor scoffed.

“Caught that, did you?” Jared smirked as he flopped down on the other end of the couch. “Yes, date. I went out with Rachel, this girl I met at camp last summer.”

“Did you get sushi?” Evan wondered.

“No, we decided to get burgers instead,” Jared grinned. He eyed the bag next to Connor. “Hey, you have any leftover sandwiches in there?”

“Didn’t you just say you already ate?” 

“Yeah, so?” Jared shrugged. “I’m still hungry. I think my stomach’s gotten used to eating two dinners every night.” He rolled his eyes when he saw the confused look on Connor’s face. “I’ve been eating two dinners pretty much every night for the last, what? Month, is it now? However long I’ve been coming here.”

“So, what? You eat dinner with your parents and with Evan?” Connor asked.

“Yeah, that’s what I’ve been doing most nights,” Jared confirmed. “My parents would throw a fit if I just ate here all the time. They like to get their daily dose of quality time with me.”

Connor stared at him for a beat before shaking his head. “Too easy.”

Jared made a face at him before turning back to Evan. “Are there any more masks laying around? I can’t get sick. Zoe and I have a French presentation next week. She’ll kill me if I miss it.”

“She really will,” Connor agreed.

“Bathroom,” Evan told him.

Jared nodded and stood back up. He paused in front of Connor. “So, where’d we land on the whole sandwich situation because I’m ordering something if there aren’t any more?”

“I have another grilled cheese in here,” Connor replied. “Evan hasn’t had a sandwich yet though.”

“I’m fine,” Evan said quickly. “Jared can have it.”

Jared’s eyes narrowed as he turned to face Evan. “Are you really not hungry or are you just saying that? Your mom will kill me if you starve to death.”

“I had soup.” Evan nodded at the bowl in front of him. 

Jared stared at him for a moment. “We’re splitting the sandwich. You are not starving under my watch.”

Evan shrugged and turned back to the TV as Bette Midler began to sing. 

 

“Aren’t you guys going to ask about my date?” Jared wondered as he sat back down. He shoved half of the grilled cheese at Evan and was careful to make sure their hands didn’t touch. The mask dangled around his neck while he inhaled his portion of the sandwich. “I mean, come on. That’s just good manners.”

“Okay,” Connor said slowly, dragging the word out longer than was necessary. “How was your date, Jared?”

“Well,” Jared beamed. “Since you asked…” He grinned and swallowed the rest of the grilled cheese. “Not that great, actually.”

“Shocker,” Connor muttered.

“Oh, shush,” Jared glared at him. “It wasn’t bad, exactly. It was just… I don’t know. We didn’t spend much time together at camp, but we’ve been talking a lot online and texting pretty much every day. It was kind of weird tonight. I guess it’s different when you try to get to know each other in person.”

“I guess,” Evan nodded uncertainly. He took a small bite of his grilled cheese and squeezed the fringe on the blanket next to him.

“I told her I’d text her later, but then I started wondering how long I should wait. I mean, isn’t the rule usually three days? Or is that just something they say in movies?”

Evan’s eyes widened nervously and he quickly redirected his gaze towards the TV.

Jared rolled his eyes and leaned forward to look past Evan. “Connor? I hope you have an opinion on this because we can’t expect Evan to come up with anything useful. He’s as pure as driven snow.”

Connor squinted at the screen for a moment before answering. “Just do what feels right. If you want to text her, then text her. If you don’t, then don’t.”

“Simple, yet solid advice.” Jared tapped his chin while he stared at Connor. “What’s your deal anyway?”

“What?” Connor narrowed his eyes at Jared.

“How have we not talked about this yet?” Jared shook his head in amazement. “Isn’t this the kind of thing guys are supposed to talk to each other about?”

“What are you going on about?” Connor demanded.

Evan’s eyes flickered back and forth between the two of them. He quickly debated whether he should jump in and change the topic. He was a bit concerned about the expression on Connor’s face, but he felt secure in the knowledge that Connor would not physically harm Jared. At least, he hoped that was a safe assumption to make.

“What’s your deal?” Jared asked again. “Are you straight or gay or bi or whatever label people are throwing around this week? I can’t keep them all straight. Pun slightly intended.”

Connor’s mouth formed a thin line and he pushed himself back in the chair.

“Jared,” Evan said warningly. 

“What? It’s a simple question.”

“You don’t-you shouldn’t-you shouldn’t just go around asking people that,” Evan stammered.

“We’re all friends here,” Jared said defensively. “But, fine. Next question then, have you dated anyone? Notice how I didn’t specify a gender there?”

Evan closed his eyes and shook his head. He desperately wanted to switch topics. He couldn’t think of a graceful way to do it though. He opened his mouth to make a comment about the movie, but Jared continued on before he had a chance.

“Nothing? No response?” Jared sighed.

“I have nothing to say,” Connor said coldly.

“What? You mean-” 

“Who do you think would want to go out with me?” Connor snapped. “I’m the-” He cut himself off with a shake of his head and slumped down in his seat.

“I don’t know,” Jared said shrilly. “I mean, some girls are into bad boys. Some boys are too, for that matter.” Jared shoved his hands in his pockets and propped his feet up on the table. “This is kind of hilarious, actually. Who would have guessed that _I_ would ever be the most experienced person in the room?”

Evan didn’t need a mirror to know that his expression was identical to the one Connor was sporting.

“What?” Jared sneered. “No judgment here. You do you, man. I mean, hey, I barely even judged Evan for his tree thing or his Zoe thing, so-”

“Do you think that’s her real hair?” Evan interrupted loudly. His heart started to pound as he pointed at the screen. He didn’t think he was imagining the fact that his hands were twitching uncontrollably. “I wonder how many cats played Binx. I used to have this weird, irrational fear of _Sex and the City_. I would start screaming if I came in the room while my mom was watching it. It took me years to figure out why. Did you hear they might be making a sequel to _Hocus Pocus_? I also read they might remake it. They better not do that. I bet it’ll totally suck. I-”

Evan leaned forward as he started to choke on the phlegm in his throat. He chugged his water in an attempt to keep from coughing.

“Oh my God. I think I broke Evan,” Jared laughed.

“I thought you weren’t going to talk tonight,” Connor reminded him. 

“That was the plan,” Evan murmured. He grabbed a tissue and blew his nose. “What time is it? I think I’m due for more medicine.”

“It’s almost ten,” Connor replied.

“Past due then,” Evan realized. He stared down at his lap. He could feel the others watching him, but he couldn’t bring himself to meet their stares. “Okay, I’m going to go lie down.”

“You are lying down,” Jared pointed out.

“In my bed,” Evan clarified. He grabbed his pillow and stood up. “The medicine always knocks me out and I’d rather fall asleep in there.”

“Zoe’s not back yet,” Connor said uneasily. “I can text her, but I don’t know when she’ll be here.”

“That’s fine,” Evan shrugged. He stared at the TV as he hugged the pillow to his chest. “You guys can stay. Just lock up when you go. There’s a key by the door. You can leave it under the mat.”

Evan left the room without waiting for a response. He wanted to take a shower, but felt weird doing that while his friends were there. He had a feeling that didn’t bode well for his future in a dorm. 

He climbed into bed after taking his medicine and stared at the ceiling while he waited to pass out. It was strange to think that there were people who weren’t related to him in the house. He could hear explosions coming from the living room and knew that Jared had challenged Connor to a video game.

Evan had been considering going back to the living room to get his other blanket, but that settled it for him. He didn’t feel like hearing Jared moan about how outdated his system was. It didn’t bother Evan that his console would be considered ancient by those in the know. Evan didn’t particularly like video games. He only played them when Jared made him.

The gaming system had been a gift from his father when he turned thirteen. Evan knew he should be grateful for it. It had clearly been an expensive gift. In Evan’s mind, though, it had proved that his father knew nothing about him. It seemed obvious to him that his father had simply gone to a store and asked the clerk what teenage boys wanted for their birthdays. 

His father hadn’t even bothered to bring it in person. He had the store ship it to Evan in a generic box with a packing slip that stated who had sent it.

Evan started to feel restless as he listened to the sounds coming from the living room. He reached for his phone, only to realize that it was still next to the couch. He considered grabbing his laptop, but it was on his desk across the room and he didn’t feel like getting out of bed.

Evan swallowed uncomfortably and rolled onto his side. His mind was spinning too fast for him to close his eyes. He found himself wishing, not for the first time, that his brain came with an off switch or, at the very least, a pause button.

He couldn’t stop himself from replaying the night and critiquing everything he had said and done. Part of him wished that he’d pretended not to hear the doorbell when it rang. It occurred to him that the house had been dark. Connor and Zoe would’ve decided no one was home if he hadn’t dragged himself off the couch.

Evan’s heart sped up as he thought about the Murphy siblings. He wished, not for the first time, that Jared came with a mute button. His stomach turned over and a sharp chill ran through his body as he remembered the way Jared had brought up his crush on Zoe. Jared had said it so casually, like it was nothing, like it hadn’t been stressing Evan out for the past two years. 

Evan took a deep breath and tried to steady his heart rate. He told himself to look on the bright side. He no longer felt like he was going to explode or pass out or melt into a puddle when he saw Zoe. That was something. He could actually carry on a conversation with her now. He wasn’t sure if he’d call her a friend, but that was just because he didn’t think she would call him a friend. He was fairly certain that Zoe only saw him as her brother’s weird friend with the resting scared face.

A few months ago, that would’ve devastated Evan. It would’ve made him feel even worse than he’d felt when she didn’t know him at all. Now, it felt almost comforting.

It was strange in a way. The more he got to know Zoe, the smaller his crush became. He knew better than to say that aloud because he realized that it sounded insulting, but it wasn’t in his mind. At some point during the last month, Zoe had gone from being a beautiful, perfect figment of a girl to an actual person. 

Evan wasn’t surprised when he decided that he liked the person better than the figment. He just didn’t have a full-fledged crush on her anymore. He hadn’t looked at Zoe’s Instagram since the beginning of the school year. It felt creepy to do that now that he actually knew her. It also felt weird and unnecessary to spend his time mentally rehearsing what he would say to her the next time their paths crossed. 

There was also the fact that Evan had come to the conclusion that he couldn’t handle being in a relationship with someone like Zoe. She was so funny, so energetic, so social that Evan was convinced he’d need daily sessions with Dr. Sherman if he wanted to keep up with her. A year ago, Evan would’ve found himself seriously considering how to remedy that. Now, it just sounded exhausting. 

Evan rolled onto his other side when he heard the game make a siren-like sound. There was a brief moment of silence before Jared started shouting something indecipherable at the game or at Connor. Evan couldn’t tell which. 

Evan held his breath while he waited to see if he was going to have to intervene. When a minute had passed without any signs of violence coming from the living room, he decided it was safe to close his eyes.


	23. Chapter 23

“Oh my God! Seriously? Even Evan could’ve made that shot!” Jared paused the game and threw his controller onto the couch. “Has anyone ever told you your hand-eye coordination sucks?”

Connor frowned as he tossed his controller to the side. “Not everyone spends all their time figuring out how to kill fictional zombies. Some of us have a life.”

“You’re including yourself in that group?” Jared scoffed. “What kind of a life do you have? You don’t even smoke weed anymore. At least, that’s what Evan thinks, but I have my doubts, especially after that performance. Let me see your eyes.”

“No!” Connor instinctively inched backwards in his chair. “I’m not high. I’ve been sitting here all night. Don’t you think you would’ve noticed if I’d snuck outside to smoke?”

“You have any brownies in that bag?”

Connor narrowed his eyes at Jared and checked his phone again.

“No word from Zoe?” Jared asked.

“None,” Connor sighed. “Just two texts from my mom asking when we’re coming home.”

“What’d you say?”

“Nothing. What can I say? I have no idea where Zoe is or when she’s coming back. I need to answer my mom soon though or she’ll try to hunt me down.”

“Why don’t you tell her you’re spending the night here?” Jared suggested. “That’s what I’m doing.”

Connor studied him curiously for a moment. “Did Evan’s mom really ask you to check on him?”

“What?” Jared laughed awkwardly. “Yeah, of course, she did.”

“Really?” Connor raised his eyebrows skeptically.

“Well, sort of,” Jared hesitated. “I mean, she called and told my mom that Evan’s sick. She may have been trying to keep me from coming over and bugging him though.”

“Uh huh,” Connor smirked knowingly.

“It’s not… Look, things are kind of tense at my house at the moment,” Jared explained quietly. “My brother just came home because he decided to drop out of college and become a foot model. Because he’s an idiot who thinks people want to buy pictures of his feet. My parents are freaking out. My brother’s not talking and I… It’s just easier for everyone if I’m not there, you know.”

Connor looked down for a moment before replying, “Yeah, I get that.”

“So, yeah,” Jared huffed. “I’ve been coming here a lot. Evan doesn’t mind. At least, I don’t think he does. He hasn’t said anything.” Jared paused as it occurred to him once again that Evan would probably never say anything, even if it was driving him crazy that Jared kept showing up. “It’s gotten to the point where my parents have actually started giving Evan’s mom money for groceries.”

Connor nodded slightly, but Jared could tell his mind had drifted elsewhere. “What did you mean earlier, when you mentioned Evan’s ‘Zoe thing?’”

Jared blinked in alarm. That was not what he had been expecting to hear. “Uh, wasn’t it obvious? What part’s tripping you up?”

“The part where Evan has a thing for Zoe.”

“So, is it the Zoe part then or the Evan part? I mean, you’ve got to realize that guys like your sister, right?”

“I’m aware of the fact that she isn’t a nun,” Connor confirmed.

“Isn’t a nun? So, does that mean she’s seeing someone? Not that it matters if she is. I’m just curious-”

“I didn’t realize Evan liked her,” Connor cut in. “Not like that, at least.”

“We shouldn’t be talking about this,” Jared said uncomfortably. “Evan would die if he heard us.”

Connor narrowed his eyes, but didn’t try to push the subject.

Jared caved after a minute of silence and asked, “Why does it bother you anyway? Zoe could do a lot worse than Evan. Not that it’s actually going to happen for him. He just… I don’t know. He doesn’t talk about her, okay? I’m the one who keeps bringing it up. All because I caught him looking at her Instagram once last year.”

The silence coming from Connor was louder than Jared would have thought possible. Jared shifted nervously on the couch and hoped it wasn’t obvious that his heart was pounding.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Jared went on. “I had the same thought when you guys started hanging out. I actually gave Evan a hard time about it. I’ve been thinking about it though and I really don’t think he’s hanging out with you just to get to Zoe.” 

Jared wondered if he’d made a mistake when he saw Connor’s expression. It suddenly seemed clear to him that that wasn’t what Connor had been thinking at all.

“You should talk to Evan if you want to know more,” Jared continued. “Or don’t. He’ll die of embarrassment if you do and then come back and haunt me for bringing it up in the first place.”

Jared made a show of yawning and stretching his arms over his head. His ears perked up when he heard a thumping noise on the porch. “Someone’s at the door.”

Connor sat up straight and listened too. They exchanged a look before crossing the room and peering out the window. Jared did a double take when he saw them. He recognized Zoe, of course, and it only took him a moment to realize Alana Beck was standing behind her, but he had no idea who the third girl was.

“Zoe?” Connor greeted as he opened the door.

“Hey!” Zoe giggled as she stumbled forward. Connor caught her just in time and helped her into the house. “I’m back! I told you I’d be back!”

“They’re drunk,” Alana informed them as she ushered the other girl inside.

“I’m not drunk,” Zoe mumbled into Connor’s shoulder. “Just tipsy.”

“Where’s the bathroom?” Alana asked. She tightened her hold on the third girl, who was looking paler by the second. “I think Alicia’s going to be sick again.”

“Top of the stairs,” Jared replied.

Alana thanked him and set off towards it with Alicia in tow. Jared reached out to help support Zoe, but it quickly became clear that Connor didn’t need any help moving his sister across the room.

“Looks like you had fun,” Connor said lightly as he eased Zoe onto the armchair. “You’re not going to throw up too, are you?”

“I’m not drunk,” Zoe insisted. “I’m just-” A hand flew up to her mouth and she let out a squeaking sound. “Kitchen?”

Connor pointed to his left. He went to help her, but she took off before he had a chance.

Jared exchanged an amused glance with Connor before collapsing on the couch again. “You want to finish watching the movie?”

Connor shrugged and stole Zoe’s spot. Jared decided to take that as a yes.

 

“Well, Alicia’s out,” Alana said when she found them a few minutes later. Her eyes lit up when she saw the TV. “Ooh, _Hocus Pocus_! I love that movie.”

“Out?” Jared repeated. “You mean, she’s-”

“Asleep,” Alana confirmed. “I don’t know what was in the punch at that party, but it must’ve been potent.”

Alana sniffed the air as she perched on the couch next to Jared. “It smells like my grandma’s house in here.”

“Evan’s sick,” Jared explained. He nodded at the humidifier in the corner.

“Oh,” Alana jumped off the couch like someone had shocked her. “Where is he? I can’t get sick. I have way too much to do this week. One bad bug will set me back a month.”

“He’s upstairs sleeping,” Jared told her. 

“Hmm,” Alana muttered. She pulled a bottle of hand sanitizer out of her purse and squirted it into her palm. “I think I’ll go see if I can get Alicia up. Can one of you help me get her into the car?”

“Are you okay to drive?” Jared wondered.

“Do I seem drunk?” Alana rolled her eyes. “Sorry. That was rude. I wasn’t at the party. Alicia called me to come get her. I grabbed Zoe on our way out since I heard her say she was leaving. I didn’t think it was a good idea for her to drive herself. She asked me to bring her here.”

“Thanks,” Connor said suddenly. Jared raised his eyebrows when he saw how sincere Connor looked.

“Of course,” Alana blinked in surprise. She sighed as she peered up the stairs. “I don’t know. Maybe we should just stay here. My parents will kill Alicia if she comes home drunk again.”

“Zoe too,” Connor agreed. He turned to face Jared and asked, “Do you think Evan’s mom will care if we crash here tonight?”

“Uh, probably not,” Jared said uncertainly. “They don’t have a guest room, but we can all sleep in here, I guess. His mom probably won’t be home for a while.”

“I’m going to go check on Alicia,” Alana decided. Her mouth shifted to the side as she pulled her phone out. “I think I’ll tell my parents we’re spending the night at Tracy’s house. She’ll cover for us if I ask her to. They’ll flip if I tell them we’re staying at a boy’s house.”

Alana nodded resolutely and turned on her heel to go find her sister. She just barely managed to avoid running into Zoe when she got to the stairs.

“Feeling better?” Connor teased as she slid onto the stool in front of him.

“I am never drinking again,” Zoe mumbled. 

“I thought you weren’t drunk,” Connor reminded her.

“I might be a little drunk,” Zoe admitted. “Not really drunk. Just a little. I only had one drink. Or was it two? I don’t know. It was strong. I should’ve eaten before I went.”

Connor stood up to let her lie back in the chair. “We’re staying here tonight.”

“I figured,” Zoe nodded. “Can you tell Mom I’m staying at Jenny’s? I’d do it, but the room’s kind of spinning.”

Connor pulled out his phone and began composing a text. “So, I’m staying here and you’re at Jenny’s? Will Jenny cover for you if Mom calls her?”

“She won’t call,” Zoe said firmly. “She trusts me.”

Connor shrugged in a way that seemed to say ‘your funeral’ and typed out a message to their mother.

Jared yawned and stood up without saying a word. He quietly crept up the stairs and made his way to the Hansens’ linen closet. He paused briefly outside Evan’s door when he heard a choking sound inside. The noise was very quickly followed by a wheeze and then a snore. Jared opened the closet and started scooping up as many blankets as he could find.

Alana and Alicia were lying on the floor by the TV when he returned. Jared handed them each a blanket. Zoe was curled up in the armchair and looked like she was about ready to pass out. Connor covered her with one of the blankets he took from Jared before claiming a spot on the floor below her. Jared turned off the lights and eyed the couch. It was tempting to lie down on it, but he decided he’d be pushing his luck germ-wise if he slept there. He decided to camp out on the floor next to the sofa instead.

As he drifted off to sleep, it occurred to Jared that he probably should have left a note for Evan’s mother, explaining why there was a pack of teenagers sleeping in her living room. He shrugged slightly and burrowed under his blanket. That would have to be a problem for another person on another day.


	24. Chapter 24

Alana barely looked up from her phone when Evan stumbled into the kitchen on Sunday morning. Their eyes met briefly as he stared at her like she was the last person he expected to find leaning against his kitchen counter at 7:30 in the morning. Which was fair, she supposed. 

“Good morning, Evan,” Alana greeted calmly as she continued to check her email.

“Good m-morning?” Evan stuttered. He blinked rapidly as his eyes flickered around the room.

“We’re the only ones up,” Alana told him. “Besides your mom, but she hasn’t been to bed yet.”

“Um, o-okay,” Evan swallowed nervously. He glanced down self-consciously as he realized that he was still in his pajamas while she was fully dressed and ready to face the day.

“Are you feeling better? Jared said you were sick.”

“Jared’s still here?” Evan’s face scrunched up in confusion.

“Yeah,” Alana said slowly. “He’s asleep in the living room.”

“The living room,” Evan repeated uncertainly. “Wait, what-what’s going on?”

Alana was about to explain when the kitchen door flew open and Evan’s mother stepped inside.

“Morning, sweetie.” Heidi hurried over to Evan and put a hand on his forehead. “I thought I heard you come down the stairs. How are you feeling? I don’t think you have a fever anymore.”

“Um, better, I think,” Evan mumbled. “My throat’s kind of scratchy, but otherwise…”

“Alana and I were about to start making breakfast,” Heidi told him. “Are you hungry? Please tell me you ate something last night.”

“I had soup,” Evan said quietly. “And half a grilled cheese.”

“Good,” Heidi beamed. “I’m glad.”

“You’re making breakfast?” Evan looked around in confusion as her words caught up with him.

“Alana ran out to get us some things, so we can make pancakes,” Heidi explained. “I would’ve stopped on my way home if I’d known you had friends staying over.”

Evan’s face flushed at her tone. She gave him a pointed look as she started pulling bowls out of the cabinet.

“Sorry,” Evan apologized quickly. “I, uh-”

“It’s our fault, Mrs. Hansen,” Alana cut in smoothly. “Evan was asleep when we came over last night. He didn’t even know we were here.”

“We?” Evan looked around in alarm. “What-”

“I came here with Zoe and my sister Alicia last night,” Alana clarified. “Jared and Connor were already here. You knew that, right?”

“Yeah,” Evan nodded slightly as he let this information sink in. “And everyone just decided to spend the night?”

Alana’s eyes widened as she attempted to get Evan’s attention. She desperately tried to find a way to psychically inform him that he needed to stop asking questions, at least while his mother was still in the room.

“Yeah,” Alana said brightly. “We were pretty beat, so, you know…”

“Oh,” Evan said tentatively. “Okay.”

Heidi pulled out a chair and told him to sit at the table while they cooked. “You aren’t coming anywhere near the food prep.”

Alana and Heidi scurried around the room and worked together to get the food ready. Evan alternated between staring at his hands and watching them mix the ingredients together. Alana announced that she was going to get Alicia up once the batter was in the skillet. 

“She has to be at work by ten,” Alana told them. “And she really needs to go home and shower first.”

Alana walked across the living room as carefully as possible. Connor twitched and swatted at her as she stepped over him. Zoe was still curled up in the armchair, completely dead to the world. Jared lifted his head up when she passed him and loudly asked what time it was.

“Shh!” Alana hissed. She gestured at the Murphy siblings as she knelt down to deal with her sister.

Jared mumbled something she didn’t think she wanted to understand before getting up and heading for the bathroom.

Alana gently shook Alicia’s shoulder and whispered her name. Alicia moaned and smacked Alana right in the nose. Alana took a breath before shaking her sister again, this time with more force.

“What?” Alicia screamed as she bolted up. She blinked around wildly as she tried to get her bearings. “What-where are we?”

“At Evan’s house,” Alana reminded her.

“Who the hell is Evan?” Alicia spat. 

Alana ignored the question and attempted to pull Alicia off the floor before she woke the Murphys. A quick glance in their direction told her that it was too late for Connor, but Zoe was somehow still asleep.

“Let go of me!” Alicia yelped. She folded her arms across her chest and leaned back against the wall. “What’s going on? I don’t-”

Alicia’s brow furrowed as she struggled to put the pieces together.

“Do you remember anything from last night?” Alana sighed.

“Sort of,” Alicia mumbled. “I remember going to a party. It was at Adam’s house. Adam from jazz band.”

“Good,” Alana nodded encouragingly. “What else?”

“The rest is a blur,” Alicia shrugged.

“You don’t remember anything?”

“No. Should I?”

“Should you? Of course, you should remember what you did last night!” Alana rolled her eyes. “Come on. Let’s go get some coffee in your system.”

Alicia burst out laughing when her eyes landed on Connor. “Hey! You’re that guy! That guy… You know, Lanie, that guy from school. The one who-”

Alana quickly clamped a hand over her sister’s mouth before Alicia could finish her sentence. Alicia glared at her, but didn’t fight it.

“There are pancakes and coffee in the kitchen, if you’re hungry,” Alana told Connor. “I’m going to take her to the bathroom.”

Connor glared at Alicia for a moment before nodding and setting off towards the kitchen.

“Come on,” Alana sighed again as she hoisted Alicia off the ground. “Do you remember that you’re supposed to work today or did that slip your mind too?”

Alicia responded by letting out a loud belch and an even louder giggle.

It was the laughter that finally made Zoe stir in her sleep. Stir, but not awaken, Alana was amazed to note. 

The sisters passed Jared on the stairs. Alana almost stopped him to ask for help, but she decided she could manage Alicia on her own. 

Alana waited outside the door while her sister got herself together. Her phone buzzed and she read a text from Tracy, informing her that she was on her way to church and had not heard from either of Alana’s parents all night. Alana thanked her and asked if she could stop by to work on their French presentation. Tracy told her to come over around one.

Alicia took her time in the bathroom. Alana kept waiting to hear the sounds of retching, but there were none. She could only hear the toilet flush and the water run. Alicia almost looked human by the time she finished splashing water on her face.

“Thanks, Lanie,” Alicia said softly when she emerged from the bathroom. “You’re a good sister sometimes, you know?”

“I know,” Alana nodded smugly.

“Do I really have to work today?” 

Alana couldn’t help grinning at her sister’s tone. She sounded like a little kid asking her mother if she really had to go to school. “You’re supposed to. Do you want me to cover for you?”

Alana hated waiting tables at their uncle’s diner, but it wouldn’t be the first time she’d done it in a pinch.

“Only if I’m still the one getting paid,” Alicia chuckled.

“Yeah, that’s not happening,” Alana scoffed.

“I figured,” Alicia sighed and ran a hand through her hair. “Did I hear you say something about coffee?”

“Yeah, come on,” Alana motioned towards the stairs. “We have to eat quickly if you’re going to change for work.”

“You don’t think I can go like this?” Alicia asked in a voice that was at least half-serious. She looked down at her disheveled clothes and cringed when she sniffed her armpit.

“Not unless you want to get fired,” Alana shook her head. “Even Dad wouldn’t be able to talk Uncle Louie into keeping you on if you show up looking like that.”

Alicia made a face and grabbed Alana’s arm before they started down the stairs. “So, you never did tell me, who is this Evan person and why are we at his house?”


	25. Chapter 25

**Sunday, October 29, 2017 3:22 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

Colds are the worst. They’re definitely up there on the list of things I hate. Are you feeling any better? Hopefully, you got to sleep it off this weekend.

For the record, even your “incoherent” messages make a lot of sense.

I think I might be coming down with something. I woke up with a sore throat today. I guess it’s that time of the year.

I should be doing homework now, but my head is pounding and I can’t focus on it. I have a Trig quiz tomorrow and none of the formulas are making sense at the moment.

My sister’s sitting across from me, mumbling under her breath while she tries to finish her English paper. I think she’s still kind of hungover from her party last night, so it’s not working out very well for her.

She keeps complaining that I’m typing too loudly.

I offered to let her read the essay I wrote last year, but she said she didn’t want to be corrupted by my insights on the subject.

That’s probably fair. I wrote about the homoerotic undertones I found in the book.

Believe it or not, I did not get a good grade on it. I ended up having to redo the paper because my parents begged the teacher to let me try again.

I still say my second attempt wasn’t nearly as interesting as my first.

**Sincerely,  
L**

 

**Sunday, October 29, 2017 8:08 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

What book are you talking about?

Actually, I don’t think I want to know. I think I’m with your sister on this one. I don’t want to be corrupted by your thoughts.

No offense, of course. I just prefer to let the classics remain classic.

I am feeling a lot better. Thank you for asking. I slept all day yesterday and most of the afternoon today. I’m trying to catch up on my homework now since I’m going back to school tomorrow. 

This weekend was kind of interesting, actually. I ended up hosting a spontaneous slumber party and didn’t even know it. J and C decided to stay over after I went to bed. Then, C’s sister showed up with two other girls.

My mom was pretty surprised when she got home and found them all in our living room. She’s sort of ridiculously excited about the fact that she thinks I have friends now.

I didn’t have the heart to tell her that it was a one-time thing. I doubt they would’ve slept over if I’d been awake when the decision was made.

**Sincerely,  
E**

 

**Tuesday, October 31, 2017 1:51 AM**

**Dear Friend:**

Why do you always do that? Why do you always put yourself down?

You keep saying you worry about me. Well, I worry about you.

You used to say you didn’t have any friends. Now you do, but you don’t think they’re really your friends? Or that they really like you?

Are you talking to Dr. S about that? Because you really should be if you’re not.

I’ve been rereading some of our old messages and something jumped out at me.

What happened that day you fell out of the tree? 

Did you really fall or did you let go?

**Sincerely,  
L**


	26. Chapter 26

Connor was not surprised when Zoe let herself into his room Tuesday afternoon. He’d been expecting her to pop in since he heard her come home from school. The idea didn’t bother him for once. He needed a break from his thoughts and his mother’s incessant visits. 

“You might want to get dressed,” Zoe suggested as she plopped down on the edge of his bed. “Evan and Jared should be here any minute.”

Connor twisted himself around to fix her with a beady stare. “What? Why?”

“Jared and I have to finish our French project. It’s our turn to present tomorrow. Evan’s coming because Jared said it would be cruel to leave him home on Halloween. His mom’s working and Jared thinks Evan will spend the whole night sitting in the dark and hiding from trick-or-treaters if he stays there by himself.”

Connor grunted slightly and propped himself up against his headboard. “That sounds about right.”

“Yeah, I figured,” Zoe agreed. “You’re not really sick, are you? I’m not asking for Mom. I’m asking because I’m banning you from coming downstairs if you are.”

“My throat’s a little scratchy, but I don’t think I’m contagious. I just needed a day.”

“Yeah,” Zoe huffed. “After last night, I can’t say I blame you.”

“Can we not…” Connor whispered.

Zoe’s eyes widened as she looked down at him. “Okay, fine, it’s your call, but, listen, I’ll be downstairs if you want to talk about it.”

“I won’t,” Connor assured her. 

Zoe lingered in the doorway and told him, “I ordered a couple pizzas. They’ll be here soon, if you’re hungry. Mom doesn’t feel like cooking tonight.”

 

Connor stared at the ceiling when she was gone. He lifted up his left hand and studied the cut on it. It was red and peeling and itched more than he would’ve thought possible. He could still see the blood gushing out of it, could hear Zoe shrieking, could picture his mother’s face when she ran into the kitchen.

Zoe had gotten it into her head that the two of them should make dinner the night before. She’d planned it all out. They’d stopped at the store on their way home and picked up all the necessary ingredients. Everything had gone smoothly until Connor’s hand slipped while he was cutting the avocado. 

It had been an accident. He knew it. They knew it. He knew they did. On some level, they knew that he hadn’t meant to slice his hand open.

It hadn’t even been that deep of a cut. He’d been able to stop the bleeding quickly. His mother had wanted to take him to the emergency room, but Connor had insisted that he was fine. He was up-to-date on his Tetanus shots and he was sure that the wound would close on its own.

He knew why the accident had scared his family. He knew what they’d been thinking and why they’d been thinking it. 

He’d let them know, in no uncertain terms, that he could’ve found a better way to off himself than that.

He had stayed in his room the rest of the night. Zoe had ended up boxing everything up because no one had felt like eating after that.

His parents hadn’t argued when he’d announced that he was staying home from school that morning. His mother had felt his forehead and said it was cool, but his face looked pale. His father had commented on the number of people in his firm who’d come down with the flu.

He’d spent the day in bed, working on his college essays and rereading everything in his YANA inbox for the umpteenth time.

He’d read all his messages the night before too. He’d stayed up half the night doing it. He’d analyzed them, critiqued them, debated why they meant so much to him.

He’d thought about the fact that it had bothered him when Jared said Evan liked Zoe. He’d wondered why that was. What difference did it make in his life? 

Jared had been right when he’d said that Zoe could date someone a lot worse than Evan. He’d also had a legitimate point when he’d said that the chances of Evan and Zoe getting together were slim.

Connor knew it was weird, but there was a part of him that felt possessive of Evan. Of E, really. Their messages on YANA had kept him sane over the summer. They’d been his anchor, his window to the world while he was cooped up inside. 

He’d come to feel protective of E and that feeling had been transferred to Evan when he’d learned E’s identity.

The message E had sent before his accident had concerned Connor. He could still remember the moment of panic he’d experienced when he read it. He’d been so relieved to hear from E after that, to read the self-depreciating, almost funny message E had written about his injury, that he hadn’t stopped to wonder if it had really been an accident.

Now, he was almost certain that it hadn’t been.

Connor knew he should’ve handled the situation better than he had. He should’ve known what had really happened from the start. It shouldn’t have taken him three months to confront E about it. 

And, he shouldn’t have actually confronted him about it. He should have been gentle and diplomatic. He shouldn’t have decided to send an abrupt, to the point message in the middle of the night when he was already at his wit’s end.

And, now, Evan was on his way over. Connor couldn’t stop wondering whether Evan had already read his message. He had a feeling it wouldn’t be a hard thing for him to figure out once he saw Evan.

 

The doorbell rang just as Connor finished throwing a hoodie on over his t-shirt. He waited a minute before heading downstairs.

He found Zoe and Jared in the living room. They were already sitting on the couch with their French books in front of them.

Zoe was attempting to translate something in her notebook when Connor walked in. She glanced up at him and said, “You may want to go save Evan. Mom kidnapped him.”

“She what?” Connor asked.

“Yeah, she grabbed him as soon as he came in and took him to the kitchen to help her with dinner. She can’t actually need any help though since we’re just having pizza. I suspect she’s using it as an excuse to interrogate him.”

Connor frowned as he turned to look at the kitchen door. “Okay…”

“You guys can go do whatever,” Zoe shrugged. “We’re manning the door tonight.”

“Do you get a lot of trick-or-treaters?” Jared wondered. “We hardly have any on my street.”

“Tons,” Zoe replied. “People come from all over.”

“I think my parents brought me here when I was little,” Jared said thoughtfully. “They always said rich people have the best candy.”

Jared’s ears turned red and he slumped down a bit when he realized what he’d said.

“That’s not the first time I’ve heard that,” Zoe laughed. She leaned forward and shoved Connor’s arm. “Go rescue Evan. We have work to do.”

Connor paused outside the kitchen. He could hear voices inside and quickly realized that his father was in there too. He knew he needed to get Evan out of there, but he didn’t know what to do after he extracted him. He wondered if Zoe would let him leave Evan in the living room. He couldn’t imagine Evan making much noise or being a distraction.

Connor did a double take when he walked in and saw them laughing. He looked from his mother, who was looking particularly pleased, to his father, who seemed amused, to Evan, whose expression was a mixture of surprise and confusion.

“What’s so funny?” Connor demanded.

“We were just asking Evan if he’s taking a foreign language,” Cynthia explained. “He said you were in the same Spanish class last year.”

“We were?” Connor’s brow furrowed as he tried to remember.

“You probably weren’t there enough to notice,” Larry rolled his eyes.

“I hated Spanish,” Connor snapped.

“Me too,” Evan agreed. “I’m awful at it. Really awful. I had to take Spanish 2 twice to get the credits.”

“Connor did too,” Cynthia said. 

“Yeah, I-I know,” Evan nodded.

Connor looked at him in surprise and leaned against the counter. “Is the pizza here?”

“Over there,” Cynthia replied quickly. She pointed to the boxes by the stove.

“Are you still taking Spanish?” Larry wondered. “I can help you, if you are. I minored in it in college. I tried to help Connor, but you know…”

Connor’s eyes narrowed as he regarded his parents. He couldn’t remember his father ever offering to help him with his Spanish homework. Well, actually, when he stopped and thought about it, he could vaguely remember one time. It was kind of a blur. Connor was fairly certain that it hadn’t ended well.

Evan shook his head. “I dropped it this year. My, um, my mom doesn’t know yet. She thinks it’s important for me to be able to speak it, but I… I don’t…”

“Your mother shouldn’t make you take something you hate,” Cynthia said soothingly. “I’m sure there are other things you like studying. Zoe said you’re good at science.”

“Yeah,” Evan mumbled. “I, uh, I like science.”

“Science is just as important as Spanish,” Larry assured him. “Maybe even more so. You can find a career in the scientific field.”

“That’s what I’m thinking,” Evan said. “I’ve been looking at schools with, um, with programs that sound interesting.”

“So, you’re planning to go to college then?” Larry beamed. Connor met his father’s stare and raised his eyebrows.

“Yeah-yeah,” Evan stammered. 

“That’s good,” Larry nodded firmly. “Really good. You should tell Connor all about your plans.”

“Larry,” Cynthia murmured warningly. 

“I’m just saying, it’s always good for people to compare notes and get ideas from each other,” Larry said defensively.

“I think I’ll take my pizza upstairs,” Connor decided tersely. 

Cynthia grabbed his arm as he passed her and studied his face. “Are you feeling better? Would you rather have soup? I can heat some up if you want.”

“Pizza’s fine,” Connor muttered.

“Are you sure? It’s really no problem. I can-”

“I said pizza’s fine!” Connor shouted. He took a breath and stared blankly at his feet. He didn’t need to look up to know that his tone had caused everyone in the room to jump.

“Connor-” 

“On second thought, I’m not hungry,” Connor grumbled. He turned on his heel and stormed out of the room without looking back.

As the door swung shut behind him, Connor could hear his parents apologizing to Evan. 

Connor kept going. He didn’t know why he was surprised that it had turned out Evan wasn’t the one who needed rescuing after all.


	27. Chapter 27

**Wednesday, November 1, 2017 9:23 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

How was your Halloween? Mine was ok. I went to C’s house and helped his sister and J give out candy. It was kind of overwhelming. They must’ve had 300 trick-or-treaters there.

My mom was waiting for me when I got home. I forgot to let her know where I went, so she had managed to get herself all worked up by the time I came home. She said she’d been worried that something horrible had happened to me. 

I told her she should be happy that I was out. She said she just wished I had let her know where I was. That she’s my mother and she worries when she can’t find me. I pointed out that I could go out all the time and she wouldn’t know because she’s never there. I told her that she doesn’t know anything about my life, that she doesn’t stay still long enough to notice.

That did not go over well. I think she’s giving me the silent treatment, but it’s hard to tell since she’s not here now.

**Sincerely,  
E**

 

**Thursday, November 2, 2017 11:12 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

You didn’t answer my question.

**Sincerely,  
L**

 

**Sunday, November 5, 2017 1:45 AM**

**Dear Friend:**

I don’t know.

**Sincerely,  
E**

 

**Sunday, November 5, 2017 1:47 AM**

**Dear Friend:**

Ok.

**Sincerely,  
L**

 

**Sunday, November 5, 2017 1:48 AM**

**Dear Friend:**

You’re up too?

**Sincerely,  
E**

 

**Sunday, November 5, 2017 1:49 AM**

**Dear Friend:**

Can’t sleep.

**Sincerely,  
L**

 

**Sunday, November 5, 2017 1:51 AM**

**Dear Friend:**

Me too.

**Sincerely,  
E**

 

**Sunday, November 5, 2017 1:52 AM**

**Dear Friend:**

Why not?

**Sincerely,  
L**

 

**Sunday, November 5, 2017 1:53 AM**

**Dear Friend:**

I don’t know.

Just can’t.

**Sincerely,  
E**

 

**Sunday, November 5, 2017 1:55 AM**

**Dear Friend:**

Same.

**Sincerely,  
L**

 

**Sunday, November 5, 2017 1:58 AM**

**Dear Friend:**

Did you watch Harry Potter today? I watched it for a while this afternoon.

**Sincerely,  
E**

 

**Sunday, November 5, 2017 2:00 AM**

**Dear Friend:**

I wasn’t home. My family visited my mom’s college today.

My sister’s thinking about going there. 

**Sincerely,  
L**

 

**Sunday, November 5, 2017 2:02 AM**

**Dear Friend:**

Oh. How was it?

**Sincerely,  
E**

 

**Sunday, November 5, 2017 2:03 AM**

**Dear Friend:**

Good for my sister.

Bad for me.

**Sincerely,  
L**

 

**Sunday, November 5, 2017 2:05 AM**

**Dear Friend:**

I’m sorry.

Do you want to talk about it?

**Sincerely,  
E**

 

**Sunday, November 5, 2017 2:10 AM**

**Dear Friend:**

It wasn’t that bad. It was just yet another reminder of the fact that my sister is the golden child.

She fit in there. My mother was thrilled and my father couldn’t stop grinning when he watched her ask the tour guide questions.

She really liked the school. I’m happy for her. I think she has a real chance of getting in.

My father wants to take me to look at a couple schools next weekend. Local ones that he thinks will take someone of my caliber. His word choice, not mine.

I told my sister she has to tag along and be our buffer. She said yes right away. She said she doesn’t want to end up helping Mom plan a double funeral.

**Sincerely,  
L**

 

**Sunday, November 5, 2017 2:13 AM**

**Dear Friend:**

I’d say you’re lucky your parents are taking you to look at colleges, but I know you’ll disagree.

Except, you know you are, right?

My mom keeps saying she’s going to take off one Saturday so we can go, but I’m not holding my breath.

I’m sorry you’re still having problems with your parents. I can relate.

Your sister sounds sensible, at least. I’m glad you have her in your corner now.

**Sincerely,  
E**

 

**Sunday, November 5, 2017 2:17 AM**

**Dear Friend:**

I know I’m lucky. My parents constantly remind me how lucky I am. They tell me I should be grateful for the life they’ve given me. They say other people would use the advantages I’ve been given to make the world a better place. They say other kids wouldn’t squander their lives away the way I have.

What’s going on with your mom? Is she still mad at you?

**Sincerely,  
L**

 

**Sunday, November 5, 2017 2:19 AM**

**Dear Friend:**

Wow. Your parents sound kind of harsh. I’m starting to see why you get upset with them.

I’m not sure if my mom’s still mad at me. She’s hardly been home all week. 

I think I just heard her car pull into the driveway actually, so I should go.

I really don’t feel like talking to her tonight.

**Sincerely,  
E**

 

**Sunday, November 5, 2017 2:20 AM**

**Dear Friend:**

Took you long enough to get it.

I should go too. I think my grandparents are coming over for breakfast, so someone’s probably going to try to get me up early.

**Sincerely,  
L**

 

**Sunday, November 5, 2017 2:20 AM**

**Dear Friend:**

Good night.

**Sincerely,  
E**

 

**Sunday, November 5, 2017 2:21 AM**

**Dear Friend:**

Good night.

**Sincerely,  
L**


	28. Chapter 28

Evan stopped in his tracks and looked around wildly when he found his mother sitting in the kitchen on Sunday morning. “What are you doing here?”

“I live here,” Heidi reminded him lightly. “Are you hungry? I got donuts from Louie’s. Chocolate glazed, your favorite.”

“When I was twelve,” Evan retorted.

“You’ve outgrown chocolate then? Is that what you’re saying?”

“I was just going to grab some cereal.”

“And what? Head out? Do you have plans today?”

“Not really,” Evan shrugged.

“Good,” Heidi nodded. “I was hoping you’d say that.”

“Don’t you have your study group this morning?” 

“I called Cindy and told her I wasn’t going to make it today.”

“You did?” Evan blinked at her.

“I… Would you sit down please? I can’t see your face when you stand over there.”

Evan sighed and sat down across from her. He eyed the bag in her hands expectantly. “So, donuts?”

Heidi grinned as she handed one over. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and looked him in the eye. “Listen, I’ve been thinking about what you said the other day and-”

“I’m sorry!” Evan interjected quickly. “I-”

“Oh, sweetie, I know you are, but you’re not the one who should be apologizing. I’m your mother. I should never have put you in a position where you felt like that. Like you can’t depend on me. Like you’re not important. Because you are. You are the most important person in my life. I know it doesn’t feel like that sometimes, but it’s true. I can’t stop thinking that I’ve failed you as a parent if you’re doubting that.”

“You haven’t failed me,” Evan said weakly.

“Maybe not,” Heidi said quietly. “But, it feels like it sometimes. I know I’m not around as much as I should be. I know it must seem like work comes first, like I’d rather work myself to death than spend time with you. That’s not the case. I swear it’s not. I work because I have to. Because what choice do I have? Your father’s idea of child support is meager at best and there are bills… So many bills. When I finish school, it’ll be better. Except, of course, you’ll be out of the house by then. You’ll be the one who’s never home.” 

Evan watched his hands as they clenched and unclenched in front of him. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Heidi asked softly.

“For-for being the reason you’re stressed all the time. I know I’m not-I’m not easy. I’m not-”

“You’re perfect.”

“I’m not,” Evan shook his head adamantly. “I’m… I need medicine and-and therapy and I…”

“You’re getting the help you need to-”

“I shouldn’t need help! I’m broken. I’m-”

“You are not broken, Evan. I’ve seen broken, I’ve been there, and you’re not it.”

Evan eyed the donut on his plate and pushed it away. His appetite was suddenly, completely gone.

“Do you remember the first few months after your father left? I know you do. Of course, you do. I don’t know how much you really remember though. Do you remember how your grandmother came up to stay with us? I didn’t ask her to. She heard it in my voice one day. She knew I needed her. That we needed her. 

“She took care of you because I couldn’t. Because I was in shock. Because I was overwhelmed and depressed and hating myself. I kept wondering what I’d done to make your father leave you. Not me, you. Your father and I were never going to work, not long-term at least. He loved you though. He still does, even if he doesn’t show it. 

“I blamed myself when he left. I kept thinking it was my fault that he didn’t stay in your life. I fell into a black hole of depression and self-doubt. Your grandmother helped me find a therapist. She made sure I took care of myself so that I would be able to take care of you.

“Your grandmother… She offered to move up here permanently. I told her not to. I couldn’t do that to her. She has a life down there. I couldn’t ask her to give it up. I couldn’t admit that I needed her help. I was determined to do everything on my own. I knew it would be hard. I knew I wouldn’t always be successful, but I had to try.

“Maybe it would’ve been better if I’d let her move in. You would’ve grown up with two adults in the house. You wouldn’t have felt like you were alone.”

Evan swallowed sharply as his mother reached out and squeezed his hand. “I didn’t need Grandma. I-I only needed you.”

“Oh, hon,” Heidi whispered. “I’m here. I’m always here, even it doesn’t feel like it. I promise I’m not going anywhere. You can always talk to me. I’m sorry I made you feel like you couldn’t.”

“I…” Evan started. 

“You?” Heidi pressed gently.

“I let go.”

Evan didn’t mean to say it. It had been on the tip of his tongue for days, but he hadn’t planned on saying it out loud, on actually admitting it to anyone, including himself.

“That day in the park, the day I broke my arm, I let go.”

Heidi nodded slightly. “I know.”

“You-you do?”

“Well, I didn’t know-know, but I suspected. Dr. Sherman sent me the message you sent L before your accident.”

“He did? You didn’t say anything.” Evan pressed a hand to his temple and slumped down in his seat.

“I didn’t know what to say,” Heidi confessed. “You kept saying it was an accident, that you lost your balance, and I… I wanted to think that was what happened. Dr. Sherman said he’d talked to you about it and he didn’t think you were in any kind of immediate danger. He said he thought you believed it had been an accident.”

“I did,” Evan nodded. “I... I’ve been thinking about it recently though and I… I could’ve kept going. I didn’t have to fall.”

Heidi squeezed his hand again. “What made you let go?”

“I-I don’t know. I just… The opportunity presented itself and I… I realized I could. It wasn’t planned.”

“Okay,” Heidi sighed. She nodded like she was trying to settle her mind. “Okay.”

“I told you I was broken.”

“Evan, you are not broken. You are stronger than you realize. Needing help, feeling lost, feeling helpless and alone, those are very normal, human things to experience. You’re still here. You’ll get through this. I know you will.”

“How? How can you know that?”

“Because you have me. Because you have friends, people who care about you. And because, most importantly, you care enough about yourself to ask for help when you need it.”

“I haven’t asked-”

“What would you call this? Sometimes you can ask for help without saying the words. That’s what I did with my mother and it’s what you’re doing now. You’ll be okay. This will pass. You’ll see.”

Evan bit his lip for a moment and stared at the wall behind her. “You’re going to call Dr. Sherman tomorrow, aren’t you?”

“Only if you want me to. I think you’re old enough to start making these decisions for yourself.”

“I have an appointment with him next Wednesday, don’t I?”

“You do,” Heidi nodded. “Do you want to move it up?”

“No,” Evan decided. “I think I’m okay.”

“You sure?”

“I think so. This helped.”

“It did?”

Evan could tell that his mother was pleased by the notion. He had said it to make her happy, but he realized that it had helped a bit. It felt like a load had been lifted off his shoulders.

“Yeah,” Evan nodded. He picked up his donut and took a small bite of it. “You’re staying home all day?”

“That’s the plan,” Heidi replied. “Unless you want to go somewhere.”

“Do you want to look at my college essays? I could use a second opinion.”

“Of course, sweetie,” Heidi beamed. “I’d love to see what you’ve come up with.”


	29. Chapter 29

**Monday, November 6, 2017 10:34 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

I let go.

To answer your question, I let go.

I meant it when I told you I didn’t know. I guess I was in denial. That’s what Dr. S would say at least. I’ve been thinking about it though and you were right. At least, I think you were. I’m assuming you figured it out or you wouldn’t have asked.

My mom and I talked about it a lot yesterday. We’re doing ok, if you’re wondering. We really talked things out. It turns out, she wasn’t mad at me at all. 

She apologized for not being around, for making me feel like I can’t rely on her. 

I think we’re going to be ok. 

**Sincerely,  
E**

 

**Tuesday, November 7, 2017 6:02 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

Thank you for telling me, but I’m sorry for asking. I should’ve apologized earlier. I shouldn’t have written to you like that. 

How do you feel, now that you’ve figured things out? Did it help? 

I’m glad things are better with your mom. I hope it stays that way.

**Sincerely,  
L**

 

**Thursday, November 9, 2017 4:04 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

I think you did me a favor, actually. I know Dr. S would say you did. He always says it’s not good to repress things like that.

I don’t really want to talk about it anymore though. My mom isn’t obsessing about it, exactly, but I know we haven’t finished discussing it.

I also know that Dr. S will have a lot to say when I see him next week.

Hey, how’s the weather where you are? It’s been strangely warm here, but the forecasters are predicting that’s about to change. 

**Sincerely,  
E**

 

**Friday, November 10, 2017 8:43 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

Weather? Really? We’re talking about that again?

**Sincerely,  
L**

 

**Saturday, November 11, 2017 9:55 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

What? Weather’s a universal topic. 

**Sincerely,  
E**

 

**Saturday, November 11, 2017 11:38 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

It’s universally used for awkward small talk. 

We’re past that.

**Sincerely,  
L**

 

**Sunday, November 12, 2017 8:14 AM**

**Dear Friend:**

What do you want to talk about then? I’m drawing a blank.

I’ve been pretty busy this week. My mom keeps rearranging her schedule so that she’s home more. I know it means she’s been missing out on overtime though, so I don’t know how long this will last.

I told her not to worry about me and she said it’s her job to worry about me.

J and C are supposed to come over later to work on a project for our science class. It’s kind of weird. This is the first time the words “group project” didn’t make me feel physically ill.

Of course, J keeps saying that the two of them are going to play video games the whole time and let me do all the work.

He doesn’t know that my mom will be here too. I suspect he’ll change his tune when he sees her.

**Sincerely,  
E**

 

**Monday, November 13, 2017 7:57 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

So, what’s it like to have friends? We haven’t talked about that yet.

Unless you still don’t think they’re really your friends.

If that’s the case, then maybe we should try and get to the bottom of that.

**Sincerely,  
L**

 

**Tuesday, November 14, 2017 5:31 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

I guess I would say J and C are my friends. I mean, I know they are. I see them that way and I think it’s mutual.

J’s always been around. I think I’ve told you about him. His parents have been friends with my mom for years. We grew up together. J always insisted that I was just his “family friend,” but I’ve realized that’s not entirely true. I think it’s safe to say a “family friend” wouldn’t get jealous about the fact that I made a new friend.

Which is what happened when I started hanging out with C. No matter how much J denies it, it totally is.

C is someone I’ve known by sight since elementary school, but never really knew. I don’t think I ever actually talked to him before this year. 

It still feels weird and kind of exhausting to have friends. It makes school less stressful though and I don’t feel as alone as I did before. 

I know you’ve referred to yourself as the class loner, but is that really true? 

You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to. I was just thinking about how you never talk about your social life. And it’s only fair for me to ask questions too, right?

**Sincerely,  
E**

 

**Thursday, November 16, 2017 12:11 AM**

**Dear Friend:**

I’ve been the class loner for as long as I can remember. There have been times when it’s bothered me, but I also never felt like I was missing anything by not having friends. Not to mention the fact that there aren’t many people who are able to put up with me.

That’s changed this year. It’s hard to explain, but I’ve actually found people that I consider friends.

I can see what you mean in a way. It helps to have people around who know me, who accept me for who I am.

For what It’s worth, you were the first person to make me think that’s possible.

**Sincerely,  
L**


	30. Chapter 30

“So, who’s going to present tomorrow?” Zoe asked. She leaned across the counter and helped herself to a handful of popcorn. “Because it better not be Jared. Not if you want to pass.”

“Hey!” Jared exclaimed. “We passed!”

“Thanks to me,” Zoe scoffed. “How are you even in French 4?”

“I’m good at French,” Jared said defensively. “I just got distracted.”

“You got distracted by the length of Tracy’s skirt, didn’t you? You boys are all the same.”

“No, I…” Jared made a face. “Okay, fine, you caught me… But, hey, you noticed it too!”

“I wasn’t the one who choked and started using the wrong verb tense. Or the wrong vocabulary. You do know that you referred to Paris as the central cheese of the river, don’t you?”

“Maybe that’s what I meant,” Jared said snappishly. “Who do you think should present then? Because it can’t be Evan. And Connor… I don’t know.”

Jared looked at Connor thoughtfully. “You think you can handle it?”

“Aren’t we supposed to take turns presenting?” Connor reminded him.

“Technically, yes,” Jared shrugged. “But, Evan can usually get away with holding the posters because Ms. Thomas likes him.”

“I can do the opening,” Evan suggested. “I, uh, I don’t think Ms. Thomas will be happy if I don’t speak this time. She’s kind of been on my case about it lately.”

“You want to go first?” Jared asked him.

“I want to get it over with,” Evan nodded.

“Okay, so Evan can start us off. Connor can do the middle part and I’ll handle the conclusions,” Jared decided. “Because I think we’re all in agreement that Connor shouldn’t field our classmates’ questions.”

Zoe looked at Connor quickly and was relieved to see that her brother didn’t look like he was about to tear Jared’s head off. “All right, well, I’ll leave you boys to it. Call me when the pizza gets here.”

Zoe spun around when she got to the door. “Hey, I almost forgot, what’re you all up to tomorrow night?”

Connor’s expression was more than a little suspicious when he turned to face his sister. “Why?”

“Well, it’s just, um,” Zoe bit her lip lightly. “Mom and Dad are going out and it’s Maya’s birthday tomorrow. Her cousin Sarah told me she’s throwing a party for Maya.”

“Are you guys okay now?” Connor asked curiously.

“No,” Zoe shook her head. “But, if Maya hears that Sarah asked me, then she’ll be pissed if I don’t show.”

Connor nodded slightly. “So…” 

He looked at Evan quickly. Zoe shook her head.

“I was thinking you all might want to come, actually. Sarah’s house is huge, so it’s bound to be a big crowd. She won’t care if I bring three plus-ones.” Zoe paused and looked down quickly. “And, honestly, it’ll be easier for me if I have back-up.”

“I’m in,” Jared nodded. “It can be our reward for getting through our presentation intact.”

Zoe looked from Evan to Connor and back again. She could tell that neither of them seemed to think that it sounded like much of a reward.

“It’ll be fun,” Zoe promised. “And we don’t have to stay long. I just need to be seen, to get in a couple pictures.”

“You said you weren’t going to be at the band party long,” Connor reminded her. “You were gone for four hours and came back wasted.”

“Then, it’s a good thing I’ll have a posse of bodyguards this time,” Zoe grinned. “You can keep me in line for a change.”

“I, uh, I’ll have to ask my mom,” Evan said hesitantly.

Zoe’s eyes widened as she turned to face him again. “Okay, but you know not to tell her what kind of party it is, right?”

“He’s not an idiot, Zoe,” Connor snapped.

Zoe looked over her shoulder quickly before continuing, “I usually tell our parents that I’m going to a friend’s house. That normally works.”

Evan nodded uncertainly. “Okay, I’ll-I’ll think about it.”

“If not, then maybe you three can do something tomorrow night,” Zoe said hopefully. “You know, to celebrate finishing your project.”

“I already said I’d go,” Jared reminded them. “Even if these two don’t.”

“Go where?”

Zoe jumped at the sound of her mother’s voice. She took a breath and hoped her face wasn’t showing her panic. “To Sarah’s house. You know her. You met her at Maya’s that one time. They’re cousins.”

Cynthia nodded and took her time surveying the group. “And you’re all going?”

“Well,” Zoe said slowly. “I’m not sure if-”

“I never thought I’d see the day where you went to a party with your brother,” Cynthia beamed. 

“It’s not a party,” Zoe insisted. “It’s just a-”

“Zoe, do you honestly think you’ve been fooling us all these years?” Cynthia laughed. “Your father and I weren’t born yesterday.”

Zoe clenched her teeth and tapped her fingers on the countertop. “You’re okay with this? With…” Her eyes quickly darted from Connor to their mother.

Cynthia put a hand on Zoe’s shoulder and nodded towards the hall. “Why don’t we go upstairs and let these boys get back to work?”

Zoe nodded and offered the boys a weak smile before following her mother out.

“I’m doing what you suggested. I’m trying to ease up on him,” Cynthia said as they climbed the stairs. “And this, well, it might be good for him to get out and do something different. I think he’ll okay as long as you’re there and Evan’s there and Jared, I suppose.”

Zoe wondered if her mother knew the kinds of things, the kinds of temptations, that Connor would encounter at a party. She had a feeling her mother did and was choosing not to think about it. Zoe agreed about it being good for Connor though. She realized her brother couldn’t live in a bubble forever and Maya’s birthday party would be a relatively safe place for him to go.

“Keep him safe, okay?” Cynthia said softly when they reached Zoe’s room.

Zoe nodded as she shut the door behind her. She knew the pizza would be there any minute and she really wanted to finish her Algebra II homework before dinner. That way, she could spend the rest of the evening working on convincing Evan to attend the party. She had a feeling that Evan was the key to ensuring that Connor went too.


	31. Chapter 31

“So, this is a party,” Jared observed wryly. 

“Not what you were expecting?” Zoe laughed. She studied his expression curiously. She didn’t think she was imagining the fact that he was slurring his words.

“I don’t know,” Jared said slowly. “It’s quieter than I expected. And calmer.”

“It’s still early,” Zoe nodded. “But, yeah, these things aren’t usually as crazy as they are in the movies. They’re actually kind of boring sometimes.”

“So, what do we do now?” Jared asked her.

“I’m going to go say hi to Sarah,” Zoe said. “You guys can do whatever you want. Just, I don’t know, stick together, I guess. You’ll be fine if you stick together.”

“You’re-you’re leaving us?” Evan asked in alarm. 

Zoe giggled when she looked at the three of them. It was clear that Evan wasn’t the only one nervous about the fact that she was going off on her own. “Just for a bit. You’ll be fine.” She tried and failed to swallow her laughter. “Oh my God. I didn’t think about this before. It’s like the blind leading the blind leading the blind. You can come with me if you want, but-”

“We’ll be out back,” Connor decided.

“Good idea,” Zoe said. “It should be quiet back there. There shouldn’t be many people outside yet.”

Zoe waited until they’d disappeared around the corner before she headed into the house. Sarah was standing in the foyer, greeting people as they came in. Zoe made a beeline for her and quickly thanked her for the invitation. Sarah insisted on taking a selfie with Zoe before she escaped. Zoe happily obliged. The more pictures, the better, as far as she was concerned. She wanted there to be as much photographic evidence as possible to prove that she’d actually been there.

Zoe made her way to the kitchen and helped herself to a handful of pretzels. She made small talk with a couple girls from her art class before deciding to wander around. She hadn’t made it very far when someone backed up and smacked right into her.

“Watch where you’re… Zoe!” Nicole’s tone went from sharp to surprised. Her expression from annoyed to perplexed. “What’re you doing here?”

“Sarah invited me,” Zoe informed her.

“And you said yes? You actually said yes to something that had to do with one of us?”

“Maya’s my friend. You all are, even if you don’t act like it,” Zoe said firmly.

“Well, aren’t you the bigger person?” Nicole grinned. “Come on. Maya will be happy to see you. Jenny too.”

Zoe knew she should feel suspicious and she was. She was more than a little skeptical about Nicole’s intentions, but she couldn’t help feeling relieved that Nicole was talking to her. Actually talking to her. Not at her or around her or about her.

They wove their way through the crowd until they reached the dining room. Nicole grabbed them each a drink and thrust Zoe’s cup at her. Zoe sniffed it and looked up at Nicole. “What is this?”

“Sarah’s boyfriend, Nate, made it. He calls it ‘Everything but the Kitchen Sink.’” Nicole took a sip and eyed Zoe expectantly.

Zoe inhaled quickly and sipped the drink before she could talk herself out of it. “Strong.”

“That’s kind of the point,” Nicole laughed. Her laughter cut short when she spotted something in the distance. Zoe hurried to keep up with her as Nicole strode over to the window. “Is that your brother?”

Zoe’s mouth twisted to the side as her eyes landed on the boys sitting at a picnic table in the middle of the yard. Jared had somehow managed to procure a drink and was sipping it while he stared at the sky. Evan was showing Connor something on his phone. Zoe decided that whatever they were watching must’ve been especially entertaining since neither of them noticed when Jared almost fell off the bench.

“You brought your brother with you?” Nicole asked incredulously. “Does Sarah know?”

“I didn’t realize I needed permission to bring people,” Zoe said shortly. 

“You don’t under normal circumstances,” Nicole hissed. “Notice I didn’t say anything about the other two? I mean, I’m assuming you brought them too. They’re not the problem though. What were you thinking bringing Connor here?”

Zoe’s heart began to race as she looked around the room. She grabbed Nicole’s arm and dragged her out onto the deck. It was empty except for two guys who were attempting to set up a sound system. Zoe watched as they gave up and went inside to find the keg.

“Seriously, Nicole,” Zoe sighed. “What’s your problem with Connor?”

“What’s my problem?” Nicole laughed mirthlessly. “I don’t know. I’ve only spent the last, what, eight years hearing you moan about him. And now he’s your best friend.”

“He’s-” Zoe shook her head. “Is that all this is? You think I’ve replaced you with my brother?”

“You’re not denying it.”

“Because it’s ridiculous!” Zoe exclaimed. She cringed at her volume and lowered her voice. “That can’t be it though. You’ve been upset longer than that. Longer than Connor and I have... have been getting along.”

“It’s… it’s everything, okay? You weren’t talking to me, to any of us. You shut us out. You canceled all our plans. You were never around and, when you were, it was clear your mind was elsewhere. Then, you and Connor became inseparable. Every time I saw you at school, you were together.”

“He needed me.”

“Why?” Nicole demanded.

“Because he did. Because…”

“Because what?”

“Because it’s not of your business, Nicole!”

“Why won’t you tell me? It can’t be any worse than what everyone’s already been saying! Was he in juvie? Or rehab? Or what?”

“Oh my God!” Zoe cried. “Stop asking me about it. It’s not my story to tell. And it really, truly is none of your business!”

“I don’t understand,” Nicole maintained. “We tell each other everything. At least, we used to. Can’t you see how embarrassing this has been for me? It’s been awful. Why can’t you just tell me what happened last-”

“I tried to kill myself.”

Zoe felt like there was ice water running through her veins. Her eyes bulged as she turned to face her brother. She hadn’t heard them come up the stairs, but there they were. All three of them were standing behind her. Jared was clutching the railing and blinking at the moon. Evan’s mouth kept opening and closing, but no sounds came out. 

And Connor… If looks could kill, Nicole would have been dead.

“You-” Nicole began to wheeze. She dropped her gaze before looking at Zoe again.

Zoe didn’t look away. She looked Nicole right in the eye and folded her arms across her chest.

Something about Zoe’s expression seemed to unnerve Nicole. She twisted her hands together and muttered, “I’m sorry. You were right. I had no right to-”

Zoe threw a hand up to stop her. “We’re leaving.”

Evan grabbed Jared’s arm and carefully guided him back down the stairs. Connor lingered for a moment before following them out. 

“Zo-zo,” Nicole started desperately.

“Don’t,” Zoe shook her head. Her eyes narrowed dangerously and she took a step forward. “If one word of this gets out, I will end you. Do you understand? I will destroy you.”

Nicole nodded rapidly. “I’m sorry. I’m really, really-”

“Save your breath,” Zoe said icily. “I’m not listening to anything else you have to say.” 

“So, is this it?” Nicole whispered as Zoe started to go. “We’re done? Our friendship is over?”

“Oh, Nicole,” Zoe said serenely. “We’ve been done. We just hadn’t realized it yet.”

Zoe felt like she was floating as she made her way down the stairs and to her car. She didn’t know if it was the drink, which she was still clutching, or the fact that she was finally free of Nicole.

Because that’s how it felt, like she was free. Free of the gossip and drama and pettiness that been a part of her life since they had turned fourteen and Nicole started allowing that side of her personality to do as it pleased.

Zoe knew she would miss Nicole. She would miss Maya and Jenny too. She hoped that the two of them would come around someday, that they’d stop being lemmings and start forging their own paths. She hoped that she would eventually find it in her to be civil to Nicole again. She didn’t know if that would ever happen, but she hoped it would. And, sometimes, hope was all she needed to keep going.


	32. Chapter 32

“Give me the keys,” Connor demanded as soon as Zoe reached the car.

“No!” Zoe jumped back instinctively as he made a grab for them.

“You’ve been drinking,” Connor snapped. “You’re not driving us home.”

“I had one sip. Literally one sip.” Zoe eyed the cup in her hand and dumped it out on the grass. She chucked the empty cup into a trashcan by the curb. 

“I’m driving,” Connor insisted.

Zoe rolled her eyes and handed him the keys. “Fine. I’m not drunk though. Do you want me to walk in a straight line?”

Connor unlocked the car and climbed in without bothering to reply. Zoe slid in next to him while Evan pulled Jared into the backseat. 

“How did he get so drunk?” Zoe wondered.

“He got into his parents’ liquor cabinet before you picked us up,” Evan told them. 

“Did you join him?” Zoe asked. “You seem pretty sober.”

“I’m-I’m totally sober,” Evan said quickly. “I… I like being in control of my, um, my actions.”

“We should take them back to our house,” Zoe decided. “Jared can’t go home like this.”

Connor nodded. “That’s where I was heading.”

They rode in silence, but it wasn’t the awkward kind. Connor could tell that Zoe’s mind was spinning and he didn’t want to interrupt her thought process. Jared was barely awake and Evan seemed content to stay quiet.

Connor knew Evan had questions about his confession on the deck, but he didn’t know if or when those questions would be asked out loud. He was banking on the fact that Jared was too out of it to remember what he’d said. Connor didn’t think that conversation would’ve gone well at all.

Zoe’s eyes widened when they pulled into the driveway. “Shit. Our parents haven’t even left yet.”

“We were barely gone an hour,” Connor pointed out.

“Okay,” Zoe breathed in sharply. “Okay, here’s the plan. I’ll go in and distract them. You two get Jared upstairs before they see him.”

Zoe looked at them quickly before hopping out of the car and hurrying into the house. Connor watched through the window as she ran into their parents and somehow managed to herd them into the kitchen.

“Okay, let’s do this,” Connor nodded. “Zoe’s good, but she won’t be able to keep them in there very long.”

They coaxed Jared out of the car and led him into the house. It was easier than Connor had expected. He wasn’t sure if that was because Jared was sobering up or because he was a very amiable drunk.

They had just reached the landing when Zoe poked her head out of the kitchen and said their parents wanted to see Connor. Connor gritted his teeth at her words. He knew why his parents wanted to see him. He knew what they thought they’d see, what they hoped they wouldn’t have to deal with.

“It’s okay,” Evan said quietly. “I can get Jared to your room on my own.”

Connor nodded briskly and followed Zoe into the kitchen. Their parents were standing by the kitchen island and trying not to look overtly nervous.

“You’re home early,” Cynthia said. “Did you have fun?”

Connor could feel them studying him. He briefly toyed with the idea of opening his eyes as widely as possible and offering to let them sniff his clothes.

“It was kind of a bust,” Connor said stiffly. He looked at Zoe quickly before continuing, “We decided to come home and have a movie night instead.”

“Evan and Jared are waiting for us,” Zoe chimed in. “So, we really should-”

“We were just talking to my brother,” Larry interrupted. “He said your cousin Josh wants to pick my brain when they come for Thanksgiving. You know Josh started college this year, don’t you?”

“Uh, no-” Zoe mumbled uncomfortably at the same time that Connor expressed his shock that their cousin had managed to get into college.

“Well, he did,” Larry frowned. “He’s going to quite a good school too. Kevin said Josh is thinking about becoming a lawyer.”

Connor tried and failed to hold back his laughter. The idea of his cousin, who had been an even bigger stoner than he had, becoming a lawyer was too much for him to handle. 

Zoe quickly faked a coughing fit to mask his laughter, but she wasn’t a good enough actress to fool their parents.

“Josh has really turned his life around,” Larry continued. “You could learn a thing or two from him.”

“I’ve already learned plenty from Josh,” Connor snapped. “He was the one who taught me how to roll a joint, you know.”

There was a moment of silence, a moment where it was like they were the only ones in the room. Connor met his father’s stare and held it. He could sense his mother stepping backwards, could feel the anxiety radiating off of Zoe, but none of that mattered. He didn’t look away until his father dropped his gaze.

“We’re late,” Larry finally said. “The party started an hour ago.”

“All right,” Cynthia nodded eagerly. “We won’t be long. We’re only going down the street if you need us.”

Zoe nodded and grabbed Connor’s arm. “Have fun!”

Connor didn’t put up a fight as Zoe shoved him out of the room.

“Are you okay?” Zoe hissed as soon as they reached the stairs.

“Yeah,” Connor shrugged. “Why?”

Zoe looked at him oddly. “Because it’s been a weird night. I mean, that whole Josh thing… And I’m sorry about Nicole, by the way. You shouldn’t have… You really didn’t have to tell her anything. I was handling it.”

“She wasn’t going to let it go.”

“No, but I was ready to let her go,” Zoe sighed. “I think it’s safe to say that we’re officially done being friends.”

Zoe cleared her throat and scratched her neck. “You don’t have to worry about her saying anything to anyone though. I made it clear what will happen if she tries something.”

“You’ll put a hit out on her?”

Zoe laughed and shook her head. “Let’s just say I have enough blackmail photos of her to make her think twice before pulling something.”

They heard a thumping sound in Connor’s room when they reached the door. They exchanged a confused look before heading in. Evan was kneeling on the floor, rubbing his head and blinking at his phone. Connor could hear water running in the bathroom and assumed that was where Jared had gone.

“Evan?” Zoe asked cautiously. “Everything okay?”

Evan stared up at them. His mouth dropped open when he saw Connor and he looked away quickly.

“What’s wrong?” Zoe asked in alarm. She knelt down and gently placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Uh… My phone…. I dropped it and-” Evan gestured under the bed. He took a breath and put a hand to his chest. All three of them jumped when his phone began to ring.

“Mom?” Evan answered breathlessly. “Yeah… That’s-that’s fine… I’ll-I’ll be outside in a-in a minute…”

Evan hung up and shakily tried to pull himself off the ground. Zoe automatically reached out to help him.

“What happened?” Zoe asked softly.

“My, um, my grandmother,” Evan said. “My mom just called and… My grandmother… She lives in Florida and she-she had a heart attack while she was driving.”

“Oh my God,” Zoe exclaimed. Her hand flew up to her mouth. “Is she okay?”

Evan shook his head. “I-I don’t know. My mom… My mom was crying too hard to… She was crying. My mom. She-she hardly ever cries.”

Connor watched as his sister put an arm around Evan’s shoulders. He was struck once again by the fact that Zoe somehow always seemed to know the right thing to say and do.

“It’s okay,” Zoe murmured soothingly. “Your mom’s coming to get you?”

“Yeah,” Evan nodded. “She, um, she found us a flight. We’re-we’re heading to Florida tonight.”

“Okay,” Zoe nodded. “Okay, so-”

Connor moved to the window and stared down at the street. “There’s a car approaching. I think they’re slowing down.”

“Come on,” Zoe said. “I’ll walk you out.”

Evan shook his head. “No-no, it’s okay. I’ll… Just keep an eye on Jared.”

“Of course,” Zoe promised. “We’ll make sure he’s okay.”

Evan nodded once more and let himself out of the room. 

Zoe popped into the bathroom to check on Jared while Connor continued to stare out the window. He watched as Evan got into his mother’s car. His eyes followed them until they disappeared around the corner.

“You know, it’s funny,” Zoe said as she emerged from the bathroom. “When we first walked in, I assumed that Evan had found something that weirded him out under your bed.”

“I don’t have anything under there,” Connor said defensively.

“Yeah, you do,” Zoe smirked. “Not like you used to, but you know Mom still checks, don’t you?”

Connor frowned and squinted at his bed. “She does?”

“Of course, she does,” Zoe rolled her eyes. “Don’t worry. They don’t care about your porn stash. In fact, I think it made Dad kind of happy when they found it. He kept saying it was a sign that you’re at least somewhat normal, even though I think he was kind of uncomfortable with the fact that there were guys in there too.”

Connor eyed the bathroom door. “Is he-”

“Asleep,” Zoe confirmed. “He passed out on the floor. We should probably prop him up so he doesn’t choke to death.”

Connor nodded and frowned as a thought occurred to him. “You don’t think that’s why… Evan was looking at me strangely. You don’t think he-”

“Is weirded out by your collection?” Zoe finished. “I thought of that, but Evan doesn’t strike me as the type to let that kind of thing bother him. And, if he is, well, he’ll just have to get over it, won’t he?”

“Yeah,” Connor said uncertainly. “You want to help me move Jared to the guestroom?”

“Do you think that’s a good idea?” Zoe wondered. “I was thinking we should set up the air mattress in here, so you’ll hear him if he starts choking or something.”

“He owes us,” Connor grunted.

“Big time,” Zoe nodded solemnly. “Come on. I think Mom stashed it in the attic.”


	33. Chapter 33

Alana’s eyes narrowed when the overhead light flickered on above her. She tried to wipe the exasperation off her face as she turned to watch her father come down the stairs. He had never come into her room uninvited before and, when she stopped to think about, she realized he’d said something about having to do some laundry before he went to bed.

“Oh, good,” Mr. Beck said as he opened the washer. “You’re still up. I was afraid I’d wake you.”

“It’s only ten,” Alana pointed out.

“I know,” her father nodded. “But, you’ve been down here for hours. Don’t tell me you’ve been studying all night. It’s Friday! Where’s Tracy? Isn’t this your movie night?”

“Why does everyone keep asking that?” Alana snapped. She recoiled at her tone and hugged a pillow to her chest. “Sorry, Daddy. I didn’t mean-”

“You’ve finally done it, haven’t you?” Mr. Beck shook his head sadly. “You finally managed to push Tracy away.”

Alana closed her science book and dangled her feet over the side of her bed. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about the fact that you’ve finally managed to push your best friend away.”

She watched as her father started his wash. He nodded at her bed when he was done. She silently scooted over to make room for him.

“I think it’s time we had one of our talks.”

Alana looked down when she saw the beady look in his eye and nodded reluctantly.

“You know, your mother and I have always worried about the four of you for different reasons. We knew early on what those reasons were going to be. We worried that Alice was moving too fast and falling in with a tough crowd. We worried about the fact that Alicia is lazy and never takes anything seriously. And we worried about the fact that you and Alan take everything too seriously.

“I think your brother has finally figured out how to balance things. He’s discovered that it’s possible to have a social life and excel in school and keep his spot on the football team. Now, I just try to keep reminding him that he doesn’t have to be the best at everything he does.

“But, you… You, baby girl, you still see things the way you did when you were twelve. I can still picture your face the day you heard Alice was pregnant. You told me that I didn’t have to worry, that that was never going to be you.”

Alana stared at her hands as the memory filled her mind. “I never wanted to be like Alice or Alicia. I’ve always wanted more than that.

“I know,” Mr. Beck nodded. “And you’re going to get it. You will, without a doubt, be more successful in life than your sisters. I just hope you manage to find a bit of happiness to go along with your success.

Alana tilted her head in confusion. “I’m not unhappy…”

“Maybe not, but you’ve somehow gotten it into your head that you should keep people at a distance. You’ve always thought that, even when you were a kid. You liked to hang back and observe before making a move.”

“I’m not shy or anything,” Alana said defensively. “I’m always involved in things.”

“Oh, no, that’s not what I meant. You’re all for helping people and getting involved in projects. You’re definitely not one to avoid the limelight. You get that from me, you know?”

Alana nodded smugly. “I know.”

“I just think that you watched your sisters and took their mistakes to heart. You were wary of those slackers Alicia hung out with and you saw how Alice’s friends were constantly getting her into trouble. By the time you got to middle school, you’d decided it was a waste of your time and energy to maintain friendships. Real friendships, not the casual ones you formed in your extracurriculars.

“Then, Tracy came along and your mother and I were thrilled. She got you. The two of you seemed like you were cut from the same cloth.”

“I thought we were too.”

“There’s nothing wrong with having friends, Lanie. Just because Tracy has other friends now, it doesn’t mean-”

“I know,” Alana cut in shortly. 

“So, what’s the problem then?” Mr. Beck asked gently.

Alana couldn’t bring herself to look him in the eye. She let out a breath and hugged her pillow a bit tighter.

“Well, whatever it is, you know we’re here for you, right? Your mother and I… We’re Team Alana, no matter what.”

Alana kept her head down until she was sure he wasn’t staring at her. When she finally looked up, she eyed the washer and asked, “You want me to throw your clothes in the dryer for you?”

“Do you mind? I didn’t come down here with the intention of adding to your chore list.”

“You’re not,” Alana shrugged. “It’s not a problem for me to throw your clothes in. Just don’t expect me to fold them too.”

“I’m not like your sisters,” Mr. Beck sighed. He smiled when he saw the surprise on Alana’s face. “Oh, I see what you do around here, Lanie. Your mother does too. We appreciate it, even if we don’t show our appreciation as often as we should.”

Alana looked down again, but there was a smile on her face. “It’s nothing.”

“It’s not nothing,” Mr. Beck insisted. He stood up and gazed at the stairs. “I’ll let you get back to your homework. Just promise me you’ll think about what I said.”

“I will,” Alana assured him. She bowed her head as her father leaned down to kiss her forehead. 

Alana picked up her textbook and rolled her eyes as she dropped it on the floor. She was no longer in the mood to study. She grabbed her phone and unlocked the screen. There was a text from Tracy, asking if she wanted to go to the movies with them.

With them. With Tracy and John and their many, many friends. 

Alana knew the phrasing was deliberate. She could picture Tracy typing and retyping the message over and over until she felt like she’d gotten it right. 

Alana weighed her options. She considered texting Tracy back and claiming that she’d just seen the message. She could ask how the movie was and see if Tracy wanted to meet up at some point that weekend to work on one of their projects. Alana knew the answer would be yes. Tracy would find the time to squeeze Alana into her schedule.

Alana glanced at Tracy’s text again as something Alicia had said earlier popped into her head. Alicia had told Alana that she was just jealous. She hadn’t said it to be mean or rude or spiteful. Alicia had looked and sounded sad when she shook her head at her sister. She’d squeezed Alana’s shoulder and told her to get over herself.

Alana wasn’t sure what to make of that. She wasn’t jealous of Tracy. She didn’t want what Tracy had. Alana had asked her sister what she was supposed to be jealous of, but Alicia had just sighed and left the room without saying a word. 

Tracy’s newfound popularity had confirmed something that Alana had known for a while. Tracy had it easier than she did. Things came naturally to Tracy. She made everything look smooth and effortless. Alana knew that wasn’t usually the case. They’d studied together enough over the years that she knew exactly how hard Tracy worked. There were just some things that were easy for her. Things like getting people to like her and want her around. 

It wasn’t that Alana had wanted to be Homecoming Queen. She didn’t even want to be popular. How on earth would she find the time to fit parties and dates into her schedule? Tracy was already falling behind on her workload and she wasn’t even that serious about John. Or so she said. Alana had her doubts whenever she saw them together.

Alana just wanted to be noticed. She didn’t want to be someone her classmates only kind of tolerated. She wanted people to see and acknowledge her efforts to make their lives better. It wasn’t like that was the only reason she did what she did, but she couldn’t help feeling bitter about the fact that it was just somehow expected that she would always go the extra mile and make sure everything was taken care of properly. There were times when she considered slacking off and letting someone else stress out over the details, but she knew she was too much of a perfectionist to ever let that happen.

Alana had always thought Tracy was the same way, but she was beginning to question that assumption. When she thought about it, she realized that Tracy had never initiated any of their projects. She’d always been happy to help when Alana asked her, but she’d never been the one to find a charity for them to support or a classmate who needed assistance.

The thought made Alana want to pause and reevaluate everything she thought she knew about their friendship. Or partnership. That was better. Alan had once called them partners in crime. Alana liked the sound of that. They worked well together, no matter what. That was something she needed to keep in mind when she found herself getting annoyed with Tracy.

Alana’s phone buzzed and she looked down to read a text from Tracy stating that the movie had been stupid. Alana started to tap out a response, but changed her mind and hit the call button instead. Her family was right. She needed to make peace with Tracy and there were some things she knew shouldn’t be done via text message.


	34. Chapter 34

**Monday, November 20, 2017 10:35 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

So, lunch was kind of weird today. I usually eat outside with my friend H, but he’s away this week. Our friend K eats with us sometimes because he’s known H since they were kids. I didn’t expect K to eat with me today since H wasn’t there, but he was already on our regular bench when I got there. When I asked him why he wasn’t sitting with his usual lunch group, he said he was afraid people would think I was plotting to blow up the school if they saw me sitting outside by myself.

He won’t admit it, but I know he really feels like he owes me for saving his drunk a** this weekend.

About halfway through the lunch period, my sister, who never eats with us, found us and announced that she hates everyone today. She had a big fight with her friend N over the weekend. Apparently, N and her followers have now started spreading rumors about my sister. 

My sister wouldn’t get into it. She just kept saying that she should’ve been more specific when she threatened N on Friday.

My sister and K talked non-stop the whole time. It was weird because I’ve gotten used to sitting with H, who is totally fine with the idea of eating in silence when he doesn’t have anything to say.

I didn’t have much to contribute to their conversation. Neither of them seemed to appreciate my ideas for how my sister can get back at N.

**Sincerely,  
L**

 

**Wednesday, November 22, 2017 7:56 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

Have you ever gone to the grocery store the day before Thanksgiving?

If you haven’t, don’t. Trust me. Don’t go. Order Chinese if it comes to that.

If you have, I’m surprised you’re still alive.

**Sincerely,  
L**

 

**Thursday, November 23, 2017 11:01 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

How was your Thanksgiving? Did you and your mom have a good day? I hope she got to spend it with you.

My family hosted our usual nuthouse of a dinner. I could write a freaking novel about it, but I’ll just give you the highlights.

My sister and Aunt J decided to be my guard dogs for the day. They pounced on anyone who dared to bring up what happened to me last spring. Most of my relatives don’t know the specifics, so things got messy fast. My mother ended up screaming at Aunt J that she wasn’t helping. She then snapped at my sister and sent her outside to watch the kids playing in our backyard. 

My sister took me with her because she couldn’t, in her words, leave me to the wolves. We ended up sitting at the kids’ table when it was time to eat since my sister decided that was the safest spot. 

My cousin J managed to corner me before he left. He said our fathers wanted him to talk to me about my plans for next year. He told me he could give me tons of advice since he went through the application process last year. I said I only had one question. I wanted to know whether his school does random drug testing. That shut him up fast.

**Sincerely,  
L**

 

**Friday, November 24, 2017 2:48 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

I’m writing this while watching a football game with my dad. Yes, you read that correctly.

My mother and sister are out shopping, so he decided we should spend the afternoon watching the games he recorded yesterday. He couldn’t watch them live because Mom has a strict no-football policy on Thanksgiving.

This is the first time he’s ever included me in his traditional Black Friday screening. Usually, he camps out in the living room and watches the games by himself. This year, he decided it was time to teach me about football. I would’ve said no, but my mother looked so excited about the idea of us spending the day together that I couldn’t refuse. 

It hasn’t been too bad so far. He hasn’t mentioned college or my future once. He gave up trying to explain the game to me when he realized nothing he said was sticking. He told me I could get my laptop if I wanted since it was clear I wasn’t interested. He actually didn’t sound upset when he said it though. He said he was the same way when his father tried to get him into tennis. 

We didn’t talk for a while after that, but then the first game ended and he started asking me questions. He said he wanted to know all about my friends. He asked if I have a favorite subject in school. I told him I don’t mind English, which was kind of a mistake since it opened up a floodgate of follow-up questions.

He asked what my sister and I do when we’re home alone. He said it makes him happy to see us getting along. He wanted to know about a band he heard me listening to the other day. He said it reminded him of a group he liked when he was in law school. He asked if I could make him a CD of their music. 

That seemed to be the last topic on his checklist because he put the next game on when I said I could. He hasn’t said anything for an hour now, except to ask if I could get him another drink.

I got him a soda, even though I know he’d rather have a beer. He may be trying to bond with me today, but I know he’d freak if he realized I know where the alcohol is hidden.

**Sincerely,  
L**

 

**Saturday, November 25, 2017 5:16 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

I’ve been going through my message log again to try to figure out if I said something wrong.

If I did, I’m sorry. For whatever it was.

You were right. 

The silent treatment really does suck.

**Sincerely,  
L**


	35. Chapter 35

Evan snapped his laptop shut and pushed it across the desk. He couldn’t keep staring at the YANA screen. It was like the cursor was mocking him with its incessant blinking. If he read the words Dear Friend one more time, he was going to…

He wasn’t sure what he would do, exactly. He couldn’t do much of anything while he was in his grandmother’s condo, surrounded by her noisy, but well-meaning friends.

He tapped his fingers on the desk and pushed himself back in the chair. He just barely managed to grab onto the ledge before he fell all the way back. His arms shook as he righted himself. That would have been an embarrassing accident. The crash would’ve caused his mother and their remaining guests to come running.

It had been a long day. A long week. He was feeling restless and tired and dizzy from all the stress. He took a breath and held it when he heard footsteps coming down the hall. He waited, hoping to hear the bathroom door squeak open, but he quickly realized he was out of luck. There was a soft knock on the guestroom door before it opened and his mother stepped in. “They’re almost all gone.”

“Oh,” Evan nodded. A wave of relief spread through him when he realized she’d come alone. “Should I… Do I have to go back out there?”

Heidi shook her head. “It’s fine. You did well today. You lasted longer than I thought you would.” She made a face when she realized what she’d said. “Shit. I didn’t mean that to sound so-”

“I know what you meant,” Evan assured her. His eyes narrowed as he studied her. “Do you want to sit down? Did you, um, did you sleep at all last night?”

His mother had been sleeping in the living room since they’d gotten there. She’d insisted that Evan needed his own room more than she did. Neither of them had brought up the possibility of using his grandmother’s bedroom.

“Do I look that tired?” Heidi chuckled disbelievingly. 

“No, but… Did you?” Evan persisted.

“I shut my eyes for a while,” Heidi admitted. “I don’t think I actually slept though.”

“You need to sleep,” Evan insisted. “And eat. Have you eaten at all today?”

“Look at you,” Heidi grinned. “Are we doing a Freaky Friday thing here? Please tell me you got that reference.”

“I got it.”

“Good. I could eat. I…” She stared at the ceiling thoughtfully. “I’ve only had half a donut all day.”

“Okay,” Evan said, standing up. “Is there anything left out there?”

“Are you kidding? We have enough food to feed a small army.”

“Then, let’s-”

Heidi gently reached out and touched her son’s arm. “He’s still here.”

“What?” Evan froze in his tracks and stared at her.

Heidi shut her eyes for a moment. “Your father’s still here. He said he’s not leaving without saying goodbye to you.”

Evan took a step backward. His eyes darted around the room anxiously as his heart sped up. “Why is he even here? She was your mother, not his. She didn’t even like him! She was always saying-”

“Evan-”

“She didn’t! She-she didn’t. She said-”

“Sweetie, I know, but your father… He’s here to pay his respects.” 

“Respects?” Evan spat. “He… I don’t want to see him. I thought I made that clear this morning.”

“I know, but he’s your father. He’s always going to be your father. He came here for you, you know. Because he knew you’d be here. Your father may be a lot of things, but even he’s smart enough to know that he wouldn’t receive a warm welcome here.”

“Why does he even care if I’m here? What difference does it make?”

“Why don’t you ask him?” Heidi suggested quietly.

Evan took a breath. His shoulders shuddered as he let it out. “You’ll stay with me?”

“If that’s what you want,” Heidi nodded tentatively. 

The living room was nearly empty when they got there. Evan quickly spotted his father sitting on the couch with Betty, the woman who kept proclaiming that she had been his grandmother’s best friend.

“Oh, there you are!” Betty beamed when she noticed them. “Dan and I were just talking about you. I was telling him all about how you used to come down here to visit when you were a boy. I remember one time when you were nine or ten and your grandmother and I took you to a street carnival. Do you remember?”

“Um, sort of,” Evan said uncertainly. He looked at his mother quickly. She gave him an encouraging smile and wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

“It was such a hot day. And the carnival was so loud. Your grandmother and I went to get drinks and, when we turned around, you were gone. We were beside ourselves. We ran up and down the street, asking everyone if they’d seen you. We checked with every vendor, looked at every game. Nothing. Then, finally, your grandmother noticed a man sitting on a bench, making a dreamcatcher.”

“I remember that part,” Evan nodded.

Betty grinned and continued, “You were sitting next to him, totally and completely enraptured by the process. Your grandmother bought two dreamcatchers that day. She sent one home with you and the other-”

“Is in the guestroom,” Evan cut in. He felt his mother tighten her grip on him, but refused to meet her eye.

Betty nodded happily and announced that she should get going. She stood up and gestured at the trio of women hovering nearby. They nodded at her and headed for the door. “Heidi, be a dear and walk us out. I have something for you in the car. I meant to bring it up, but… Well, my mind’s not what it used to be.”

Heidi nodded and looked at Evan quickly. “I’ll just be a minute.”

Evan watched as she followed them out. He knew it would be at least a half hour before she managed to escape from her mother’s friends.

“So,” Dan said lightly. He patted the cushion next to him and scooted over. Evan hesitated a moment before plopping down. “Seventeen? Wow. How’d that happen?”

Evan’s head tilted to the side as he stared at his father. “The usual way, I guess?”

“Right, right, of course,” Dan nodded eagerly and patted his knees. “I know it’s been a while since-”

“Three years,” Evan interrupted. “It’s been three years since I last saw you.”

“Three years,” Dan repeated. His let out a low whistle and shook his head. “Right. We had, um, we had dinner when I was in town.”

“Lunch,” Evan corrected.

“Lunch. You are so, so right about that. You were… You were reading those Harry Potter books. Did you ever finish them?”

“I was rereading them for, like, the tenth time. I’ve read them at least two more times since then.”

“That’s good. Great. You like to read then?”

Evan shrugged. “Sometimes.”

“You always were a smart kid. How’s school going? You graduate this year?”

“Yeah,” Evan muttered. He resisted the urge to slide down into the cushions by forcing himself to sit up as straight as possible.

“Do you like school?”

“Not really.”

“Not really,” Dan chuckled. “Yeah, I get that. No one really likes high school, do they? I’m always leery when I hear someone say it was the best time of their life.”

Evan nodded and watched as his hands clenched and unclenched in front of him.

“So, what do you like to do then? Do you play video games? Didn’t I send you a console for your birthday one year?”

“Yeah. I don’t use it very much.”

“So, what do you do for fun then? Do you-”

Evan shook his head and stood up. There was a prickling feeling spreading through his body and it was more than he could take. He needed to get away, to leave the room before something happened that he would regret. “I think I’ll go see if Mom needs help.”

“Evan-”

“I can’t do this, okay? You’ve-you’ve fulfilled your duties. You paid your respects to Grandma and you saw me. You saw that I’m-that I’m alive and-and well. You can go home feeling proud of yourself for, um, for doing the-the right thing.”

“Is that what you think-”

“Bye, Dad. Have a safe flight.”

His tone was sharper than he’d intended, but Evan didn’t care. He turned on his heel and strode to the guestroom without looking back. He locked the door behind himself and leaned against it while he caught his breath. He listened for his father’s footsteps, but they never came.

Evan crossed the room to look out the window. He watched as his father emerged from the building and got into his rental car. His mother looked at her ex in alarm before turning around to search for Evan. Her face was unreadable when their eyes met.

Evan cursed softly and collapsed onto the desk chair. His breathing grew more and more ragged as he stared down at his laptop. He whipped it open and logged onto YANA before he could lose the nerve. The words flew out of him at record speed. He stared at his message for a moment. He could hear his mother calling to him, could see the door handle jiggle as she tried to come in. He hit send before he went to meet her.

 

**Sunday, November 26, 2017 6:06 PM**

**Dear Friend:**

I know who you are.

I saw your backpack, LCM.

**Sincerely,  
E**


	36. Chapter 36

“So, then my brother got up and said-”

Jared stopped talking abruptly as he leaned forward to look at something behind Zoe. She swallowed her laughter when she spotted Connor stumbling across the grass toward them.

“He isn’t, uh, drunk, is he?” Jared hissed.

“No,” Zoe shook her head adamantly. “He… He knows not to…”

Zoe stood up to meet him. She was suddenly struck by a wave of uncertainty as she studied her brother’s face. “Connor? What-what’s wrong?”

Jared’s head snapped back and forth as he observed the two of them. “Hey, you know, I think I’ll go get a drink. Anyone want anything? No? Okay. Good.”

Jared looked over his shoulder once before he disappeared into the building. Zoe had a feeling he wouldn’t be back.

Zoe reached out and eased Connor onto the bench next to her. “You look like you saw a ghost. Did something happen?”

Connor stared at her for a moment before letting his head drop down.

“Lunch is almost over, but you can have half my sandwich if you want,” Zoe offered. “Mom packed too much food today. I think she’s trying to get rid of our Thanksgiving leftovers so she can start a new diet.”

Zoe cringed at the thought. She waited for Connor to do the same and was disappointed when he didn’t. “Where were you just now? I was getting worried. I thought you might’ve skipped or-”

“I was in the computer lab.”

“Oh,” Zoe nodded. “Mom said our internet should be back up tonight. She called a guy to come look at it today.”

Zoe bit her lip as she squinted at him. “So, Jared said Evan should be back soon.”

She shook her head when she saw how quickly that got Connor’s attention. “You heard about his grandmother, didn’t you?”

“That she had a heart attack,” Connor replied hesitantly.

“That she died,” Zoe clarified. “They had the funeral… I forget when, exactly. But, yeah, Evan should be back any day now. His mom has to stay down there for a little while to straighten some things out. She’s sending Evan back sometime this week so he doesn’t miss too much school.”

“Oh,” Connor shrugged.

“His mom called Jared’s mom last night to see if Evan can stay with them until she returns. Jared said his mom said yes, but is kind of freaking out since they don’t really have much space. So, I texted Mom and asked if Evan can stay with us instead.”

Connor’s jaw clenched as he turned to face her. “You what?”

Zoe blinked at him in surprise. “It just makes sense, you know. We have the room. We have an entire guest suite. Two of them, if you count Mom’s sewing room. Three, if you count Dad’s ‘gym.’”

“And Mom said-”

“Yes, of course.” Zoe’s head tilted to the side as she tried to interpret his expression. “What’s the problem?”

“You should’ve asked me first,” Connor grumbled. 

“I didn’t think you’d care,” Zoe snapped defensively. “Look, I’ll tell Jared to forget it, if you want. It’s just… I feel bad for Evan. Things are crazy at Jared’s house and it sounds like they’ve been crazy in Florida. Jared said Evan’s mom’s having a rough time and there was some whole thing with his dad.”

“With Evan’s dad?” 

“Yeah,” Zoe nodded. “I don’t know what happened exactly, but Jared said Evan’s mom is keeping him there until she’s sure he’s calmed down.”

Connor drummed his hands on the bench. His eyes snapped shut when the bell rang.

Zoe watched him cautiously and waited for him to get up. She whispered his name when the second bell sounded.

Connor swung his bag onto his shoulder and made a beeline across the lawn. It only took Zoe a second to realize that he was heading for the parking lot. She grabbed her things and hurried to catch up with him.

“Where are we going?”

Connor didn’t break his stride when she reached him. “I’m leaving. You’re late for class.”

“I only have Art and Gym this afternoon. And Computer Science, but that’s basically a free period since Mr. Jefferson took over.” Zoe tried to grab his arm, but he pulled it away before she made contact. “How do you think you’re going to get out of here? I have the keys… Unless… Unless, you found your set, didn’t you?”

Connor narrowed his eyes and pulled his keys out of his pocket. 

“Great. So, not only were you planning to cut class, but you were also going to strand me at school.”

“You would’ve found a way home,” Connor shrugged.

“Yeah, after I reported the car as stolen. Did you think about that?”

“I would’ve texted you.”

“Gee, thanks,” Zoe rolled her eyes. She nodded at their car as they drew closer. “So, where are we going?”

“I’m going for a drive. You’re going to class.”

“I’m not leaving you alone. Not when you’re like this.”

“Like what?” Connor snapped.

“Don’t make me say it.”

Zoe’s heart sped up as she reached for the door handle. Connor met her stare and held it. For a second, she thought he was going to argue, to insist that she go back inside. Then, he looked down and unlocked the car.

Zoe buckled her seatbelt as soon as she climbed in. She waited for Connor to do the same. She looked at him out of the corner of her eye before turning to watch him directly. His hands were on the steering wheel and he was staring straight ahead, but he hadn’t put the key in the ignition yet.

Connor blinked several times and slumped down in his seat. “There’s something I should tell you. That… That I want to tell you.”

“Okay,” Zoe said slowly. 

“But, first, you have to promise not to judge.”

“I promise.”

“I mean it. If you criticize me or-”

“I won’t.”

Connor glared at her. “And no interrupting either.”

Zoe frowned and pretended to zip her mouth shut.

“Okay,” Connor nodded. He took a breath and shut his eyes. “Okay… So, you know how I have a pen pal?”

Zoe nodded. She listened intently while he talked. It took him a while. She didn’t think she’d ever heard him talk that long. There were times where it was hard for her to remain quiet. There were several points where she longed to jump in and ask him what he’d been thinking. She kept her word though and stayed silent until he finished telling her all about YANA and E and Evan.

“So,” Zoe huffed when he’d been quiet for over a minute. “You’ve basically been catfishing Evan for the last couple months.”

“That’s not…” Connor leaned forward and tightened his grip on the steering wheel. “That’s what you’re getting from this?”

“What were you thinking?” Zoe sighed. She knew she should try to keep the judgement out of her tone, but she couldn’t help it. She closed her eyes for a moment while she attempted to collect her thoughts. 

Connor let go of the steering wheel and stared blankly at the cars parked in front of them. “What would you have done?”

“What?” Zoe shook her head.

“I’m serious. What would you have done? What would a normal person have done in this situation?”

“I…” Zoe crossed her arms across her chest and pushed her head back against the seat. “I don’t know. I probably would’ve stopped writing to E. I would’ve told Dr. Weinstein that I needed a new pen pal or that I was done with the program.”

Connor nodded grudgingly. “Makes sense.”

Zoe looked at him quickly before turning to stare out the window. She didn’t know what to say. She couldn’t think of even one piece of advice to offer. She felt sad for him. Her nose wrinkled when she realized that was the primary emotion she was feeling. She felt sad for him, and for Evan. Mainly for him though. She could clearly see how the mess he’d made was affecting him.

“What’re you going to do?” Zoe finally asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

“No fucking clue,” Connor mumbled. He pulled himself up in the seat and started the engine so suddenly that the sound made Zoe jump.

“Where are we going?”

Connor shrugged as he pulled out of the parking spot. “Anywhere but here.”


	37. Chapter 37

The water was colder than Evan had expected. He shivered as it lapped against his feet. He heard a sniffle behind him and turned around to see his mother wiping her eyes.

“Sorry, honey. It just hits me at random times.”

“I know. It’s fine,” Evan whispered softly. “I miss her too.”

Heidi squeezed his hand and linked their arms together. “We should go in a minute if you’re going to make your flight.”

“Are you sure you’re okay? I don’t mind staying.”

“You have to get back to school. I don’t want you falling behind.”

“Alana’s been emailing me my assignments. She even sent her notes for the classes we have together so I can try to keep up.”

“I like that girl,” Heidi nodded approvingly.

Evan looked down as he dug his toes into the sand. It still felt weird to live in a world where Alana Beck not only noticed that he wasn’t in school, but actually cared enough to try to help him out. Her first email had been a long one. She’d gone on about how sad she was when her grandmother died and how she’d be there for him if he ever wanted to talk about it. He doubted that he would, but he thought it was nice of her to offer.

“Still,” Heidi persisted. “You should head back. I’ll be fine. Betty said she and the other girls will help me sort everything out.”

Evan nodded slightly. “You said Jared’s picking me up?”

“And taking you to the Murphys’ house,” Heidi confirmed. “Cynthia said she would make sure one of her kids gives him a key to the house. She said to tell you to make yourself at home and eat anything you want. She doesn’t know what time everyone will be home. Connor has a doctor’s appointment and Zoe has band practice, so you might be on your own for a while.”

Evan used his toe to kick a chunk of sand into the air. He had been planning to make one more attempt at changing her mind, but he couldn’t bring himself to upset his mother even further. He knew how hard this was for her. They’d discussed it at length. He’d insisted that he would be fine staying in their house by himself. She’d said that she didn’t trust him to remember to eat and sleep when she wasn’t there.

Evan knew it went beyond that though. He knew what she was thinking when she hugged him and told him to take care of himself because she couldn’t handle losing him too.

“How long do you think you’re going to stay here?” Evan asked for what felt like the tenth time that day. 

Heidi smiled patiently and squeezed his hand again. “Not long, hopefully. I’ll let you know as soon as I know so you can tell Cynthia.”

Evan didn’t think he was imagining the bitterness in his mother’s tone. He knew she hated feeling like a charity case, but she hadn’t been able to pass up Cynthia’s offer to let them use the Murphys’ travel points.

“We need to go,” Heidi sighed as she checked her watch. 

They hiked back up the hill and rinsed their feet off before getting into the rental car. Evan was careful to make sure he didn’t have any sand on him before he sat down. He didn’t want to be the reason his mother lost her deposit.

 

The drive to the airport was fast and almost completely silent. It wasn’t that there was nothing left to say, just that there wasn’t anything that still needed to be said.

Evan hugged his mother goodbye at the drop-off point. She quickly reminded him about everything he had to do when he went into the airport. He assured her that he’d be fine, even though his heart was starting to pound in his chest. It wasn’t the first time he’d flown alone, but it was the first time he would be getting on a plane without being enrolled in the airline’s program for unaccompanied minors.

The boarding process proved to be much easier than Evan had anticipated. The clerk at the check-in counter was brisk and to the point. Evan decided he liked her because he barely had to say a word during their entire exchange.

He found his seat on the plane without any difficulty and was relieved when he realized that his neighbors appeared to be a foreign couple who didn’t speak English. He decided to play it safe anyway though and popped his earbuds in as soon as the plane took off.

He stared out the window and adjusted the volume on his iPod to block out the sounds around him. He grabbed the magazine his mother had shoved in his carry-on, but found it impossible to focus on or care about the latest celebrity gossip. 

It didn’t take long for Evan’s mind to begin to drift. He shut his eyes and tried to push the thoughts out of his mind. He’d managed to keep them at bay for days, but he had a feeling he’d only been able to do that successfully because he’d been determined not to worry his mother.

Now, there was nothing stopping him from obsessing about YANA and L and Connor and… Evan’s eyes flew open. He eyed the barf bag in front of him and debated if he needed to breathe into it. 

The foreign couple looked at him suspiciously and said something he didn’t think he wanted to understand.

Evan closed his eyes again and slid down in his seat. He’d nearly had a heart attack when his mother had told him about the change of plans. He hadn’t been thrilled about the idea of staying with Jared’s family, but he’d been okay with it. It wouldn’t have been the first time he’d spent the night there. He knew what to expect as their houseguest. 

Evan had texted Jared as soon as his mother told him what was going on. At first, he’d tried not to sound too desperate, but then he’d decided that he really didn’t care how frantic or strange he sounded. He’d practically begged Jared to find a spot somewhere in his house for him. Jared had finally said that he would stay with the Murphys, if it was that big of a problem, and Evan could stay at his house and sleep in his room with his brother, who snored and had night terrors. 

Evan had actually given that option a lot of thought before he realized that he would eventually have to explain the arrangement to his mother. That was one conversation he definitely didn’t want to have.

It suddenly occurred to Evan that he hadn’t checked YANA since he’d sent his last message. That had been… Evan stared at the ceiling while he tried to count the days in his head. It was amazing how easy it was to lose track of time when he wasn’t in school. 

It had been five days? He thought that sounded about right. He wondered if there was a message waiting for him. He wondered if L had denied it or asked what he was talking about. He wondered, not for the first time, if he had made a mistake. Maybe it was all just some freaky, weird coincidence. 

Connor had said he didn’t use YANA. He had actually come out and said he didn’t use it. Evan had believed him. There had been no reason not to believe him.

He’d been noticing off and on for months that there were certain similarities between Connor and L, but he hadn’t given it much thought. If he’d been writing to someone named C… Well, that would’ve been different. Evan liked to think that he would’ve figured it out a lot faster if that had been the case.

If there even was something that needed figuring out. The more he thought about it, the worse Evan felt. He was starting to regret his decision to confront L. What if he was wrong? Or, even worse, what if he was right? What was he going to do? How on earth was he going to stay with the Murphys and act like everything was fine? 

The foreign couple was talking to the flight attendant. Evan tilted his head as the three of them regarded him. His hands were sweating and his teeth were grinding audibly. He took a breath and tried to calm down. His arms shook as he made a show of yawning and stretching. He offered them what he hoped was a weak smile before closing his eyes and pretending to sleep.


	38. Chapter 38

The house was empty when they got there. Evan was glad that Jared had walked up with him because the sound of the alarm blaring made him jump. He didn’t think he would’ve been able to turn it off fast enough on his own.

“You sure you don’t want to come with me?” Jared offered again. “I can totally sneak you into any movie you want to see.”

Evan shook his head. “I don’t want to be the reason you get fired from the movie theater.”

“They won’t fire me,” Jared insisted. “They love me there.”

“There’s nothing I really want to see now. Besides, it’d probably seem rude if I’m not here when everyone gets home.”

“Suit yourself,” Jared shrugged and turned to go.

“Hey, Jared,” Evan said quickly. “Do you, uh, do you want to do something tomorrow? Hang out, I mean. Or would Sunday be better? Whatever works better for you.”

“I’ll swing by tomorrow and get you out of the house for a couple hours,” Jared smirked.

Evan nodded thankfully. He locked the door after Jared left and eyed the alarm panel. Jared had given him a note from Connor’s mother explaining how to work it. He carefully hit the keys until it chirped to life again. 

When the beeping stopped, he grabbed his bags and headed up the stairs. The note had also told him that he would be staying in the guestroom across from Connor’s room. 

The room was plain, but spotless. It was obvious that someone had cleaned it recently. Evan was relieved to see that there was a bathroom attached to it. The only other bathroom he knew about was the one in Connor’s room and that fact had caused him to feel more than a little anxious.

Evan dropped his bags on the ground and pulled out his phone to call his mom. To his surprise, she answered on the first ring. He told her that the flight was fine and he was at the Murphys’ house. She reminded him to be a courteous guest and clean up after himself. 

She then paused a moment before telling him that she’d just gotten off the phone with his father. Evan collapsed onto the edge of the bed as he waited for her to go on. She explained that his father felt terrible about the way he’d left things with Evan. She said they’d actually had a good talk. Dan had spoken to his wife and they’d decided to travel during the holidays. They were planning to come to town for a few days so that their kids could finally meet Evan. 

Evan didn’t know what to say to that. He stared at his knees and grasped the comforter beneath him. His mother went on to say that his father had also invited Evan to come stay with them that summer, but she’d told him she wasn’t sure Evan would agree to that. 

Evan wanted to say that there was no way he was going to Colorado, but he didn’t want to upset his mother. She sounded so hopeful about the whole situation that he couldn’t make himself bring her down.

He hung up after promising to call and text her frequently. It occurred to him that he should have asked her to make the same promise, but he had a feeling that may not be necessary just then. 

Evan’s stomach dropped when he heard the alarm go off downstairs. He cautiously crept into the hallway and peered down at the entrance. He let out a sigh of relief when he saw that it was only Zoe.

Only Zoe. He never thought the day would come when he’d be relieved to see Zoe Murphy. Though, to be fair, he never would’ve guessed that he would end up in a situation where she was the only person in the house that didn’t make his anxiety levels skyrocket.

 

Zoe jumped when she turned around and saw Evan on the stairs behind her.

“Sorry,” Evan muttered quickly. “I-I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“It’s fine,” Zoe laughed. “You walk really quietly.”

“I do?” Evan frowned.

“It’s not a bad thing…” Zoe shrugged. She smiled weakly as she looked him up and down. “Hey, I was just going to start dinner. You want to help?”

Evan nodded and followed her into the kitchen. Zoe headed for the refrigerator and started pulling things out. 

“I’m sorry about your grandmother,” she said as she sniffed a carton of cream. “Does this smell bad to you?”

Evan smelled it and shook his head.

“Okay, good. I really didn’t feel like going to the store.” She pulled an elastic band off her wrist and twisted her hair up on top of her head. She folded her arms across her chest as she leaned against the counter. “Where was I? Oh, your grandmother. I really was sorry to hear about her.”

“Thanks,” Evan mumbled. He slid onto the stool across from her and waited for his instructions.

Zoe chewed on her lip for a moment while she stared at him. “So, listen, my brother’s an idiot.”

Evan blinked at her in surprise. He quickly dropped his gaze as he tried to guess what she was getting at. She couldn’t know. There was no way she knew. Unless… Evan looked up and swallowed nervously when he saw her expression.

“See, this is the part where you say ‘no, he isn’t.’ And then I say ‘yeah, he is.’ And then we both laugh because we know it’s at least sort of true.”

Evan swallowed again and reached for the bag of carrots she’d put on the counter. “Do you, um, do you want me to chop these or-”

Zoe put out a hand to stop him. “Connor told me what he did.”

“He-he…What?” Evan gripped the edge of the counter.

“He told me,” Zoe repeated. “About, you know…”

“About YANA?”

“That’s the pen pal thing, right?”

Evan nodded mutely.

“Then, yeah,” Zoe nodded. She stared at her hands and took a breath. “This is none of my business. I know that. I get it. I have a really bad habit of sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong. I get it from my mom.”

Evan cleared his throat and eyed the door. He briefly contemplated the idea of making a run for it. He could lock himself in the guestroom until he figured something else out. He could call Jared and say they were switching places until his mother came back. Or he could just go home and stay there by himself. He knew his mother would hit the roof when she found out, but he was seriously considering taking that risk.

“Do you think you’ll be able to forgive him?” Zoe asked bluntly.

Evan’s eyes widened as he looked at her again. His mouth dropped open, but he had no idea how to respond.

“I’m not asking if you have forgiven him,” Zoe continued quickly. “And I’m not excusing what he did. It’s awful. Really, it is. I don’t blame you if you’re upset or confused or… whatever. He…” She shut her mouth and stared at the ceiling. “He’ll have to explain himself because that’s where I’m drawing the line. It’s just… If you know now that there’s no way you can get past this, no way you’re going to be able to forgive him, then you need to leave.”

Evan gawked at her in shock. His thoughts were spinning rapidly around his head, but he couldn’t string them together in a way that made sense.

“That came out harsher than I meant it to,” Zoe sighed. “It’s just, well, Connor’s a mess. This week has been especially bad. I’ve seen what this is doing to him. He did it to himself, but… If you know there’s no way you can keep being friends with him, then I think I should take you to Jared’s. I’ll talk to his parents. We’ll find a place for you somewhere in that house.”

Zoe headed for the sink to wash her hands. She stared at them intently while she lathered up for what seemed like an excessively long amount of time. “I hate to put you on the spot like this, but Connor will be home any minute. It’s just going to be worse for him if… Well, you know.”

Evan nodded, even though he wasn’t quite sure he followed her logic. He didn’t really need to think things over though. He was upset with Connor. Upset and confused and more than a little embarrassed and unsettled. He felt like everything he’d been clinging to for the past couple months had been flipped on its side. He couldn’t think about it too much. If he did, he was fairly certain he’d end up rocking back and forth in the fetal position until someone physically forced him to get up.

He felt like he needed to give Connor a chance to tell his side of the story though, if for no other reason than the fact that he needed to hear it. He wouldn’t be able to put this behind him if he didn’t. Did that make him selfish? Evan wasn’t sure. The negative side of his brain scolded him for looking at it that way, but he didn’t really care. It would be a while before he was ready to talk it out with Connor anyway. 

Evan eyed the carrots again. He could feel Zoe watching him as he picked them up. “So, am I peeling these or shredding them or what?”


	39. Chapter 39

“Your mother said the packing tape is in the kitchen. Do you have any idea where it might be because there are about a million drawers in there?”

Connor looked at his aunt quizzically as he unlocked the front door. “What?”

“The packing tape,” Jamie repeated. “For my moving boxes.”

“Oh, yeah,” Connor nodded vaguely. “I’ll show you.”

Jamie sniffed the air as they stepped into the house. “It smells good in here. Cynthia must not be cooking tonight.”

“Zoe is,” Connor told her. “Mom had book club this afternoon. Then, she had a hair appointment.”

Connor could recite his mother’s schedule for the next week by heart. She’d gone over it with him at least a dozen times so that he wouldn’t be surprised by anything. He supposed that was what he got for moping around the house all week.

Jamie came to a sudden stop when they entered the kitchen. Connor had to move to the side quickly to avoid crashing into her. His eyes widened when he saw what was making her pause. Zoe and Evan were sitting side by side at the counter while they chopped up vegetables. There was Christmas music playing in the background and Zoe was telling a story about how she’d been terrified of Santa Claus for most of her childhood.

Evan noticed them first. His eyes landed on Connor for a fraction of a second before he redirected his gaze to Jamie. Connor could practically see the wheels turning in Evan’s mind as he worked out exactly who she was.

“Oh, hey!” Zoe greeted happily. “I didn’t hear you guys come in. Are you staying for dinner, Aunt Jamie? We’re making chicken alfredo.”

“Wish I could, but I have a ton of packing to do still,” Jamie said apologetically. “Which reminds me, are you guys still up for helping me tomorrow?”

Zoe nodded. “You want us there at nine, right?”

“Ish,” Jamie shrugged. “There’s no rush. I got the keys tonight, so I can start moving in whenever.”

“Aunt Jamie just rented an apartment,” Zoe told Evan. “We’re supposed to help her move tomorrow.”

“Oh,” Evan said quietly. 

“You’re welcome to come too, Evan,” Jamie said. “The more, the merrier, especially on moving day.”

“Maybe… I’ll, um, I’ll see. Jared and I kind of made plans,” Evan said hesitantly.

“Jared will help,” Zoe decided firmly. “I’ll tell him where to meet us.”

Evan glanced at her quickly, but her phone was out before he had a chance to respond.

Connor took advantage of the lull and showed his aunt where they kept the tape. She pocketed two rolls and announced that she needed to head out. Connor walked her to the door. She stared at him for a moment like she wanted to say something, but seemed to change her mind. She simply clapped him on the shoulder and told him to rest up because he’d need his energy the next day.

Zoe was still clutching her phone when he went back in the kitchen. Evan had moved to the stove and was turning off one of the burners. 

“Mom just texted me,” Zoe told them. “She said not to expect them home until late. One of the partners at Dad’s firm invited them out to dinner, so we’re on our own tonight.”

Zoe’s eyes darted toward Evan when she looked up again. “Um, Mom wants to make sure you made it to your appointment today.”

Connor found himself staring at the back of Evan’s head too before answering, “Yeah. You can tell her Aunt Jamie took me to see Dr. Miller.”

Even from across the room, Connor could see the way those words made Evan’s back stiffen. 

“You need any help?” Connor asked. He nodded at the bowl by the sink. “Want me to toss the salad?”

“Salad’s done,” Zoe said. “I just have to add the dressing. You guys want to eat in the living room? I’m having a serious Christmas movie craving.”

Connor looked from Zoe, who seemed very pleased with her idea, to Evan, who didn’t seem to care either way, before stating that he’d go set up the snack tables.

They arranged themselves on the couch and set their plates on the tables while Zoe debated what they should watch. Connor didn’t think it was just a coincidence that she had planted herself in the middle of the sofa. 

“So, what’re we feeling tonight? Kid-friendly, musical, rom-com? Those are the primary Christmas categories.”

“Anything’s fine,” Evan shrugged.

“Except horror movies,” Connor said pointedly.

Evan glanced at him briefly before staring down at his plate. “Except those.”

“Okay,” Zoe nodded as she strode over to the DVD cabinet. “ _Love Actually_ it is.”

They ate and watched the movie in silence, which was a refreshing change of pace for Connor. In the two weeks since Zoe had dumped her friends, she had managed to make her brother fill in for them on more than one occasion. The worst had been the day he told her everything. She’d come into his room that night and insisted they have a movie marathon consisting of her favorite comfort food movies. It wouldn’t have been that bad if she hadn’t chattered her way through them and repeatedly asked how he had never seen _Clueless_.

Connor wasn’t sure if it was the awkwardness of their situation or the fact that she was really into the movie, but Zoe stayed remarkably quiet throughout _Love Actually_. She only spoke up once to comment that she always forgot that the movie was rated R because she was so used to catching the sanitized version on TV. Connor bit back his response to that when he saw the blush creeping across Evan’s face. The night was uncomfortable enough without adding to it unnecessarily.

Evan stood up and muttered that he was going to bed as soon as the movie was over. Connor opened his mouth to point out that it wasn’t even ten yet, but Zoe elbowed him and shook her head. Evan slipped out of the room and hurried up the stairs before either of them could get a word in.

“Don’t,” Zoe said when she saw Connor staring in the direction Evan had gone. “Leave him alone. For tonight, at least.”

Connor nodded reluctantly, though part of him was glad she’d stopped him. He still had no idea what he would say to Evan when the opportunity presented itself, but he knew they had to talk about it sooner rather than later.


	40. Chapter 40

Evan woke up early on Sunday morning. Or, more precisely, he rolled out of bed around 8:30 when he finally gave up on the idea of falling back to sleep. 

The house was quiet. He could tell that right away, even with his door closed tightly. That wasn’t much of a surprise when he considered how late everyone had stayed up the night before. It had taken them longer than expected to help Ms. Cooper (Aunt J, Evan thought with a shake of his head) move. The rest of the group had been wired when they returned. Zoe had been trying to convince them to watch a Christmas movie when Evan yawned and excused himself for the night. He had a feeling she’d won them over because he hadn’t heard anyone come up the stairs after he’d turned in.

It hadn’t taken him long to fall asleep, but he hadn’t slept well. He kept waking up throughout the night and blinking at the ceiling while he reminded himself where he was. In a moment of desperation, Evan had sent Jared a long, rambling text that was meant to ask his friend to come get him as soon as he woke up. Evan was worried that his wording hadn’t been clear, but his phone buzzed while he was getting dressed and he read a message from Jared informing him that he’d be there in a few minutes.

This information bolstered Evan. He hadn’t felt comfortable leaving his room and wandering around the house while everyone else was still asleep, but now he had a purpose. He had just enough time to wolf down a bowl of cereal and leave a note explaining where he’d gone.

 

Evan blinked in alarm when he saw that the front door was open. He peered through it and saw Mr. and Mrs. Murphy standing outside and squinting up at the house. They were each clutching a cup of coffee and pointing at different spots along the roof. Cynthia noticed Evan first and motioned for him to come outside.

“You’re up early,” Cynthia greeted him brightly. “Did you sleep well?”

“Yeah,” Evan nodded automatically. “Really well.”

“Good,” Cynthia smiled. “There’s coffee in the kitchen, if you want some. You know where the cereal is, don’t you? Or I can make you something. We haven’t had waffles in forever.”

“Cereal’s fine,” Evan assured her. “I, uh, Jared’s actually picking me up in a minute.”

“Oh, you’re going somewhere?”

It suddenly occurred to Evan that he wasn’t sure if he needed to ask their permission before leaving the house. They hadn’t laid down any rules for him. His stomach began to sink as he realized how rude he must sound. He was trying his best to be the perfect, invisible houseguest, but that didn’t mean disappearing for hours at a time. And it definitely didn’t mean leaving behind Connor, who was the reason they had invited Evan into their home in the first place.

“Um,” Evan started. “Is that okay?”

“Of course,” Cynthia replied briskly. “We’ll be here all day. We were just debating where to put the Christmas decorations.”

“What if we put the snowflakes in the trees?” Larry suggested. “No one could see them on the roof last year.”

“Are Connor and Zoe still asleep?” Cynthia wondered. She nodded absentmindedly as Larry continued to discuss where the snowflakes could go.

“Their doors were closed when I passed them,” Evan said.

“Those two will sleep all day if we let them,” Cynthia rolled her eyes. 

Evan looked away uncomfortably. He hoped she wasn’t about to suggest someone go wake them up. A wave of relief hit him when he spotted Jared’s car turning onto their street. 

“There’s Jared,” Evan said, nodding at the car.

“What time will you be back?” Cynthia asked. “I’m just wondering about dinner, so I can make sure we have enough.”

“We always have more than enough,” Larry reminded her. 

“I know, but-”

“Let the boy be.”

The sinking feeling in Evan’s gut grew worse as he thought about the fact that he would have to come back. There was no getting around that, not without making a scene or getting himself in trouble. He took a breath and tried to calm himself down.

“I’ll-I’ll be back before dinner. I’ll, um, I’ll let you know if something comes up.”

“That’s all we ask,” Cynthia said softly. She turned to face the house again and asked her husband if he thought they needed to get more icicles for the porch.

Evan mumbled his goodbyes before heading for Jared’s car. He did a double take when he saw Jared’s brother, Henry, sprawled out in the backseat with his bare feet propped up against the window.

“Don’t ask,” Jared snapped as Evan climbed in.

Henry put up a finger to silence them. He mumbled something into his phone so quickly that Evan couldn’t pick out even one word he’d said. There was a moment of silence, then Henry grunted happily and hung up.

“Take a left up there,” Henry ordered, motioning to the light in front of them. “The shoot’s been moved.”

“Shoot?” Evan repeated. He raised his eyebrows at Jared.

“Henry landed his first job,” Jared explained. “That’s where we’re heading now.”

“Oh,” Evan nodded uncertainly as he remembered Jared mentioning something about his brother becoming a foot model. 

Henry shushed them as his phone rang again. Jared rolled his eyes and shook his shoulders irritably, but he remained silent for the rest of the trip.

 

The drive was short. They arrived at a nondescript brick building less than ten minutes after leaving the Murphys’ house. Henry made a face as he slipped on a pair of flip flops. He strolled into the building without saying a word to the others. Evan looked at Jared and waited for instruction.

“Should we follow him?” Evan finally asked when it became clear that Jared wasn’t getting out.

“I was planning on ditching him, actually,” Jared said. “It’s bad enough that he woke me up to bring him here. I’m not about to sit around all day while people take pictures of his feet.”

“Doesn’t he have his own car?” Evan wondered.

“Yeah,” Jared scoffed. “Except he was afraid he’d mess up his feet if he drove himself. And, of course, there was no way our parents were going to bring him…”

Jared tapped his chin while he leaned back and studied Evan. “Enough about my problems. What’s going on with you?”

Evan blinked and looked down. “What do you mean?”

“Do you want me to read the text you sent me at 4 AM?”

“Uh,” Evan stammered and touched the back of his head. “Not particularly.”

“Is this about your grandmother? Because you should talk to Alana, if it is. She heard me talking to Zoe about you the other day and-”

“She already emailed me,” Evan cut in. “And it’s not about my grandmother. It’s nothing, really.”

Jared stared at him disbelievingly before his expression changed to what could only be described as a smirk. “So, who walked in on who naked?”

“What?” Evan sputtered.

“You and Connor. Who walked in on who naked?”

Evan shook his head and choked out a laugh. “What?”

“Something’s off between you guys,” Jared insisted. “You avoided him like the plague all day yesterday. You looked like you were going to pass out every time I left the room. I swear I thought you were going to follow me into the bathroom that one time.”

Evan swallowed nervously. His hands clenched tightly in his lap as he debated how to respond. Part of him wanted to brush it off, to tell Jared he was imagining things. He knew that wouldn’t go over well, but he would eventually be able to get Jared to drop the subject. 

The other part wanted to tell Jared everything. He knew that wouldn’t go over well either. He’d be hearing crazy jokes and jabs for weeks, maybe even months. Jared would definitely, without a doubt, say something to Connor. That would be a disaster as well.

Still, there was a part of him that wanted to let Jared in on what was happening. Zoe already knew. If Connor could tell Zoe, then why couldn’t he tell Jared?

And, it wasn’t like there was anyone else Evan could talk to about this. His face heated up as he realized this was the kind of thing he would’ve written to L about. 

He couldn’t tell his mother, at least not until she came home. She couldn’t do anything to help him from Florida and it would only make her worry. He couldn’t tell Dr. Sherman. He knew how that conversation would go. Dr. Sherman would want to assign him a new pen pal and would spend the entire session asking him how he felt about what he’d learned. Evan still wasn’t sure exactly how he felt, but he knew he wasn’t ready to discuss it with his doctor.

Zoe was an option, Evan supposed. Except, he knew she was on Connor’s side. She may feel sorry for him, but it was clear that she would always take her brother’s side in the end.

Evan squeezed his eyes shut for a moment before nodding decisively. “Okay. Okay. If you really want to know…”

He started out slowly. He stared straight ahead while he talked. He couldn’t bring himself to look over at Jared. He told Jared that he was seeing a therapist. He explained what YANA was. 

He kept going until he had told the whole story. Almost the whole story. He decided at the last minute not to get into either of their suicide attempts.

Jared was quiet for a minute when he was done. Evan felt like there was a rock forming in his chest while he waited for Jared to respond. He comforted himself with the knowledge that Jared must be taking him seriously since he hadn’t automatically come up with a wisecrack. 

“Okay,” Jared finally said. His voice sounded strangely shaky. “Okay, so, here’s the plan. We’re going back to the Murphys’. You’re packing your things and we’re kicking Henry out of my room.”

“What?” Evan blinked at him.

“It’s fine. Henry can stay with his girlfriend until your mom gets back. Or he can sleep in the laundry room, for all I care. It’s my room now. He moved out. He’s not supposed to be here anymore.”

“Jared-”

“No, seriously, it’s fine.” Jared drummed his fingers on the steering wheel and shook his head. “God, Evan, why didn’t you tell me? If you’d told me why you were freaking out, I would’ve… I just thought you were being, you know, you. I didn’t think you had a legitimate reason for not wanting to stay with them.”

“I’m sorry,” Evan whispered. He twisted the bottom of his shirt with one hand and tapped his thigh with the other. “I… I can’t just leave.”

“Why not?” Jared demanded.

“What would I tell his parents? And my mom? She’ll freak if she hears. And I promised Zoe I would-”

“Wait, Zoe knows?”

“Connor told her.”

“Of course, he did. Of course, he was willing to tell his sister, but not you.”

“I think you’re angrier about this than I am,” Evan realized.

Jared took a breath and let go of the steering wheel. “It’s your call, okay? I’ll do whatever you want.”

“Do you want to get breakfast? I haven’t eaten yet.”

Jared let out a short laugh and started the car again. “Yeah, sure. Where to? Louie’s?”

“That’s fine,” Evan shrugged. He chewed his lip while he weighed his options. “There’s this thing at the arboretum today. I got an email about it last week. Do you want to go?”

“Sounds fun,” Jared said dryly.

“Are you going to say yes to anything I suggest because you feel sorry for me?”

“And because I’m worried you might be crazy,” Jared confirmed. He caught Evan’s eye and quickly continued, “Not because of the therapy thing. Because you want to go back to that house.”

“Not right now,” Evan said quickly. “I’m actually trying to come up with reasons to stay out as much as possible.”

“And now the 4 AM text makes so much sense,” Jared nodded. “Okay, so we’re going to Louie’s, then the arboretum. Do you want to have dinner at my house?”

“I told Connor’s mom I’d be back for dinner.”

“Okay, so I’m eating there.” Jared shrugged when he saw Evan’s expression. “What? I’m not sending you into the lion’s den alone. Besides, whatever they’re serving is bound to be better than what my mom’s making.”

Jared shifted the car into drive and pulled forward. “I’m picking you up tomorrow morning. You can tell them we have to get to school early to work on a project.”

“Connor and Zoe won’t buy that. They’ll want to know what class we’re talking about.”

“Who cares what they think? It’s their parents you want to fool. If Connor asks, tell him it’s for Computer Science. That’ll make him back off.”

“Why are you helping me?” Evan asked suddenly.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, this is above and beyond-”

“We’re friends. It’s what you do for friends.”

“Family friends?”

Jared rolled his eyes. “Friend-friends. Don’t be stupid.”

Evan smiled quickly and looked down. “Thanks.”

“Yeah, of course,” Jared shrugged. “So, you’re paying for the arboretum tickets, right?”

“I have a membership card in my wallet. It lets me bring a guest.”

Jared laughed and shook his head. “Why am I not surprised?”


	41. Chapter 41

“You’ve never seen Star Wars?” Jared gasped.

“So? You’ve never read Jane Austen,” Zoe countered.

“But, it’s Star Wars! It’s huge. It’s a major part of our pop culture.”

“So is Jane Austen.”

Jared shook his head slowly. “We’re changing that next weekend. Star Wars marathon. I’ll tell Evan.”

“Where is Evan?” Zoe wondered. She looked around expectantly. “Is he skipping lunch?”

“Alana kidnapped him.”

“What?” Zoe tilted her head in confusion.

“Yeah, she grabbed him when we were on our way out here and said they were going to eat at the café down the street.”

“That’s… different.”

“She was kind of emotional,” Jared explained. “She kept saying that her grandmother would’ve been 85 today. I’m guessing she wants to commiserate with Evan about their dead grandmas.”

“Poor Alana.”

“Poor Evan.” 

Jared took a bite of his apple as a wave of silence fell over them. He kept waiting for Connor to show up, but apparently it was taking Connor the whole lunch period to finish writing the essay he’d forgotten about.

Jared wasn’t sure if he was disappointed or relieved. He’d been practicing what he would say to the Murphy siblings the next time he got them alone. He didn’t think it was fair to unleash his speech on Zoe. She was involved, but she wasn’t the main culprit.

“Hey,” Jared said suddenly. “You’re a junior.”

“Yeah,” Zoe shrugged. “So?”

“So, how is it that you can eat out here every day?”

“Who’s going to stop me?”

“The guards?”

“They don’t care. As long as I don’t go around bragging about it or, I don’t know, smoking, then they don’t ask what grade I’m in.”

“It’s because you’re a girl. They would’ve stopped me if I tried last year.”

“Yeah, they would’ve,” Zoe agreed with a nod. “So, where are we all going to eat when it gets cold?”

“It’s already cold,” Jared pointed out.

“Colder. Like snow and ice cold.”

“I’d say we could leave campus, but they check IDs when you do that.”

Zoe made a face. “I’ll figure something out. There has to be a place we can eat where…”

“Where Evan won’t panic and Connor won’t threaten anyone?”

“Exactly,” Zoe nodded.

Jared looked at her thoughtfully for a moment. “Do you even know what Star Wars is about?”

“Um,” Zoe laughed. “I’m going to say wars that take place in outer space?”

“Lucky guess,” Jared scoffed.


	42. Chapter 42

Evan froze with his toothbrush in his mouth and his head bent over the sink. He spit out the toothpaste and quickly rinsed. 

The knock sounded again. 

Evan ignored it. He turned the water on full blast and took his time washing his face. He waited a minute when he was done. He waited until it felt safe to leave the bathroom.

Connor was standing by the door, looking around uneasily. “I knocked.”

“I heard.”

Evan didn’t bother trying to mask his anxiety. He glanced back at the bathroom and considered the possibility of closing himself in there until Connor took the hint and went away.

“Are we just not going to talk about this?”

Evan’s eyes darted around the room aimlessly. “It’s late.”

“You want to reschedule then? Do you think you can find the time in your fucking schedule to talk this out? Do you have to check with Jared first?”

Evan recoiled at his tone. “I, um-”

“Forget it,” Connor snapped. 

“Connor,” Evan murmured. He didn’t know what he wanted to say. He didn’t know that he actually had anything to say. He just knew he had to say something before Connor left. 

“What?” Connor’s eyes narrowed as he turned around to face Evan again.

“When-when did you figure it out?”

Connor glared at the floor for a moment before responding, “First day of school.”

Evan’s eyes widened with realization. “The computer lab?”

Connor nodded. “Yeah. I mean, I suspected then. I didn’t know for sure until a couple weeks later.”

Evan’s hands twitched against his sides. He was used to feeling at a loss for words, but he wasn’t used to feeling this sick over it. His head was pounding and his stomach wouldn’t stop twisting itself around. He had a feeling sleep wasn’t going to come easily for him that night.

“You really didn’t know?”

Evan glanced at Connor in surprise. “What?”

“You really didn’t know you were writing to me?”

“No,” Evan sputtered. “How could I have known?”

“Did you suspect?”

“No… I mean, not really. I noticed some similarities, but… You said you didn’t use YANA and-and your name doesn’t start with L.”

“Lawrence. My first name’s Lawrence. I’ve always gone by my middle name.”

“I figured. About the middle name, I mean.”

The day was beginning to wear on Evan. He had been tired since the moment he got up. That feeling had only increased as the day went on. Lunch had been the most exhausting part of the day. Listening to Alana as she bounced around from topic to topic, trying to keep up while she talked about her grandmother and her sisters and her friend Tracy, had nearly done him in.

“I have a Calculus test tomorrow,” Evan blurted out.

“So?” 

“’So, I need to go to sleep. It’s in the morning and-”

“Okay, fine, whatever.” Connor hung his head and turned to go.

“Was it a joke?” 

The words flew out before Evan had a chance to think about them. He bit his lip and dug his toes into the carpet. “I mean, was it-”

“If you have to ask, then you don’t know me at all.”

Evan’s head snapped up in alarm, but Connor was already out the door. He considered going after him, but then what? What could he possibly say that would make things better?

Evan shakily turned off the light and crawled under the covers. He stared at the ceiling a moment before grabbing his phone. He sat up when he saw there was a missed call from his mother. He breathed a sigh of relief as he listened to her voicemail.

She was coming home. Not until Sunday, but there was a set date now. 

He could make it six days. He didn’t know how. He knew it was going to be hard to get through the week, but he’d survive. One way or another, he would be okay.


	43. Chapter 43

“Did he answer you?”

“No! For the hundredth time. Connor isn’t answering any of my texts.”

“His phone’s still going straight to voicemail. Oh my God… Larry…”

“How the hell did this happen? How did he get out? I know I set the alarm last night.”

“He…”

“He what?”

“Zoe, do you know something?”

“He knows the code.”

“He… How?”

“I told him.”

“I knew I heard the alarm chirp last night. It wasn’t the smoke detector, Larry!”

“Remind me to ground you when this is over.”

“He already knew! He’d figured it out. I just-”

“Shh! It’s Jamie… Hello?”

Evan quietly slipped into the kitchen and sat on the stool next to Zoe. “What’s going on?”

He didn’t know why he was asking. It didn’t take a genius to piece together what he’d just heard. He hoped he was wrong. Oh, how he hoped he was wrong.

“Connor’s missing,” Zoe whispered back. “He wasn’t in his room this morning. His bed was still made. He… He never makes his bed.”

Evan’s head fell into his hands as he listened to Cynthia talk to her sister. Her voice was so incredibly, frantically loud that he couldn’t focus on what she was saying. It felt like his heart was going to burst out of his chest. This was his fault. It was all his fault. He needed to tell them, but how? He looked at Zoe out of the corner of his eye and watched as she inhaled sharply.

“Zoe,” Evan started shakily.

“He’s okay?” Zoe exclaimed. Her shoulders shook as her hands flew to her forehead. “I’m going to kill him!”

“He’s at Jamie’s,” Cynthia told them. “He… He called her last night and asked her to come get him. He told her he left us a note.”

“He was lying, obviously,” Larry scoffed. “He’ll say whatever he needs to say to get his way.”

“I didn’t look for a note,” Cynthia said quietly. “I just panicked and… At least, he had the sense to call Jamie instead of-instead of… He’s safe. He went somewhere safe this time.”

“What kind of an idiot is your sister?” Larry spat. “Didn’t she think it was strange that Connor asked her to come get him in the middle of the night?”

“Oh, don’t start with that,” Cynthia snapped. “We should be thanking Jamie. Can you imagine what could’ve happened if she hadn’t taken him to her place? He could-”

“We’re changing the alarm code,” Larry decided. 

“Dad!” 

“We’re changing the code and not telling either of them.”

“Seriously?” Zoe whined.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Cynthia said briskly. “The code’s fine. Maybe if you hadn’t-”

“Me? You’re the one who-”

Evan’s head slipped down further as he listened to the Murphys snipe at each other. He bolted upright when he felt Zoe tap his shoulder. 

“Come on,” she whispered. “Let’s get out of here.”

Evan grabbed his things and followed her outside. It was cloudy and cold and smelled like snow. Evan vaguely recalled seeing that there was a chance of flurries that afternoon.

“Sorry you had to see that,” Zoe said as they climbed into the car. “At least, now you can say you got a front row seat to the horror show that is my family.”

“It was my fault,” Evan blurted out.

“What?” Zoe shook her head at him.

“That Connor left. It was my fault.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“It was! I should-I should go back in and-and tell them.”

“It won’t do any good. Even if you went in there and told them you had put a gun to Connor’s head and forced him out of the house, they’d still blame each other. They’d stand there arguing about who invited you to stay with us in the first place.”

Evan took a breath and stared out the window. “It was my fault though.”

“Evan,” Zoe said softly. “Hey, look at me, okay? I’ve learned that with Connor there’s very rarely one precise reason for the things he does. You may have been a factor, but you’re not to blame.”

Evan nodded numbly and fastened his seatbelt. 

“So,” Zoe looked at him curiously. “Did you guys finally talk last night?”

“Sort of,” Evan shrugged.

“It went that well, huh?” Zoe sighed and shook her head. “Don’t give up on him, okay? He… He needs you. I realized that even before he told me about the whole pen pal thing. But, now… Please don’t disappear on him.”

Zoe started the car and told him he could choose the music. “I don’t really care what we listen to. It’s just a thing Connor and I do.”

Evan nodded, but didn’t bother changing the station. His phone buzzed when they reached the end of the street. A text popped up from Jared, asking if they could pick him up.

“Jared’s car won’t start,” Evan said. “He says he’ll pay us in pop tarts if we come get him.”

“Tell him to throw in some coffee and he has a deal.”

Evan quickly obliged. They rode in silence until they got Jared. The rest of the drive was filled with chatter as Jared mapped out the schedule for their Star Wars marathon and Zoe tried her best to discourage him.

It didn’t occur to Evan until he was at his locker that he didn’t know whether Connor would be at school that day. He honestly wasn’t sure which answer made him feel worse.


	44. Chapter 44

The classroom was empty when Connor arrived. The lights were on and he could see Mrs. Jensen’s breakfast on her desk, but no one was around. He took his usual seat in the back of the room and stared blankly at the wall while he waited for his classmates to show up.

He watched as they began to trickle in. The first two jumped when they saw that he was the only person there. They seemed relieved when Mrs. Jensen followed them in and sat at her desk. 

Evan stumbled in just as the first bell rang. Connor watched as he froze in his tracks and looked around wildly. Connor dropped his gaze and tapped his fingers on the desk while Evan slid in next to him. If there had been an extra desk or their classmates weren’t such creatures of habit, Connor had a feeling Evan would have sat elsewhere that day.

Connor observed Evan out of the corner of his eye. He could tell that Evan was very carefully avoiding looking at him. He watched as Evan pulled out a notebook and studied it intently. He didn’t need to lean over to tell that it was Evan’s Calculus notes.

The second bell rang and homeroom began. Connor zoned out during the morning announcements and just barely remembered to raise his hand when Mrs. Jensen called his name. Evan seemed nearly as distracted as he was, but he had a feeling that was due to his Calculus test.

Conversations broke out all around them when roll call was over. Mrs. Jensen ate her breakfast and chatted happily with the students in the first row. Connor pulled out his phone and scrolled through his texts. There were dozens of them, mostly from Zoe. 

He didn’t bother replying to any of them. He didn’t see the point. Aunt Jamie had told his family where he’d gone. He still couldn’t believe they’d panicked the way they had. He’d left a note on his mirror. It annoyed him that no one had bothered to check.

He knew he would be hearing about this for a long time. He also suspected that Jamie would be told not to pick him up like that ever again. He wondered if she’d go along with it. He wondered if it would matter if she did. He wasn’t sure he’d reach out to her the next time he felt the need to flee.

 

She hadn’t asked him what was wrong when he called. She’d simply told him to hang tight, that she’d be there in a minute. She’d looked exhausted when she arrived. It was obvious that he’d woken her up. She was in her pajamas and kept rubbing her eyes the whole way home. Something about her expression made it clear that she’d been expecting this call for a while though. She asked him if he wanted to talk about it, but didn’t press when he refused to answer.

Her apartment was still in shambles, with boxes and bins all over the place. Jamie set him up on the couch before heading back to bed. She had paused in the doorway long enough to ask him if he was going to school the next day. She told him that she had a meeting first thing in the morning and would have to drop him off early if he planned to go in.

It hadn’t occurred to Connor that skipping school was an option. He’d considered it a moment before deciding to go. He knew there was no way he was going to get away with staying at Jamie’s a second night and going to school would allow him to return home on his own terms.

 

The bell rang, signaling the end of homeroom. Connor caught Evan’s eye as they both stood up to leave. Evan took a step backward and his eyes widened in a way that Connor hadn’t seen in months.

He was nervous. Connor was making him nervous again.

They were back to square one.

“Hey,” Connor said shortly. “Good luck on your test.”

Evan blinked at him in surprise. “Thanks?”

Connor gave him a quick nod before darting out of the room.


	45. Chapter 45

“You going in or are we just going to sit here all night?”

Evan looked from Jared to the house and back again. It was getting late. He was tired and he suspected Jared was as well. 

“Thanks for…”

Evan wasn’t sure how to finish that sentence. For inviting him over for dinner? For keeping him out of the Murphys’ house while they had a family meeting? For suggesting yet again that Henry could handle sleeping in the laundry room for a couple days?

“Yeah, sure,” Jared cut in. “Your mom’s coming home soon, right?”

Evan nodded eagerly. “She gets in Sunday night.”

“So, five days. Think you can make it?”

“I think so,” Evan said uncertainly. “I should…”

Evan reached for the door handle, but turned around when a thought popped into his head. He bit his lip as he cringed at the memory. “Hey, Jared?”

“Yeah?”

“So, listen, I, uh, I appreciate your help and all, but can you just…. not with all the passive-aggressive comments? Lunch is awkward enough as it is and they’re, uh, they’re really not helping…”

Jared stared at him a moment before shrugging. “Okay… So, you want me to play nice with Connor?”

“I want you to not… Can we just not repeat what happened today?”

“Maybe I should sit inside tomorrow.”

“That’s not what I meant. I want you to sit with us. If you don’t, then, well, you know… Just can it with the comments, okay?”

“You have to admit they were funny.”

“That’s not the point,” Evan couldn’t help laughing. 

Jared grinned and looked at him quickly. “Okay, fine. I’ll try to be good.”

Evan took a breath and glanced up at the house. He could faintly make out a figure hovering by the window.

“You should go,” Jared said. “Connor’s mom has been staring at us for, like, five minutes.”

Evan nodded and climbed out of the car. He turned to wave goodbye, but Jared was gone before he even reached the stairs.

 

Cynthia plastered a smile on her face as she swung the door open for Evan. She ushered him in and repeatedly asked if he was hungry or needed anything before bed. Evan assured her that he was fine before excusing himself. 

Zoe’s door was closed when Evan passed it, but Connor’s was wide open. Evan did a double take when he saw that. He cautiously peered inside. The room appeared empty, a fact that unnerved Evan quite a bit.

The door to the guestroom was shut tightly. Evan frowned as he tried to remember whether he had closed it that morning. A strong waft of cigarette smoke hit him as soon as he stepped inside. Evan coughed and flicked the light on quickly. The room was empty. He glanced around in confusion. Nothing looked strange or out of place.

It took him a moment to realize that the bathroom door was closed and there was a light shining under it. Evan crept forward and rapped on the door. He slowly opened it when there was no response.

The bathroom was empty as well, but Evan saw that the window was open. His head tilted as he watched a gust of smoke blow through it. 

A leg slid through the window before Evan could figure out his next move. He took a step backwards and nearly gasped out loud as he watched Mr. Murphy climb into the room. 

Larry chuckled when he saw Evan’s expression. He shook his head and put a finger to his lips. “Don’t tell my wife. She’ll kill me if she hears I’ve been smoking again.”

Evan blinked and stammered that he wouldn’t say a word. Larry smiled appreciatively and clapped a hand on Evan’s shoulder before leaving the room. Evan heard him muttering about family meetings as he headed towards the hall.

Evan debated whether he should leave the window open. The smell was still strong, but the temperature was dropping rapidly. He decided to leave it slightly cracked until he went to bed.

His hands had just grabbed onto the window frame when he realized Connor was sitting on the roof below. Their eyes met and Connor nodded at the spot next to him. Evan instinctively took a step back. Even in the dark, he could tell that his movements were making Connor roll his eyes.

“I’m not going to push you off the roof,” Connor told him sharply. He put out the cigarette in his hand and flicked it to the ground below.

Evan hesitated another moment before climbing out. He carefully inched his way down until he was sitting a couple feet away from Connor. “Maybe I was worried I’d push you instead.”

Connor stared at him a beat before letting out a barking laugh. “Shit. I didn’t realize you had that in you.”

“Sorry,” Evan muttered.

“No. It’s good. You must’ve picked up a bad influence somewhere along the way.”

Evan watched him curiously. “So… You and your dad? Is this a thing you do?”

Connor looked at him strangely. “Do my dad and I have a habit of smoking on the roof when it’s fucking cold outside? No. First time for that.”

“Oh,” Evan nodded. His hands twisted around in his lap as he pulled his knees up a bit higher.

“I come out here sometimes,” Connor explained. “I used to sit outside my room, but it faces the street and the neighbors would talk.”

Evan nodded again. He didn’t know what to say. It was like all of the coherent thoughts had been erased from his brain. 

“You’re mad at me?” Connor finally asked.

“What?”

“I mean, I’m assuming you’re mad if you’re thinking about pushing me off the roof.”

“I… I wasn’t seriously…”

“Yeah, got that,” Connor said curtly. “But, you are mad.”

“Well, yeah, kind of,” Evan admitted.

“Okay,” Connor nodded.

“I don’t know what I am,” Evan clarified. “Confused, mostly. I don’t… I don’t understand…”

“It wasn’t a joke.”

“Yeah, I know… I mean…” Evan sighed and shook his head. “The problem isn’t that I don’t know you. It’s that I do. Why would you… Why did you keep writing to me? Why did you tell me all those-all those things? Why-”

“Because I needed to. Because writing to you saved my fucking life.”

Evan’s head snapped up at Connor’s words. He gaped at him for a second before tilting his head to gaze at the moon.

“The truth is that I scared the crap out of myself last spring,” Connor continued. “Everyone keeps saying it was a wake-up call for me and it really kind of was.”

“Me too,” Evan agreed. “I mean, the-the tree thing for me. I didn’t think of it like that at the time, but lately-”

“I made you rethink it.”

Evan’s eyes narrowed as he scrutinized Connor. “What was that? You knew you were writing to me and you still… Some of the things you wrote… I don’t-I don’t get it.”

“I was upset. Not at you. Just… When I asked you what happened, I was freaking out. It had been a fucked up night and then I reread our messages and… I panicked. I started panicking about the idea of something happening to you.”

Evan nodded numbly and stared at his feet. “Okay, but-but it wasn’t just that. You’ve known for months and you still… It didn’t bother you? It would’ve weirded me out. I don’t… I couldn’t have done what you did.” 

“You would’ve stopped writing to me if you’d figured it out?”

“It would’ve bothered me, knowing that someone I knew in-in real life knew so much about me. A couple months ago, it would’ve, uh, you know, terrified me to find out it was you.”

“And now?”

“Now, well, it’s… embarrassing, mostly, and-”

Connor frowned and breathed in loudly through his nose. “So, what? You’re not okay with me knowing the real you?”

“I… YANA’s supposed to let people express their thoughts in an anonymous, safe-”

“Life isn’t safe.”

“No, but… It didn’t bother you when you found out you were writing to me?”

“It made me want to get to know you,” Connor huffed. “Obviously.”

Evan looked at him in surprise. “Oh.” 

He took a breath and held it as he allowed Connor’s words to sink in. He thought about the letters they’d written over the summer, the things they’d discussed since then. It was strange to think that Connor knew all of that and had still chosen to stick around. That he was still sitting there, staring at Evan with an unreadable expression on his face.

Evan glanced at him out of the corner of his eye and quickly regretted it. He couldn’t tell what Connor was thinking. It made him feel out of sorts. He’d gotten used to being able to predict Connor’s moods, to more or less knowing where he was coming from. Now, Evan couldn’t figure it out. He wasn’t sure if Connor was angry or worried or scared or… He wasn’t sure. He wasn’t sure at all. 

“Were you ever going to tell me?” Evan asked suddenly.

Connor exhaled deeply. His breath formed a mist in front of his face. It was almost ghost-like in the dark. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“I thought about it, but… I don’t know. I didn’t want to lose this.” He gestured between the two of them. “Any of this. I’ve never been the kind of person to have friends. I’ve never been… happy, I guess you’d say. For a long time, I didn’t think it was possible.”

“Are you…” Evan whispered. He puffed his cheeks out and nodded to himself. “Are you happy now?”

“At this particular moment? No. Not until I’m sure you’re not going to dropkick me off the roof.”

Evan snorted. “I’m not the one who’s prone to violence.”

“You know, I thought it was fucking hilarious when I found out you were E. It was kind of fitting.”

“The, uh, the awkward invisible guy and the-the…”

“Class psychopath,” Connor filled in.

“That’s not what I was going to say,” Evan whispered shrilly.

“It’s okay,” Connor shrugged. “I can call myself a psychopath.”

“But, you’re not,” Evan insisted.

Evan could feel his face turning red as Connor stared at him. The wind was picking up. He didn’t think he was imagining the fact that it smelled like snow. He shivered and gestured at the window. “Do you want to head in?”

The cigarette stench was almost completely gone by the time they climbed back into the bathroom. Evan breathed a sigh of relief when he realized it had dissipated. He didn’t think he would’ve been able to lie if he’d been asked about the smell.

“So,” Connor started. He ran a hand through his hair while he glanced around the guestroom.

“So?” Evan parroted.

“Are we okay?”

Evan nodded absentmindedly. “Yeah.”

Connor looked at him skeptically. “You sure?”

Evan blinked and looked down. “I think so? I don’t know. It’s late and I’m tired, but I’d say we’re okay-ish, at least.”

“Fair enough.” Connor watched as Evan struggled not to yawn. “You look tired.”

“I am. I, uh, haven’t really been sleeping much lately.”

“Me neither.” Connor reached for the door before Evan could respond. “I should get out of your hair.”

Evan didn’t bother stifling his yawn this time. “Good night, L.”

There was a glint in Connor’s eye when he turned to face him again. It disappeared so quickly that Evan wasn’t sure what it meant. Laughter? Annoyance? Hope? All of the above? It felt like there was something he was missing, something he couldn’t quite put his finger on.

Connor opened the door and stepped into the hall. “Good night, E.”


	46. Epilogue

_Saturday, June 9, 2018_

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Today is going to be a good day because today is graduation day._

_You did it. You’re done. You survived high school._

_Now, you just have to stop worrying about the ceremony. It’s not a big deal. It’s really, really not. You are not going to trip and fall when you go up on stage. Your hands will not be so sweaty that you end up dropping your diploma in front of everyone. And, really, let’s just say you do drop it. What’s the worst that will happen?_

_People will laugh and you’ll end up in a funny video that goes viral. Which will then follow you to college and beyond._

_So, maybe you should just watch your step today and wipe your hands on your gown before accepting your diploma._

_And, stop worrying about what you’re going to say to Mr. Howard when you get your diploma. A simple thank you will do. If you can’t form the words, then you can just nod and move on. There are dozens of students graduating today. He’s not going to notice or remember you at all._

_Positive thinking. Let’s keep this positive. That’s what Dr. Sherman would say if he saw this._

_So, today. Good day. Graduation day._

_Ok, seriously, try to breathe normally. In, out. In, out. Watch the cursor as it blinks. Focus on the cursor and stop obsessing._

_Look at it this way. No matter what happens, you will officially be a high school graduate in less than five hours._

_Perspective. Let’s try to keep things in perspective today._

_Sincerely,  
Me_

 

Evan jumped when he heard someone knock on his door. He barely had time to stand up before his mother asked, “Are you boys decent?”

“We’re always decent,” Evan answered quickly. He glanced at his bed and shook his head at Connor’s sleeping form. 

 

His mother always said she didn’t care if Connor slept over. He wasn’t sure why. It had been awkward when the subject came up and he hadn’t wanted to prolong the conversation by trying to understand her side of it. Part of him thought that she was trying to make up for being an absentee parent by proving that she was cool and understanding and accepting of her son. She told him her only rule was that they had to keep it PG when she was around.

It wasn’t a hard rule for them to be follow. No matter what anyone (Jared… mainly Jared…) said, they were still content to take things slow. Well, sort of slow. Evan really didn’t want to think about the specifics while his mother was nearby.

Sharing a bed wasn’t a new thing for them. They’d accidentally discovered how well that worked before anything had actually happened between them. They’d kept it up whenever possible because, well, it worked. It made sleeping easier. The fact that none of their parents cared made Jared constantly moan about the double standard involved. Zoe, on the other hand, was quick to point out that it wasn’t a good idea for anyone if Connor’s access to Evan was restricted. 

 

Heidi looked past Evan when he swung the door open. “Were you writing yourself a letter?”

Evan glanced back at his laptop and nodded. “Yeah.”

Heidi beamed and announced that she was glad. “They help, don’t they?”

It wasn’t the first time she’d asked and Evan had a feeling it wouldn’t be the last. He told her they did. It was the truth, sort of. Sometimes. Dr. Sherman had come up with the idea after the fallout from the YANA situation. He thought that it would be good for Evan to keep writing out his thoughts and feelings in letter form.

It was kind of like a diary, Evan had decided. It felt strange composing letters to himself at times, but Evan had gotten used to writing things out. And, he didn’t always keep the letters to himself. It wasn’t unusual for him to share them with Connor. In fact, there were times when letter writing was still their preferred method of communication. 

“You should wake him up soon,” Heidi suggested. She smiled affectionately as she watched Connor roll over and mumble something into his pillow. “We have to leave in an hour. I’m going to go pick up my dress from the dry cleaners in a minute, but there’s something I want to show you first.”

Evan followed his mother down the stairs to the kitchen. His eyes landed on the table, which was set festively with balloons on the chairs and a plate of donuts in the middle. “Aw, thanks, Mom.”

Heidi shook her head and directed him towards the counter. “You’re welcome, but that’s not it.”

Evan glanced around in confusion. “What?”

Heidi rolled her eyes. “The paper, Evan. The paper right in front of you.”

Evan picked it up and stared at the sheet for a moment. “Wait, is this-”

“You’re not the only graduate in this family,” Heidi beamed. “I just got my final marks. I-”

Evan threw his arms around his mother’s neck. She laughed as she returned the hug.

“We’ll have to celebrate,” Heidi decided. “Not tonight. I know we have Connor’s party and, well, that’s not going to be much of a celebration for you, is it?”

Evan looked down and shook his head. “Not really. It’s not exactly Connor’s kind of thing either though.”

“I know,” Heidi nodded. “The things you boys do to humor your parents… “

Heidi grabbed her purse off the counter and squeezed Evan’s shoulder. “I am proud of you, sweetie. You know that, right?”

Evan nodded and let her hug him again before she dashed out the door. He sat down at the table and helped himself to one of the donuts. He knew he needed to get Connor up, but he also knew that Connor would be ticked off if he didn’t let him sleep until the last possible second.

 

Evan reread his graduation cards while he ate his breakfast. There was one from his father. That one had contained a check and a pile of drawings from his half-siblings. His father wrote on the bottom of the card that they were planning to drive across the country that summer and would be making a stop in Evan’s neck of the woods. Evan was surprised to realize that the idea didn’t fill him with dread. He’d been emailing with his father regularly since Christmas and it had been going… Not well, exactly, but it hadn’t been that bad either. 

There were at least a dozen cards from his mother’s cousins and a half dozen from his grandmother’s friends. Some of them sent him checks, some sent cash or gift cards. Some just signed their names. Some of them mentioned that they hoped to see him soon. Evan wasn’t sure he returned the sentiment, but he appreciated the thought.

The last card in the stack was one that Evan made sure to keep buried at all times. It was from Connor’s aunt Jamie. Evan knew that Connor was close to his aunt, but he wasn’t sure that she would want her nephew seeing it. Jamie had written a note thanking Evan for volunteering at the library that year. She then went on to thank him for everything he had done for Connor. That was the part that made Evan blush. It was strangely sappy, especially when he considered who had written it. Jamie had included a picture of two girls laughing while they climbed a tree. It had only taken Evan a second to realize that the one on the left was Jamie. The other one was harder to place. He’d figured it out when he flipped the card over and read Jamie’s explanation. It was a picture of her with Emily O’Connell. Jamie had thought that Evan might like to have it as a keepsake.

 

Evan’s phone rang just as he was about to head back up the stairs. He grabbed it and answered, “Hey, Zoe.”

He heard a loud rustling sound before Zoe’s voice filled his ear. Evan’s eyes widened when he heard how frantic she sounded.

“Oh, Evan, good! I was afraid you weren’t going to answer. I know you guys are getting ready and… Ugh. I can’t believe…”

“Zoe?”

“Yeah? Sorry. Can you please talk some sense into Jared? He’s refusing to wear anything under his graduation gown.”

Evan blinked and did a double take. “What?”

“Yeah, so apparently Alana sent an email this morning and…”

Evan listened as Zoe tried to fill him in on what was going on. He was glad he’d already seen Alana’s email, otherwise he would’ve had a hard time following Zoe’s tale. She explained that Jared was taking Alana’s reminder about the dress code for graduation very personally because of an argument they’d had during their last French class.

“It’s all because of that stupid prom video,” Zoe moaned.

Evan sighed and shook his head. He hadn’t gone to prom. Connor had reluctantly asked him if it was something he was interested in attending. They’d stared at each other for a beat before laughing for a solid minute.

Jared and Zoe had gone though. They’d gone and Jared had recorded Alana dancing with her friend Tracy. He hadn’t done anything with it. Zoe had threatened to break up with him if he did. But, he had let Alana know he had it. And, apparently, that was enough to incite a war.

“Why won’t he just delete it?” Zoe grumbled.

“He says it’s leverage,” Evan shrugged.

“For what? Do you know what he’s planning?”

Evan bristled at Zoe’s tone. “He’s your boyfriend…”

“He’s your best friend! If you know something-”

“I don’t.”

“But, if you did?”

“I’d tell you.”

“Okay,” Zoe sighed. “It’s not even that bad of a video. I mean, all things considered, it’s tame.”

Evan nodded and then cringed when he realized she couldn’t see him. “Yeah…”

“It’s just personal, I guess. I don’t think anything’s actually happened between them, so that just made it worse.”

“I guess?”

“I mean, I’m pretty sure Alana likes her and-”

Evan nearly gasped when he saw the time. “Hey, Zoe, I need to go get Connor up.”

“He isn’t up yet? You want me to scream in his ear?”

“I think I can handle it.”

“Okay. I’ll see you… Wait, what am I going to do about the gown thing? He’ll be out of the shower in a minute and-”

“Tattle.”

“What?”

“Tell his mom if he won’t listen to you. She’ll put an end to it so fast your head will spin.”

“Tattle?” Zoe let out a deep sigh. “Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.”

Evan shook his head as he disconnected the call. He did not envy Zoe at all.

 

He didn’t envy Jared either. It was funny how that thought still popped into his head sometimes. He could still picture how nervous Jared had looked when he’d finally fessed up to the fact that he liked Zoe. He had pulled Evan aside one day and spilled everything. He told him that he hadn’t meant for it to happen. He wasn’t sure if his feelings were reciprocated, but he was starting to think they might be. 

The two of them had been getting closer for months. They had started spending a lot of time together since Zoe dropped her friends. That time had only increased when they decided to avoid Evan and Connor until all the YANA drama had died down. 

They started going out less than a week after Jared talked to Evan. Connor had been upset about it at first. He’d made a series of derogatory comments during lunch one day. Zoe had yelled at him to mind his own business. Jared had sat there, staring at him with a mixture of fear and anger. Evan was the one who had followed him out of the garden and tried to talk him down.

“But, you like Zoe.”

Evan had felt like his eyes were going to burst out of his skull when Connor finished his rant. “What?”

“You like Zoe. Jared knows you do. That’s not… Friends don’t pull shit like this.”

“It’s fine. We-we talked about it.”

“You talked about it? He tricked you into saying you’re okay with it, didn’t he? The fucking bastard. He-”

“I am okay with it! Really. I… I like Zoe, but only as a friend. Just a friend.”

Connor squinted at him for a moment before shrugging and saying, “Okay.”

“Okay? So-so, you’re okay with them dating? You’re not going to, uh, hurt Jared or anything, right?”

“If I kill Jared, it won’t be for dating my sister.”

 

Jared and Zoe had been going out off and on for five months. Connor and Evan had been together for just under three. 

It had happened (finally happened, according to everyone except Evan) on Evan’s birthday. They’d been hanging out at Evan’s house all day. His mother had been there for most of it, but she’d gotten called into work after dinner. Jared and Zoe left shortly after she did. For once, Connor had opted not to interrogate them about their plans.

They’d been standing in the kitchen waiting for their popcorn and bickering over whose turn it was to choose the next movie when Connor had rolled his eyes and said, “Screw it.” 

Evan hadn’t had time to figure out what Connor meant before their mouths ended up smashed together. Smashed together. That really was the best way to describe it.

It had been awkward and kind of weird at first. Evan’s heart had sped up and his mind went blank as he tried to figure out what to do with his hands. 

Then, it was over and they stared at each other and laughed until the sound of the microwave beeping made them jump.

“Was that…” Connor’s shoulders shook as he took a breath. He leaned back against the counter while he studied Evan’s face. “Was that okay?”

Evan was silent for a second. He didn’t know what to say. His mind still felt blank, but in a good way. He couldn’t keep the amusement out of his voice when he said, “I don’t know. Maybe we should try again…”

Evan had expected to panic about it the next day. When he’d gone to sleep that night, he’d fully expected to wake up feeling embarrassed and regretful. 

He hadn’t though. He hadn’t even experienced the big ‘am I gay?’ crisis he’d been anticipating.

They’d talked things out the next time they saw each other. It had been awkward, but enlightening. Connor had admitted that he’d never bothered labeling himself. There’d never been a reason for him to try. 

He said that he’d experimented over the years with a variety of images. Connor said there were all different things that worked for him in theory, but Evan was the first person he’d actually been interested in being with. 

It had only taken Evan a second to realize he felt the same. It was weird and scary and kind of perfect.

 

Their relationship wasn’t perfect though. Not even close. They had their ups and downs, just like everyone else. There were days where things felt so messy and complicated that Evan wasn’t sure they’d stay together.

The thought of breaking up with Connor always terrified Evan when it occurred to him. He liked having Connor in his life. He needed to have Connor in his life.

He knew the feeling was mutual. It inspired them to work through whatever problems they encountered.

 

The future still scared Evan when he stopped to think about it. He knew it scared Connor too. They didn’t talk about it often, but it was always there. Hovering, waiting for them. 

He was feeling cautiously optimistic about college. He’d decided to go to a local one that was only an hour from his house. Connor was going to go there too. That had been a surprise. 

It wasn’t a particularly prestigious school. Evan suspected that was why Connor had gotten in. Evan had mainly chosen to go there because they had offered him a substantial scholarship. Their location and the fact that they had a decent science program had just been additional incentives.

 

Connor was sitting on the bed, looking at his phone while he rubbed his hair with a towel, when Evan walked in. 

“Oh, good,” Evan said when he saw him. “You’re up.”

“What’s going on with Zoe and Jared?” 

Evan shook his head. “You don’t want to know.”

Connor nodded and put his phone down. “What’s with the look?”

“What look?”

Connor simply raised an eyebrow and ran a hand through his hair.

“Okay, um, well,” Evan started uncertainly. “I was just thinking…”

“I’m listening.”

“So, tonight. Your party.”

“Yeah. What about it?”

“How’re you going to introduce me to people?”

“What?”

Evan sighed and sat down at his desk. “It’s just… I just wanted to make sure we’re, you know, on the same page. I know your family can be kind of, uh, difficult and-”

“I’m going to tell them you’re my boyfriend.”

“You-you sure?”

“Am I sure that we’re actually boyfriends?”

“Yes, I mean, no, I mean-” Evan twisted his hands in his lap and took a breath. “I don’t want to cause a scene and if you think-”

“No one will say anything. And if they do, there’ll be a whole line of people ready and willing to jump down their throats.”

“But-”

Connor ticked them off on his fingers. “Zoe, Jared, your mom, my mom, my dad even. Aunt Jamie will be the worst though. Let’s just hope she doesn’t catch wind of anything.”

“Yeah,” Evan nodded.

“Hey,” Connor reached out and squeezed his hand. “It’s going to be okay.”

“If you say so.”

“You’re still nervous about walking across the stage, aren’t you?”

“No…”

“Just do what I’m going to do. Flip everyone off after you get your diploma.”

“You’re not… You’re not really going to do that, are you?”

Connor laughed and shook his head. “But, seriously, Jared and I were talking about it and we decided that if you trip, we’ll trip too.”

“What?”

“You’re going first. If you trip or drop your diploma, we’ll do the same. Then, we can make a montage of it. It’ll be fucking hilarious. We can add music and sound effects and all that shit. How’s that sound?”

Evan couldn’t help but grin. It sounded stupid. So, so stupid. And, yet, so very much like his friends. His friends who got why he was anxious, who thought he was being ridiculous, who loved him anyway.

His friends who would make sure that if he fell, he wouldn’t be falling alone.

“Sounds like a plan to me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that's it. Thank you to everyone who stuck around and read this whole thing, especially everyone who has been commenting and giving kudos. You guys are awesome! I hope you liked the story!


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